And it's started already. 5yr old 'losing' all activities in sports day.... what can I do to help him?

[NotLikeMePlease]

As the title says.
They've been practicing for a while now, sports day is coming up.

And it's bringing back all of my feelings on how I felt as I also came last in everything.

I've tried the usual - taking part that counts, trying your best, being part of a team. He's good at other things.... but he's started saying "I'm not good at anything" :(

I know exactly how he feels and it never got better until I stopped having to do sports day!

What can I do?

I know it's not about winning but I'm seeing his self esteem plummet and I need to do something!

Sign him up for more groups?

I desperately don't want him to be like me.
I wonder if it's just 'in the genes' as his dad was always last too! We turned out ok (in the end) but those feelings.., they're still with me now and I'm almost 40!

I can relate to you so much in regards to your circumstances and how you felt about your abilities.

You sound like a great parent. I’d suggest not only helping your child develop his potential, but discovering yours as well. You can take lessons too in something you’ve like to try that you never got the chance to when you were a child, or study or participate in something on your own.

Also having read your last update and the great reply above, I would add don't just sign him up to stuff and leave him, have a go with him and show him it's OK to try things and not be great e.g. I'm not a great runner but I did parkrun with my son (until I couldn't keep up anymore...), have a go at the monkey bars in the park (even though I can't always get the whole way across...)

Have they been practicing at school for sports day! I suppose if they're making a big deal of it he's going to worry about doing well.
Sports day for 5 year olds should be just about enjoying the whole day being different from normal days and a sort of introduction to silly races.

@NotLikeMePlease I absolutely detested PE too!
And team games like Netball and Hockey.

But running through the woods cross country, or around the track pretending I was a horse- loved that, as one could get lost in one's thoughts.

DD has her first nursery sports day soon, she is nearly 4. She is way behind with gross motor skills so I know it’s going to be a disaster! She’s also very bright so will be
only too aware. Neither DH or me
are sporty unless you count horses.

It is what it is, she’s super advanced with language and numeracy so you can’t be good at everything.

Not all kids are sporty. Not all activities require you to be fast or to ‘win’. I hated sports at school for that reason. Now though I love walking and hiking - that’s my thing. It’s not a race, it’s good exercise yes and I love it. Maybe that’s an idea, to find something non competitive to do?

I remember a table of ''Prizes'' at age 5.
I desperately , desperately wanted to win a plastic ''Pluto'' but didn't.
Had a sick headache instead in the heat and was repeatedly sick into the grass.
No prizes for me.

If you watch the Olympics athletics events no-one talks about who lost. They talk about who won. The person who came 2nd or 4th may be just as upset as the person who came last. Plenty of interview with the person who came 3rd who's delighted to make the podium, or 2nd place who's delighted with a PB.

Every time he is running he is making his heart and lungs stronger. Every jump makes his muscles stronger.

I bet he's good at other things, but a rounded life means we try out and persevere with all sorts of things we're not naturally good at. Only ever winning/pulling out of stuff we don't think can can win is not a workable strategy for life.

Sorry I meant to prefix my advice post with "I realise this is a very selective quote and you probably already are on track with what I'm about to say,"

My five year old DS came home this week really upset because they'd been practicing sports day, and he came last in everything and all the other children were laughing at him.

He's a strong, fit lad, and can generally run in a straight line, so I doubt he was actually coming last in everything. I also strongly doubt that all the other children were laughing at him (some of them maybe, but hopefully not all). But that's his perception, and it's heartbreaking. He also thinks he's going to have to run against the year six kids, so he's definitely got some jumbled up ideas about sports day. But mostly he is fixated on the coming last and being laughed at.

I hated sports day for much the same reasons he does. I came dead last most of the time, hated the events, and found the whole thing in front of kids and parents and the whole bloody school just utterly miserable.

I didn't tell DS that. I told him I always used to come last in sports day races, but that me and my friends all cheered each other on and had a fun time doing it. And that it's important to take part and try your best, and that's all he needs to do. I also reminded him about all the things he is brilliant at, and that everyone is good at something, but most people are not good at everything.

But I felt like I was feeding him a lie really. The same lie people fed me about sports day. I never believed it, not sure why I'm expecting him to.

