How do single parents do it?

[babylon88]

I'm not a single parent, but I am the primary caregiver, "housewife" (by that I mean I predominantly cook for DC and I and do the cleaning), and am trying to become the breadwinner. I thought to myself earlier "I bet very few people are putting it themselves in this position" and then realised that single parents are all three and manage to cope, whereas I'm overwhelmed constantly. So if you're a single parent, how do you (moreso mentally) cope with the load?

I used to sometimes spend 40 quid and put my child is nursery on my day off. I was so knackered

Yes that's true. I think being young helped me as I had lots of energy for the baby and toddler years (was just 18 when I had him and could cope on little sleep!) I've always had good physical and mental health, and was lucky to have an easy child, even now as a teen he doesn't give me much drama. And of course just having one child.

Only one parent can walk away and opt out. The one left behind has to get on with it. It's difficult being the one who has to be and do everything.

I have always had maintenance - minimum he has to pay. So that has been helpful. Practical help isn't available. Contact is on their terms, and not frequent.

I have a mini breakdown every few years, and end up with a few months of work. And am medicated.

Having 2 children (one is autistic) and high needs, trying to keep a roof over our heads, and keep working is very difficult.

There have been some lovely times, cheap holidays with friends, days out etc and fun times. The teen years have been very hard!

Gosh, I never had an issue with this. Especially with such a small age gap, I read to kids we snuggle up on my daughters bed and then take each to their beds and give them a kiss goodnight, lights off and I go downstairs.

I moved in with my parents initially for two weeks and I'm still here 4 months later!! When I move back to my flat I intend to get cleaner, declutter massively, batch cook and/or live off healthy ready meals for me (baby still on milk only) and try and go to bed early /as soon as baby is sleeping, I will also say yes please to anyone who offers to help!

I’m not on anti anxiety meds either. I also probably clean less than my couples up friends e.g. I don’t iron and I know some of my married friends do.
our house is not as clean as some of my married friends houses but I also try and keep it clutter free and just do what I can. I don’t have enough money for a cleaner but have a babysitter so can go out from time to time.

much easier being a single mum than being miserable in a bad relationship
what helps me is putting everything into a phone calendar including photos of appointment letters, invites, tickets so it’s all there and I don’t have to remember anything. Setting reminders and notifications on the phone to decrease mental load.

It gets easier as they get older. I can leave mine for an hour or so to pop to the shop/the gym/a walk. That has made a huge difference

I also found it easier dealing with the mental load as I only had my own shit to remember and deal with so I know whether it's done or not, with no thinking he's dealt with it and then realising he forgot or couldn't be arsed.
I know the kids routines inside out and we are like a military operation re PE/gymnastics/karate/dance lessons etc. I know whether school trips are sorted and when/where they're going and what they need.

As my mother would say, "you just do".

I've been raising/ raised 5 kids (two are under 16, three are adults) essentially by myself. Their father only steps up if the boys insist. My 15yo stays once a week at his father's place so he can do volunteer work. Otherwise he does very little for them.

Honestly the house is semi tidy. Everyone takes turns loading and unloading the dishwasher, alternate bathroom cleaning and do their own laundry. I usually clean the kitchen but I get the boys to vacuum and tidy common areas on Mondays. It was definitely harder when they were little and their father was a burden more than a help.

I ask myself this on a regular basis. I have 2 preschoolers, each have simultaneous bed time routines which last between 60-90 mins. How could one parent do that without one of the 2 kids being up til 10pm?!

I wouldn't ever have let bedtime routine be that long! Half an hour maximum in my house for brushing teeth and a story.

@Beezknees that would be amazing!

I didn't really have a choice I suppose. When you're a single parent it really is like running a military operation 😂 thankfully we are in the teenage years now so the physical load is less but the mental load is more!

It can still be overwhelming. But we adjust and adapt. It's normal to me because I've never had any help. Abusive controlling family, abusive controlling ex, no contact with either. So I'm usually pretty grateful for the peace and freedom. I have moments now and then I get angry or outraged that I'm in this position, but not very often. I've been in a 'do what I have to do' mode for years. My kids rise to the expectation and don't give me any crap, hardly ever. I feel like we have a better relationship with each other because of how they're raised. The only part that's really difficult is the finances. It's completely up to me. Raising kids, making money and managing a home is way too much for any one person no matter how you do it. It makes me so upset when I see SAHMs saying "I might as well be a single mother" because their spouse works but doesn't help them with anything. If they only knew!

It only takes me a few minutes. Even with my toddler. What are you doing for over an hour?

@junbean trying to get them to wind down mostly. Neither of them are sleepy til 9pm & we go upstairs with both of them at 8pm. Potty training for the older one (who will sit for ages to get their potty reward!). Stories.

Neither of them can be left to their own devices - the older one won't stay in her room until sleepy and the younger one can scream herself sick.