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Original poster

I so hope this is the end (dying)

346 replies

Soupsetscared · 10/06/2023 18:14

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

OP posts:
Oioicaptain · 14/07/2023 20:09

You sound very kind for wishing your mother's suffering to end. In fact, it's pretty selfless of you to want things to end more peacefully for her, despite the fact that you will undoubtedly miss her. X

citymice · 14/07/2023 20:12

I'm so sorry, OP. How dreadful for all of you.

Missingmyusername · 14/07/2023 20:14

It’s such a cruel disease, it’s just existing in most cases. My aunt had it, we were very close, we were ‘lucky’ that she thought the home was a hotel, with lovely food and drink and staff to help her around. She died in her sleep.

I’m so sorry OP, it’s awful to see someone you love slip away.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
Clarice99 · 14/07/2023 20:25

I'm so sorry @Soupsetscared It must be devastating for you to watch your DM fade.

Wishing you strength to get through the coming weeks 💐

Papergirl1968 · 14/07/2023 20:42

We are in a similar situation with my DM. Been mostly asleep and hardly eating or drinking for a few days, but today is a bit better.
It's an emotional rollercoaster.
Last night one nurse told me she was getting to the point of being discharged back to the care home for palliative care. Today my sister has been told that if they can stabilise her blood pressure she will be discharged but is not at the palliative care stage yet.
She's tired of living, you can see it in her face, and in her eyes.
She's been incontinent for a while, has been hallucinating, and has lost the ability to walk and communicate, but they're injecting her with blood thinning meds, which she hates, taking blood, which she hates, and even gave her a rectal examination the other day as she was constipated.
Like you Op I want her to go quickly and peacefully, and then feel guilty about it.

Original poster
Soupsetscared · 14/07/2023 23:07

Thank you for your kind words.
And I'm so very sorry that others are going through this awful time as well.
This woman is not my Mum we lost her 2 1/2 years ago.
My DM was a vibrant person who loved to dance, sing(badly) shop, go on holidays, craft classes and play bingo. Wear cheap gaudy beads.
Had a best dinner service that was only used twice.
First time was for my brother's girlfriend now wife first visit.
Second time was when my boyfriend now husband came to meet mum and dad.
More friends than anyone I know.
Sent and received over 200 Christmas cards.
Loved our dogs but was more in love with her cat.

OP posts:
Zonder · 14/07/2023 23:33

So sad that you've lost this vibrant woman. Thinking of you as you watch her fade away.

citymice · 15/07/2023 01:50

This woman is not my Mum we lost her 2 1/2 years ago.

You are right. This is the best way of viewing things, I found (with my grandmother).

coffeeisthebest · 16/07/2023 20:45

Papergirl1968 · 14/07/2023 20:42

We are in a similar situation with my DM. Been mostly asleep and hardly eating or drinking for a few days, but today is a bit better.
It's an emotional rollercoaster.
Last night one nurse told me she was getting to the point of being discharged back to the care home for palliative care. Today my sister has been told that if they can stabilise her blood pressure she will be discharged but is not at the palliative care stage yet.
She's tired of living, you can see it in her face, and in her eyes.
She's been incontinent for a while, has been hallucinating, and has lost the ability to walk and communicate, but they're injecting her with blood thinning meds, which she hates, taking blood, which she hates, and even gave her a rectal examination the other day as she was constipated.
Like you Op I want her to go quickly and peacefully, and then feel guilty about it.

I really feel for you. We have been through a similar situation recently and to watch someone I love suffering on that level was so awful I also wished for death and then felt guilty that I had those thoughts. Has your mum signed a DNR? We got to the point where treatment was no longer given as this was their wishes.

user1471556818 · 16/07/2023 21:09

Really thinking of you and just so very sorry you are going through this
Dementia is a very wicked disease that no one realises until they are affected by it
She sounds like she is in the right place for her
Retired nurse here please look after yourself and enjoy the better moments with her
Just hugs

Papergirl1968 · 16/07/2023 22:15

coffeeisthebest · 16/07/2023 20:45

I really feel for you. We have been through a similar situation recently and to watch someone I love suffering on that level was so awful I also wished for death and then felt guilty that I had those thoughts. Has your mum signed a DNR? We got to the point where treatment was no longer given as this was their wishes.

Show quote history

Yes, we have a DNA. My sister gave consent for the rectal exam. I think I'd have refused it for DM. Tonight she's had her incontinence pad changed by a male student nurse. There's just no dignity left.

Papergirl1968 · 16/07/2023 22:15

DNR not DNA!

coffeeisthebest · 17/07/2023 08:44

Papergirl1968 · 16/07/2023 22:15

Yes, we have a DNA. My sister gave consent for the rectal exam. I think I'd have refused it for DM. Tonight she's had her incontinence pad changed by a male student nurse. There's just no dignity left.

