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Original poster

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?

110 replies

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:28

DD is 14 and has been off school for the last two days due to mental health issues. She is on the spectrum, has sensory issues and was doing well until a set of exams really threw her off, made her really poorly and she seems to be experiencing what I can only describe as burnout. I have informed the school and have asked if she can be authorised a few days absence from school to recover as her anxiety is through the roof and she is simply not mentally well enough to attend. Even if they don't authorise it I will most likely be keeping her off until next week. She has asked to spend the day out with her grandmother to go round the second hand shops (she loves this) and go for lunch and I think this will really cheer her up, only I am worried she will be spotted by someone at her school and they will think we are lying about her issues. Not really sure what to do as I have seen what forcing DD in to school when she is feeling like this can do to her, but I don't want her to have to be a prisoner at home because that isn't helping her mental health either! Her attendance is 94% and while I understand that isn't good I don't know what good would come of sending her in when she is so anxious and unhappy.

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

OP posts:
DragonflyLady · 07/06/2023 11:31

Absolutely do this. If a day out with her grandmother helps in the recuperation process, then sod what anyone else thinks.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/06/2023 12:07

GoodChat · 07/06/2023 10:17

I'd let her have her day out with grandma today to reset and send her back to school tomorrow.

If she's just sat at home for a week it's not going to help her.

Sitti g at home for a week is exactly what’s going to help her.

ASD people are overstimulated all the time and can’t be themselves. So a week or preray longer is exactly what she needs to wind down.

Discoverysnakes · 07/06/2023 18:34

Resilience really often means in a school context just fitting in and doing things you aren’t comfortable with irrespective of the impact on mental health. I think schools often struggle to understand that many ND children will not ever ‘become’ NT - so for example they see it as a result if they manage to get a child with sensory to attend music because that means they are more ‘normal’ ( not saying this always comes from a bad place).

Tbh I think school can also be challenging for many NT children as well - and I wouldn’t force my NT child in if in distress either. The whole education system is in a pretty bad place.

sorry for the diversion OP - I hope you got some confidence in your decision from the parents of ND children in this thread.

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14 year olds Families General education
SaveMeFromForearms · 07/06/2023 19:33

Exactly @Discoverysnakes

My DD's school seem to think that if she can sit through one lesson, she can sit through the whole day without any problem. Not caring that it takes everything she has to sit through just one.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/06/2023 20:58

I used to be a teacher. I hate the obsession with ‘resilience’

Its like full attendance. Kids feel crap if they can’t do either. Often ‘resilience’ in schools means just shut up and put up. Ie, you may have opinions and be fed up, but that doesn’t count in our happy smiley school where you need to confirm.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/06/2023 22:53

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/06/2023 20:58

I used to be a teacher. I hate the obsession with ‘resilience’

Its like full attendance. Kids feel crap if they can’t do either. Often ‘resilience’ in schools means just shut up and put up. Ie, you may have opinions and be fed up, but that doesn’t count in our happy smiley school where you need to confirm.

This is so true

CrazyLadie · 04/07/2023 19:04

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:34

Yes I know and I do agree with this line of thinking, but we have a history of homeschooling DD for mental health issues as well, it isn't the first time we have gone through an episode like this. I did force her in to try and teach resilience and all it did was make her more unwell Sad

Show quote history

I have a life long debilitating mental health disorder and from experience I say it is better to take a few days now than wait till she has a full breakdown/burnout. The worse thing ya can do is lock yourself away, walking and doing something you enjoy are positive things and very good for your mental health. When you have a medical issue people can see they are always more supportive, the amount of flack I have take cause ya can't see my disability is shocking!!! So what is right for your child and screw everyone else school included!!

SpanglySpaniels · 04/07/2023 19:27

Rolypops I can hear from your first message that you know the right thing to do. You’re her mum, and it’s fine to do what’s best for your daughter, even if it pisses someone off or is against the rules.

I am an EP and mum of two ND kids. I love my work but one of the hardest things is the feeling that you are picking up the pieces after a child has been broken by the system. Normally after years of talk of ‘not rewarding them’ and ‘building resilience.’ Parents, kids and schools all breathe a big sigh of relief when I suggest we park that line of thinking and put a child, not a system in the centre. They really didn’t need to wait for me to come along and say that. It’s simple human compassion. Sadly, it’s often too late to rebuild a child’s trust in school.

I completely understand why parents want to do what schools often say is the ‘right’ thing. I’ve done it myself at times with my own kids, and carry the guilt of not doing what was right. But over the years, I’ve learned to see the big picture and to think about the values I want to instill in my children, and those I work with. Yes, resilience is great, and it’s lovely to fit in but more important is for a child to know that their happiness matters and that people are listening.

Good luck xx

BestBadger · 14/07/2023 08:57

SpanglySpaniels · 04/07/2023 19:27

Rolypops I can hear from your first message that you know the right thing to do. You’re her mum, and it’s fine to do what’s best for your daughter, even if it pisses someone off or is against the rules.

I am an EP and mum of two ND kids. I love my work but one of the hardest things is the feeling that you are picking up the pieces after a child has been broken by the system. Normally after years of talk of ‘not rewarding them’ and ‘building resilience.’ Parents, kids and schools all breathe a big sigh of relief when I suggest we park that line of thinking and put a child, not a system in the centre. They really didn’t need to wait for me to come along and say that. It’s simple human compassion. Sadly, it’s often too late to rebuild a child’s trust in school.

I completely understand why parents want to do what schools often say is the ‘right’ thing. I’ve done it myself at times with my own kids, and carry the guilt of not doing what was right. But over the years, I’ve learned to see the big picture and to think about the values I want to instill in my children, and those I work with. Yes, resilience is great, and it’s lovely to fit in but more important is for a child to know that their happiness matters and that people are listening.

Good luck xx

This, with bells on.

Bikesandbees · 18/01/2024 11:39

I strongly disagree with people saying they wouldn't allow the time off. They must have zero experience with mental illness, neurodiversity etc.

You know your child and what she needs. Keep the school up to date on what you're doing and why, and involve your GP if you need to, but don't force her back if she's struggling.

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