DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?

[Rolypops]

DD is 14 and has been off school for the last two days due to mental health issues. She is on the spectrum, has sensory issues and was doing well until a set of exams really threw her off, made her really poorly and she seems to be experiencing what I can only describe as burnout. I have informed the school and have asked if she can be authorised a few days absence from school to recover as her anxiety is through the roof and she is simply not mentally well enough to attend. Even if they don't authorise it I will most likely be keeping her off until next week. She has asked to spend the day out with her grandmother to go round the second hand shops (she loves this) and go for lunch and I think this will really cheer her up, only I am worried she will be spotted by someone at her school and they will think we are lying about her issues. Not really sure what to do as I have seen what forcing DD in to school when she is feeling like this can do to her, but I don't want her to have to be a prisoner at home because that isn't helping her mental health either! Her attendance is 94% and while I understand that isn't good I don't know what good would come of sending her in when she is so anxious and unhappy.

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

Actually they legally must authorise any absence due to illness, and your DD’s absence is illness (severe anxiety related to Autism). Every time you email
in you just say:

“Unfortunately DD is too unwell with Autism related severe anxiety - please mark this absence as I-illness”

Copy and paste every time. They must authorise, and they must not insist on medical evidence unless they doubt what you are telling them. This is law.

As another poster has said, join Not Fine In School on FB or website, they are brilliant for reassuring parents what is legal, and how to manage it in collaboration with the school. All the legalities are there for you.

For what it’s worth I think you’re doing everything right; my Autistic DS burnt out in Y7 and was off for a whole term. It’s the school’s legal duty to provide or arrange alternatives if a child misses 15 days (doesn’t need to be consecutive).

Please do not force your daughter to go to school thinking it will improve her resilience. This outdated method does the exact opposite and can have catastrophic results. If it were so simple as using force you wouldn't have thousands of parents on the Not Fine At School website at absolute breaking point after having exhausted all avenues. It has absolutely nothing to do with the students resilience, it is a mental health disorder that DRs, CAHMS, and other professionals seems to have no clue how to deal with. The success rates are absolutely dire and the waiting list and support abysimal.

“Unfortunately DD is too unwell with Autism related severe anxiety - please mark this absence as I-illness”

This sounds like good advice. My kids are NT but one has suffered with anxiety. I know him and I know that structure helps him so I kept taking him in - if a day with gran would have helped him recover then I would have done that Instead.

you know her and you want to help her be as well as she can be. Do the gran thing!

Totally agree with this. Sometimes they just need a bit of time to chill out. I'd def keep her off!

A day out with gran is rewarding her. With school refusing it's a very fine line we tread. I've been there but my dd knew if she "couldn't" go to school she was expected to work 6 full hours from my office (I had a spare desk) so I knew if I got called to pick her up she wasn't expecting an easy ride. It's tough and I'm not unsympathetic to my dd who is autistic, but the real world doesn't make allowances so I feel she needs to learn to cope (we are years on now, it worked)

You need to apply for an EHCP without delay.

The “real world” does make allowances though. What do you think adults signed off work with stress or burnout do? They don’t WFH all day chained to a desk. Self-care to destress isn’t a ‘reward’.

I don’t think you are giving your DD a very healthy message that life is never “an easy ride” and when she’s too stressed to handle school you plunk her in another stressful situation. That’s not going to be beneficial long term- I’m talking decades long term.

@HadalyEve

Many many children with ASD struggle hugely with the school system. It's specially school that causes so much angst for them and their 'one size fits all' mentality.

My DD (16) has had an awful few years at school but then has thrived when working. It's the same for many. Fortunately the world of work is very different to school and people can choose a career that has many variables- unlike school. As many have said, the approach with an NT child v a ND mind have to be very different. I have one of each. Forcing a child with ASD into school is a road to ruin even if they go in on that day. I used to congratulate myself when I managed to get my teen DD in for a whole week - but this would inevitably be followed by a week in bed due to the exhaustion of masking and all that school requires of her.
Also worth pointing out that as people mature, those with ASD will learn to manage their struggles in a more effective way. Thankfully, employers are also becoming more open to the ND world and mental health. It's very different to school.

My DS was broken by school, I made the decision not to send him back after one summer holiday and was honest with the school. The SENCO told me to call in sick for him as he was too mentally unwell to attend school - it’s a valid reason. He was given a place at a specialist before the start of the new year so we didn’t actually have to go down that route.

