DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

If all he's been doing is gaming and not immersing himself in any part of uni life, whether studying or social, I would wonder if gaming is a distraction from a different issue.

I completely agree.

Not everyone is suited to go to uni and perhaps he just went along with it because he didn’t know what else to do.

I went to uni as a mature student and there is no way I would have coped going at 18 as I didn’t have the focus back then.
You just don’t appreciate it at that age.

I’ve told my DD that if she wants to go to uni then it’s worth taking a year or 2 out after college to work and have a break from studying before applying for her uni course.

I think he should get a job for a few months and decide what path he wants to go down and then I’d get him to look at apprenticeships or trainee positions instead of going back to uni to see if these suit him more.

Does he want to learn to drive?
Perhaps this could be leverage to encourage him to work.

In order to think of different ways to stimulate the brain that takes a bit of focus to sort through the noise of your own voice x 10000 shouting at you to do the 10000 different things you need to do as well as the conversations and songs and bits of films playing all at once in your brain to actually come up with different ideas that are immediately available to do. Phones and computers are there and easily accessible.

It’s like telling someone who has been wandering in the desert for weeks without water to not drink from a stream but to look around for a house to supply water from a running tap.

I was the child/student in this scenario and it was awful. I was actually severely depressed (obviously I can’t comment on if this is the case for your son) which had played into the whole thing. In my case Uni at that age just wasn’t the right thing for me. Also, I was extremely academic so had managed to just coast at school so Uni was a shock. However, it was my parents’ reactions to bad news that had made me hide it and not open up to them about how ill I was. My dad hit the roof when I left uni (he has form for that) and was horrid to me for months. My mum was supportive but pushed me to go back to uni ASAP (which also didn’t work out well although I did graduate that time). Personally, I think I would have flourished at something more practical/coursework based rather than more traditionally academic but my parents viewed that as beneath me and so I struggled on with things that made me deeply unhappy.

You know yourselves better than I do and how you’ve previously reacted to bad news etc - you may be the polar opposites of my parents and I don’t want to tar you with that brush but rather give you pause to think about whether it’s as clear cut as it may first appear. Either way, I would caution you that he may need more loving support than tough love right now. I think, as angry as you are, you need to be measured in your approach here as there is a reason he hasn’t told you what was going on. Encourage him to explore his options while working and pulling his weight at home. He has admitted there is a problem - he’s done the huge first step - and your reaction to this will help pave the way for his next steps.

Sounds like depression to me (DH and I are both university academics) this unfortunately happens more than you realise. Often they feel too much pressure/pride to admit they are struggling and they get 'stuck' and have to reach crisis point. If you live close enough, I would ask him if he would like you to attend a student support/future steps meeting to see what can be done. Perhaps he needs a different course or institution. Don't give up hope

If he has ADHD, it may be the most helpful thing she’s ever read. It is easily treatable with medication in most cases and can be life-changing. It’s also not a mental illness, it’s a neurological difference.

Tell him to get a job, any job, or join the armed forces or something. Tell him to sign on in the meantime, going to the jobcentre will be a shock to the system for him.

@Xenia totally agree with you re communication with university.

OP - There’s been a big investment of time and money - sit down figure out what’s actually happened.

Then sit with him and work out why it happened - no anger just make notes and listen.

Tbf OP probably doesn’t right at this very minute, I would be angry at this behaviour too! Just because OP is angry and maybe is not his biggest fan right this second does not mean they don’t love and support DS Jesus Christ.

And that's one for mumsnet bingo.

Yes, that kid has an addiction that has sent him into self destruction mode, just like any adult who looses his job for being an alcoholic. Your kid needs help asap, counselling or therapy. He has a serious addiction, he’s lot his job and his mom is about to kick him out of the home.

poor kid.

Have you considered that he may be neurodivergent?

Just to respond to a few points - the degree is Arts related. He actually got into the top Uni in the UK for this, 2nd top in the world! They have a low acceptance rate as well! Loads of others on his BTEC course applied but he was the only one who got in!

He insisted to go to Uni. I know what he’s like so asked him many times to reconsider as I didn’t want this situation to happen! Same with his A levels - I said it may not be right for him after stress of GCSEs (ours not his), he insisted then dropped out. We supported his change to the Arts although not happy as wanted him to build on his natural Maths and Sciences aptitude, better realistic career prospects. He passed his GCSEs in those with hardly any work but A levels were harder obviously. TBH surprised he wanted to do Art as had not shown interest prior to this!

He slept through his English GCSE resit. I got a call from college saying where is he!

He’s been coding and developing his own games since primary school.

Arts degree would have opened up working in game design/film/graphic design along with it being from top Uni!

Good point to those who said it! I hadn’t thought that he may be lying again! I will be checking this! He said he was told he couldn’t continue onto 3rd year - due to not resitting 1st year modules, hasn’t got grades for 2nd year yet, but surely resits would be in the summer as in the next few months. Little bugger!

As for support with MH/gaming, I’ve made GP appointments which he had refused to go to. Looked up stuff online for him. He’s done online ADHD/ASD tests, come up negative (my idea).

He has mates from school /college still - even they are like WTAF did you do man! Didn’t seem to build a connection with his room mates in halls though, probably because he was gaming in his bloody room all the time while they were socialising!

