And it's started already. 5yr old 'losing' all activities in sports day.... what can I do to help him?

[NotLikeMePlease]

As the title says.
They've been practicing for a while now, sports day is coming up.

And it's bringing back all of my feelings on how I felt as I also came last in everything.

I've tried the usual - taking part that counts, trying your best, being part of a team. He's good at other things.... but he's started saying "I'm not good at anything" :(

I know exactly how he feels and it never got better until I stopped having to do sports day!

What can I do?

I know it's not about winning but I'm seeing his self esteem plummet and I need to do something!

Sign him up for more groups?

I desperately don't want him to be like me.
I wonder if it's just 'in the genes' as his dad was always last too! We turned out ok (in the end) but those feelings.., they're still with me now and I'm almost 40!

He's 5! Of COURSE there's time to turn it around. Don't make a fuss about it with him, it's not a big deal at all. You laugh and have fun and do your best. It's one day a year. Like I said above, just find what he's good at and likes doing. I won everything at sports day, I'm still sporty. I'm also shit at many things. Can't do maths to save my life, was always bottom set. Crap at art. Winning at sports day hasn't made me super confident (in fact I'm diagnosed OCD and anxiety). As long as you go and clap and laugh and support him and have a positive attitude about it all he will too. Don't beat yourself up over a primary school event, there's far more to life than sports day.

Neither me and my husband are sporty and my eldest is very much like us. I always tell him that there are other things he is good at but he does still seem disheartened.

I wonder how it's being managed at school.
Is he being teased? Is the teacher using sports day as a way to teach the whole class about winning graciously, supporting others (whatever their ability), team spirit, trying something new, managing disappointment?

He’s awfully young to notice and care so much. That might be coming from adults around him making him aware. My ds also has asthma as well as type one and has never been sporty. He loved the sports days at primary and middle school though, it was a lot of fun, he didn’t care about who was first or last. He knew some kids are good at sports, some kids are good at academics, others at art and music, some a combo or all three. Truly, these are things to not get upset about.

I would tell him that you were always last so he knows it’s not just him . I would explain that being last at sports really isn’t that important when it comes to being successful and that he is good at lots of things which will impact his future much more .

i was last and I literally have one son who’s last and one who is always first .. which he found hard to handle as the other children expect him to win !

there is nothing wrong in then trying to find something he is good at - my boy got into kayaking and then rowing .. he isn’t the best or anywhere near but he’s enjoying it

I think the first step to teaching resilience is acknowledging his feelings. Instead of unhelpful "it's not about the winning" etc you could try saying something like "it really feels bad to lose, doesn't it. I understand." let him be upset about it and then at a calmer moment talk about participation, having fun, team sports, other things he's good at etc.

Is it just that he finds organised sport and running difficult or does he need to build up his fitness? I think this is important - not everyone can be good at sport and that's absolutely fine (I had two left feet as a child and am still fairly clumsy and spatially unaware as an adult). If so, I agree with people that it's important to acknowledge his feelings and gently steer him towards the things he is good at. But if it's a fitness issue - that he is too sedentary and just doesn't have the core fitness and stamina that the other children have - then as a parent I would be encouraging him to be active in any way I could - parkrun, swimming, climbing, playground, whatever interests him. It's so easy for children who aren't as naturally gifted at sport to become less active and then their general health and fitness suffers.

Not all children are sporty so you can't force someone to be good at something they aren't going to be. Praise everything he is good at and make sure any negatives you have from your past neither come up or rub off on him

And at five, no one knows his potential. He might become a world class athlete. I would argue that none of us knows anyone else’s true potential (including our own) throughout life.

His feelings could be indicative of an interest in sports (a desire to improve or to be good at it therefore his dismay that he’s last) so perhaps get him lessons in various things and see how he likes them.

He’s only 5! He should be happy and enjoying life.

Solidarity high five. My five year old has his first sports day tomorrow and has just said on the way home that he's sad as his classmates have told him he's the slowest runner. I felt immediately sad for him. Then I told him that I was never the fastest runner either. And that I'll be cheering for him tomorrow, and that as long as he tries and has fun it doesn't matter. I also pointed out that he's probably better at other things like building lego and drawing. No one is best at everything. ❤️

Don't do anything dint let him even think about it. He won't care unless he's made to feel he should. Just don't reference ot at all

The only problem here is you feeling guilty and "blaming" yourself. Why are you blaming yourself for having produced a lovely little boy who happens not to excel at sport - does it actually matter one jot? - I think not.

Two of my DDs were 100% useless at sport - I mean a complete joke - and we all used to laugh it off together. Neither of them worried one jot about it; and one actually stopped to pick a daisy during a flat race.

One DD (much the youngest) was amazing at sport - my OH and I watched her race to the front past much bigger children and were completely flabbergasted. Her sisters egged her on and shared her glory; just as she did with their musical achievements.