Let her spend the day with her granny and have a chance to mentally recover. If you push an anxious child you will make things so much worse.

Yes, you’re absolutely right, the “real world” does make allowances and this idea that a parent of an ASD child must toughen them up, not give them an easy ride, teach them resilience by pushing through is wrong headed and counter-productive. We know many people with ASD thrive in the working world simply because you CAN call in sick when you need a mental break. You don’t need your parents permission and you don’t have a parent making you WFH to toughen you up and telling you how awful the “real world” is- when it really isn’t.

@HadalyEve

So sorry - I read your post when I was half asleep and completely missed your point. I agree with you!

No apology needed! I gathered you were agreeing with me and adding on 😉

SPD/DCD/ADHD burnout is real - our child missed a whole term. Best thing we did was allow them retreat, rest and figure out a way to manage. Back in school now and doing state exams - best outcome we could have asked for regardless of results. They needed time to figure out how to be resilient and prioritise, and with support from the gp, school, their schoolmates and us, have returned to school relatively stable. The world does not stop turning because they miss a bit of school!

If you end up in court ( this is the most extreme, rare and highly unlikely outcome for most families) Supporting medical documentation will increase your chances of the case being thrown out. It probably won’t even make it on the list.

Authorities can insist legally that all children must go to school, but the onus is on the state to supply the education. If a child is too unwell, then a plan must be produced by the school. In your case op, it’s no different to a broken leg, medically speaking. In your place I would try to ensure you cover your back sufficiently with dates medical records and letters that can support the absence, should the need ever arise.

*gogohmm · Yesterday 21:41

A day out with gran is rewarding her. With school refusing it's a very fine line we tread. I've been there but my dd knew if she "couldn't" go to school she was expected to work 6 full hours from my office (I had a spare desk) so I knew if I got called to pick her up she wasn't expecting an easy ride. It's tough and I'm not unsympathetic to my dd who is autistic, but the real world doesn't make allowances so I feel she needs to learn to cope (we are years on now, it worked)*

WTF?!

Senior pyschologist gave my dd info on burnout. Top thing was ‘do things you enjoy’ We tried a much gentler tough love approach than you. My dd self harmed as she couldn’t deal with one hour a day. Ended up in A and E. I’d never do it again. Worse day of my life. My dd was too burnt out to do any school work. I feel very sorry for this child. This is almost abuse.

Trying to get someone who is experiencing autistic burnout to go to school is a stupid idea. Don't do that.

And if you think an activity will benefit her in her recovery, let her do it. It hardly matters if anyone sees her, and presumably staff and pupils will mostly be in school themselves during the day anyway.

I'd let her have her day out with grandma today to reset and send her back to school tomorrow.

If she's just sat at home for a week it's not going to help her.

learn to be resilient

Disgraceful comment from someone with no clue what it is like.

School is set up for NT people. I used to skip school frequently because it was full of unkind arseholes. I'm fine in the world of work , I chose my job and career path. Navigating the world as an autistic teenage female is very very difficult. The friendship dynamics are very confusing

I think if she's really unwell she needs a doctors note and to be signed off properly for a couple of weeks.

Does she have support/therapy?

Not for the odd day or three off. And GPs aren’t contracted to do doctors notes for school, the school cannot legally require one.

My parents also tried forcing me to school i was being horrifically bullied i just didnt understand the social rules with teenage girls. I attempted suicide 3 times and was admitted to hospital for 9 months. My autism was missed I was diagnosed in adulthood. I choose where I work , I have a masters degree and I work full time. That school was not suitable for me it was nothing to do with resilience or whatever bullshit people peddle.

This is so true! It is not the same as other teens who arent neurodiverse, people don't get it.

GPs can't sign off children sick like an adult at work. My GP write a note to explain my ds attending school was detrimental to his well being and I paid £30 for it. School couldn't accept it as it wasn't worded correctly. 🙄 school is an absolute minefield for neurodiverse children. Pushing children into school daily when they aren't coping is dangerously bad for their well being. No matter what your attendance person may say 🤨

The word resilience really irritated me when DS was a mainstream. The staff were understanding in someways but often spoke about resilience.
My DS is more resilient now but that’s because he goes to a school that meets his needs, he has been able to heal. As he has healed he feels more comfortable taking part in activities he wasn’t able to before. So DS is more resilient but it has happened at his own pace and with a large amount of support.