DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

Well said @nosykids and @Tippexy .

I think every single degree should have a year working or volunteering built in tbh. It's the part time jobs my dcs had that focused their minds more than their degree subject.

I think @nosykids means the mental health implications of not being assessed/diagnosed? It sounds like pretty good advice. I've certainly been there - flying through school then crashing at A levels, various failures/under achievement at higher ed and multiple jobs, later diagnosed with autism and ADHD and suddenly my life starts to make sense...

Definitely agree with the last post by @Loopstar .

It was never right that "everybody should be able to go". The idea was "everybody who is capable of going and wants to go should be able to" but kind of got lost along the way.

This year I have ONE student out of 48 who said he didn't want to go to university. My daughter is at university and knows several people who are open about the fact that they don't want to be there, hate it, and are doing it because it's what you do between the ages of 18 and 22.

I don’t think uni suits everyone and I don’t think going to uni at 18 suits everyone.

I look back and I was too young and too unfocused. I did very little work and honestly it was a bit of a waste. However it was free.
When I went back at 23 to do a masters it was totally different, I worked hard, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the social scene more.

everything in this country is geared up to leaving school and straight to uni. I don’t think it is always the right thing. ASD DD just can’t go at 18 I know it, we will have to work around it I bet to see what she can do.

Thank you for the support. I am quite angry so am stepping away from the thread now.

He doesn’t need support. He’s had support - loads of support. He needs a good kick up the hole.

OP, I work in academia and this is not uncommon, particularly amongst young men with an inflated sense of their own abilities and a big dose of entitlement. He needs to find out exactly what he has passed/failed and whether he is eligible for an exit award of some description - a certificate or diploma (it may help contribute to a future degree and is evidence of learning at L4/5 for an employer) - can he take a year out and just do the modules he failed and then go into third year the year after? Can he appeal? Does he have evidence of depression/addiction? If he is seeking support for the gaming that could be evidence for an appeal. Get him to speak to his personal tutor or year leader to get advice that’s specific to him and maybe agree a way forward. He has to do this all himself - he’s an adult and has to start acting like one. If he is able to repeat the modules he failed he also needs to get a ‘big’ part time job and commit to paying rent while he lives at home. As a year leader I witnessed almost every scenario you can think of - drugs, pregnancy, addiction to rowing (!), financial straits, domestic abuse, rape, depression, suicide attempts, etc. In almost all cases there is a way back, but he needs to get his act together now and start playing an leading role in determining his future.

@nosykids please don’t let it affect you! I get that way too on MN. Honestly, have a nice day ☕️ 🏝️ 🎈 💭 (Maybe OP stepped away for similar reasons).

OP, I work in academia and this is not uncommon, particularly amongst young men with an inflated sense of their own abilities and a big dose of entitlement

This does not sound the case here. Alarmed that you work in academia and think this is the reason he dropped out!

It’s also common for many, many other reasons, so why jump to ADHD?

He's home. He has his room and meals only provided for him.

Set rent. Tell him this covers his internet access, extras added to food shop etc. He has until July 1st before you cut off the items that are included in the rent.

You do realise that people with ADHD crave stimulation because the stimulation delivers a bit of dopamine to the right area of our brain

But why does stimulation have to come from a screen? There are endless ways to be 'stimulated'. Pretty sure ADHD existed (though not labelled in the same way) before everyone had phones and iPads and gaming PCs.

Yep. My nephew has ADD and doesn't game particularly. He is doing a masters.

I think @ShandaLear was trying to be supportive. You are taking a quote out of context so making it into something it wasn’t. Have you got anything to add by the way, or are you just here to criticise others for their helpfulness and ideas?

Maybe time for me to step away too 😆!

He isn’t a boy, he is 20 I assume ?
But anyway, I agree he needs to sort out the addiction to gaming, and to look at the reasons why he prefers to immerse himself in a fantasy world. I understand that games are designed to be addictive, but what about real life is making him want to stay alone in his room, living in a fantasy ?
He will need some specialist support I imagine, in stopping gaming. His body clock has probably been completely disrupted, he is likely to be sleeping all day, not eating properly , everything will have gone awry and he will need to completely reset, get some healthy structure back, start getting outside every day exercising.
I do think that this period in young adulthood, when the brain is still changing, can be very difficult for many people. I know I felt very lost at 20 and several young people I know had big wobbles at university. It is really common, which doesn’t make it any easier for you OP, but it is a tricky life stage for many.

He gets a job, anything will do. My first job, upon leaving uni with not a clue, was working in the admin department of the DVLA. I hated it, because I have a creative brain, and struggled with the very "procedural heavy" work. There was a process for this, process for that, and a process for only when parts A and B come together, but not part C... You get the idea.
BUT, it gave me the 6 months wiggle room I needed to decide my next steps.

Yes, it all sounds a bit weird. The uni would have been given the opportunity to re-sit the modules he failed in the first year (they usually don't count towards the final degree). If he didn't even sit some of the 2nd year modules he would still have the opportunity for a "first sit" even though it is recorded as a fail.

Are you sure there isn't another reason for him being kicked out?

Also, it sounds as though he has mental health issues. Many students do these days and I am sure that has increased since the pandemic. I agree with others that he should visit his GP. I'm not sure I buy the gaming addiction as an excuse for his uni failure.

Huge sympathies and support OP. I imagine everyone in the household is feeling angry and disappointed at the moment.

If it makes you feel any better, I know a young man who kept up the deception until his parents had booked their travel to attend his graduation!

Sounds like you are handling it well. He needs a job, any job, to pay his keep. Gaming needs to stop completely for now.

I promise you that in the long term he will be ok. He's young and been immature and stupid, both conditions can be cured by time and experience.

How is his mental health? Is he happy? Id not be too concerned if the fail was due to him partying and enjoying a good social life but I think aside from practical loss of all that money I'd be mainly concerned that he was struggling mentally. A gaming addiction is a real addiction. I'd be very worried about that.

Yep. And if anyone can tell me how universities are supposed to know "from the outset" (as one poster claimed) that students are unsuitable for the course, I'd be very interested to know. Given that an ever-increasing number of students are getting top A-level grades (the OP's son will, I assume, be part of that cohort which received teacher awarded grades; that year group has been a nightmare in terms of attendance and engagement as they received inflated grades for A level for doing very little) and their teachers write them references which, in some cases, might be best described as outright lies.

Poor lad sounds unwell. I had a friend in the same situation at uni who took his own life. Give him a huge cuddle, take away the PC but encourage him to talk. Yes, he’s fucked up, but he also needs support and guidance right now.

I wouldn’t like him very much either.

I wish more parents and students believed this.

He needs to get a job and payrent. That's for his self worth and purpose. I'd encourage him to sell any games consoles and to get some therapy ideally addiction specific. Let him figure out the long term when he's ready