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Original poster

How do single parents do it?

91 replies

babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:08

I'm not a single parent, but I am the primary caregiver, "housewife" (by that I mean I predominantly cook for DC and I and do the cleaning), and am trying to become the breadwinner. I thought to myself earlier "I bet very few people are putting it themselves in this position" and then realised that single parents are all three and manage to cope, whereas I'm overwhelmed constantly. So if you're a single parent, how do you (moreso mentally) cope with the load?

OP posts:
MumsPett · 01/06/2023 13:11

I’m a single parent to 4 father doesn’t bother with them and never had them overnight pays no maintenance I have no family help either, I cope because I have no choice but to. Oldest two are autistic which makes things harder especially never getting any time off.

ForestofBears · 01/06/2023 13:12

You just muddle through it as best you can because there’s no choice really. I am absolutely exhausted and frequently overwhelmed, but have to get on with it in disorganised chaos and try and make the best of it for the children.

VisionsOfSplendour · 01/06/2023 13:13

I'm a single parent and maybe this is obvious but I just get on with it. What specifically are you struggling with?

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Original poster
babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:16

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 13:11

I’m a single parent to 4 father doesn’t bother with them and never had them overnight pays no maintenance I have no family help either, I cope because I have no choice but to. Oldest two are autistic which makes things harder especially never getting any time off.

So much respect. Here's me feeling like this with 1 (albeit high needs) child and you have 4, 2 with additional needs. Wow.

OP posts:
datingdilema1 · 01/06/2023 13:16

As everyone said above. I’ve had to lower my standards and massively prioritise. Also trying to give kids chores and independence eg can load dishwasher, make their own breakfast. Working condensed hrs helps. Having friends who take kids for play dates helps. Doing shopping etc when they are at activities. Fitting laundry around working hrs and working from home. But it’s hard and tiring

orangeclubsarebest · 01/06/2023 13:17

I actually find it much easier now. Because I have no expectations of the other parent, I know it's all on me and that's much easier for me to cope with. I have 3dcs (one with SEN) and a dog, I work 25 hours per week but sometimes more.

I have a good routine and even though I am always busy I feel a lot happier. I'm constantly driving dcs about, doing this and that but I'm a lot less frustrated about the lack of help from the other parent as he's not here.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 01/06/2023 13:18

You just deal with it, there's literally no other option.

Thankfully you do have someone to share the mental and physical load of the kids/house with.

christmastreefarm · 01/06/2023 13:19

I found it easier when I became a single parent - ex was a lazy messy shit so I had less work to do.

febrezeme · 01/06/2023 13:21

I'm a single parent to 6 yr old and 2 yr old twins. Work full time in high pressured job

It's relentless and I'm knackered and have zero spare money but as previous poster said I just get on with it. There is no other choice. You'll be surprised when you've got no other choice but to put your big girl pants on and just crack on what you are capable of.

Yeah standards are a bit lower I suppose but all my energy goes into the kids and my job. If there is anything left for me at the end of week I'm lucky and I take that as a win

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 13:21

babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:16

So much respect. Here's me feeling like this with 1 (albeit high needs) child and you have 4, 2 with additional needs. Wow.

Show quote history

The hardest part for me is not getting time to myself and not having a break I know people say when the kids are in school but that’s not the case for me as one is unable to attend school and has been home educated for a year now so haven’t had even a second without them, but most single mums do get breaks which definitely makes things easier I wish I could say I don’t resent my ex but I do very much.

Danikm151 · 01/06/2023 13:24

You just make do.
take a day of annual leave to give the house a deep clean. Get good childcare in place.

It’s tiring and stressful but my son doesn’t know that. We’re happy overall

Original poster
babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:26

VisionsOfSplendour · 01/06/2023 13:13

I'm a single parent and maybe this is obvious but I just get on with it. What specifically are you struggling with?

Never having any time to prioritise myself (I don't mean luxuries like getting my nails done, I mean looking after my own health). I'm either looking after DC or I'm working or I'm shopping/cooking/cleaning if DH is about. I don't think I've had a moment of being able to sit "in peace", as in just feeling momentarily carefree and relaxed, since DC was born. If I were to have a sit down without DC then my mind is constantly thinking about everything I have to do and I feel lazy/guilty/etc. I knew becoming a parent was going to be a massive life shift but I never anticipated feeling quite this suffocated by responsibility.

OP posts:
Zippedydoo123 · 01/06/2023 13:29

Once the more demanding early years were over ie after say the age of 12 things are considerably easier. I only have one child anyway. I also work at home and that has always helped. It is tiring though and although ds is now 18 I had him age 41 so I am now 59! The joys of 10 years p erimenopausal symptoms did not help matters either until age 56 when the monthly curse finally vamoosed!

peachespeachespeaches · 01/06/2023 13:29

You just do, there isn't any other option.

