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Original poster

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?

110 replies

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:28

DD is 14 and has been off school for the last two days due to mental health issues. She is on the spectrum, has sensory issues and was doing well until a set of exams really threw her off, made her really poorly and she seems to be experiencing what I can only describe as burnout. I have informed the school and have asked if she can be authorised a few days absence from school to recover as her anxiety is through the roof and she is simply not mentally well enough to attend. Even if they don't authorise it I will most likely be keeping her off until next week. She has asked to spend the day out with her grandmother to go round the second hand shops (she loves this) and go for lunch and I think this will really cheer her up, only I am worried she will be spotted by someone at her school and they will think we are lying about her issues. Not really sure what to do as I have seen what forcing DD in to school when she is feeling like this can do to her, but I don't want her to have to be a prisoner at home because that isn't helping her mental health either! Her attendance is 94% and while I understand that isn't good I don't know what good would come of sending her in when she is so anxious and unhappy.

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

OP posts:
HadalyEve · 06/06/2023 19:46

I have an autistic DD and we absolutely did this for her. We called them sanity days and told her any day she couldn’t face school, no questioned asked she didn’t have to go in. Now, a NT child might take the piss and bunk off school and their grades would slip, but with my ND child having this control over her mental well being meant she would only take off the days she needed.

We never asked the school, either because as you can see from this thread society isn’t ready for MH sick days for children yet. They’re barely accepted for adults! We simply told the school she was unwell with stress and autistic burnout.

The result was she was able to focus and work that much harder when she was in school and you can’t argue with eleven 9s and four A* s in terms of “oh your child will fail their exams!” What works for an ND child is often the exact opposite of what works for a NT child, keep being that supportive rock she needs.

HadalyEve · 06/06/2023 19:51

I'm worried about getting in legal trouble over it,
Dont be. Worst case someone spots DD with Nan. School sends you a letter. You explain being with her Nan is how she de-stresses from burnout as an autistic child. School disagrees issues you £50 fine. You pay, nothing happens. Or you refuse to pay, you go to court. In meantime you get a letter from a consultant saying this is exactly what is correct thing to do for an autistic child having burnout and pressure leads to mental breakdown, complete school refusal even suicide so her going with Nan was essential self care for mental well-being. Court tosses out school fine and you are ok.

hellswelshy · 06/06/2023 19:51

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 18:58

@Rolypops - I think you do know the right thing to do for your daughter though - it’s clear from your OP. Have trust you know what’s best for her. Sadly many schools really don’t

Agree with this post. My 15 Yr old dd is exactly the same at times, she has sensory issues and gets burnt out. I've kept her off the odd few days when she is literally crumbling in front of me. I've asked for help from school, flagged up why I've kept her off on these few days too...no response. Yet I get countless general emails about attendance figures 🙄 So in short, if they won't help me support my child to go to school I will do what's right for her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families General education
hiredandsqueak · 06/06/2023 19:55

Dd and ds ASD here both had time off when needed. I would keep her off and let her do whatever she wants to help her feel better. Pushing through won't make her resilient it will simply break her. Phone her in sick, don't feel you have to explain too much, she's not well enough to attend that's all they need to know.

SaveMeFromForearms · 06/06/2023 19:59

This thread is so helpful.

For those talking about the Facebook group Not Fine in School, more than one comes up, which one did you join please?

tattychicken · 06/06/2023 20:01

Autistic burn out is not burn out as in "I'm tired and stressed and need a duvet day". It's a different league to that and can lead to them being completely shut down, not speaking, eating, or leaving their bed for days/weeks at a time. Often even longer. Huge repercussions, mentally, physically and with regards to their education.

A few days off to avoid that happening is essential. Trust your gut, listen to your daughter, and ignore the people who will always comment on how you parent your ND child. You have to have a thick skin and learn to follow your own path. ❤️

FontSnob · 06/06/2023 20:01

Mental health is more important, take the days and get her up to full strength, let her go with granny.

Hoppinggreen · 06/06/2023 20:05

BungleandGeorge · 06/06/2023 18:41

you need to ask opinions of those with experience of children with mental health difficulties/ autistic/ sensory issues. Otherwise you’ll get really poor advice. There is a ND and MH section

My DH has/had MH difficulties and I did occasionally allow her time off school but I didn’t let her go shopping.
I know they are all different and you need to make your own decision OP but it’s not a case of MH vs Skiving, sometimes it’s a bit of both and it’s impossible to be sure. Sometimes DD couldn’t cope and sometimes she just didn’t fancy it but we treated both the same.

NewNovember · 06/06/2023 20:10

SpringOn · 06/06/2023 18:31

I would be really careful allowing days off like this.
Much better, imo to help her to find ways to cope and learn to be resilient.

Would you say that to an adult having a mental health crisis at work? Why should kids be relisiant and suffer with autistic burnout and severe mental health issues and adults get signed off with stress?

