How do single parents do it?

[babylon88]

I'm not a single parent, but I am the primary caregiver, "housewife" (by that I mean I predominantly cook for DC and I and do the cleaning), and am trying to become the breadwinner. I thought to myself earlier "I bet very few people are putting it themselves in this position" and then realised that single parents are all three and manage to cope, whereas I'm overwhelmed constantly. So if you're a single parent, how do you (moreso mentally) cope with the load?

I have eow free when dc see their dad so better off than many. Agree you just do less. Less housework. Lower standards. Fewer outings. You live a smaller life. In your shoes as you have support you should make time for yourself even if that means stuff gets left. Often it’s not essential anyway. I go away and visit friends and family a few times a year. Do yoga. Go to cinema alone to watch crappy chick flicks. Not everyone gets free time but mentally it helps to take time out. Women in couples are often bad at taking time for themselves even when their partners have time consuming hobbies. I have friends who won’t do anything without their partner or dc. They often seem like they’ve become massively deskilled eg won’t drive or go anywhere solo. Friends who travelled the world in their 20’s now tell me how ‘brave’ I am to take my dc camping or abroad. Being a single parent has made me regain confidence I lost in a couple. The worst things are fixing stuff when it breaks - everything falls on you - and being ill / exhausted. But there are lots of positives too of not having to bend to anyone else’s ideas or clean up their mess. My dc are late teens / 20’s and are always coming home from uni so I can’t have done too bad a job. I think they are more resilient in many ways than children who have had more comfortable life.

As others have said, you get on with it as there isn’t a choice. There are positives like being able to bring them up as you want with no one interfering or making things difficult. What is hard is making the big decisions without having anyone to discuss it with who cares as much about the children as you do - like schooling etc. But it’s rewarding when they turn out okay and you know you’ve done a good job!

I'm not on anxiety tablets and never have been.

Nor me and my dd's are now adults.

I'm not on anti anxiety tablets either. My DD is a teenager now which means it's a lot easier. But I remember the days when it felt I was literally running everywhere. It was relentless but still so much better being a single mum than living with a partner who didn't pull their weight.

The worst times were when DD was small and I had no family help, so my social life ground to a halt. I remember wishing ex would do EOW but due to shift work he never did. It'd be weeks before he'd have her. Anyway... no need to worry about that any more.

We're a tight knit team in a house that's maybe not as clean as it could be but we're happy.

I also think it’s probably slightly more
manageable if you just have one DC ( although possibly more entertaining needed). The thing I find really hard is having two with different demands, likes, even activities and only one of me.

It's hard. Single working parent to 2 DC. I'm currently running on empty abd in 5 plus years of doing this haven't struggled this much before. I've had illness after illness and I'm exhausted. I'm working, feeding washing clothing and loving the kids,and going to bed. House is a tip by my already lowered standards.

Yes, OP, it’s hard. I was widowed with a baby and a toddler, and worked as a hospital doctor. No family support - the nearest relatives were 240 miles away and also working full time.
I had one weekend away from the kids in 18 years. Life revolved around work and chores. There was no internet in those days either - every item of food, toys, or clothing required a 20 mile round trip to the nearest shops. You just put one foot in front of the other, forget having a life, and keep going.
But I managed to give my DDs the life my DH would have wanted for them, and I am v proud of the results.

One thing I would like to understand is how single parents manage multiple DC bedtimes. I have 2DC, 1 & 3 yrs old. Both go upstairs at the same time - I put one down and DH takes the other one. The 3 yr old will be asleep by 9:30pm if we are lucky. 1 yr old will be asleep by 8:45pm if we are lucky.

If I were on my own, how could I deal with simultaneous bed times?!

@Q2C4 my dc are 18 months apart so would have been 1 and 3 at some point. We'd do the bedtime routine, books etc. Put 3yr old to bed, give kiss and cuddle. He'd have his yoto/bedtime music playing. Id tell him I was putting dc2 to bed and would be back soon. Go to other room, bf dc2, who went to sleep quite easily. Back to dc1, if still awake another night night.

Tbh I put a LOT of effort into bedtimes. It helped a lot.

I had a good bedtime routine when mine were small. It just ran like clockwork (mostly). Bathed them together then let older one watch TV while I put baby down, then did stories and tucked oldest down. Then darted out of his room in time to put the kettle on and watch Corrie! That was my time before it all started up again the next day.