I talked to his teacher about it, and she is trying to emphasise with the whole class the point of it being fun and all about taking part. But I hate seeing him so worried about it. And I just wonder what on earth the point is, of making kids compete in front of the whole school and parents too. We don't do it for other school subjects, why for sports? At least later in school life they get to choose if they want to compete for the school. If they want to play football or do athletics for the school, they get to make that choice. Why not the same for sports day?

We tried to instill an enjoyment of your body exercising/moving/running/jumping, rather than winning stickers.

Work on that perhaps. We used to get ours to do "baby yoga moves" and say some adults practise for 20 years and still can't bend like that.

There are always super sporty kids who win everything and they seem to get put in the same school house and the rest of the houses have no hope!

At our primary school about 300 house points came from everything the rest of the school year, plays, reading, art, gardening, maths everything added together and then on sports day afternoon, so 2 1/2 small hours about 8000 points were handed out, I am not even exaggerating, it was utter insanity. Why they didn't have a sports day cup and a house cup has never been understood.

So unless you were in Blue House you were never going to win the house cup

We used to howl with laughter about this (we were not Blue House members).

If you can bring humour into whatever you try to teach him it will be ok.

It is tricky. Two out of three of my kids are small and one is overweight. It REALLY bothered my daughter that she always came last because she loves sports. We talked about it and decided to find a running coach who helped her. I think she might have still come last that year but she was so much more confident and happy that she had improved and had given it her best shot. That was around year 4. She is 16 now, still very small for her age but is pretty fast on the football pitch and beat several of the boys in her year in a 10k a few weeks ago.

My eldest is also small, did a race around age 9 holding hands with another boy as they were both terrified of coming last! He also grew into sport by being encouraged to do things he liked. Football was difficult for him but he found his space in hockey and hiking, achieving amazing things in both.

I’ve NRFT but have read all of OPs and thought I’d pass on that someone once told me one of the most important words you can use with your child when they’re feeling a bit down about the fact that they can’t do something, is YET.
When children say they can’t do something you say, “You can’t do it yet but some things take lots of practice/need longer legs/etc.”

I’m sure you already know that praising the effort made, not the finished article/result is more helpful to build resilience.

Reminding them about something they do really well
eg. swimming, riding their bike or scooter, reading, writing, drawing, etc. all helps. Not everyone can be a sports day winner but not all sports are played out on the sport’s field.

It might at some point be worth looking into activities outside of school which are not part of sports day, so even if they are not good at the sports day/school sports, they know they are good at some thing else which possibly quite a few at the school can’t do.
Ice hockey, tennis, rock climbing, archery, skiing, riding, swimming, junior rugby, sailing, gymnastics etc

I do think he isn't as fit as he could be, so I will be mindful of that.
I do remind him that these things can take time and effort; he didn't used to be able to walk and now he can, couldn't ride his scooter but now he can, couldn't ride his bike but now he can - they all took time, patience and effort on his part. They weren't immediate.
All he can see is everyone else storming past him and he is the last one!

He often tells me he "doesn't like learning". It always reminds me of my dad who used to shout at me "you don't want to learn! Be a dunce then!"

I would never, ever say that to my kid!
Raising kids is hard when you didn't have the best childhood yourself , lots to learn :)

It's school. I love sport and always have. Hated PE, sports day, swimming lessons etc. Picking teams. Sports I was shit at but forced to do anyway. Too cold in winter, too hot in summer. Getting soaked in the rain. No showers after and the classroom stinking of BO. Undiagnosed asthma. School specialises in making everything into a torture! Tell him that school sometimes sucks but he has to go do the things anyway and get through the day. He doesn't have to enjoy it. His private life is for having fun. Build his resilience by helping him see that school isn't everything.

I do think he isn't as fit as he could be, so I will be mindful of that. I do remind him that these things can take time and effort; he didn't used to be able to walk and now he can, couldn't ride his scooter but now he can, couldn't ride his bike but now he can - they all took time, patience and effort on his part. They weren't immediate. All he can see is everyone else storming past him and he is the last one!

How many of the rest have asthma? You need to be twice as fit as someone who doesn't have it to get the same results IME. In addition, does he have exercise induced asthma? I do and need to use my reliever before starting anything energetic, whilst I still feel fine, to combat it.

