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Original poster

DD, burnt out and school attendance, WWYD?

110 replies

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 18:28

DD is 14 and has been off school for the last two days due to mental health issues. She is on the spectrum, has sensory issues and was doing well until a set of exams really threw her off, made her really poorly and she seems to be experiencing what I can only describe as burnout. I have informed the school and have asked if she can be authorised a few days absence from school to recover as her anxiety is through the roof and she is simply not mentally well enough to attend. Even if they don't authorise it I will most likely be keeping her off until next week. She has asked to spend the day out with her grandmother to go round the second hand shops (she loves this) and go for lunch and I think this will really cheer her up, only I am worried she will be spotted by someone at her school and they will think we are lying about her issues. Not really sure what to do as I have seen what forcing DD in to school when she is feeling like this can do to her, but I don't want her to have to be a prisoner at home because that isn't helping her mental health either! Her attendance is 94% and while I understand that isn't good I don't know what good would come of sending her in when she is so anxious and unhappy.

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

OP posts:

Doyouthinktheyknow · 06/06/2023 18:59

I doubt they can authorise it but you have to support your DD and her mental health is important obviously.

If some time off is what she needs for her mental health, that’s what she needs. Going back can be tougher after time off but that’s not to say your dad doesn’t need the time off. You just manage the return as best you can.

tattychicken · 06/06/2023 19:00

Keep her off, ring her in sick, do whatever she needs to regulate herself and recover.

Parenting an autistic child is very different to how you would manage an NT child in these circs. If she is is not given a chance to reset herself things will escalate and she needs to know you have her back and will listen to her. Crucial for building her trust in you which you will need in the next few years getting though GCSES.

Iamagenius · 06/06/2023 19:01

I am a teacher at the school my daughter attends. She has ADHD and is to be assessed for autism. I have let her have a couple of days off this year as she was utterly overwhelmed. Back into school the next day as she had time to recover. Absolutely do what you know is right for your child.

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cansu · 06/06/2023 19:02

Allowing days off for wandering around the shops with Gran may be lovely for her wellbeing but this can be done at the weekend or straight after school. I think you could well find that if you allow this, your daughter will soon need more well being days and you could in fact find her attendance plummets. I would be more inclined to let her have a quiet day at home to rest and then send her in the next day. She can do some home activities and read. Do not make the days off school especially entertaining.

SaveMeFromForearms · 06/06/2023 19:04

OP you're getting replies from a lot of parents of NT children, I think.

My DD is in a similar position and hasn't really been to school since February.

I decided to prioritise her staying alive over her eduction, for now. If you force it, as you know, it only makes things worse.

Original poster

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 19:04

Doyouthinktheyknow · 06/06/2023 18:59

I doubt they can authorise it but you have to support your DD and her mental health is important obviously.

Ok so what should I tell them, do you think? I've been 100% honest so far and also requested they authorise a few more days absence but you're right, I think it's unlikely they will or can. Is there such a thing as being signed off when you're school aged? I'm worried about getting in legal trouble over it, though I'm not able to find the specific attendance threshold for this council. When she had this the first time we home educated for a year, but this simply isn't an option this time.

OP posts:

dcadmamagain · 06/06/2023 19:04

I think you know when your daughter needs a time out mentally. A trip to shops is therapeutic in her case x

Changeling78 · 06/06/2023 19:07

My dd is very similar to yours, the way she gained control was through revising. It made her feel more confident and she felt prepared for the exams.

redskylight · 06/06/2023 19:07

I really feel schools should start to treat mental health issues the same way they do physical health issues, it is all such a bloody battle!

I have sympathies with your issues, but I don't think this is a valid point.

I have a child with a chronic debilitating condition. The school's base level expectation is that she attempts to struggle on regardless.

urghhh47 · 06/06/2023 19:08

You are getting some really terrible advice on this thread @Rolypops - please join facebook groups with proper experience of this - Not fine in school is one of them. I've been where you are - we now home educate as for some autistic children school just isn't the right environment and never will be. Also, you should NEVER punish a child for not being able to attend school due to mental health issues whatever their basis (this is directed at other PPs on this thread not the OP).

Discoverysnakes · 06/06/2023 19:08

I would just say she is too unwell to come in due to anxiety/mental health issues.

The worst that can happen is that they refuse to authorise it - I think most authorities you have 5 days before fines? Hopefully school will try and work with you to help her back in when she is ready.

Might also be worth ( is she isn’t already) exploring if there is any mental health support she could access in or out of school ( I appreciate this is very unlikely given where children’s mental health services are!).

CountryParsonPetal · 06/06/2023 19:10

I have first hand experience of autistic burnout with my DS. Please don't listen to the neurotypical parenting advice about forcing them in and not allowing MH days. When my son was suffering I was the parent working with the school and following their advice to make him come to school every day, it ended up in a complete mental health breakdown and never returning to school again. He's never recovered from that experience, even several years on he is a shadow of his former self.

If my experience taught me anything it was that many ASD children need a more nurturing and softly-softly approach with MH days off when needed to ensure they can continue in school. It is much better to keep your eye on the long game of keeping them in school and have the odd days off when needed to support that.

There is such a large percentage drop out rate from school for ASD children so they need a lot more support to survive the mainstream environment that is so difficult for many of them to thrive in.

GCalltheway · 06/06/2023 19:12

Op, I work with non school attendance cases. Call the GP explain the situation ( minus the granny outing) and ask for a letter to effectively sign her off school. Any child with supporting medical evidence is key - send a copy to school and keep a copy for your own records.

If your child is burnt out, of course you must prioritise this. Support her to look after herself 💐

CountryParsonPetal · 06/06/2023 19:15

Also, be honest with the school and tell them she's off with MH/Anxiety, it's helpful to start building a record to help with extra support or EHCP in the future, if required.

BungleandGeorge · 06/06/2023 19:17

Being unwell due to mental health illness (anxiety) is no different to authorising physical illness. Does she have a diagnosis of anxiety from anywhere?

NoSquirrels · 06/06/2023 19:18

I'm worried about getting in legal trouble over it, though I'm not able to find the specific attendance threshold for this council.

I think you’re worrying unnecessarily about this - 94% is not awful, and it’s late in the school year and will reset next September. You’re keeping communication with school open and that’s all you can do. I really do not think you’ll be in trouble. Focus on your DD.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/06/2023 19:20

Changeling78 · 06/06/2023 19:07

My dd is very similar to yours, the way she gained control was through revising. It made her feel more confident and she felt prepared for the exams.

How did she revise with burnout though?

Mine finds it make it worse.

Original poster

Rolypops · 06/06/2023 19:21

BungleandGeorge · 06/06/2023 19:17

Being unwell due to mental health illness (anxiety) is no different to authorising physical illness. Does she have a diagnosis of anxiety from anywhere?

Yes, by the GP.

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 06/06/2023 19:22

Respectfully to those suggesting sending her back to school - school is sensory, emotional and relational overload for an autistic youngster. Her resilience is obvious in just managing to be there most of the time. It is not a whim that she is burned out and needs a rest. She won’t become less autistic if she’s pushed back to school too soon. She’ll just get the message that she has to endure burnout with no relief. If time out and second hand shopping with her grandma is what regulates her and helps her return to her studies, go for it and don’t be guilt tripped by anyone, OP.

AxolotlEars · 06/06/2023 19:34

Listen to your daughter. If I was in this situation I would want you to listen to me and find a way of honouring the fact that I expressed how I was and my feelings. School is not often then place for anyone who was in this situation

tattychicken · 06/06/2023 19:35

Completely agree, move your post to the SEN board, a lot of people are posting with no experience of parenting an ASD child and some of the comments are v unhelpful.

namechange55465 · 06/06/2023 19:36

SpringOn · 06/06/2023 18:31

I would be really careful allowing days off like this.
Much better, imo to help her to find ways to cope and learn to be resilient.

Yes, because when you have autistic burnout you can just "find ways to cope" and if you can't it's cos you're not "resilient". Fucking hell.

MackenCheese · 06/06/2023 19:36

My DS had autistic burnout after the pandemic. It wasn't a case of keeping him off school. He literally could not get out of bed. For a year. Forcing her in will make anxiety worse. Good that you have a GP letter for anxiety. Keep a diary of when this happens, and as pp said, look at the long game. The odd few days to reset will help her.

HeidiWhole · 06/06/2023 19:38

I echo PP, please post on the SEN board here or on a forum dedicated to parenting autistic girls. Those of us with autistic DC know that 95% of the time the 'usual' parenting rules do not apply.

elliejjtiny · 06/06/2023 19:42

I have a 15 year old son who has autism. When he was 12 he took an overdose and nearly died. I understand what you are going through and I would 100% keep her off. Her mental health is more important than school attendance.

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