DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

Oh for gods sake don't use that excuse, some teens are just utterly lazy/simply don't want that path in life/don't want to have to "adult".

I went to uni with kids like yours, op. Spent the entire term's loan on just drinking and nights out in one weekend. ONE WEEKEND. Then would phone up mum sobbing for more money. One guy in the room below mine was doing a law degree but ended up just buying weed and smoking from 7am until 12am, every day. All his loan money. Dropped out.

They didn't want it enough. They didn't actually want to be there - uni was just another fun stage in life to enjoy, with money that wasn't their own that they didn't work hard to save up for. Sounds like your son has no understanding of fiscal consequences, of what it takes to earn that money. He just said he wanted to go, thinking of the party life, and never bothered to put any of the actual work in.

University was never a drive for him for actual education.

At this point, you need. To. Leave. Him. To. It.

Stop giving him money. Don't pay for anything. He needs to sort his own life out, and you doing it all for him won't work. If he wants it enough, he can get the jobs to earn the money to do it.

In the meantime, you do not pay for anything for him beyond say food, the very bare basics. His "mental health" sounds fine - he's just one of those guys that just wants to game all day, everyday, on everyone else's dime but his own. Cut that off and maybe then he'll have the drive to actually want to earn the money to game himself. He's got to pay for the online stuff/games etc somehow, and if you're doing it for him, you;re just enabling hik.

I think you need to take a step back, he's an adult. Uni isn't for everyone and plenty of people drop out and do very well in life. He now needs to find what he wants to do. Apprenticeships, entry jobs with some kind of progression, the military...? Maybe you can help him work that out but not whilst you're so angry.

Uni isn’t the right place for him. It isn’t for everyone. Get him home, help him with gaming addiction and then he can get a local job. He can pay you back for the money he wasted and get his life on track.

self organisation is my biggest fear for my DS with ADHD - I spend a lot of time trying to teach him skills. I’m not saying your DS has adhd, one can just be shit at organising yourself - and for some people those skills need to be taught. Excessive gaming is my biggest worry. So with him on board we have these rules

term time - two evenings without gaming. Holidays- he needs to have engaged with life and helped out round the house and done “real world things” before gaming.

“I want to play a game” rather join in with whatever we are doing (board games, going out etc) is never an acceptable answer.

no tech in his bedroom.

I know my child is younger, 15, but this works for him and something similar might work for you.

There is no point getting cross at your son for something he is not capable of doing.

Obviously it’s what she said doh! Maybe it’s a valid truth too! But it was also taken out of context. Do you understand what something being taken out of context means? Clearly not. Read the rest of it? It’s pretty supportive. Loads of interesting and positive contributions on here, what’s yours? Apart from your carping and nasty criticising other posters of course?

There's actually quite a lot to unpick here. The gaming addiction is massive. Plus he's too laid back, he doesn't really care, maybe even a bit entitled. Are you absolutely sure Uni is over. Door completely closed? I'd ask first. Yes Uni is not for everyone, but if you've done 2 years, is it not worth persuading him, once he's ready, to do re-sits and get year 3 just done, so at least he's got something to show for the £10+k.

Sandra1984 · Today 11:22
Yes, that kid has an addiction that has sent him into self destruction mode, just like any adult who looses his job for being an alcoholic. Your kid needs help asap, counselling or therapy. He has a serious addiction, he’s lot his job and his mom is about to kick him out of the home.

poor kid.

Er, where does the OP say she's going to kick him out? Did you read the original post?

What do you mean, what now?

You do nothing stand back and let him sort it out on his own, of course. This is all on him and if you try to help him all you're actually doing is enabling him. He's an adult now; let him crack on!

Yeah. This. Don’t pander to him. Don’t treat him like a victim. He’s really fucked up. He had an amazing opportunity and he’s totally wasted it. Life needs to get nice and hard to teach him to grow the fuck up.

You can really see the parents raising coddled little man-babies on this thread…

This is good advice. But very difficult to follow! I also had a dc get kicked out of uni after 2 years, followed by a year sitting around at home. I was SO stressed and worried about him but nothing I said or did made any difference. However eventually he turned himself around and is doing a degree apprenticeship, earning a good salary and renting his own place.

