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Original poster

And it's started already. 5yr old 'losing' all activities in sports day.... what can I do to help him?

123 replies

NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 14:18

As the title says.
They've been practicing for a while now, sports day is coming up.

And it's bringing back all of my feelings on how I felt as I also came last in everything.

I've tried the usual - taking part that counts, trying your best, being part of a team. He's good at other things.... but he's started saying "I'm not good at anything" :(

I know exactly how he feels and it never got better until I stopped having to do sports day!

What can I do?

I know it's not about winning but I'm seeing his self esteem plummet and I need to do something!

Sign him up for more groups?

I desperately don't want him to be like me.
I wonder if it's just 'in the genes' as his dad was always last too! We turned out ok (in the end) but those feelings.., they're still with me now and I'm almost 40!

OP posts:
Circumferences · 15/06/2023 14:22

Oh dear!
He's only five so it's very young to think he should be properly "sporty", most children that age can't manage running in a straight line.

What after school clubs does he do?
Is he overweight?

PicnicBunny · 15/06/2023 14:24

Keep at it. At that age isn’t it an overall team thing? It all counts and it is fun, so not participating is actually worse for them I think.

Original poster
NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 14:26

@Circumferences He's definitely not overweight , he does have asthma though which he has his inhaler for and he's improved so much with that.

He does football but he gets disheartened easily.

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Original poster
NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 14:28

@PicnicBunny I'm sure he'd jump at the chance not to have to do it! But I'm not mentioning that as an option (yet anyway)

I think he was having fun, and now he's seen he's always last and it's a trend he's feeling bad about. He's very observant!

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 15/06/2023 14:30

NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 14:26

@Circumferences He's definitely not overweight , he does have asthma though which he has his inhaler for and he's improved so much with that.

He does football but he gets disheartened easily.

If he does football he must enjoy sport? In that case I would focus on it being about enjoyment and having fun with your mates.

You say he gets disheartened. Perhaps some gentle work on his resilience too? (I know, he’s 5 and everything is super important and the end of the world, but sport - like so many things in life - is either winning or learning so there’s always a positive to take from it).

FrontEnd · 15/06/2023 14:30

Probably not helpful as I have lasting memories for exactly same experience as you, @NotLikeMePlease I do think kids should have the option to enjoy sports day participation as monitors, set up roles etc instead of publicly competing. Maybe that's something you could suggest to the school in future.

LIZS · 15/06/2023 14:35

No all kids are sporty, not all sporty kids perform well at 5. Those that do are often led by parental example, possibly not out of choice. Middle and long distance skills develop later, at this age it is a 60m dash. There is so much time ahead for your ds. Focus on what he can do and let him choose later.

Jules912 · 15/06/2023 14:35

At our school it's done in teams, they do the events in their team (usually something like how many beanbags can the drop in the pot at the end in X minutes) and the team that score highest wins. As far as I can tell everyone takes a turn and no one really notices who comes last. Saying that, my ASD DD, who hates PE has been offered the chance to help keep score if she doesn't want to participate.

LookUpTonight · 15/06/2023 14:37

I’d get him in the scouts, it’s fab for building confidence and making friends. Activities are varied so there will be something for him. Also swimming, great for asthma and if he gets good, being on a swim team is also great for confidence. My kids also liked having music lessons, it was just them so less competition but they could see themselves improving. Very cool when they can play guitar as a teen as well. 😉

Beginningless · 15/06/2023 14:41

It’s easier said than done, but try to resist telling him not to feel like this, if that makes sense. Feeling put out about losing is a pretty normal emotion/ developmental stage which children have to experience in order to develop a bit more resilience. When we have these personal experiences it’s easy to project a lot and be in such a hurry to make his sore feelings go away (I definitely
do this with my kids). But objectively when we stand back we can see kids grow through being supported through tricky feelings, not avoiding them.

That said, finding activities he feels good at is a good idea, as well as validating his feelings that most people find it a bit sore when they lose. Doesn’t mean he’s not good at anything though, etc.

