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Original poster

Had a really fun first date but no second date planned yet

145 replies

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 09:46

I had a great first date earlier this week. We ended up drinking a lot but it was good fun. We spoke about going out again, doing all of these things.

We are still messaging but he hasn’t yet suggested an actual day for a second date…

I am just really getting into my own head that he’s losing interest. I’ve had a lot of first dates which have gone really well but then suddenly the guy has said he didn’t feel a spark or whatever.

I know I need to become less emotionally invested in first dates, but that’s just who I am. I care and I am sensitive, but I don’t want to stress myself out over nothing essentially.

Any advice?

I shouldn’t suggest a second date should I? Because as the saying goes - if he wants to, he will?

OP posts:
Blossomandbee · 19/05/2023 17:34

I don't mean to sound harsh but I would guess he's possibly dating several people and keeping you on the back burner.
I think if he was really keen on you he would want to secure another date to see you. Generally if you're not sure if they're interested, then they're not.

rookiemere · 19/05/2023 17:41

I think the issue about sex on the first date is not that old fashioned trope that men think you're easy, but more that you are practically strangers but you've already moved to the ultimate level of physical intimacy. It's hard and tricky for the mind to catch up and unless you're hugely attracted to each other, it can be quite off putting.

IamSlave · 19/05/2023 17:45

@CuriousMama.. What is OLD

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IamSlave · 19/05/2023 17:45

Rookie mere I totally agree

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 19/05/2023 17:48

If you drank a lot and had sex with him on the first date there’s a very high chance he won’t want to date you in the traditional sense and won’t see you as relationship material.

x2boys · 19/05/2023 18:25

I don't understand why women can ,r ask a man out ,I thought sex,s were supposed to.be equal these days?
ask him if he says no.or is non committal than you know he's not that interested if he says yes than it might just be the start of something?
either way it's better than second guessing ?

AnnunciataZ · 19/05/2023 18:50

And maybe his POV was " she drinks too much and is easy. I wonder how many other men she gor drunk with and shagged last week".

If that's what he thinks then OP is better off without him.

x2boys · 19/05/2023 19:01

Prettylittleroses · 19/05/2023 16:44

I can’t believe you shagged him on the first date but feel you can’t ask him for a second. Just text him and ask him if he fancies meeting for a drink.

Iwasent even on a date with my dh. The first time I had sex with him it was supposed to be a one night stand I had literally just met ,him ,18 years later we are still together
although this probably the exception rather than the rule .

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:04

Out of interest, would anyone expect a man to text you if he was drunk and out with friends?

OP posts:
Suprima · 20/05/2023 21:19

Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:04

Out of interest, would anyone expect a man to text you if he was drunk and out with friends?

If he was enamoured with me and we were in the early stages of dating, with fizzing chemistry and excitement to see each other next- yes. And that has been my experience.

A bloke did the above and he is now my husband. And still texts me when he is with mates, but obs less frantically now

This bloke ain’t interested. I’ve read your responses and you are just clinging onto tragic advice from other people in situationships.

Go do something positive with your weekend instead of moping and waiting for an apathetic bloke to text you. You’ve given him all the power, and for what?

you honestly aren’t ready to date. You invest yourself way too much for nothing.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:31

@Suprima he has text me today

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 20/05/2023 21:35

Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:04

Out of interest, would anyone expect a man to text you if he was drunk and out with friends?

Maybe if it was for a booty call?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/05/2023 21:51

It really does sound like he's lost interest after getting what he wanted, but he doesn't want to be a complete arsehole and ghost you straight away so he's drifting.

Sorry, OP.

DozyDelia · 20/05/2023 22:03

If you want a relationship, don't have sex on the first date. (waits for long term married to say they did and it all worked out.)
Yes, sometimes it can. But not often.

I think men actually do like to be kept waiting, for a while. It also sorts out the wheat from the chaff. Some men are players and will snatch at sex and that's all they want. There are plenty of women out there who just want sex to.

Leave them to it.

If you have sex on date 1 @Overthinker018273 it's almost impossible to know how it's going to pan out. He may keep you on the back burner for sex, if no one else wants to see him.