NewNovember · 06/06/2023 20:12

Op of course keep her off and have the day with granny. Nothing is more important than your daughters health.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 06/06/2023 20:17

I second what others who have experience of parenting an ASD child / teen say too. Don't follow the advice of those who don't have experience who tell you they need to build resilience. I have one NT teen and one ASD teen. I have to parent them very differently.
My DD (16) spent an academic year in bed (year 9) under a duvet due to autistic burn out - partly as she had soldiered on through school without speaking up. I Co-erced and tried and tore my hair out trying to get her to go in until I realised what was happening. It's awful to go through as a parent but even worse for them.

Not fine in school ( the Facebook group) has been a life changer. Also Google / look up on Youtube Naomi Fisher who is an expert on this. The other brilliant group is Autistic girls network. I couldn't have got through the last through years without them.

There are many cases more extreme than yours and some less so - but you will receive lots of invaluable advice as sadly so many of our young people are going through this.

I think you are doing completely the right thing listening to her and trusting your instincts. Your relationship with her is so important and she needs to know you are listening to her. Good luck - I know how hard this is. Go and join those groups!

NewNovember · 06/06/2023 20:18

It's this one

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?
itsgettingweird · 06/06/2023 20:22

My ds is autistic.

You should absolutely call her in unwell if her mental health is too poor due to overload.

My my ds had this and had a week off his school tired not to authorise it.

The local inclusion team actually told them off and the used another code ( educated off site) and sent some work for him to do because I explained it was the environment he couldn't cope with and autism isn't simply "getting over it and being resilient".

CloudySky82 · 06/06/2023 20:22

Mental health is as important as physical health. It’s completely possible to be well enough for a day out but not well enough for school. Just keep her off an send a note saying she was unwell, you don’t have to specify in which was she was feeling unwell. Mental health days are important

itsgettingweird · 06/06/2023 20:23

Oh btw I also took ds to the GP this week for his anxiety and they refused to authorise the day off for this appointment to see if we could address it for him to return 🤦‍♀️

SaveMeFromForearms · 06/06/2023 20:24

NewNovember · 06/06/2023 20:18

It's this one

Thank you!

A27009D56 · 06/06/2023 20:26

I’d definitely let your daughter have the rest of the week off and have a lovely wander around the charity shops if that’s what she needs.
When my DD was at school she’d occasionally have what we called “stress” day off, we’d go shopping, feed the ducks or have lunch ….. in fact anything she wanted to do. It had no affect on her schooling, she eventually got 3A* and 1A at A level and a First from a Russell group Uni (not bragging on her behalf just saying at it doesn’t always have a negative effect on education)
I’ve always felt that as her Mother I knew what was best for her and it was my job to do it.

nosykids · 06/06/2023 20:29

You should ask for this to be moved to the SN teens board op, as others have said - you will get very poor advice from people who have no experience of autism and think you should parent your ND dc in the same way that they parent their NT dc.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 06/06/2023 20:35

She sounds just like my 9 year old daughter even down to her love of second hand shops 🤣.
I allow my daughter mental health days and don't give a tish if school like it or not,I know what my child needs and asd and masking is physically and mentally exhausting!

Ladybug14 · 06/06/2023 20:43

I know nothing about burnout for those who are ND

But I'm interested in ASKING the school if she can have time off when she's ill

Is this a new thing in 2023? When my daughter was younger I told the school when she was ill and kept her off for as long as I saw fit

Quartz2208 · 06/06/2023 20:44

NewNovember · 06/06/2023 20:18

It's this one

Yep that’s the one.

just realised when I joined in October 22 it had 33k now it’s on 42k shows how many need it.

it has really helped me not feel alone and follow my instincts on it. And really push the school to authorise

LizzieBet14 · 06/06/2023 20:45

After seeing my daughter with ASD go through burnout, I think 'you' (the school) should give her the time she needs. Has she got an EHCP?
Ps I think 94% attendance is amazing!

dearJayne · 06/06/2023 20:46

I think your right to keep her off op.

Justgivemesomepeace · 06/06/2023 20:50

Keep her off. My autistic niece couldn't cope in school and is now in trauma therapy for it 3 years later. School was a terrible experience for her and did her more harm than good. College were far more flexible and understanding and she got through that much better but still with hiccups along the way. She is coping really well now in her apprenticeship and attending everyday. We would never have believed it a few years ago.

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/06/2023 21:07

i would keep her off . My D’s has Asd / adhd . He is currently doing GCSE’s. He has masked mostly at school . The change of routine/ exam stress has meant more phone calls because he isn’t managing. I am trying to reduce stress at home to manage that but it’s not great

I absolutely in your situation I would and have done - she won’t learn in that state and if anything like my Ds will actually prevent other’s learning.

I simply would tell them she is mentally unwell and won’t be in.