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Original poster

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?

110 replies

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:28

DD is 14 and has been off school for the last two days due to mental health issues. She is on the spectrum, has sensory issues and was doing well until a set of exams really threw her off, made her really poorly and she seems to be experiencing what I can only describe as burnout. I have informed the school and have asked if she can be authorised a few days absence from school to recover as her anxiety is through the roof and she is simply not mentally well enough to attend. Even if they don't authorise it I will most likely be keeping her off until next week. She has asked to spend the day out with her grandmother to go round the second hand shops (she loves this) and go for lunch and I think this will really cheer her up, only I am worried she will be spotted by someone at her school and they will think we are lying about her issues. Not really sure what to do as I have seen what forcing DD in to school when she is feeling like this can do to her, but I don't want her to have to be a prisoner at home because that isn't helping her mental health either! Her attendance is 94% and while I understand that isn't good I don't know what good would come of sending her in when she is so anxious and unhappy.

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

OP posts:
SpringOn · 06/06/2023 18:31

I would be really careful allowing days off like this.
Much better, imo to help her to find ways to cope and learn to be resilient.

KnickerlessParsons · 06/06/2023 18:33

I wouldn't have asked. I would have reported her as sick. There's nothing to say you can't go to the shops with your granny if your sick - particularly if it's good therapy.

However I probably wouldn't let my DD take the days off - doesn't set a good expectation for the world of work. We have enough problems with youngsters in work thinking they can pick and choose which days they work as it is.

Original poster
Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:34

SpringOn · 06/06/2023 18:31

I would be really careful allowing days off like this.
Much better, imo to help her to find ways to cope and learn to be resilient.

Yes I know and I do agree with this line of thinking, but we have a history of homeschooling DD for mental health issues as well, it isn't the first time we have gone through an episode like this. I did force her in to try and teach resilience and all it did was make her more unwell Sad

OP posts:

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JustGeorgie · 06/06/2023 18:35

I wouldn't allow days off for this either

NoSquirrels · 06/06/2023 18:35

If you think the day off doing those activities will be good for her then own your decision and don’t spend time worrying about what ifs like what if someone saw her? If someone sees her then… well, nothing will happen.

You know your child so you decide. Setting a precedent that this is OK, and it being a slippery slope to more time missed is a consideration - but you need to weigh that up against what you think she needs right now.

BonnieGlasses · 06/06/2023 18:36

If she's very unwell then by all means keep her off. But as she's already had two days off, can she not have the day out with her gran at the weekend as a "reward" for making the effort to go to school for the rest of the week? We all have to get on with stuff even if we're not feeling 100% and 14 isn't too early to start learning that.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/06/2023 18:39

Can you wait until Saturday to do the day of going around the charity shops and out for lunch? I think if she is burnt out and too mentally unwell to go to school then it’s fine to keep her off school. I would phone and say that she is unwell, however if she then uses those sick days to go out then like you I would be worried about her being seen out and about and that it could cause unnecessary difficulty from the school which it doesn’t sound like either of you need. I think I would find nice things to do at home for the next few days and then take her out with her grandmother at the weekend.

NoSquirrels · 06/06/2023 18:40

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

I think they do, for the most part, as in if their parent or caregiver calls them in unwell and unable to attend (whether mental health or physical health) then that’s what’s marked as absence. If a child’s absence goes above a certain level for whatever reason they have to make plans to address that.

The problem is that you want their permission/agreement to give her a day off. You’re thinking about it in the wrong way. It’s you who gives the permission and notifies the school why she’s absent (i.e. she’s too unwell today to attend).

Original poster
Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:40

She usually can't go into the town on Saturdays due to the crowds causing too much anxiety, unfortunately, but I absolutely take your points.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 06/06/2023 18:41

you need to ask opinions of those with experience of children with mental health difficulties/ autistic/ sensory issues. Otherwise you’ll get really poor advice. There is a ND and MH section

Sundaefraise · 06/06/2023 18:43

I don't agree with all the people saying don't allow days off for this. If she has ASD she is experiencing burnout in a different way to a NT person. She may actually need the time to decompress and be ready to return after she has had it. Having had a young relative with ASD commit suicide I think you have to be mindful that she is at greater risk. I can see it could be a slippery slope, but I don't think pushing her to breaking point is the answer.

ToughLoving · 06/06/2023 18:47

@Rolypops I am the parent of a young teen who has experienced ASD burnout. It is not the same as having a “few days off” for mental health or “duvet days”.