Show quote history

Yes I remember that feeling, it gets to a point when you just want them to be left alone as you don't want them to suffer any more. I am so sorry for you all.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/07/2023 09:01

I’m so sorry you’re still going through all this, OP. I do hope it won’t be for much longer - your poor mum should be left in peace. 🙏

Bonmish · 17/07/2023 10:57

Soupsetscared · 14/07/2023 23:07

Thank you for your kind words.
And I'm so very sorry that others are going through this awful time as well.
This woman is not my Mum we lost her 2 1/2 years ago.
My DM was a vibrant person who loved to dance, sing(badly) shop, go on holidays, craft classes and play bingo. Wear cheap gaudy beads.
Had a best dinner service that was only used twice.
First time was for my brother's girlfriend now wife first visit.
Second time was when my boyfriend now husband came to meet mum and dad.
More friends than anyone I know.
Sent and received over 200 Christmas cards.
Loved our dogs but was more in love with her cat.

She sounds like a wonderful woman.

I'm still here reading your thread. Wishing you strength.

And reminding anyone who feels the same to sign the petition/donate to the Dignity in Dying campaigng. https://www.dignityindying.org.uk/

Dignity in Dying - Join the campaign

Dying people are taking their own lives here and abroad. The current law offers them no protection or support. Join us and help change the law.

https://www.dignityindying.org.uk/

user1471538283 · 17/07/2023 11:16

My DF always said we were more humane to animals.

My DGM was only aggressive when she had a water infection. But I think it was worse when she knew she was losing her memory. Once it was lost completely she was happier. So whilst it is so distressing to think they can't remember their lives it's comforting in a way.

My DGM stopped eating on the final day and passed that night. It may not be long for your DM.

I'm so sorry

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 17/07/2023 11:21

Papergirl1968 · 16/07/2023 22:15

Yes, we have a DNA. My sister gave consent for the rectal exam. I think I'd have refused it for DM. Tonight she's had her incontinence pad changed by a male student nurse. There's just no dignity left.

Show quote history

I’m really sorry to hear all this, but i wanted to mention one thing. I am a health care assistant and have worked with many male carers, student nurses and qualified nurses, and they have shown just as much skill and compassion as the female equivalents, please don’t think there has been any loss of dignity for your mum at all. I’ve honestly seen no difference in the care people receive.

Papergirl1968 · 17/07/2023 20:46

I know, @GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife and I'm sure they were very professional, but I just know mom would hate it if she was aware. 😪
I will sign that Dignity in Dying petition.

Original poster
Soupsetscared · 28/07/2023 17:31

Further update to mums condition if anyone is interested.
I tell you she is one stubborn person.
Now weighs 35 kg she is being given high calorie drinks.
(Up 1 kg in 5 weeks)
Still only eating a couple of nibbles of toast.
One spoon of cottage pie and maybe a bite of a sandwich.
Will only sip a tiny drink.
Hasn't a clue who I am.
Her rings have fallen off. Good job she can't stand as I don't think
her pants will hold up.
Throws random comments out. Because of the hospital not doing
any physio her legs have seized into a bent position.

OP posts:
FoodFann · 28/07/2023 17:40

@Soupsetscared Thank you for the update. This must be very hard 💐

BrightLightTonight · 28/07/2023 18:18

I’m so sorry that your mum is having to suffer like this. Thinking of you xx

Gerwurtztraminer · 28/07/2023 18:29

I'm sorry Soup, it's astonishing how hard the body fights to stay alive, against all the odds. I do think there is a core of innate stubbornness to it, a refusal to give up even when its not a conscious choice.

My mother (also with severe dementia) survived 3 lots of severe pneumonia over the last 2 years of her life (not medically treated in hospital just 'made comfortable') and finally died of the 4th bout, aged 87. We were all relieved by then, as very similar situation to your mum.

Stay strong. 🌻

Kiwano · 28/07/2023 18:32

So sorry you and your mother are having to deal with this OP. Unless and until we have an effective treatment or preventative for dementia, I'm really not sure that modern medicine does the very old any favours.

Allhailkingcharlie · 28/07/2023 18:57

@Soupsetscared I'm so sorry to read this. Sending big hugs to you and your Mum

guzzleandstuff · 28/07/2023 19:02

Thinking of you. We also went through this.

Mum was in a lovely care home for eighteen months. Often talked to me about "her daughter", popping in to see her mother (long dead), and saw many people and things that weren't there. Barely ate towards the end. Slept a lot. Was sometimes very cruel to me and would tell me to get out of her house/ office - wherever she thought she was.
I was sad when she died, very sad but also felt as though my prayers had been answered. I'd really lost my Mum two years or so earlier. Death was a relief. I can now remember her how she was - lovely, busy happy woman.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP.