I so hope this is the end (dying)

[Soupsetscared]

Mum broke her hip on Monday, had an operation on Tuesday.
She has been suffering with dementia for a number of years.
Lives in a residential home. She does have a DNAR in place.
Went to see her Wednesday and she is just curled up sleeping alot.
Same Thursday and Friday. The only thing she has eaten is a spoon
of porridge. One small sip of water. Ripped the canulla out herself.
Now is refusing all food and drink.
Yesterday the only words she said was to call me 'evil and a fING bith.
Today she hasn't eaten or drunk anything.
Hospital say it's not at the end yet. Will call me when it's nearly time, so I can
ring my brother and aunt.
I have never heard mum swear. I'm her only daughter and upset that she
thinks that about me.
Am I evil hoping it is the end. She has no life can't remember any of her family
and friends. Forgotten she was ever married.
This was someone who was the first on the dancefloor and last to get off.
Enter a beauty contest before marriage and won.
PA to the CEO of a top company.
Loved everyone and anyone.

Update
Mum has other ideas about dying.
All week she has been asleep in bed hardly eating or drinking.
No chatting or smiling. Grumpy about everything.
At one stage a nurse told me that mum had hit her.
Today she was transferred from hospital to a nursing home.
Lovely bright sunny room overlooking the garden.
I arrived and she had settled in and was reading a newspaper.
Yes her mind wandered. But new who I was.
Staff said that when she arrived by ambulance she was smiling
and very chatty. But still wouldn't eat.
Will see how she goes on.

Well, goodness! You just don't know, do you. Sounds to me as if she just made up her mind that it wasn't her time right then. We humans are pretty amazing creatures when it comes right down to it.

My mum had plateaus in her mental deterioration but would always bounce back from physical illnesses. Mentally, she'd stay the same for weeks or months then suddenly her cognition would take a dive then she'd stay there for weeks or months, rinse and repeat over the years. By the time she died, however, she was just an empty shell.

She died due to Covid though so we have no idea how long she would have gone on if Covid hadn't taken her. She was 98 but she had the internal systems (heart, lungs, etc) of someone 20 years younger.

I wish you and your mum peace and all the best for the time remaining to her.

What a roller coaster for you OP. I remember dropping everything at work and going to say goodbye to my grandad, on 5 different occasions- it was an office joke by the end. Sending love and strength x

Gosh. You really never know. I've seen similar with my parents although not as extreme. You never know where you are!

@Soupsetscared, so in that case, don't worry if you aren't able to visit on a specific day. Just see how it goes. There might be a 'long run' in this so remember to conserve your energy.
I'm sending you all of my best wishes.

@vipersnest1 thank you.
Brother and I went yesterday and it's as though it's a different woman.
The home had given her a bath and washed her hair.
She was sitting in a comfy wheelchair which is more like an armchair,
watching TV. An hour before she had joined in 'arm yoga'.
Of course her mind had wandered as she was tired so didn't know who we were.
Considering we both thought she wouldn't come out of hospital it's amazing.

I am glad you are having better days with your mum now. So hopefully you will have more happier memories.
My lovely dad had dementia and I remember reading once that it is much harder for their loved ones than for them. I think this was definitely true in our situation.
My dad passed away very peacefully in a lovely and caring nursing home,
surrounded by my mum, me and my brothers. Sending you love and hope.

We have just been through similar to this as well. These are really hard choices but until you have seen someone in real suffering and distress you can't understand why people decide the things they do. I have offended someone on another thread by saying that sometimes we don't want life to go on too long for a loved one who is in pain and suffering and I was told I was insensitive but I truly didn't mean it like that. I had never before realised how it would feel to watch someone I love go through so much suffering. I really feel for you OP. It sounds like your Mum has made an improvement and I hope this continues for her. Take care. None of this is easy.

@coffeeisthebest I quite understand what you are saying.

I don't know if it's good or bad but mum has rallied the last couple of days.
It's like a rollercoaster. Wednesday was a very bad day but yesterday was a bit better.
But mum was seeing things that weren't there and had only eaten 2 spoons of porridge. And had drunk a little bit of tea.
She was always stubborn so I think she'll dig her heels on dying.

@Soupsetscared, it was my Dad I just lost. He was also stubborn and rallied in his own way towards the end, even though he had told us before repeatedly that he just wanted to die. I was unprepared for the intensity of the hallucinations and suffering my Dad experienced. For us, it became about how to help him relax and stay calm as much as we could. It was such an intense period of time. People in my life have since told me I always seemed so calm but they did not have any idea of what we were going through or why it was so important for me to keep some routine outside of seeing my Dad as it was so utterly distressing to see him like that. Take care of yourself. If it helps to update here please keep writing whatever you need. We are reading. xx

@coffeeisthebest thank you.

