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Original poster

Please help me navigate this situation with my DS's girlfriend

127 replies

Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:17

Going to a festival in a few weeks. DS 13 wants to bring his GF 14 too. I've agreed as long as it's ok with her parents. They've only been dating a short while, but friends beforehand. Apparently GF's Mum worries a lot and GF has asked that I don't tell her that they're dating as she won't let her go. I've refused. Said I'm not happy lying. DS distraught. I've ruined the festival for him blah blah.

OP posts:
Housefullofcatsandkids · 11/06/2023 23:33

That would make me feel uncomfortable too. Chances are the GF is only assuming her mum wouldn't let her go if she knew. I wouldn't lie in this situation, it would be awful if you hid it and then it later came out that you knew as well, you'd lose the other mum's trust.

Sothisisitthen · 11/06/2023 23:34

The other parents absolutely need to know they are boyfriend and girlfriend and sharing a sleeping area (albeit also with you) for three nights.

Ilovetea42 · 11/06/2023 23:38

I would tell them that as you're responsible for them while you're there you won't lie to her mum. However I'd suggest the gf tells the mum herself because much better coming from her than you, but that you're happy to ring the mum and have a chat about how you plan to supervise them both to see if that alleviates any fears she has. Then let them make the decision. I'd also remind your ds that if he's serious about his gf then he needs to be respectful towards her family and sneaking around behind their backs will not give them a good impression of him when they do find out.

NoSquirrels · 11/06/2023 23:40

You’re doing the right thing.

I’d also have hated you doing it if I was the teen, but you are 100% doing the right thing.

Original poster
Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:41

Thank you all. You're very wise! It's good to hear what other's think. When you've got a sobbing teen it's easy to feel that you're the unreasonable one! I wish he could just take one of his friends and then we wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit.

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 11/06/2023 23:42

But why are you wondering? This is a 13 year old child and a 14 year old child. They are children still and you are the adult.

Even though the 14 year old 'can't' tell her parents she wants to go, she is still a child and you have to take her parent's rules on board whether you agree with them or not.

How would you feel if it was your 14 year old daughter?

And do they know your son? Do they know you? Which could make a big difference.
Their daughter, their rules! - whether the teenagers agree or not! ( and as a parent I know exactly how much teenagers employ emotional blackmail)

Totally with you on this - go to the festival on your own 😂😂

Mars27 · 11/06/2023 23:44

Would you be happy about another parent lying to you where your child was concerned? No? There's your answer then

MaidOfSteel · 11/06/2023 23:45

You're doing the right thing.

Put yourself in the girl's mother's place - you'd want to know, wouldn't you.

Original poster
Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:45

@ilovemyspace sometimes you just need to hear it from others. Single parent here who is constantly second guessing herself! I know deep down it is the right call. Think I will go on my own!

OP posts:
ilovemyspace · 11/06/2023 23:46

Or if you're really bothered about your DS joining you, maybe you could contact the GF parents and talk over any concerns thay may have?

Original poster
Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:46

@NoSquirrels I'd have hated it too if I were the teen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:47

I absolutely have put myself in the girl's Mum's place, which is why I've said I won't lie.
They both don't get it. They won't get it. Ah well!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 11/06/2023 23:48

No way would I lie to the mother of a 14 year old about her relationship with my son.

Actually no way would I be comfortable with the mother not knowing they are boyfriend and girlfriend.

The trip away sounds fine. But lying/obfuscating to her parents - no way, OP. This isn't in anyone's best interest including yours.

ilovemyspace · 11/06/2023 23:58

@Ridiculousradish seriously don't stress about it - I say this as one single parent to another. It's hard sometimes to judge whether we're getting it right because we don't always have someone like a husband or partner to talk it over with.

But I've found it's always been better to follow my gut instincts on things.

And I have a really good relationship with both of my grown-up daughters :)

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:01

Ffs, a 13-year-old doesn't need a girlfriend. Don't encourage premature entanglement ehen children should be focusing on education and developing self-esteem and other skills.

Children don't need to be pairing off let alone sobbing and begging over it. Fail.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:09

Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:28

I was really looking forward to us going together. I knew he'd get a bit bored just the two of us, but this has now turned into a stressfest!

Why would you even entertain the notion of a child "girlfriend" going along?

"This holiday is for you and me, son. I can't take responsibility for someone else's child on a three-day holiday."

Summerfun54321 · 12/06/2023 00:11

You DS and his girlfriend all in one tent!? What on earth is he thinking this is an awful idea! You'd wake up to the sound of heavy petting every night! He'll look back on this and cringe.

ilovemyspace · 12/06/2023 00:12

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune So judgemental. Great response.

ilovemyspace · 12/06/2023 00:15

@Summerfun54321
You DS and his girlfriend all in one tent!? What on earth is he thinking this is an awful idea! You'd wake up to the sound of heavy petting every night! He'll look back on this and cringe.

ouch! - you can tell who are the parents on this thread and who just wants to judge .........

Pallisers · 12/06/2023 00:17

Ridiculousradish · 11/06/2023 23:45

@ilovemyspace sometimes you just need to hear it from others. Single parent here who is constantly second guessing herself! I know deep down it is the right call. Think I will go on my own!

honestly OP even in a 2 parent family there were times I really needed to ask other parents/friends - I remember calling a mother I am friends with about a mixed sleepover party age about13. She gave me good advice as she had known the kids longer than I had. It is hard navigating the teen years and my one word of advice is to listen and accommodate if reasonable but make it clear you are in charge still.

Bristoluser · 12/06/2023 00:29

I'm clearly old fashioned but how are you condoning a 13 year old to date? Never mind sleeping with his 14 year old girlfriend. I know you're all in a tent together but at their ages they should still be children, not dating

Bristoluser · 12/06/2023 00:31

I'm a parent of one, step parent of 4 by the way

movein · 12/06/2023 00:33

Why on earth are you even entertaining taking 13/14 year old boyfriend and girfiend away. They’re children. It’s not a good idea

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:37

Bristoluser · 12/06/2023 00:29

I'm clearly old fashioned but how are you condoning a 13 year old to date? Never mind sleeping with his 14 year old girlfriend. I know you're all in a tent together but at their ages they should still be children, not dating

Exactly!

It's absurd.

If your son is so deeply affected by this, I'd be seeking counseling for him urgently, not worrying about humoring the notion of a "girlfriend " at his age. Let alone contemplating abetting a lie to her parents.

Come on! Be the adult here.

Teapot13 · 12/06/2023 00:52

I would not let my 13/14yr-old DD go on an overnight with boyfriend. It’s different with just friends. Pressure on the kids, for one.