We don't dwell on his student debt or the money we gave him for rent and have reframed his time at uni as a useful experience for him!

I don't think they would have let him continue to 2nd year without fulfilling the criteria for first year. This is decided in the exam boards at the end of each academic year. And if he's failed second year modules there is still time to resit and get a pass. So something isn't adding up here. I would ask to see what he's failed and what the uni have said. Obviously if he's lying then he doesn't want to go back anyway but it it was my money he'd sunk into accommodation for the last year I would want to know what the actual situation is, he could defer for a year for example. The quicker you know the better as resits are typically august so he may need to quickly buckle down to get coursework and exams complete if it's salvageable.

I don't think they would have let him continue to 2nd year without fulfilling the criteria for first year. This is decided in the exam boards at the end of each academic year.

Depends on the university department and course - but they may have given chance to re-sit one or two courses in first year alongside second year courses.

They often have metrics looking at how many students drop out in first year - and can face questions about this - if they drop out in second it's not noticed as much - I know this as DH has this at two universities and thinks it's very wrong and warned out kids about this.

Sadly few do better with re-sits and resubmitted course work - some scrap a pass but unless there was a big reason why they failed - mental health death something big to knock off course- then tend not to improve with resists.

It is worth asking questions - getting to bottom of the exact situation - but it could be he's got marks back already - DH students have in some courses for some of the work - and hasn't passed first year course again or has failed to many second year course - but definitely worth checking it's the university decision and not him hitting panicking and giving up.

I’m a lecturer and 100% agree with this.

I think some posters are underestimating the impact of covid for the cohorts who endured 3 years of disruptions to GCSEs, A Levels and Uni. In particular, the lack of face to face teaching, peer support and collaboration that would have happened in non -covid times. My DD was diagnosed with ADHD during her final term of Uni this year. She particularly struggles with conflicting deadlines and information overload (sometimes just empties her entire inbox rather than deal with reading the information). She also nearly failed year 1 but just scraped through. It is likely she won’t graduate this summer and will graduate in the Autumn instead. It’s not ideal, but I am just happy for her that she will make it through despite her difficulties. I also believe Uni isn’t the best place for non self starters, they just expect you to get on with it and find out how it all fits together. There is support but unfortunately the people who generally need the help are exactly those who don’t / can’t ask for help. The uni won’t speak to the adult nor do they spend enough time with pupils to realise there are issues. Fortunately for my DC uni wasn’t just about a degree they wanted to experience Uni life and I feel she is better prepared for the workplace and adult life.

I am so sorry. I really worry for this generation. Student attitude seemed to be in decline before the pandemic and now it is probably even worse. My friend teaches a literature based course where students don't like reading (yikes) and she says that absenteeism is rife.

I noticed that my friend's child who is taking A levels used to get despondent and give up very quickly. The first hint of failure of any kind used to send her reeling into quiet despair. My friend and I (she responds better to an outsider than to her parents) have caught her however and tutored her. We told her that she should do her best and that what she calls "failure" is an opportunity to learn - the whole point of education - so that she is prepared for the challenge of the exams. This seems to have boosted her confidence no end and she now thinks of her mocks etc as practice rather than as an indication of how she is going to perform in the actual exam.

I wonder how much social media is conditioning these kids. They see a lot of "success stories" and because of reality shows there is a narrative out there of overnight success that is easily achieved. In the case of very talented people we only see the products of their success but not the hard work and set-backs that went into obtaining it.

Your son is confused like many young people as to what to do with his life, he's trying to figure out stuff, many of us have been there at some point, has in interest in games and coding, so why doesn't he get into IT, learn coding and continue developing games? Open his own YouTube channel and and get an extra money? I have a young friend who studied coding and found a great job in IT, now he's developing apps, why don't you push your son in that direction? I believe it's a great field nowadays with a good future.

