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Original poster

Had a really fun first date but no second date planned yet

145 replies

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 09:46

I had a great first date earlier this week. We ended up drinking a lot but it was good fun. We spoke about going out again, doing all of these things.

We are still messaging but he hasn’t yet suggested an actual day for a second date…

I am just really getting into my own head that he’s losing interest. I’ve had a lot of first dates which have gone really well but then suddenly the guy has said he didn’t feel a spark or whatever.

I know I need to become less emotionally invested in first dates, but that’s just who I am. I care and I am sensitive, but I don’t want to stress myself out over nothing essentially.

Any advice?

I shouldn’t suggest a second date should I? Because as the saying goes - if he wants to, he will?

OP posts:
Lesserspottedmama · 21/05/2023 09:17

Sex on the first date is a terrible idea. I say that with kindness and empathy having made the same mistake years ago multiple times as a young woman (have been married now for a long time). I know my husband would not have respected me or seen me as a potential wife and mother of his children if I’d got drunk and slept with him the first time I met him, I mean we may have still ended up together but I do think he would have seen me in a different light. It’s really sad because I think it cheapens a woman, we’ve been conditioned into thinking we are ‘liberated’ as modern women but the reality is that this kind of loose morals just hurts us. It’s rare for a women not to feel an emotional attachment to a man she has been to bed with, although I’m sure some become hardened old war horses in the game of causal sex, most women are only going to get hurt in these situations. Learn from this situation OP, value yourself more than what you have been doing. You say you don’t regret it but I think you are in denial and it is that denial which stops us from growing in character and wisdom.

DontCallMeMaybeBaby · 21/05/2023 09:28

You can do better - someone who will not have you angsting like this. Someone who will not want to leave you hanging in case you get snapped up.

I think it was a significant, worth-mentioning detail that you slept together though. Sorry but that will also have contributed to your angst and feeling let down but you left it out of the OP like it’s not a thing. Likewise the we had fun and I trusted him so what’s the big deal. I don’t think it’s a good plan when looking for a relationship.

Nonetheless if he was worth it he’d be showing he’s keen. It’s not your fault or because you slept with him that he’s not. As I say, you can do better.

DozyDelia · 21/05/2023 09:40

I don't think there is any point asking him out.

It's true that if men are keen they will ask. If they don't, do you really want a man who is too scared to ask you out?

If you suggest a date, he may turn up, but it could be out of duty or guilt as you had sex with him on 1st date. Then you'd be back where you are now- full of angst worrying over it.

The problem as an OP also said is you got in too deep too soon. I don't like the term 'loose morals' (which is very offensive ) but I do think that most men can walk away from a sexual encounter and not be too bothered, whereas most women do feel some attachment, especially if they are looking for a relationship and not just a ONS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Oblomov23 · 21/05/2023 11:22

I've only just realised through crunchy post, that you got drunk and slept with him. In which case even giving this any headspace is not worth it. Many old fashioned men don't want women to do that. You handed it to him on a plate. He never even had ti chase you - many men like the chase.
I agree with Lesserspotted. Plus you left this massive bit of info out of the OP!

AnnunciataZ · 21/05/2023 12:04

I know my husband would not have respected me or seen me as a potential wife and mother of his children if I’d got drunk and slept with him the first time I met him

That's says more about your husband than it does OP.

Bin him OP, these "old-fashioned" men with sexist double standards aren't worth your time.

Coffeetree · 21/05/2023 12:14

AnnunciataZ · 21/05/2023 12:04

I know my husband would not have respected me or seen me as a potential wife and mother of his children if I’d got drunk and slept with him the first time I met him

That's says more about your husband than it does OP.

Bin him OP, these "old-fashioned" men with sexist double standards aren't worth your time.

Jesus, how awful. I would not respect or see as a potential husband a man who had such an awful virgin/whore attitude about women.

Suprima · 21/05/2023 14:11

These threads always descend into slut-shaming or accusations of slut shaming but actually, not shagging a bloke on a first date is nothing to do with demonstrating ‘good morals’ or whatever.

I didn’t shag on the first date, or actually for a good few dates for a few reasons

  1. he’s a complete stranger, there’s a safety risk element

  2. he might be an absolute lowlife whose jizz I want nowhere near me because my body is a fucking temple and not anyone touches it

  3. sexual chemistry benefits from a slow burn and extending the mystery

  4. I prefer to use a love island term… ‘do bits’ or 1/2/3rd base as I get comfortable with a bloke to assess for how we match up sexually and avoid a situation where I am wasting my time on a man who doesn’t give oral, or WORSE I’ve already had sex with him

Absolutely NOTHING to do with being the moral police

Also, it doesn’t apply to me but where women with low boundaries and low self esteem shag 1st date and it ‘progresses’ - the dating stage ENDS and your ‘relationship’ becomes Netflix, pizza and sub par shagging. The romance is gone and it didn’t even get started.

