DS kicked out of Uni after 2nd year - what now?

[FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether]

Totally furious but trying to keep my cool although he is well aware of how disappointed we are in him!

He rang me yesterday after being told apparently that morning, Has been pretending all fine for a while. I even sent him a massive treat parcel thinking he was cramming to finish his project last week!

Apparently he was supposed to resit modules from his 1st year but he hadn’t even done that (he never told us and lied that he’d passed it all), in addition to not completing all his modules this year and only 40% attendance (that’s what he said but probably lower than that!).

DH went to pick him up from his halls tonight and get all his stuff so back at home now with student overdraft maxed out (£1500) and not a penny to his name.

He lived at home in first year and we hoped moving into halls might make him grow up and sort his shit out. Bloody waste of £10k on accommodation!

He didn’t get a part time job at all this year despite promising he would get a job as going into halls as we couldn’t afford to give him extra money but been giving him regular money to buy groceries (maintenance loan covered accommodation and a few hundred a month left over).

So not working or doing his actual Uni work!

He had crap attendance last year as well and I was shocked that he got onto 2nd year. I did tell him last summer to withdraw, take a year out, work and either continue or start again when he’s ready but he insisted he’d work this time.

Uni is out now as won’t get funding for another 3 years and Uni has said he’d have to repeat Yr1.

He didn’t work last year either and has only held part time jobs for a few weeks at a time since leaving school.

He has a extended BTEC in an area which will not directly lead to a job and As and A*s in his GCSEs in Maths and Sciences (he actually ditched his A levels in Maths and 2 Sciences to do the BTEC so has already had an extra year in college), but D in English and didn’t resit it.

Uni course would have given him lots of options in career.

Cannot convey how angry I am at him (and sorry for him) but logically know it’s not the end of the world, glad he’s safely back home and he still has time to turn it around.

I’ve told him he’s got two weeks to get a job or ……….. what? I don’t know as can’t kick him out! His PC is not being set up at home. I’m surprised DH hasn’t taken a hammer to it tonight.

He’s highly intelligent but extremely lazy with a gaming addiction which he has now admitted after many years of arguing about and denying. No drugs, rarely drinks, in the main a good, caring lad but just wants to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day.

What to do?

I think some posters are underestimating the impact of covid for the cohorts who endured 3 years of disruptions to GCSEs, A Levels and Uni. In particular, the lack of face to face teaching, peer support and collaboration that would have happened in non -covid times

This was my first thought as well. A lot of students at uni now are effectively at the sixth form stage as they missed out on a proper sixth form experience. How quickly MNers forget!

First thing is to make sure that he really can't finish the course. I would say that is a priority. Even if he doesn't like it that much. Better to have a degree than no degree. If he really is being thrown out, are there any other options like getting a certificate of higher education - something he can potentially take to another course as partial credit once he's grown up a bit and worked out what he wants to do.

Second thing is he gets a job and earns his keep.

As for a gaming addiction, I suspect a large number of late teen and early 20 something lads are addicted to gaming.

A very sensible post and so true.
Covid had a massive impact on kids at school. College, uni etc.
It effected a load of kids and are lot are still struggling.

What utter crap

Yes. Cliché, I know, but you need to be kind, @FeelingAtTheEndOfMyTether, even if you're not feeling it. A lot of people on this thread aren't being kind at all. As a couple of other people have said (I've not read all the posts), people of your DS's age have had a lot to contend with, Covid is a factor which should not be ignored. These have not been normal times and it is perhaps unfair to expect "normal" behaviour from young adults who have had the misfortune to experience education differently from others who did not have Covid affecting their education.

I know a few teenage boys whose success in education has been ruined by gaming .
I have two teenage sons it worries me .
Give him kindness and love and sympathy but turn the Internet off at night untill he sorts himself out
He will thiank you in the end
I am certain

Uni SL here. Has he been asked to leave due to attendance? We have not started the reassessment period yet. Can you have a look at his transcripts (accessible after board) and see if this is salvageable. Uni may not be the best thing for your son but if he can complete year two he should be able to leave with a Diploma which may allow APEL (transfer of credits to another course) if this helps him at a later point. I am unclear why he was progressed to year two before completing year one. Can you request a meeting with his HoD? Your son will have to request this initially but it may give a better picture of what has happened here.

Gaming addiction centre: www.cnwl.nhs.uk/national-centre-gaming-disorders

Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD to me

Hope you managed to get through to the uni and get some straight answers about whether he's still enrolled there or not.

How's he been since coming home?

Tough love.

Take away the PC you [provided. He won't get it back.

Now he has to get a job (any job; shelf stacking) . His wages will be spent partly on repaying his debt and partly paying you for his keep.

Sounds like he should never have gone to uni - it's not for everyone. He needs lots of love and forgiveness right now and help to get back on track. He won't need to pay his student loan back right away.

I feel your pain. I am there with you - my son is the same and I don’t know what to do. I am often at the end of my tether!

You need to contact the uni and ask for all the details of him being chucked out.