I think his behaviour (consciously or not) is him showing that he is not happy with something.
I can totally understand your frustration as parents but is this time to step back & let him find his own way. Let him choose which job to do in the short term and hopefully he can make some decisions about a career that he wants to follow. I know that his gaming seems to be all consuming but could/should he look for a career in this field? This would prevent you having to push/motivate him to work.
I think some of the previous posts about taking his phone & not settling up his computer are counter productive. He is an adult and yes he should work to pay for these things (phone contract) but creating constant friction here is not going to be helpful. As others have said, he might be feeling unsettled or overwhelmed & so working with him might give a better outcome.

As someone that works in university appeals I can confirm that institutions generally take a dim view of retrospectively declared Extenuating Circumstances (post-results) although it might be worth appealing if there has been no engagement with assessments – why did support to study procedures not kick in?

I’m somewhat familiar with this situation as I spent two years on a Law degree at an elite Russell Group university before dropping out. Buckled under the academic pressure (there was lots of studying!) but I realise in retrospect that I simply lacked life experience aged 18/19. I picked my UCAS aged 17 - when I was a child – I would have benefitted from stacking shelves for a year.

The fact that tuition fees were £3,000 meant that it was possible to self-finance a year and rescue the situation although it still took me five years to achieve an undergraduate degree. I remember feeling particularly jaded during the final months as I’d simply outgrown the trappings of student life. The problem today is that while self-financing £3000 was (just about) doable a request to self-finance £9,000 would have prevented me from getting a degree. It took me several years to get to a stage where I felt I’d 'caught up' with my peers.

You can really see the parents raising coddled little man-babies on this thread

I often suspect that it's no coincidence that the relationships boards are often full of women miserable in relationships with men who think that coming in from work and plugging into a game all night is acceptable over speaking to their partner, not doing chores because they 'don't see mess' and are busy on their computer games, opting out of family life because he has to game etc
These men won't have suddenly become like this in their 20s/30s.

This is so like my eldest DD. She failed her first year but didn't tell us. She went back for the second year and because she had (unbeknown to us) actually not been allowed back didn't get a student loan so wasn't paying her rent beyond month 1 because she had money from her summer job. She got herself and us into so much debt. We didn't get overly mad initially as we said we would work together to sort it out. She took ages to get a job, and that's when the frustration caused some very heated arguments. After a few months she finally got a job. Has paid everyone back and is happy and has seemed to have found her vocation.

He is a wastrel who has deliberately lied to the people who have been funding hi, what's not to not like?

This us upsetting, frustrating, annoying- BUT, overall not the end of the world. He's not able for uni at the minute. Maybe in a few years.
It's a learning experience for him (and probably for you too with regards paying out £10grand for the ungrateful little sod!)
He gets a job, settles into it. Saves a few quid, learns the value of money and how hard ten grand is to earn! Then, he can decide his next steps.
For now, uni, and that particular course, isn't suitable for him.

This happened to me, i was in a terrible way at Uni..slept during the day , was up all night. For me it was food. I ate all night made myself sick , trying to deal with the stress of uni. Id just watch box sets trying to block out the mess I was creating. Knowing it was getting worse and worse and much harder to get on top of. I felt angry with myself and so ashamed. I isolated myself. when i did manage to make it class it was a horrible experience. I felt like i was under the microscope for being back in class and how far behind I was. In the end i just dropped out.

But looking back I wasn't ready. I was clever in school but needed to learn a lot of life lessons. I went back years later after saving money and put myself through it again., when I was ready and knew what i wanted to do.

All is not lost with your son. I know you are angry, but he is also angry with himself. He will be feeling utterly ashamed of himself and know fine well how disappointed you are with him. He will be feeling the lowest he ever has, and be more disappointed in himself. I recommend not showing your anger. Calmly speak to him and give him support and help him create a plan. Just little steps. His mental health is the bigger problem. Not his education.

To those suggesting gaming as a career - that's always a possibility but right now, gaming is a problem to him. I'm sure he knows how to monetise it but he hasn't. He knows how to code but he hasn't chosen that as his uni course. He needs first to learn self discipline and how to see ideas through to completion not just waste away time and other people's money and lie about failing. Once he can handle his behaviour he'll be in a better position to choose to earn from his interest in gaming.

Another one for MN bingo.