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Original poster

At what household income would you become a SAHP?

344 replies

AlenaMacc · 25/05/2023 21:54

Just curious really.
I am aware that many people don’t want to be SAHPs for reasons other than money, but in this case I am asking purely about the financial aspect.
What would the household income need to be for you personally so that either you or your spouse would become a SAHP in order to improve the family quality of life etc?

OP posts:
TheMoops · 27/05/2023 09:49

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 09:39

@TheMoops

I was told by a school mum (who mistakenly presumed I was also a sahm) at an event for encouraging parents to become engaged with their child's education, that they were targeting the wrong people.

After all we had already shown we were willing to put our children first and do the right thing by them by making sure we were always there for them by giving up work.

Jesus.

I honestly couldn't care what choices families make. I assume they've made the decisions that are right for their circumstances.

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 09:51

@AlenaMacc

1 no you weren't. The number of sahd is miniscule. Something like 2% of sahps are male. And that still doesn't answer why it is even a question and not what would it take to get a sahp to work

2 is a different question to your op. I also don't think its that common for business owners to want to retire during child bearing/rearing ages

Is there a reason you're not answering your own op?

PinkDaffodil2 · 27/05/2023 09:55

If DH were earning 250k ish I think I’d seriously consider quitting, or just working a few half days per week in school hours. It would have to be really secure as it would be difficult for me to get back into work after more than a year out (GP).
However he’s currently on 70k so no need to worry about that for a while!
If general practice gets any worse though my threshold might change to 120-150k, I’ve only been qualified a year so want to give it a chance. I’ve a sinking feeling lots of GPs who are fortunate enough to have well paid spouses are thinking similar.

TheMoops · 27/05/2023 09:57

What would the household income need to be for you personally so that either you or your spouse would become a SAHP in order to improve the family quality of life etc?

This was your question OP which seems to assume that having a SAHP will improve a family's quality of life.

And in the UK were are invariably talking about SAHMs as the the number of men staying at home to care for children is incredibly low.

BaconAndAvocado · 27/05/2023 09:58

We went down to one salary when DH was earning £70K.
It was sometimes tough financially but, for us, worth it.
I now work PT and he earns more

Original poster
AlenaMacc · 27/05/2023 09:59

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 09:51

@AlenaMacc

1 no you weren't. The number of sahd is miniscule. Something like 2% of sahps are male. And that still doesn't answer why it is even a question and not what would it take to get a sahp to work

2 is a different question to your op. I also don't think its that common for business owners to want to retire during child bearing/rearing ages

Is there a reason you're not answering your own op?

It most definitely is - look into the FIRE community.

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 27/05/2023 10:07

AlenaMacc · 27/05/2023 09:47

Because,

  1. My question wasn’t about SAHMs, but about SAHPs.
  2. In the entrepreneurship community, the goal is always to automate your business, sell and retire early in order for you and your family to enjoy the fruits of your labour and more free time, better life quality. Therefore, I was interested to hear at what income people would consider that.
Show quote history

What the actual fuck OP! Do you honestly believe your second point. It is complete horse shit. The goal may sometimes be that for some people. Automation is a basic early step and many entrepreneurs maintain long career- early retirement is absolutely not always the goal.

what an odd sweeping to make - it sounds like you have a very limited ane
ill informed life outlook

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 10:13

I'm not sure why some posters are giving you a hard time OP, I thought your question was perfectly reasonable.

I became a SAHM on an income of £30k, we now both work full time and life is more expensive so would need an income of £110k-£150k. But older kids means I don't need to be a SAHM now 🙂

I must say, I got a lot more comments when I was a SAHM than I do as a FT working Mum. Comments that I must be "ladies that lunch" and I must enjoy all my free time to catch up on soap operas and it was expected I would be childcare for friends on occasions of snow days, teacher training days, holidays or any other day they couldn't cover "because you're not working"

I don't get that now, I more get comments about how wonderful it is that I've excelled in my career whilst also being a parent. It's much more positive.

I do think SAHM are frowned upon MUCH more than working mums. Especially if they claim benefits.

EmptyBedBlues · 27/05/2023 10:16

TheMoops · 27/05/2023 09:57

What would the household income need to be for you personally so that either you or your spouse would become a SAHP in order to improve the family quality of life etc?

This was your question OP which seems to assume that having a SAHP will improve a family's quality of life.

And in the UK were are invariably talking about SAHMs as the the number of men staying at home to care for children is incredibly low.

Yes, it’s not a neutral question phrased like that.

And I’m always fascinated by the way ‘family’ is used by posters on here in SAHM/WOHM threads — it’s often used as a way of moving both the decision to be a SAHM away from the individual woman leaving the workforce and onto some amorphous entity called ‘the family’, which is also depicted as the benefactor of her decision, and it often operates as a way of closing down discussion , eg ‘We decided it was best for our family’, ‘You do what’s right for your own family. End of’.’

As far as I am concerned, the possible benefit to ‘the family’ doesn’t outweigh the enormous disadvantages for me, and I am a key member of the family. In RL, having lived in five countries over the last three decades, I know almost no one who was a SAHP longterm, unless forced by ill health, additional needs in a child or other circumstances.

In fact, from what I read on here ‘We did what was best for our family’ is often code for ‘My husband isn’t prepared to make the career sacrifices necessary for us to be a household with two working parents, and as he outlearns me, I’m making noises about it being best for the family.’

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/05/2023 10:17

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 10:13

I'm not sure why some posters are giving you a hard time OP, I thought your question was perfectly reasonable.

I became a SAHM on an income of £30k, we now both work full time and life is more expensive so would need an income of £110k-£150k. But older kids means I don't need to be a SAHM now 🙂

I must say, I got a lot more comments when I was a SAHM than I do as a FT working Mum. Comments that I must be "ladies that lunch" and I must enjoy all my free time to catch up on soap operas and it was expected I would be childcare for friends on occasions of snow days, teacher training days, holidays or any other day they couldn't cover "because you're not working"

I don't get that now, I more get comments about how wonderful it is that I've excelled in my career whilst also being a parent. It's much more positive.

I do think SAHM are frowned upon MUCH more than working mums. Especially if they claim benefits.

And yet this thread is full of judgy comments about WOHPs!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 10:22

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/05/2023 10:17

And yet this thread is full of judgy comments about WOHPs!

Show quote history

And comments towards SAHM as well.

Not sure why women feel the need to make these comments at all, but given the nastiness to the OP I guess some women just revel in being nasty.

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 27/05/2023 10:27

I've definitely not seen or heard nasty comments about either wohps or sahps irl. It's only online I've encountered it. I don't think people really have enough bandwidth to care what other parents do for a living irl. Or maybe I'm being very naïve to think that!

Saschka · 27/05/2023 10:29

It’s less about income and more about security for me - I’m the higher earner and DH wants to be a SAHP (our child is in school, so he wouldn’t be doing childcare, just wants to stop work).

I’m resisting because: much harder to remortgage on a single salary. My pension is not going to be enough to support both of us (he doesn’t have a pension). What if I have an accident, or die?

So for me, if we won the lottery, maybe. Otherwise, no. He can get a job that is less stressful and pays much less, or go part time, but he does need to remain employed.

ilovewispas · 27/05/2023 10:29

£160k

TheMoops · 27/05/2023 10:40

In fact, from what I read on here ‘We did what was best for our family’ is often code for ‘My husband isn’t prepared to make the career sacrifices necessary for us to be a household with two working parents, and as he outlearns me, I’m making noises about it being best for the family.’

I think there is a lot of truth in this.
This was highlighted really clearly during the pandemic. Once we removed childcare ( and I know school isn't childcare but it does allow parents to work ) we saw women's careers disproportionately impacted mainly because they undertook the majority of childcare and homeschooling while men just carried on working 🤷🏼‍♀️

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 11:05

TheMoops · 27/05/2023 09:57

What would the household income need to be for you personally so that either you or your spouse would become a SAHP in order to improve the family quality of life etc?

This was your question OP which seems to assume that having a SAHP will improve a family's quality of life.

