Page 4 | Please help me navigate this situation with my DS's girlfriend

JenWillsiam · 12/06/2023 06:54

7eleven · 12/06/2023 01:57

Absolutely sensible response. Anybody who thinks 13 year olds should have romantic relationships deserves judging.

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Anyone who thinks you can stop it is deluded. Honestly.

JenWillsiam · 12/06/2023 06:55

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:01

Ffs, a 13-year-old doesn't need a girlfriend. Don't encourage premature entanglement ehen children should be focusing on education and developing self-esteem and other skills.

Children don't need to be pairing off let alone sobbing and begging over it. Fail.

Have you met teenagers? You can’t stop this stuff happening and it’s completely normal at this age.

JenWillsiam · 12/06/2023 06:56

Bristoluser · 12/06/2023 00:29

I'm clearly old fashioned but how are you condoning a 13 year old to date? Never mind sleeping with his 14 year old girlfriend. I know you're all in a tent together but at their ages they should still be children, not dating

They’re 14! Come off it. They’re teenagers. This is completely normal.

LolaSmiles · 12/06/2023 06:59

The fact that she wants to keep him secret from her parents, and he is crying at the thought of you telling them the truth shows that both of them are still kids.
At their ages, they are not ‘dating’. They are friends who like each other. I’m not sure why you’d even question whether you’re doing the right thing or not - of course you are!
Agree with this. It's fine for them to be 'dating', but that doesn't mean the relationship is something that should lead to going away for several days together.

OP, you sound like a compassionate and reasonable parent. Unfortunately we all know teens can be emotional and think everything is unfair and the world doesn't understand them.
My gut says that if they say they're mature enough to go together, they're mature enough to speak to her parents, be clear they're dating and ask permission.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/06/2023 07:02

I had my first BF at 13 and so did most of my friends so I don't see the issue there Op. Lying for them is a different matter, I'm sure you wouldn't want someone lying to you about your DS no matter how much he begged them to. If her DM's anxious about her DD then the lie coming out later could get very difficult for you and them.

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/06/2023 07:03

Tbh I wouldn't have said anything to the mum regarding the relationship although I would make it clear that I wouldn't lie if asked directly.

Make it clear to the both of them that they'll be no funny business nonetheless.

I think a mountain has been made of a molehill here.

WonderingWanda · 12/06/2023 07:09

You've done the right thing op.

Not sure what all these other posters are on about? It's normal for teenagers to date and you haven't said they will be having sex, highly unlikely because you can't even breath without making a racket in a tent.

HerbsandSpices · 12/06/2023 07:15

Her parents aren't blind. They might suspect there is more to it than being friends.
I'd just invite her and not feel the need to mention their relationship. If I'm asked, like you, I would refuse to lie though. No doubt her mother will want to know the sleeping arrangements.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 12/06/2023 07:19

You can judge me all you like. My DD 22 and her bf 24 live in their own privately rented flat. They've been together since she was 13 and him 15, they just made a connection really early. Both have good careers and doing well.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/06/2023 07:20

It isn't unusual for them to start having boyfriends/girlfriends at that age. I think it's too young, personally. I wouldn't veto any relationships, but I would not be encouraging them either, and I certainly wouldn't be taking them away together for 3 days. It is too intense for kids of that age imo.

I would also be making the point to my dc that, if they're not mature enough to understand why I would be unwilling to lie to another child's parents, then they probably aren't mature enough to be in a relationship full stop.

SophieStew · 12/06/2023 07:32

Totally understand OP. It’s horrible when you’re being told how “you’ve ruined my life” etc but it’s just another part of parenting through this stage.

He will get over it, and you will be able to look back and laugh.

Mikimoto · 12/06/2023 07:42

I think it's romantic - their first Cotswolds mini-break together!

Next month: Prague.

Gymmum82 · 12/06/2023 07:43

Would you need to lie? I’m not sure how it wouldn’t even come up in conversation. ‘Hi x mum. DS would like x to bring x to this festival with us. Is that ok with you? By they way they are dating did you know?’
Like why? Just ask if she can come to the festival. Nothing else needs to be said. I mean unless she asks but that’s not likely is it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/06/2023 07:50

“Children don't need to be pairing off let alone sobbing and begging over it. Fail.”

agree with this. Just tell him no OP. Kids can’t always get what they want.

InAFettle · 12/06/2023 07:53

The posters Pearl Clutching over a 14 year old having romantic feelings are hilarious. I’d be very worried if my teenager was showing no interest in teenagers their own age, given it’s completely developmentally normal. If you think that they can’t follow education or develop self esteem (which should develop between 4-11 anyway) and show interest in the opposite / same sex then it shows your own lacking in intelligence and understanding of social development, or they’re just being deliberately obtuse to argue with you OP. Just ignore the ignorant.

OP you’re doing the right thing. They need to know, maybe in future he just gets to bring a friend along rather than the girlfriend.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 12/06/2023 08:14

YABU. Why say anything? Just say she can come along and leave it at that.

Bananarepublic · 12/06/2023 08:51

I'm not a single parent but I still find these things hard to navigate. They aren't always straightforward and we don't like to disappoint our children. But in this case you're absolutely right. I'm pretty liberal but I wouldn't be lying to the parent of a fourteen year old in this situation. And when your son has a thirteen year old he will be saying exactly the same.

7eleven · 12/06/2023 08:51

InAFettle · 12/06/2023 07:53

The posters Pearl Clutching over a 14 year old having romantic feelings are hilarious. I’d be very worried if my teenager was showing no interest in teenagers their own age, given it’s completely developmentally normal. If you think that they can’t follow education or develop self esteem (which should develop between 4-11 anyway) and show interest in the opposite / same sex then it shows your own lacking in intelligence and understanding of social development, or they’re just being deliberately obtuse to argue with you OP. Just ignore the ignorant.

OP you’re doing the right thing. They need to know, maybe in future he just gets to bring a friend along rather than the girlfriend.

Its clearly very different for a young teenager to be attracted to people than to be distressed that they’re not allowed to share the same sleeping space (albeit supervised).

The OPs son is 13. Let’s just repeat that - 13. It’s not healthy for children to have prematurely intense romantic feelings.

I’m not a pearl clutcher. I’ve been in education for 30 years and have two child related degrees. Do you always resort to insults when you disagree with people? How mature 🙄

Welliehead · 12/06/2023 08:57

13 does seem a bit young to be distraught about your gf not being allowed to go to a festival. Is he angry with the gfs parents? as it's them that seem to be being sensible strict about not letting their 14 year old share a tent at a festival with their 13 year old bf.

I went to festivals with my kids at that age but they took mates with them (same sex).

Welliehead · 12/06/2023 08:59

And mine had bfs and gfs at 14 but nothing serious enough to want to spend 3 days with them and their parents (which would have been my worst nightmare at 14)

Crumpleton · 12/06/2023 09:05

Said I'm not happy lying. DS distraught. I've ruined the festival for him blah blah.

I can't stand it when others use the old "it's all you fault" shit when infact in this case it's your DS and his GF's doing.
They're the one's who should be telling her DM they're seeing each other and that would have been my bases on taking them to the festival in the first place.

NotQuiteHere · 12/06/2023 09:22

So her mum would let her go to the festival how? Where would the mum (presumably, very worried) think her daughter would stay for three nights?

Minfilia · 12/06/2023 09:28

I have four teens (send help please)

Not a chance I’d have let my 14YO stay with a 13YO boyfriend for three nights. Your DS knows that will be the response and wants her to go, which is why he wants you to lie for him.

Not a chance sunshine - it’s a good lesson in life for him!

YANBU. At 13 he is still very young (demonstrated by his crying tantrum when you refused to lie)!

Batalax · 12/06/2023 09:29

I would be tempted to say that I wouldn’t mention it, but if I was directly asked, I wouldn’t lie.
But agree it would have been better if you didn’t know.

Meeting · 12/06/2023 09:44

You've made the right call OP.

If I were the girls mum and I found out I'd be absolutely furious. At 13 I wouldn't approve a mixed sex sleepover, especially not with a boyfriend.