Think the only reason he wanted to go to halls was because he could game and stay up all night with no one getting onto him. Absolute pisstake!

I was concerned about his MH which is why I got his hall receptionist to bang on his door when he wasn’t answering phone a few hours after he told me. He was bloody asleep. Poor guy had to open his door and wake him up! Then got DH to go and bring him home straightaway. Can you believe he was gaming right up to DH getting there so hadn’t packed all his stuff! DH had been working all day!

Is this silliest post of the day? The OP obviously loves and cares about her son very much. Maybe you’ve responded to the wrong thread?

I'd get him home - have everyone clam down then sit him down and try and find out exactly what has gone on - as PP have said re-sits haven't been done yet so has he missed another deadline or failed another module.

Not having a high attendance in first year really isnt a good indicator of future success - DH a lecturer say universities he's worked for do like to drop student in second year rather than first as if affects their metrics less - they look at first year drop outs - and they get the extra years funding - which he thinks if disgusting and argues against.

After a chat I'd see if he needs to see GP - and if not agree to a plan going forward probably finding a job and think for a while about his long term plans.

He may be able to go back to university later on - and OU is very good option though study around work is hard but there are many ways froward that doesn't included university degrees.

I get the annoyance about the money - but it's spent and done now so it finding the way forward for him.

Unis might be to blame partly but there are other people and institutions telling you that it is what everyone does and anything less and is looked down upon and a minimum wage job for life awaits them

Schools that push all their children to go to university. Regardless of whether it is right for that pupil.
Parents who can’t accept that there are alternative paths to university.

Parents who won’t accept that their child doesn’t actually want to go

Everything now is turned into an academic subject where you need qualifications that have nothing to do with the actual course to get onto the course

Dd was once told to study a particular practical course at college she needed either a Geography or Religious education GCSE. She has neither as her school didn’t do those subjects and the course had absolutely nothing to do with geography or religion.

You can sometimes transfer university credits

https://thinkstudent.co.uk/a-guide-to-transferring-university-credits/

But it not well publicized or straight forward - but he'd need to change his attitude.

@FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether I'd definitely double-check the actual situation with the uni (or get him to show you the emails if possible). Arts/Design courses tend not to have exams but are assessed by handing in coursework, so I'm not sure how re-sits would work (a second chance to put the work together)? Which does mean that failing is generally a result of literally not handing anything in, rather than not studying for an exam.

Sorry to hear that he's in this situation, but as PP have mentioned, there are still routes into the gaming industry by apprenticeships etc.

Just to be clear, no design house, games producers, film studios, TV studios etc will hire on the basis of where you went to college.

Its part on merit (based on portfolio) and part who you know. If he is serious about a career in the commercial arts what he really needs is a killer portfolio, then it will be a lot of calling round, hawking himself, working for free until he gets on a team somewhere.

Once he has a foot in the door and starts to build a name then he will be able to trade on his reputation and grow his career.

I know lots designers, cinematographers, lighting designers, photographers and illustrators, it doesn't matter if they went to Central st. Martins or Croydon Tech. the way into work is much the same for most.

Still a good percentage are self taught or have gone rogue (ie done a bit of one or two courses, never graduated etc)

The commercial arts is a great career, but its tough, highly competitive, long hours and dedication - there are far more graduates that there are serious career jobs, but its not always the graduates that get the career, if that makes sense.

You have had some lovely helpful responses off most so lovely to have such support from people who genuinely want to help.

Two years of fees and maintenance is a lot to pay back OP.
Id look at apprenticeships or jobs in museums, the arts or even gaming.
Shops aswell that sell games as it seems he ll know a lot about them.
It doesn’t sound like he’s got the dedication for further education.

I wouldn’t give him any money as hell just use that to game.

Sounds like he has a proper gaming addiction OP. I wouldn't dream of pretending to know where you'd start with that.

so I'm not sure how re-sits would work (a second chance to put the work together)?

Seem to work like that when DH marks often it's capped at 40% - depends on course and university - many of the covid concession still running at his current university mean cap not in place currently.

Very frequently though they do nothing more or very little and just re-submit and fail again- I have to listen to the moaning and frustration from DH.

DH has marked his coursework bits this year and I think the second year have been given back their marks back - he had a few moans. Perhaps he's failed a first year course twice - and that the issue? worth getting to the bottom and asking a few more questions.

It wasn't taken out of context. It was literally what the poster said.

Lots of kids really struggle with self-discipline at Uni. Whether he was definitely kicked out or he walked away doesn't matter - Uni isn't the answer to what he needs right now. Most likely he's not feeling great about himself, he might have additional struggles with depression and anxiety. Looking for a job is going to be tough - being rejected is very tough at the best of times - he'll need support, maybe starting in a volunteer position might help?
The ADHD angle is an interesting one - ds has really struggled at Uni with concentrating and applying himself - we got him tested and he started on the meds recently - he said he feels normal for the first time in his memory - he's able to study, he's not racked with anxiety, he feels like the fog has lifted. Everything has fallen into place for him but his story could have easily gone the same way as your dc.
Give it a few days and observe what's going on with him before deciding how you are going to help him with the next steps in his life. Be positive, he's home and he's safe and that security is probably a big part of what he needs just now.