We try to take amusement where we can.
Mum told my brother that all they serve for every meal is rabbit.

Yesterday she was seeing one of her cats (dead for over 20 years).
This was a bugger cat only mum could touch or even look at.
Yesterday she shouted for me and my husband to look away as Katie
is in the garden and we did 🤣🤣🤣🤣

We did exactly the same, you have to I think. It really lightened it for all of us otherwise we would have gone mad. It is so hard to explain that to other people in my life though as if I mentioned all the laughter they look at me in horror.

My Dad kept saying he was planning to write feedback when he left this place, just like everyone else did..we didn't want to point out to him that no one was leaving any feedback! 😂

Just found your thread. So sorry to read of the horrible time you're having with your mum.
We had similar a few years ago. Mum had lewi body dementia and was in a care home - she then was diagnosed with myeloma. We did t want her to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy as she had no quality of life with the dementia and treating the cancer seemed futile. We felt terrible because all the practitioners were wanting to give her treatment (chemo then 6 weeks of radiotherapy, travelling over an hour to the hospital for it every day). She didn't know what day it was, didn't know she had cancer, didn't know us and was rude and mean to us (swearing like your poor mum).
Eventually, she stopped eating and slept more and we lost her after about a month.
I wish you strength and send you love.

I remember my mother complaining that she couldn't see any reason why anything would change, she didn't want to be still there in 50 years' time and I wouldn't want to be still visiting her there in 50 years time. I had this little mental picture of myself doddering along to visit her when she was aged 140 when I would be 110, and she couldn't understand why I was smiling about it.

So glad your Mum has been moved to a lovely nursing home, it will make all the difference to you when she is no longer here. My Dad made it to the the most wonderful nursing home for his last 3 weeks. For myself and my brother it made our Dads death easier to know he had been well cared for in his dying days and that in the end he had a good death, not drawn out and full of pain in a noisy hospital ward. It is a rollercoaster and some days you have to force yourself through the doors of the nursing home but you can't go every day as you will wear yourself out, my brother and i took turns. Enjoy the precious time you have left and know that we are all thinking of you x

Update on mum.
As usual she has gone into stubborn mode.
When anyone visits she either is aware or asleep.
Sometimes that's pretending to be asleep.
Yesterday was the initial community health care assessment.
They have decided that she is not at the end of her life.
Full assessment takes place next week.
Weights 34.9kg. Referring her to the community dietitian.
That means she has lost over 10kg since April.
Even eating a small piece of toast she says she is full.
Rollercoaster continues.

Oh OP that's rough, although the mind boggles at how they consider that weight not to be life limiting. Can't imagine they'll force her to eat?? Hang in there.

Don't know if anyone is still interested in this thread.
Mum is now down to 31kg. Similar weight to my 10 year old niece.
Has only 1 spoon of porridge in the morning.
Maybe 5 or 6 chips at lunch and a yoghurt for tea.
I take in her favourite chocolate cake and she doesn't even touch it.
Has a few sips of water/juice and a tiny cup of tea.
Won't let anyone feed her.
Has alert moments but wants to sleep a lot.
Her rings have fallen off.
Her legs are so thin I can get my finger and thumb to meet up.
The home are doing their best. Took her to balloon tennis activity today
and she did hit the balloon a couple of times.
Her voice is so very very quiet sometimes I don't know what she has said.

I'm sorry OP. This sounds hard for you and her

I’ve been following your thread and I have been where you are. It’s not easy to see your mum slowly fade away. Sending you both strength and courage for the days to follow.

This is why I support euthanasia in these circumstances.
Mum can't walk. Doesn't know that she has broken her hip.
Doesn't realise that not only has she moved homes but moved towns as well.
Of course the home can't force feed her so she is starving herself to death.
This could go on a few weeks. Heartbreaking.
Still waiting for the community dietitian to get in touch.
I find it difficult to understand why she has bursts of life but then it's gone again.

Your Mum does not think badly of you - she is in another place, and unaware of what she is saying. This awful tortuous disease turns people into strangers - I feel for you having to endure this time. This is absolutely not your Mother saying these things. x

So sorry … it must be so very hard for you watching your mum fade. Sending you huge hugs x

I’m sorry xxx