And in the UK were are invariably talking about SAHMs as the the number of men staying at home to care for children is incredibly low.

Exactly

nonheme · 27/05/2023 11:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 11:17

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 10:13

I'm not sure why some posters are giving you a hard time OP, I thought your question was perfectly reasonable.

I became a SAHM on an income of £30k, we now both work full time and life is more expensive so would need an income of £110k-£150k. But older kids means I don't need to be a SAHM now 🙂

I must say, I got a lot more comments when I was a SAHM than I do as a FT working Mum. Comments that I must be "ladies that lunch" and I must enjoy all my free time to catch up on soap operas and it was expected I would be childcare for friends on occasions of snow days, teacher training days, holidays or any other day they couldn't cover "because you're not working"

I don't get that now, I more get comments about how wonderful it is that I've excelled in my career whilst also being a parent. It's much more positive.

I do think SAHM are frowned upon MUCH more than working mums. Especially if they claim benefits.

Except they're categorically not judged more than working mums.

As I said, the worst accusation levelled at sahms is that they're a bit lazy. Or that others would find it lazy.

The worst wms are accused of is not loving their kids enough. Abandoning them, neglecting them. Allowing others to raise them. Being selfish and not putting their children first

I'm not sure why a sahm would care if anyone thought they were lazy. I know why wms would care if people said they didn't love their kids enough

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 11:19

EmptyBedBlues · 27/05/2023 10:16

Yes, it’s not a neutral question phrased like that.

And I’m always fascinated by the way ‘family’ is used by posters on here in SAHM/WOHM threads — it’s often used as a way of moving both the decision to be a SAHM away from the individual woman leaving the workforce and onto some amorphous entity called ‘the family’, which is also depicted as the benefactor of her decision, and it often operates as a way of closing down discussion , eg ‘We decided it was best for our family’, ‘You do what’s right for your own family. End of’.’

As far as I am concerned, the possible benefit to ‘the family’ doesn’t outweigh the enormous disadvantages for me, and I am a key member of the family. In RL, having lived in five countries over the last three decades, I know almost no one who was a SAHP longterm, unless forced by ill health, additional needs in a child or other circumstances.

In fact, from what I read on here ‘We did what was best for our family’ is often code for ‘My husband isn’t prepared to make the career sacrifices necessary for us to be a household with two working parents, and as he outlearns me, I’m making noises about it being best for the family.’

Show quote history

Absolutely this

To all the women on this thread who have given a figure, how would your oh answer?

Why is it better for the 'family' for women to give up work?

There is no way to answer that without highlighting the obvious sexism

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 27/05/2023 11:22

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 25/05/2023 22:23

I would love one of us to be a sahp (but dp hates the idea)!

I think anywhere upwards of £50k? We earn (and spend) more than that, but a good chunk is on wraparound care and commuting to work etc.

This was my 'figure' but I didn't say which of us would SAH.

Goldbar · 27/05/2023 11:23

Saschka · 27/05/2023 10:29

It’s less about income and more about security for me - I’m the higher earner and DH wants to be a SAHP (our child is in school, so he wouldn’t be doing childcare, just wants to stop work).

I’m resisting because: much harder to remortgage on a single salary. My pension is not going to be enough to support both of us (he doesn’t have a pension). What if I have an accident, or die?

So for me, if we won the lottery, maybe. Otherwise, no. He can get a job that is less stressful and pays much less, or go part time, but he does need to remain employed.

It seems odd to want to become a SAHP after most of the hard work has been done (looking after babies, toddlers and preschoolers before they go to school). The few parents (mostly mums) I know who have remained SAHPs now their youngest child is in school tend to view it as a temporary thing and their 'trade-off' for years of doing everything for the kids and around the house. And they're still doing everything for the kids and around the house outside school hours.

Presumably if he becomes a SAHP to a school-age child, he's proposing to take over all the school admin and morning and afterschool childcare and most of the housework and cooking?

mumof4andlovinglife · 27/05/2023 11:24

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mumof4andlovinglife · 27/05/2023 11:34

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