You’ll be told you’re heading on a slippery slope and should not allow it but I have seen first hand the damage burnout can do. It is irreparable. I never forced my DC in to school when mentally unwell and I still stick with this stance.

Let her go out with her granny. Make it clear what your expectations are , but be understanding that she is struggling , she’s not trying to bunk off .

TeenDivided · 06/06/2023 18:47

Suggest you ask on the SEN board.
Autistic burnout is a real thing. If she needs the time off she needs it.
Don't ask, call her in sick.

But you will need to work out a strategy for y10 & y11 so she doesn't crash out entirely.

Namechangedagain20 · 06/06/2023 18:48

BungleandGeorge · 06/06/2023 18:41

you need to ask opinions of those with experience of children with mental health difficulties/ autistic/ sensory issues. Otherwise you’ll get really poor advice. There is a ND and MH section

Exactly this. It’s not a case of a ‘typical’ teen wanting a day off. Factoring in ASD and anxiety changes the situation. I would just keep her off OP but wouldn’t have asked the school. I’ve worked with SEN students for years and they do occasionally need a mental health day or two, having to mask all the time at school can be exhausting for them. As for teaching resilience, it’s better that she learns to recognise when she is burnt out and how to recover from that with a short break than the alternative of carrying on and there being more long lasting consequences for her.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/06/2023 18:48

I think there’s a big misunderstanding of ASD burnout on this thread.

ASD burnout needs time to recover and de stress. If you keep going it gets worse and worse. It’s a long term condition which can take a couple of years to recover from. One of the ways to help it is to do what you enjoy, ie shopping with grandma.

My dd has been off for 6 weeks with it. Diagnosed by a senior clinical psychologist. My dd is still not much better, but is more relaxed. Still mentally exhausted though.

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:50

I’d also suggest possibly moving this to SEN board.

I have a child with SEN and and I would absolutely keep him off on these circumstances ( and allow a day with granny). Austria tic burn out is very real and her mental health is way way more important than attending a few days at school.

Id also agree that you just need to own this decision and do what is right for your daughter ( I’ve learnt this the hard way making bad decisions for my son because I worried about doing the ‘right’ thing etc so I say this with sympathy!)

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:51

*autistic burnout

SimilarToAClockShape · 06/06/2023 18:51

@Rolypops I would ask MN to move your thread to the SN Chat board. You won't generally get lots of people on the main boards who understand the context of autism and MH issues for a 14 yo girl, and with the best intentions you'll just get opinions which aren't applicable to your DD's situation.

Of course it sounds to others who don't know the context of autism and MH like you're giving her a "day off" or setting up a slippery slope - and of course this is not what you're doing.

SimilarToAClockShape · 06/06/2023 18:52

@Sundaefraise so sorry to hear about the loss of your relative, that is deeply sad.

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:52

Tbh even if my NT child was so distressed about going into school I wouldn’t make them either thinking about it!

Quartz2208 · 06/06/2023 18:55

Please join not fine in school Facebook group.

DS needed 5 weeks off with his burnout and a reduced 6 week timetable. School tried to tell me it was too long he wouldn’t come back (he did) and I was causing his anxiety (I wasn’t). He went back full time in Feb and has average 85% since then. Sometimes days are just too much for him

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:56

Should add I’ve also found it helpful to remember that there isn’t one straight path for everyone through academia and into life. Some children need a different route/get there later/ need time out/resit or retake or find a different path from traditional exams ( it was actually an open day at a specialist autism school that said this to me).

I find accepting this also helps keep attending school and school’s place in a child’s life for those children that struggle in perspective.

Original poster
Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:56

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:50

I’d also suggest possibly moving this to SEN board.

I have a child with SEN and and I would absolutely keep him off on these circumstances ( and allow a day with granny). Austria tic burn out is very real and her mental health is way way more important than attending a few days at school.

Id also agree that you just need to own this decision and do what is right for your daughter ( I’ve learnt this the hard way making bad decisions for my son because I worried about doing the ‘right’ thing etc so I say this with sympathy!)

This is it, never knowing what the 'right' thing to do is and wanting to cooperate with the school etc but I also recognise that she isn't in the psychological state to attend.

OP posts:
KisstheTeapot14 · 06/06/2023 18:57

Do what you think is right for her. MH is every bit as serious as physical health.
Burnout is real. She will be with you long after school is just a memory! I wouldn't ask I would just tell school she is not coming in. School is hard when you have ASD.

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:58

@Rolypops - I think you do know the right thing to do for your daughter though - it’s clear from your OP. Have trust you know what’s best for her. Sadly many schools really don’t

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