Original poster
babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:30

febrezeme · 01/06/2023 13:21

I'm a single parent to 6 yr old and 2 yr old twins. Work full time in high pressured job

It's relentless and I'm knackered and have zero spare money but as previous poster said I just get on with it. There is no other choice. You'll be surprised when you've got no other choice but to put your big girl pants on and just crack on what you are capable of.

Yeah standards are a bit lower I suppose but all my energy goes into the kids and my job. If there is anything left for me at the end of week I'm lucky and I take that as a win

This is what I do, as in I am just cracking on with it and am doing it all for the future I envisaged (a happy DC and a provided for family). I just didn't make the connection initially that this is default life for all single parents rather than by choosing like I am, so I both wanted to acknowledge the respect for that and seek any words of wisdom.

OP posts:
Zippedydoo123 · 01/06/2023 13:30

It makes us all much stronger emotionally as a person though. That is definitely a bonus.

SmileyClare · 01/06/2023 13:31

Why are you “putting yourself in the position of being housewife, primary care giver and the breadwinner (like a single parent)? if you don’t mind me asking?

Is your partner unwell?

misssunshine4040 · 01/06/2023 13:31

You don't have a choice but to manage and cope. That's the reality

Malarandras · 01/06/2023 13:34

I’m a lone parent as their dad is dead. I survive with lots of family support, working part-time and using a lot of my widow’s pension to get the kids taken to from school straight from the house. I feel overwhelmed at times still, when I do I just focus on doing one thing at a time. As the kids get older it helps definitely. I also prioritise: lunch for school is a priority, school fundraising activities aren’t. Ironing isn’t on my radar. There’s only so many hours in the day. Accept the things you can’t do and forget them.

SmileyClare · 01/06/2023 13:35

I don’t know your situation but I think it’s a little insulting to single parents to say you feel like one!

Ive heard friends say this when their partner is either away for work or simply not doing their share of housework. It’s not the same at all.

nachotemple · 01/06/2023 13:35

fully LP here with no local family support. I was really ill from exhaustion and stress and various other health issues (hair fell out, autoimmune issues linked to the stress, chronic fatigue and lots of other unpleasant stuff) until my son went to school / was around age 7. So it's possible, damned hard work but your health and mental health take a real beating from it. Only now my son is 10 that I feel like somewhat of a human again!! And even now it's still difficult.

IHeartGeneHunt · 01/06/2023 13:36

My daughter's father has never seen her or paid a penny, and I don't have family in this country, it's just me. She goes to nursery 3 days so I can go to work, I'm going to start 5 days in September when she's at school. Some days I'm so tired I go to bed the same time she does.
The flat is as clean and tidy as I can get it/be bothered with. The rest I deal with as it comes.

Kidsarenotalright · 01/06/2023 13:37

I am a single parent to DD4 and it is tough. I also work full time. The thing that ensures each day runs smoothly is routine routine routine.

We have the SAME routine every morning and every evening after I pick her up from school

I am lucky to WFH 2 days a week so use the mornings and lunch breaks to pop on the washing and hang up. I do a daily mini clean each day so that it's not so onerous in the weekends.

Weekends are now spent ferrying around little one to her play dates and various parties but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Routine is your friend when you're a single parent.

BritInAus · 01/06/2023 13:40

I'm not a single parent now but I have been. It's a lot. And as per PP, you just get on with it. I'm sure it's not meant in a bad way, but comments such as 'I don't know how you do it' used to annoy me. It's not like there's any choice. And yes - agree with PP - when people who are not single parents say they feel like one when their partner is working long hours / away. Not the same.

Original poster
babylon88 · 01/06/2023 13:40

SmileyClare · 01/06/2023 13:31

Why are you “putting yourself in the position of being housewife, primary care giver and the breadwinner (like a single parent)? if you don’t mind me asking?

Is your partner unwell?

Primary caregiver because DH works a lot as well as studying to ensure we have a bare minimum backup plan, and DC is high needs/has some health issues so relies on me to meet basic needs.

Housewife because although DH will wash up and empty the bins, he doesn't notice/isn't bothered by the cleanliness of the house even if I point it out. He also doesn't batch cook meals like I do for DC and I, he literally eats meat and rice/potato or things we can't eat due to allergies.

Breadwinner because I have the capability with a particular skill/in a particular industry to put us in a position whereby DH doesn't need to work or only part time and we can pay the mortgage off and have security, not have to worry about money, etc. But only with enough time and effort invested.

OP posts: