And it's started already. 5yr old 'losing' all activities in sports day.... what can I do to help him?

[NotLikeMePlease]

As the title says.
They've been practicing for a while now, sports day is coming up.

And it's bringing back all of my feelings on how I felt as I also came last in everything.

I've tried the usual - taking part that counts, trying your best, being part of a team. He's good at other things.... but he's started saying "I'm not good at anything" :(

I know exactly how he feels and it never got better until I stopped having to do sports day!

What can I do?

I know it's not about winning but I'm seeing his self esteem plummet and I need to do something!

Sign him up for more groups?

I desperately don't want him to be like me.
I wonder if it's just 'in the genes' as his dad was always last too! We turned out ok (in the end) but those feelings.., they're still with me now and I'm almost 40!

I came last in pretty much everything sporty and it never really bothered me. Rather than focusing on the losing aspect teach him to just have fun and there will be other things he excels at that his peers might not

You need to help make it less of an issue than it is otherwise it will rub off on your child and stick in his head

He does football but he gets disheartened easily.

Work on that. For everything; not just sports.

I'm with you, though. It's tough when you had a rubbish childhood, I did too.

I like this. Martial arts is also a good idea.

Honestly- id work more on the not letting it get to him… I have three and none of them have ever been sports day winners. Running and winning any kind of race - doesn’t matter how hard they tried, it was never going to happen!
The problem really is how ingrained sports day is in British culture - schools still make such a big deal of it! As my kids pointed out when older, nobody makes you stand up and bake a cake or stand up and sing a solo in front of everyone else’s parents on the field! When the class does a show you can choose to work behind the scenes - but you can’t choose to help at sports day rather than take part - even though ironically you’d get more exercise if you were putting out the obstacle race for everyone else!
My kids (now ranging from 10 to 18) are singers, performers, bakers, dancers, martial arts black belts - between them we have certificates and applause for all those things over the years,
Sports Day was something to try and enjoy (my two eldest never did), cheer on your friends - and move on to the next day. Not everything can be your thing…

My DD is left eyed and right handed, which seemed to make hand eye coordination really difficult when she was young, and she felt really bad about not being as good as her school mates at sports. We started to do lots of ball games at home, throwing catching and using a bat or racket (silly games not serious stuff) and when she found netball difficult I put up a net in the garden and we practised together, it was fun and she got a lot better. She also started a gym class that improved her balance and coordination and confidence in general. Didn't grow up to be an athlete! But meant she wasn't the worst at everything in sports.

My husband is completely non-sporty. He jokes that the only sport he was any good at at school was shooting, because you could do it lying down.

I was always the last kid in the race, but academically at the front. We're not all good at everything, and even at 5 he should be able to understand that. Praise him for what he's good at, and don't pander over what he's not.

Kids need to feel failure in order to succeed.

I disagree. Certainly errors and difficulties give opportunities to learn and develop, but it takes nurture and strategies to move on from that, and 5 year olds and indeed many children don't have those skills yet.

I was awful at school sport. It wasn't just not winning, it was year after year of relentlessly being trounced, goaded and teachers at primary and secondary failing to see that there was a difficult combination of poor co-ordination and being the smallest of the year, and constantly having my efforts dismissed as not trying. There was no point in trying in later years, the skills gap was too vast to catch up and all effort disregarded or mocked by staff and classmates anyway.

Fortunately I danced (badly) out of school, then did DoE and fell in love with walking. They were the gateways into an active adulthood. Where gobby PE teachers and goady classmates failed to teach me how to run, the encouragement of the C25k app and internet communities taught me how to run. I'm very proudly average. I still can't sprint, but I can slog my way around a marathon in a mainstream time.

With my background, I got my DCs active from a young age. They've done junior parkrun from 4 as well as other non-competitive sports. They're not the best sprinters but know they're good at long distance. DS1 is dyspraxic so is not a natural at sport (or reading or writing thanks dyslexia). The beauty of parkrun is that you can turn up and walk if you want. There's no pressure. It's not about winning, it's about participating. If you want to be competitive, you can aim to better your times. It's also open particpation; your placing will vary depending on who turns up and it's not highly predictable who will win/ lose and that's the chance gone for the year.

DM was bad at sport so it was OK for me to be bad at sport. All failure taught me was that I was crap at sport. It's nurture that broke the cycle. It certainly wasn't being left alone couple of meters from the start line tangled up in a skipping rope while everyone else finished, and having to walk the course twice to fetch the stupid rope after dumping it while watched by 200 people feeling angry, inept and humiliated.

So I'm on team find an alternative activity that's not done in school that will also help you to get mainstream outcomes.

Swimming for asthma really helps. Beavers, touch rugby, football, cricket. School sports are rubbish at this age. Junior fun runs.

Day off school on sports day and trip to local ice cream parlour/park/other treat! Let him know you've heard him and have his back. Sports day should be inclusive and not make people feel bad for not winning. I'd love to see it done more collaboratively and non competitively (those who want competitive sports should do them separately in the same way that people do music or dance exams not as part of the main curriculum).

Sports day should be inclusive

Inclusive doesn't mean no competition. Just because a child does not win, doesn't mean the event was not inclusive.

I just tell them I couldn’t care less about sports day. It’s honestly hardly on my radar and as a result they aren’t fussed either. I say do the least you have to do. Get it over with and get back to doing stuff you actually enjoy.

DD started competing in gymnastics when she was 6 and had some pretty awful scores in the early days, think 27th out of 28 girls 🙈. She became really resilient and it pushed her to work even harder. She's now 11 and always scores well, even coming 1st place on occasions. Even if she hadn't improved in gymnastics, she has a great mindset which transfers to other areas, such as schoolwork. She understands that you can't be good at everything (her spelling is atrocious!) and that's ok.

To give you the opposite perspective; sports day was one of the things I was really good at, but I wasn’t massively academic. It was my one day to shine! We all have different skills and talents and that’s ok. Don’t make a big deal out of it and praise him for the things he is good at. Learning how to bounce back after failing is an important lesson too, very few people are good at everything.

I really disagree with this - it’s important to learn that you are not going to win at everything! It is ok to be competitive and sport is great at teaching children resilience. I would never let mine have the day off unless they were ill; what kind of message is that for their future employment?

I tell my 5 year old that you can't win everything. Everyone has different strengths
I said example Billy may be super at maths but Alice may be better at phonics. Same goes for sports etc.
I explained how she rode without stabilisers age 3 but some peers can't at 5/6/7. Like some can swim better etc. And that's what makes us all unique.
I ask her too tell me the things she is great at and we focus on them

We get lots of tears over maths and not being as good as her peers. But she eventually starts to understand we're all different

And i agree with PP.. They have to learn resilience. Can't keep them off school each time the going gets tough

Focus on his strengths.

For me, it was where I stood out from my siblings. I am from a large family and as the third child to enter the same school I was always "oh another Rights" rather than being just me. On sports day I was noticed for being ME, not just the little sister. The memory of my teacher taking my Mum aside and telling her she thought I had great talent remains with me today.

Sure, I would have done fine w/o sports day I'm sure, but for me personally it has made a lasting positive impact on me.

Great to read everyone's perspectives on this!

I think it depends on the child. I don't think losing constantly made me resilient. I think it crushed me further than I needed to be crushed. And made any confidence I had die.
I know, it sounds dramatic but that's how I felt! (And I still feel this now)

I would have been over the moon if my parents had kept me off and not let me be humiliated. BUT this was because I was also not great academically. I really felt very down on myself.

My son isn't there yet. I will see how he gets on, obviously I would prefer to teach resilience / laugh it off etc. However, if it turns out he hasn't found his 'thing' yet down the line, i may just keep him off. As I wish my parents had done for me :)

For now I will get him to join more groups and I will do more sporty things with him for fun, and go from there!

I'm not looking forward to watching him next week. I know it's going to make me feel how I did all those years ago.... but, I will smile and give him a cuddle and we will move on.

Right I have name changed for this. Firstly you have my utmost sympathy OP. Next I totally agree with @DrCoconut. I kept my child off virtually every single sports day during their schooling. My child was slim and fit and could walk for miles. He was always last in the sports day practice races. I think you should consider keeping your child off that day OP. Tell your child it’s a load of rubbish that doesn’t matter one jot. Go and have a lovely time doing something else. Why should your child be the fall guy by coming last in every race? Resilience my arse! As for the for the PP who mentions the effects on the child’s future employment . He’s 5! Guess what! My child is now a fully functioning adult. They achieved an excellent degree from an excellent university. They have a good job that they work diligently at. All achieved without any school sports days participation. Ah I feel better for that. All the best to you and your son OP.

I was terrible at running, had no hand to eye coordination, and lacked killer instinct, so wasn't bothered about marking anyone at netball. The only sports I enjoyed were swimming and throwing things in athletics. PE was miserable. I was last in nearly everything. Every time.

In my 40's however, I did C25K and found out I could actually run. Id just never learned how. So although the resilience stuff is important- sometimes the right technique can really help. If your DS isn't bothered then fine. If it's getting to him though, can you help him to learn how to run by building up gradually, managing his breathing and striding well?

"To give you the opposite perspective; sports day was one of the things I was really good at, but I wasn’t massively academic. It was my one day to shine! "

The trouble is, the majority of the kids who excel at sports day do well at everything else too - they're the bigger / older for the year / more co-ordinated / supportive parents kids.

Whereas the kids who trail in last in everything (not just near the end, but way behind the pack) tend to be either much younger/smaller, have health issues, or have SN (whether diagnosed or not. As a result, they tend to struggle with everything. At least in other areas of school work it's about learning skills and not about coming first.

In my first primary ('lefty' London 1970s school), sports day was a series of games done in teams - no winners or losers at all, but everyone taking turns to do silly challenges. Everyone had fun, and being active and getting fit was celebrated.

I think that approach is much more likely to lead to a healthy population IMO. Competitive sports definitely have their place, but in the same way that we don't make all kids enter Maths Olympiads, not everyone has to take part in a series of running races.

@MrsB74 it teaches them that sometimes self compassion and care is best and that you don't have to blindly accept the status quo. I would be more accepting of the mania about competitive sport if equivalent academic events were held. But a spelling or times tables contest with everyone's parents watching and yelling would be considered ritual humiliation for those who struggle. PE should be inclusive and about health and participation. Keep the competitions for extra curricular activity for those who want them.

Is he overweight?! Not the first comment that would've come to my mind 😄

OP it sucks doesn't it, my youngest was the same, still doesn't like PE, but has graduated to not great but better than last...! I was the same. What really helped for us was getting very active in doing loads of fun adventures like camping and holidays with hiking, long walks, etc and getting this idea in his mind that he was an outdoorsy guy not a sports guy, and that outdoorsy guy was way cooler and just as good. It's massively helped him take PE and sports day stuff way less seriously.