It all hangs on what your feelings are about it - if you feel bad about it then so will he. If you laugh it off and say - oh well you can't be first at everything - I love you just the way you are - you are perfect for you - then he will take it in his stride.

A sense of humour is a very good way to get through life's tribulations. Help him develop that.

Why did you automatically jump at the conclusion that the child must be overweight??

There are many reasons who some children always arrive last. And, at 5yo, it’s usually not because if their weight!

There are so many people who become the best through sheer grit and determination and practice. So no one can make absolute judgements that one person has natural ability and another doesn’t. Sometimes the success is had by the one who was deemed not capable at some point. Five years old is way too young to be feeling deficient in anything! Healthy competition spurs growth and motivation. But not obsession. Enjoy learning and living, and do not ingrain upon children (or adults) what they supposedly cannot do. It’s a negative way of thinking that doesn’t help anybody. And malicious people will use that to make others feel bad bout themselves.

Op, your son has amazing potential we have no idea of, tell him that. Give him lessons in things he might be interested in and can try out.

about not bout

They didn't - they asked whether he was overweight. Many, many children are now and it would be a valid reason why a child may not be able to run as fast as their peers.

I came first at every race in sports day when I was 5 because I’m an Autumn birthday and was the tallest and biggest. I’m not especially sporty now and I stopped winning them by juniors. kids grow and develop at different rates.

Write to your school and suggest they try a more inclusive sports day model where everyone works in teams and there aren't individual winners.

I never won anything at sports day and I was fine. I just learnt from it that everyone has different skills. This is an opportunity for you to teach him that and show him resilience. There is no need for this to be an event that upsets him. Some people win, some people don’t. Some people are good at reading, some people aren’t. Some people are always in the middle. This is just life. I think you’re projecting your own feelings here. It does not need to be upsetting for him

I hope this sounds right in a text but I have four DCs. I tend to be quite dismissive of their sadness to not win. That sounds really awful but I tend to be more (example)
'I know darling, that is sad (so acknowledge how they feel) but your running style was amazing.
'Mummy I came last again' Me; But you were the only one who made certain the bean bag was in the hoop properly. Well done for playing the game correctly. You did amazing! I sometimes now their older relate it to adult life too. 'When you get a job it's important to do things correctly so you're absolutely winning at that' etc
I don't allow them to wallow or ask too much about their negative feelings. It's fine for them to have them and they are valid feelings and we acknowledge them but clinging on to them just helps focus the negative feelings, my hoal is to see the positives. Help them realise there's more to everything than first place. I stay heartbroken for them for hours but I don't want them to feel that way.
At 5 does your wee boy need to be good at everything? I'm not sure making him go to more clubs will do anything more than just burn him out?

Honestly at five it’s so mixed. We had dc who needed help to finish. It didn’t matter at all

The dc were happy

Great advice on this thread. Thank you so much everyone.
It's really good to read a range of thoughts on this.

I'm 100% projecting my feelings about this. But not projecting them onto him - and I'm going to try to continue that.
I was the child who... wasn't good at ... anything really. But my parents were poor; so who knows what I could have been good at? I never got to try any clubs or anything. And by secondary school I just hated sports because of PE.

I see a lot of me in him. And that worries me.
But I'm going to try to change the course so that he doesn't end up like me, an adult with no confidence who's never reached her potential.

Of course, I can't entirely blame that on sports day! 😅

Maybe you haven't tried the right race yet?
I was never any good at 100 metres, but used to win the mile race every year at secondary school.
Seems we all have different muscles- some are good at short sprints, others at a longer distance.

Or he might be good at Long or high jump-or football or Rugby or swimming.. Don't write him off yet!

Ultimately I just want him to be happy, and hearing him put himself down does feel quite uncomfortable for me.

It's not up to you (or himself) to make sure he's happy, you need to validate his feelings not try to change things so he doesn't have them.
He loses, he feels upset/whatever, ok that's his feeling, it's your job to listen and validate not try to imply there's a problem to be fixed.
I think you've correctly identified the source of your own feelings, please work on validating your own feelings and just letting him learn what his feelings are telling him.

I think you are right to acknowledge his feelings. Its OK to feel sad about not winning. I would also try to find positives e.g. I know it doesn't feel great to come last but you tried really hard and I'm proud of you.

Longer term

1. Develop his self esteem / resilience through doing things he is good at and enjoys - but encourage working through 'tough spots' in these and not giving up

1. 90% of being 'good' at sports is about general fitness. So try and find some activities he enjoys to build up strength/stamina and that will help his health and asthma and also future sports days. I was rubbish at sports day but my son isn't because we made sure he was active from a young age, even though he doesn't play football and isn't traditionally 'sporty'. Individual or family activities might be better than team games if his confidence is low - you could try martial arts, kids cross fit, park run, gymnastics, swimming, indoor climbing, bike riding, getting a trampoline, scooting, dance.....

....there will be something out there he enjoys.