He’s only five ! He’s got years ahead of him to find the type of sporty activity that suits him , I don’t think he’s found what suits him yet
when I was at school I absolutely hated all sports activities except rounders which was bearable and swimming which I enjoyed , everything else and especially sports day I would avoid if I possibly could, I already had my own chosen sport separate to anything offered at school and went on to be a sports professional

give him time , praise him for what he does achieve and offer him other choices that may suit his personality more

Isn't sports day at 5 just teams of kids throwing bean bags in turn? And similar activities?
At eldest ones primary they didn't even announce the winning team on the day.....
Mark it as a fun day at School followed by a Special treat for being a good sport!

He’s still very young but if he looks like not being a fast runner and such, I’d think about getting him involved with a sport where skills are more important - maybe martial arts, swimming, something like that?

And I’d keep him off school on sports day in future if it’s upsetting. I think this set up where you make 5 year olds feel like failures is ridiculous. At my children’s school in the primary years they only do relays and there are no straight running races, it’s all egg and spoon or parachutes.

As he is only 5 it is quite possible that your DS isn't as coordinated as some of the other children. This is purely developmental.

For me sports were hell (fat, smelly, sweaty, spotty) until I joined a swimming club late in y7.

I didn't turn into an athlete overnight but by getting a bit fitter (plus all the advantages which come from regularly dousing a pubescent child in chlorinated water) I got a lot more confident. Eventually I was in the school hockey team and representing the school in athletics throwing events.

Something like swimming doesn't have to be competitive. Does your local pool offer lessons? Does it have something like a lifesaving club?

I never won anything at sports day until my final year when I was the fastest runner in the school! I don’t think I got a certificate though.

I liked what my kids primary school did, they separated everyone into houses (except reception) and split into small groups that had 1 child per house for each year group 1-6 (so 24 kids in a group). It wasn’t perfect as you’d always compete against the same children in your year group.
But you went round the school field to most stations and it could be dressing up race, egg and spoon, fake javelin, try and score a goal in the football net, throwing beanbags, skipping race. And it all went so quickly you could never tell who won or lost! Then the sprints were only for the fastest kids and they did trials in PE to decide that. Then there was a picnic afterwards. Wasn’t perfect but definitely felt more fun and even the sportiest kid could come unstuck in the dressing up race or skipping race so they didn’t win everything. The points all went to the houses so there was no individual winners really except for the sprints.

I was always last at sports day. For now I'd take the focus off sports day but think about whether you'd like DS to grow up fit and active for his overall well-being (really useful for supporting good mental health as well).

He's doing well really. I know loads of five year olds who can't ride a bike yet so it's not as though your DS is totally behind physically. Sports day races are so narrow generally. It also might not be a reflection on his fitness but could be a reflection on other things like coordination, concentration etc. which are all still developing at difference rates at this age (fond memory of watching my distracted DD dawdle her way through a race last year just because she was enjoying the spectacle of the event so much 😂)

Re fitness, I have built exercise into every day with DD since she could toddle, but we don't see it as that. We just like getting outdoors. 20–30 minutes' walk, runaround, take ball to the park, climbing on the playground, riding a bike etc. are all fairly doable regularly and are enough to keep them active.

At five we can still have an impact on the habits they'll form and for me it's easier to try and establish good habits now than for me to realise that DD is unfit as a teenager and start then when there'll be a lot more barriers in the way.

My children have sporty hobbies that are not competitive (ballet, non competitive gymnastics, riding) so that they are just competing with themselves to improve. It helps them to be good at a sport without having to come last all the time.

I was also one of those kids who isn't any good at running, so school games were always a nightmare for me, last to be picked etc etc it's definitely had an effect on my self esteem, I'm late 50's now and still remember.
My late parents always used to tell me and my brother everyone's good at something and it's true. You just need to find out what it is.

Try him with some music lessons. That turned out to be my superpower and in some ways I've had the last laugh. All those kids who were good at sport 50 odd years ago when we were kids and they'd be mean to me because I wasn't. Well at nearly 60 years old now they almost certainly won't be running fast anywhere. I on the other hand am back playing my musical instrument and contemplating doing another level 6 qualification in it this year just to prove to myself I might be getting old but I'm not past it.

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