Sounds mad…but I find the mental load easier now I’m a single parent.
I work and have 3 young DCs, but knowing there’s no one else to pick up the slack or do any of the shit jobs for me makes it easier for me to just crack on and get them done. Having to organise DCs childcare, clubs, appointments etc is easier on my own because I don’t have to liaise with exH and work things around his schedule as well as my own. (He’s the epitome of the “weekend Disney dad” who gets to have all the fun time with them without any of the practical, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting young DCs 🙄👍🏻 he’s done maybe 4 school runs in their whole life, and they were because I had just given birth).
When we were still together, I’d find myself feeling super resentful and really struggled with the mental load, because I categorically should not have been carrying all of it on my own 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was his house, and his DCs as well as mine, so he should have taken on some of the mental load, but he didn’t. And that made it all seem so much harder.

I felt like this when we had 2 young children and both worked demanding jobs and DH had a lot of hobbies. Then he died, so now it really is just me and if I don’t do it no one else will.

I was a single parent for years from when my children were very young. I found it easier than being with their father because he didn't do anything in the house and very very little with the children when we were together. Whilst the lack of money was hard it was also somewhat easier because I was able to make all the financial decisions. I don't remember being knackered but that's probably because I just had to get on with it.

It’s honestly easier than dealing with a deadweight partner which is what I had previously. So I guess everything is relative.
I like having the autonomy of parenting and also a super close relationship with the DC. Wish the father did more but ….what you going to do?

@IHeartGeneHunt I do that too - go to bed when the kids do. Usually on a Sunday night. I work around school hours Tues-Thurs, but cram in all the other work over weekends when they go to their dad. On a Friday I do 9-3, pick the kids up from after school club at 3:30, deliver them to their dad, back to work by 4:30pm and usually finish around 1:30/2am. Back in at 11am-3pm, home for a quick nap and some food, back in at 7pm until 1:30/2am. And then sometimes I’ll work the Sunday lunchtime and pick the DCs up on my way home. I’m exhausted at the end of a weekend and an 8pm bed time is necessary!

I was asingle mum and worked full time. My DS was easy we're both chilled out. If I didn't have time to do the washing up it wasn't done. I think people stress too much about mundane things
DS and I were a team and helped each other. We best friends now he's grown up.
I dont get the mental load thing. As long as the essentials were done like paying the bills the other stuff didn't matter. I was a ward nurse and then a ward sister. I was young in my 20's and had a lot of energy then.

Single parent to one and bloody love it. We have a great dynamic and are a real team. I get to decide how things work in the house, how much I clean etc etc depending on mood, energy levels etc. I personally couldn't imagine having another adult in the house but I realise everyone is different. We often do stuff spontaneously and last minute as I never have to consider anyone else's plans eg last minute holidays.

This was hard. There is 3 years between my children. It was hard when DH went out at bedtime to put them both to bed. I was at work at bedtime 2 or 3 times a week and he used to just let DC1 stay up much later than ideal because DC2 took ages to go to sleep and someone had to be sitting next to her. When it was only me, they both slept in my bed for a while (they were 6 and 10 when he died), then DC1 started taking herself to bed because it was basically impossible to put them both to bed at the same time.

I've been a lone parent since 2005. They're adults (just) now.
I'm a shell. A wizened husk!
No social life (for years), no money. Metal health non existent.

I should say absolutely zero help or financial support from their father or his (or my) family.

That would have helped.

Not sure why people are taking offence at OP and being so snarky. They’re the rude ones! Jeez. The OP asked a thoughtful question.

As others have said, single parenting is easier than living with a shit husband. It removed all of the resentment from my daily life and I quite like being in charge of everything - after previously not being “allowed” to have a say.

I’m out at work around ten hours every weekday (teacher) and have a day, or half a day, of work to do at weekends.

Two children (one SEN), and zero input from their Dad as he moved abroad.

@Frith2013 I hear you. I think it was hard for me in many different ways, though I developed significant (unrecognised) physical health problems as well. There were some good times but a lot of strain and pressure and trauma even. I was very vulnerable really - but had to be strong, a difficult combination. I think if you have a supportive family to pitch in it could be enormously helpful (I didn’t).

It helps also if you have very good health and very easy children!