IvyIvyIvy · 15/06/2023 14:42

Mindset book by Carol Dweck. It will change everything.

QueenOfWeeds · 15/06/2023 14:44

There is a book called “I really want to win” which he might enjoy reading with you.

Original poster
NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 14:54

Thanks everyone for your replies so far.

We aren't a sporty family, I am blaming myself now as is it my fault?!

Ultimately I just want him to be happy, and hearing him put himself down does feel quite uncomfortable for me. I haven't corrected him as to tell him he shouldn't feel that way, but I have explained and given examples of what he is good at, and that we can't be good at everything, but we should always try our best.

I remember my parents saying things like this to me though, and it never actually helped. What would've helped me was not coming bloody last! Even 2nd to last, just once! Would've helped.

It's hard to to teach him resilience for this when I really do acknowledge how bloody shit it felt to be last! It is crap! It really is! (Haven't said that to him!)

I'd love for him just not to care- maybe I should teach him that. But how..,

OP posts:
planthelpadvice · 15/06/2023 15:05

It's not your 'fault' as such, but IME all the 'sporty' kids I know have sporty parents who do lots of sports/fitness/activities etc themselves, and have done loads with their kids from a very young age (I am not in this category at all).

I agree with PP - it's about finding ways to help him feel positive about being active without it being about winning. Talk about how important it is to move your body, to run and jump, climb etc - all these things are important in an of themselves, not because you can use them to win something. Sports day is not the be all and end all of being fit and healthy (or indeed, sporty).

Also, I'd talk about his individual strengths, because I bet there are things he can do that other kids his age aren't so good at.

Zarataralara · 15/06/2023 15:07

As a child I didn’t give a toss about sports day, dc was the same, dgc is the same. Always last in everything, none of us were or are overweight, it’s just not interesting or worth getting worked up about to us. Dgc says came last again, we cheer and after the whole thing is over we go for a cream tea or ice cream. We cheer and clap the kids that win, we cheer and clap everyone. We just have a different way of looking at it. Dgc enjoys swimming, dance, and wants to go skiing one day, it’s just the competitive spirit of sports day doesn’t do anything for any of us. 🤷‍♀️
Turn the mindset around.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 15/06/2023 15:08

You need to make it clear that everyone is good at something, but that thing may not be sports day. If so, the important thing is to set your own targets and challenges and then celebrate your own achievements.

Everyone has a role to play, and that may just be being the best and most encouraging teammate.

PJRules · 15/06/2023 15:11

There's a lot of projection going on there, does he care as much as you do? Does he care because you do?

Practicing for sports day sounds mad to me, unless he's finding it fun. My lad was always last, incapable of running in a straight line or following instructions. Most kids will 'lose', it's not like it's just him so why would he care?

Outdamnspot23 · 15/06/2023 15:13

Zarataralara · 15/06/2023 15:07

As a child I didn’t give a toss about sports day, dc was the same, dgc is the same. Always last in everything, none of us were or are overweight, it’s just not interesting or worth getting worked up about to us. Dgc says came last again, we cheer and after the whole thing is over we go for a cream tea or ice cream. We cheer and clap the kids that win, we cheer and clap everyone. We just have a different way of looking at it. Dgc enjoys swimming, dance, and wants to go skiing one day, it’s just the competitive spirit of sports day doesn’t do anything for any of us. 🤷‍♀️
Turn the mindset around.

This sounds absolutely lovely.

I remember caring about it a bit and a friend's dad made us printed sports day certificates with things like "Best Jess in the 100m!" or "Didn't Fall Over (Much)" and some silly clipart which made us laugh.

Fundamentally though sport is something people can get better at - unlike other subjects at school they don't actually teach you to be better during the lessons though. It's mad. But he can work on his speed and fitness by doing football etc. He might always come last but when he knows he can do well in the front crawl or score a goal, turn a pirouette or whatever, it doesn't matter as much. It's just one day of the year.

InvincibleInvisibility · 15/06/2023 15:15

Agree that swimming is really good for asthmatics. Loads of kids in my team had it.

Honestly, we are a very sporty family. My DC have gone out walking, scooting, cycling, swimming and playing with us every weekend since they were born. We use the table tennis tables in the park. We played chase with them in the park when they were little. And they started judo aged 4. They also skateboard and rollerskate. So yes, they always did well in sports day, especially compared to their friends who never did any exercise with their parents.

However, there are things you can do with him that are easy and will boost his confidence in his own body. Walking, scooting, going to the park and playing on the equipment. Going swimming for fun (not lengths). Throwing and catching a ball together. We used to count how many we could do before dropping it. Or we would take a small step back with every ball we caught to make it harder.

He doesn't necessarily need to join sports clubs (unless he wants to). But fun movement at the weekend (and after school if possible) will really help.

edwinbear · 15/06/2023 15:15

I think it's really important that he understands that at the moment, sport may not be his 'thing', or it may just be that he's a brilliant swimmer, or golfer, or basketball player or whatever, but 'athletics' may just not be for him. And that's OK, you are just super proud of him having fun with his friends and getting involved.

There are a couple of kids at DC's school who usually come last, but they cross the finishing line with big smiles on their faces anyway. How the other kids behave is also really important, at DC's school if someone is behind, their friends, or the rest of their team, will go and run with them so they're not alone - this is very much encouraged, then there is much congratulations and back slapping.

EvilElsa · 15/06/2023 15:15

It's such a hard lesson to learn at 5, poor little lad. My DD has never ever been sporty. She's dyspraxic so struggled with any coordination events, and also isn't a fast runner. She was always last or second to last until the end of primary school. We just kept repeating that everyone is good at different things and just trying your best and having fun is absolutely the most important thing. We also told her she would find her "something I'm good at" -and she did. Superb horse rider, has won stacks. Excellent artist.
I would boost his confidence and find his special thing. What does he enjoy doing? Is he a good bike rider or swimmer? Does he enjoy painting or gardening? He will be fine.

Solasum · 15/06/2023 15:16

I was always last at sports day and find attending sports days genuinely traumatic to the point of feeling a bit panicky and tearful.

resilience can only go so far. Do a lot of throwing and catching with your son, so he is not the worst. Play with a frisbee in the park. Encourage him to run, maybe run together if you can bear it. Possibly park run? Teach him to skip. Like anything else, the more he practises the better he will get

Encourage him to try lots of sports until he finds something he likes.

Original poster
NotLikeMePlease · 15/06/2023 15:16

PJRules · 15/06/2023 15:11

There's a lot of projection going on there, does he care as much as you do? Does he care because you do?

Practicing for sports day sounds mad to me, unless he's finding it fun. My lad was always last, incapable of running in a straight line or following instructions. Most kids will 'lose', it's not like it's just him so why would he care?

I hope I'm hiding my feelings about sports day! I'm definitely projecting here to you all though!

I am worried.

I'm definitely going to work on changing MY mindset. I had never mentioned sports day until he brought it up saying he's always last, no good at anything etc.

So I think there's time to turn it around.
It's his first one.

OP posts:
Blackbyrd · 15/06/2023 15:19

I don't think being like you is a bad thing in the slightest so please don't think that.If you don't attach any great importance to this, he won't either. Just view it as an extended PE lesson. Maybe arrange a fun activity for after school that day to refocus on that instead. Even if it's something like making ice cream sundaes for you and dad at home. Your boy sounds lucky to have you

Violinist64 · 15/06/2023 15:28

I have always been the most unsporty person ever and always came last in races on sports day. My mother was well aware that this was likely to happen so before my first sports day told me that I was extremely unlikely to win anything but that it didn't matter because I found reading, spelling and maths easy and some other children did not but were good at sports so this was their chance to shine. I agreed that this was so and I wasn't bothered at all. Could you say something along these lines to your son? You could also add that this was the same for you and your husband.