You need to contact the uni and ask for all the details of him being chucked out.
He's an adult, not a child. I'd be surprised if universities are willing to spend their time on the phone to parents of adults who haven't engaged with their studies.

turn the wi-fi off until he gets his life sorted. If he needs it to find a job or whatever allocate half an hour each day, give him the time that will be. no ifs or buts. Tell him to find a work experience in gaming or similar. Or find him one yrself. Just contact companies who he plays games of etc.

Trust me its the way forward. i repeat. turn the wifi off!! (we had similar issues on starting secondary school)

Unless there is underlined issues as mental Heath I would be telling him he had 24 hours to get himself to job centre and get a job . I would not give him a penny until he found a job . Sorry but that is piss taking , he could have owned up to his mistakes last year instead he made you waste thousands and has thousands in debt ( I’m assuming he had a student loan too ) .

I think your DS may have needed a year out to mature a bit: he was not ready enough for the hard graft that is university these days. Please be kind to him and try to see 'it' from his point of view - things have obviously got on top of him, study was difficult and he turned to gaming - which most young men do these days so it is not unusual - which could give him the chance of a job - really - in the future. I think your DS needs time out - perhaps specify that you will give him six months for him to sort himself out and to think about what he might like to do and perhaps he could go travelling and get jobs while he is away. I speak as someone who lost her son in his 3rd year at university to suicide because of one set of bad exams when he had been brilliant up to then - just be grateful that he is still with you: so many young men take their lives whilst under stress of university. He needs you now and your help and advice and love - even if he is difficult...

Have a look at YGAM association, for addiction. They give great support

Has she ‘bothered’
A/ plain nasty wording
B/ not necessarily MH problems

I'm in my late 30s and have just started uni. As they say, youth is wasted on the young and I wasted my 20s doing the bare minimum and scraping through. I fully suspect he will regret his actions in years to come. I wish I'd listened to my parents. Be supportive but firm. Help him find his way but without pushing him away. Parenting is such a challenge and I totally get your frustration. Mine are still in primary so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. He definitely needs a job. He had amazing grades though! Hope it all goes well.

If its any consolation that story could be my story without the gaming bit. University is my for everyone. I went because my mum and dad thought I should and I didn't get on with it. I liked bits of it but I was too immature and would have been better working. I lied saying I passed my first year when I had to repeat it and ended up crashing out at the end of year 2. Was awful. My mum was very cross but was also very kind. They said I needed to get a job and I got a very low paid one. But working was better for me. I ended up in HR. Did my qualifications through work and I am now an executive director of HR earning 6 figures. An apprenticeship would have been better for me but they didn't have those types back then but they do now. Maybe have a look. Good luck, but you're right it's not the end of the world.

Hope this is helpful, OP.
You could be me and my son could be yours. It’s almost exactly the same story. My son came home dreadfully thin, but claimed everything was fine. It wasn’t. He dropped out with a year to go. As he was so thin, we weren’t sure whether there was a physical cause. It was some kind of breakdown. As far as we know, addiction wasn’t an issue. At the time ( last summer) I couldn’t see a way out.
Not saying that we did everything right, far from it.
I totally get the anger/ upset and worry you are feeling. I remember going out alone for long walks just to avoid blowing my top at my son.
Not saying that we did everything right, by any stretch. I certainly said a few things I regret now.

Some of the things we did….

Even when he was looking ill, we wanted him to walk the dogs. Got him out of bed, gave him exercise and fresh air.
obviously, I tried to feed him up.
We got him to think of a plan B. Don’t want to say what it is, as it would potentially out us. We suggested things he could do to work towards it.
Encouraged him to access MH services.
Told him to get voluntary work ( once health improved). At least he has no gaps in employment and has a reference. It led to paid work, crap work but paid.
Most of his crap salary is paying for uni accommodation.
Talk about plans for the future when it crops up naturally and you can be calm
One of the few advantages of him having a poorly paid job, is that he sees how dismal the pay is for people paying all bills, bringing up children etc. It is also a very difficult and demanding job, involving being hit etc,
I haven’t asked him this, but I often think it….was uni really that bad when compared with the real world?
One thing he has said about Covid…… he thought he didn’t like uni because of the online learning. He thinks without Covid, he would have realised that it wasn’t for him earlier on. Let’s face it, uni isn’t for everyone and that doesn’t make you less of a person.
I can see a way out of it now and I hope you can soon too. I hope this helps.

My son quit uni just before third year exams. Did ok (I believe) in the first two years then something happened in year three. Not sure what but he came home for a visit and never went back. Now has £33,000 in debt and no degree. However, he did an apprenticeship and is now qualified. He just went to uni because his friends did and he did very well at A-Level but self discipline is just not him. They don’t understand how different school and uni are. My suggestion for your boy would be to find something like an apprenticeship and earn while he learns.

Sorry to hear that - have you looked at ADHD, ASD?
I’m in my 50’s and only just getting grips with it - it explains so much in my life…

Honestly I'd take his gaming device off him. Tell him to go and het a job, any job.