And it's started already. 5yr old 'losing' all activities in sports day.... what can I do to help him?

[NotLikeMePlease]

As the title says.
They've been practicing for a while now, sports day is coming up.

And it's bringing back all of my feelings on how I felt as I also came last in everything.

I've tried the usual - taking part that counts, trying your best, being part of a team. He's good at other things.... but he's started saying "I'm not good at anything" :(

I know exactly how he feels and it never got better until I stopped having to do sports day!

What can I do?

I know it's not about winning but I'm seeing his self esteem plummet and I need to do something!

Sign him up for more groups?

I desperately don't want him to be like me.
I wonder if it's just 'in the genes' as his dad was always last too! We turned out ok (in the end) but those feelings.., they're still with me now and I'm almost 40!

There's definitely a difference between not winning but being encouraged to compete against yourself and work on your own skills so that you develop and improve personally, to not winning, being told or it being made clear that you're rubbish and not really being given a chance to improve so this happens again and again.

"Well done X, you're definitely getting faster and you beat your last time by 3 seconds" is completely different to losing every year, being mocked or ignored and any improvements you have made being completely overlooked. There does seem to be a culture in sports/PE which you don't find in other areas of education where the focus is just on the strongest and the weakest are ignored or publicly embarrassed. It's a shame that there isn't more of a focus on "most improved".

It really depends I find on the variety of activities on offer. And we were split into 4 teams that were clearly on abilities, so no one stood out too much ( I was in the lowest!). Maybe you could volunteer for the next one for help.

I would have been last in every race that involved actual running, but I’d already started ballet quite a bit (I was also poor, doesn’t cost much at that age), so basically we had to sign up for two races mandatory, and I did rope skipping and egg on spoon, that worked - sort of ha - for me. And my friends cheered for me on the sidelines. My record was second but it was mostly the friendships moments I remember (as soon as I got off my friends would ask ‘ did you hear us??’. Mid 90s for ref haha. If you’d forced me into anything else, I may have probably been miserable (no way of knowing now), but overall I’m still dreadfully non sporty except dance, and the days were fine for me.

As for the future, experimenting different sports is a good way to go I think.
And other non sports activities.
Like with any child really

Hug him, tell him how proud you are of his hard work and help him to learn that it will not be possible to win at everything. This is where resilience starts and if we cannot help our children to develop it, life gets harder as an adult.

Also I'd say at that age it's not always the fastest kids who win. My dd took off like a bat out of hell last year ( age5) in the lead then stopped to look round , scratch her bum and see where the others were. I think she came last. But I get it. I always hated sports day too.

If he doesn’t find ‘his thing’ in the available offers, volunteer for organizing the next and create it ! If possible doing the same if you know of other children with niche talents or limitations etc. Sometimes you can’t just be a watcher on the sidelines (easy to say I know)

And if kept off for many years (well, even one) peers will definitely notice and ask why, so if you don’t have a reason at hand it can cause its own problems.

As it’s easy to just talk the talk : If anyone wishes to ask for specific ideas I work with children in care now (I’m 32 and rather junior in this field because my original freaking long training is in healthcare - still working on combining the two really), some with additional needs, feel free💚

Used to improvising the unpredictable ^^

Exactly this. I was often last but someone has to be. School (and of course at home) is surely where children learn life skills such as resilience and also learn that their identity is made up of so many things….personal qualities, skills, experiences etc. It’s easy (for all of us, myself included) to project our own insecurities onto our children but in the big scheme of things this is not something to get worked up about. It sounds like you’re saying and doing all the right stuff, just keep at it and celebrate the EFFORT every time, regardless of whether it’s a maths test or sports day, and regardless of where they finish.

Is he small for his age? Running races are essentially a long legs competition at that age…

Navigation with schools is a work in progress however, I was in care myself, I find I still end up getting too defensive about ‘my’ kids, pretty sure I annoyed the hell out of quite a few schools, can’t say I fully regret some. Work in progress☺️

Yes, this. Although there is quite a wide variety between schools of activities on offer and general organisation, that’s what I find a shame ( if you can be bothered^^ my first post I think described mine)

Yours has life pretty well figured out I’d say😁

It's a tough one. My DD hated sports day in primary school but i always went along the 'got to build resilience' train of thought.

However... she has since been diagnosed with ASD and I feel dreadful that making her do things she felt uncomfortable with has had a massive negative impact on her mental health.

If I had my time over I'd listen more to her concerns and keep her off school if that's what she wanted. Ironically secondary school does sports day in a much different way. It's a lot more of a team thing... I now give her the option to go or not. So far she's attended 2 out of 3.

I've eased off pressurising her to go and she's made the decision herself to go to support her team mates.

Sorry posted too soon...

I'd really look at the impact sports day is having on him. If he's worrying about it, talking obsessively about it and really not happy, I wouldn't make him go. It's just not worth the angst. It's one day.

ah wow what a shame. My son is also 5 and he isn’t the best at sports but he isn’t bothered in the slightest. Seems to be very young to be worrying about this. Why does it bother him so much?

I’ve never known any primaries to do actual running races in sports day or to be honest anything that really needs sports skills. It’s normally teams (and they put stronger ones with weaker) and then they all move around in their teams doing various actives, like dribbling a hockey ball, trying to score a football goal. But no actual races.

I thought it was all a bit pathetic but it definitely protected all those that weren’t very good at sport. You’d never spot them.

Maybe you should speak to your school
snd point out how other schools
do it?

My son's Primary does convention sports day. I'm sure there are plenty that still do. It has never been a problem. I'm not aware of any children who were kept off school, or any that have a life long hatred of sport as a result.

Yeah it wasn’t a criticism of traditional sports day. I found it incredibly frustrating that my primary did the non competitive version. And my dyslexic boy who struggled all year didn’t get his once chance to have a confidence boost from shining- just for one day. Let’s protect all those who are not sporty. Who shine every day in all the other lessons.

Incredible book!

Sports day is the reason why I hate sport to this day. Put me off for life.

It should be fun and encourage everyone to enjoy sport and exercise but does often seem to have the opposite outcome for those who aren't sporty.

Mine isn't at school yet but if he feels the same, he won't be doing it if he doesn't want to. It shouldn't be making some kids feel so bad about themselves, especially when they are so young.

I do think every child is different and you just have to work with that, and do what you think is best for them and their self esteem.

If i get any hints in the future that he's like I was growing up, I don't think I will hesitate to keep him off for that one day. My parents should've done that for me, without a doubt.

As it turns out, he did come last in one but also somewhere in the middle for the rest.

I was very proud of him :)