You clearly aren't happy with one night stands, as you are overthinking all of this.

DozyDelia · 20/05/2023 22:04

Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:31

@Suprima he has text me today

To say what?

Did you reply?

DozyDelia · 20/05/2023 22:06

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 19/05/2023 17:48

If you drank a lot and had sex with him on the first date there’s a very high chance he won’t want to date you in the traditional sense and won’t see you as relationship material.

Ouch- are we back in 1950?

I don't believe in sex on first dates as the norm but not because men are only marrying virgins these days.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 20/05/2023 22:23

So, did he ask you out again in the latest text?

Cas112 · 20/05/2023 22:28

No, I would expect him to be out enjoying his night with his friends

Inkypot · 20/05/2023 22:30

I haven't read all the comments so sorry if this is a cross post at all.

I don't get why you can't just tell him you had fun and suggest a second date.
Are the friends who are advising you all settled, happily married folk? Or are they single/dating? Because looking back when I was single my single/dating pals gave me the worst dating advice!
I had an amazing first date with one guy, stuff of movies honestly, and it was me who texted the next morning excitedly suggested another date in a few days time. We've ended up married and very much in love. So no, you suggesting a second date is not a bad thing and there is nothing to read into other than you had fun, he had fun, maybe you'd have fun again so just ask.
And Curious Mama sounds exactly like all my single friends at the time, and not surprisingly those friends are all still single nearly 20 years on and adamant that men are just intimidated by them etc. These are not the people you need love advice from as clearly their suggestions aren't working for them either.

CuriousMama · 21/05/2023 00:13

Inkypot · 20/05/2023 22:30

I haven't read all the comments so sorry if this is a cross post at all.

I don't get why you can't just tell him you had fun and suggest a second date.
Are the friends who are advising you all settled, happily married folk? Or are they single/dating? Because looking back when I was single my single/dating pals gave me the worst dating advice!
I had an amazing first date with one guy, stuff of movies honestly, and it was me who texted the next morning excitedly suggested another date in a few days time. We've ended up married and very much in love. So no, you suggesting a second date is not a bad thing and there is nothing to read into other than you had fun, he had fun, maybe you'd have fun again so just ask.
And Curious Mama sounds exactly like all my single friends at the time, and not surprisingly those friends are all still single nearly 20 years on and adamant that men are just intimidated by them etc. These are not the people you need love advice from as clearly their suggestions aren't working for them either.

I'm happily married 😊

Oblomov23 · 21/05/2023 07:43

It's good he's text today. I can't understand why he hasn't asked. But if first date was only this week, which day was it? It's only been a few days. I'd want him to ask. I'd be starting to find him irritating, I want someone quick acting and demonstrative.

DozyDelia · 21/05/2023 07:48

I would never, ever have sex on a first date (I'm married by the way and for years) because I don't think it's a great idea to ask some unknown bloke back to your home, or go to his.

Or even go to a hotel or wherever you did it.

You simply don't know them and it puts you in a vulnerable situation.

You said you 'trusted him' but after a few hours of meeting, your got drunk so your judgement would be skewed anyway.

I'm not being nasty- but concerned. Gen up on safe dating when you are meeting guys online @Overthinker018273

Coffeetree · 21/05/2023 07:56

Put yourself out of your misery and suggest a specific activity, date and time. "Let's try [bar]. How about this Wednesday at 7?"

If he doesn't accept, or if he doesn't alternatively suggest a specific alternative day and time, then you know he's not interested. Good. So then you'll know and can cut him loose.

I had this too for a while when I was dating. Texts texts texts. "We should have a picnic." "I should buy you flowers". Um yes let's? I think some people just want penpals, or back-ups.

DozyDelia · 21/05/2023 08:32

I know it's easy to say OP but what comes over is that you need to start being honest with yourself over who you are.

You have said you are sensitive and care.

Well, if that's the case, don't jump into bed on date 1 because it looks as if that makes you invested and open to being let down.

Unless you are desperate for sex, hold something back and make men work a bit harder.

Suprima · 21/05/2023 09:01

Overthinker018273 · 20/05/2023 21:31

@Suprima he has text me today

to ask you out?