Coffeetree · 21/05/2023 15:02
  1. I thought you were married?
Suprima · 21/05/2023 15:04

Coffeetree · 21/05/2023 15:02

  1. I thought you were married?

hence the use of the word ‘didn’t’ 😂

Coffeetree · 21/05/2023 15:06

Sorry, touché!

Freefall212 · 21/05/2023 15:07

Everyoe who has sex on a first date is having sex because they want to have sex. The person is sufficiently attractive enough to enjoy sex and so sex happens. There is zero expectation or commitment or obligation or message that comes with sex on a first date. It is two people who just met and barely know each other who are both horn and agree to have sex. That is it. Sex isn't a signal that the person wants a second date. It is a one night stand - a way for two people to scratch a sexual itch.

Cam22 · 21/05/2023 15:16

It’s texted not “text”, grammar novices…
Lol

MirrorMirror1247 · 23/05/2023 07:25

Any update, OP?

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 16:11

For anybody who still cares, this has firmly been established as something casual! I’ve met up with him again, but it was definitely a booty call. At least I know I guess…

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 16:42

What’s confusing is his dating app profile and our first date made it out as if he was looking for something more serious. Maybe he is - just not with me!

OP posts:
MirrorMirror1247 · 24/05/2023 16:59

Aww, that's a shame. It's up to you now I guess, whether you're happy to see him casually or not. Hope you're OK though.

CuriousMama · 24/05/2023 17:55

Onwards and upwards. Put him down to experience and get out there with a few. I met my prince eventually. I dated lots tbh

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 18:25

Thanks @MirrorMirror1247. I am a bit confused to be honest. I don’t think I can emotionally handle casual hook ups!

OP posts:
GreenwichOrTwicks · 24/05/2023 18:44

I actually slept with my ex DH before our first date (business trip) and we v were married 27 years.
Wouldn't now tho' as with OLD is a different landscape. FWB wasn't a thing then but is expected now as default.

Crazycrazylady · 24/05/2023 19:02

Honestly op. I know it's an old fashioned view but if you are looking for a relationship as opposed to casual sex , I'd avoid sleeping with them on the first date. I know it's a complete double standard and I asked two male friends why that was. Some years back .They accepted it was a bit mental but said that hapoy to sleep with a girl on a first date but that put her into fwb category rather than potential girlfriend. When I asked why, they both agreed that if a girl slept with them on a first date then they'd assumed she slept with everyone on a first datw and they said they'd hate having a girlfriend where they thought might already have slept with half the village.
Ons fine but girlfriend no.
Bonkers view I know but you don't sound the type for casual relationships either.

x2boys · 24/05/2023 19:50

Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 18:25

Thanks @MirrorMirror1247. I am a bit confused to be honest. I don’t think I can emotionally handle casual hook ups!

Honestly if you want more then a casual hook up.now and then I would probably not contact him again I could never handle that kind of thing either as I always wanted more and ended up.getting hurt more often than not
my dh,was initially a one night stand,we didn't know each other at all but he contacted me a day or two after we slept together and we have been together ever since 18 years now
but realistically 9/10 times a one night stand rarely leads to more I speak from experience
obviously I'm not condemning anyone who has them ,as I have been there and done that .

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 21:04

It just amazes me how guys don’t seem to get attached after physical intimacy!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 24/05/2023 21:13

You seem confused by textbook OLD male behaviour. Almost any woman is good enough for sex until "the one" comes along. Sending friendly flirty messages to multiple women whilst trying to find "the one" isn't unusual at all and doesn't mean his profile isn't a true reflection of his goal...he'll just accept any casual sex on offer along the way.

Jobsharenightmare · 24/05/2023 21:16

If you're willing to sleep with a man on the first date then they assume you do that with any (drunken) first date. I don't think many men like the idea of a wife having loads of one night stands to be honest. Not marriage material and all that. I am biased as never had one and wouldn't marry someone who had either.

onecarrot · 24/05/2023 21:28

Overthinker018273 · 24/05/2023 21:04

It just amazes me how guys don’t seem to get attached after physical intimacy!

Because women see sex differently. I'm guessing you're early 20s. I think as you get older it's tends to swing the other way and it's the men being used for casual hook ups. Paybacks a bitch lol. I'd say slow down on your next date, men do enjoy a chase and don't be scared to ask for a second date be confident. Send that text, ask for that date what's the worst that can happen they say no or don't reply oh well NEXT !