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Original poster

Had a really fun first date but no second date planned yet

145 replies

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 09:46

I had a great first date earlier this week. We ended up drinking a lot but it was good fun. We spoke about going out again, doing all of these things.

We are still messaging but he hasn’t yet suggested an actual day for a second date…

I am just really getting into my own head that he’s losing interest. I’ve had a lot of first dates which have gone really well but then suddenly the guy has said he didn’t feel a spark or whatever.

I know I need to become less emotionally invested in first dates, but that’s just who I am. I care and I am sensitive, but I don’t want to stress myself out over nothing essentially.

Any advice?

I shouldn’t suggest a second date should I? Because as the saying goes - if he wants to, he will?

OP posts:
Pashazade · 19/05/2023 15:46

I couldn't be doing with the not knowing, just ask. If he says no then you're done if he doesn't then have fun!

Aspargustips · 19/05/2023 15:52

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 15:38

@Crunchymum yes…. but, I don’t regret this and he told me it’s not what he is looking for. I know loads of people are going to be like “well he’s got what he wanted” - well you know what, I’d rather know after 1 date than be stringed along until date 5…

He got what he wanted and he’s stringing you along until he wants sex again

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:26

I just need to distract myself as he’s still talking to me

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
delilabell · 19/05/2023 16:29

Surely it's better to know than to be getting yoir hopes up? Would you still be msging him if you knew there wouldn't be a second date?

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:31

I just think it’s too soon to ask him on a second date. If he hasn’t suggested anything by the end of the weekend, then I’ll ask myself for peace of mind. But I don’t want to come across as needy or desperate. I already know he has plans this weekend as well.

OP posts:
Curioussss · 19/05/2023 16:32

What is he saying?

asking lots of questions?

can you twist the convo and start talking about this weekend / next week plans - or trying out a cool new bar or something? You could also tell him that you’ll need to take a step back from the messaging as you’ve got a busy weekend and find messaging less good than seeing someone f2f.

basically drop a few hints then roll back the messaging - you’ll have your answer!

Tellmeimcrazy · 19/05/2023 16:34

He might say no, but at least you'll know!

I don't know with these things. I met my partner OLD, and it just flowed naturally. Of course there were teething problems but nothing major.

I think ask him and go from there.

standardduck · 19/05/2023 16:36

I don't want to be harsh, but I think he is still talking to you just in case his other dates don't go well.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:44

I talked about this bar I wanted to go to and he said “we should try that out” - but that’s it…

OP posts:
Prettylittleroses · 19/05/2023 16:44

I can’t believe you shagged him on the first date but feel you can’t ask him for a second. Just text him and ask him if he fancies meeting for a drink.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 19/05/2023 16:47

Tell him now that you're going away for the weekend and the wifi is patchy.
Then wish him a cheery weekend and don't open messages till Monday.
But I think a PP is right: he's keeping you on the margins for more sex, if and when he hits a dry spell.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:47

@Prettylittleroses I don’t know why there’s such a thing nowadays around having sex on the first date. If the vibes were there and you enjoyed each other’s company, why is it such a bad thing. I did it because I trusted him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:48

@FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar he’s actually stopped messaging me now - I sent the last one and I don’t want to double message

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:48

Trusted him in the moment I should. Of course I don’t know him. But a lot of alcohol had been consumed by that point.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 19/05/2023 16:52

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:47

@Prettylittleroses I don’t know why there’s such a thing nowadays around having sex on the first date. If the vibes were there and you enjoyed each other’s company, why is it such a bad thing. I did it because I trusted him.

It's not a bad thing. However it's to be expected it won't go beyond that.
Which is what is happening here, and that's ok if that's all you were looking for.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:53

@misssunshine4040 but why though? I’ve got friends who had sex with their boyfriends of multiple years on the first dates

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 16:54

I am just wondering if he isn't all that keen, OP.

Cut your losses. One date. Move on. Find another bloke who is keener on you.

If he wanted to see you again I think he'd have mentioned it by now. In fact, most blokes who are keen tend to ask before the first date is over.

GoodLies · 19/05/2023 16:55

Yes I wondered if you had already had sex too but didn’t like to ask. I’d not bother now tbh.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:56

@TheShellBeach we did talk about it on the first date though, about meeting up again. Maybe he’s just trying to play it cool. I don’t see why a guy would make the effort to message you if he didn’t want to see you again. He messaged me first after he left my flat. He’d either tell you face to face or just ghost you, wouldn’t he? If he’s using me for sex, then I’ll find that out soon I guess.

OP posts:
Suprima · 19/05/2023 16:58

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:44

I talked about this bar I wanted to go to and he said “we should try that out” - but that’s it…

Relationships can come from one night stands. That’s how some people meet their person. It can be blossoming, intense, an almost love at first sight but they don’t know it yet.

However, that’s not what’s happening here.

He got what he wanted. You’re on the guaranteed shag list and he might hit you up to go to that bar when he fancies it.

If you invest yourself too much in first dates then STOP shagging them.

If you want a hot fling or casual shag that’s one thing, but this is NOT how you date with intent

MirrorMirror1247 · 19/05/2023 17:02

There's nothing wrong with you suggesting you go out again, you really don't have to wait for him to do it! I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and it's mostly been me that's suggested doing something, he's come up with ideas while we've been out together, but it's me that's messaged him to let him know when I'm free and we've arranged things from there.

He's getting better at messaging me about stuff now, so maybe your guy is the same and will get better given time?

I get that you're worried about how double messaging will look, so if you don't hear from him over the weekend, message him on Sunday evening saying you hope he had a good weekend, that you remembered him saying you should try the bar you talked about and ask when he'd be free for that. I wouldn't give up hope yet!

misssunshine4040 · 19/05/2023 17:03

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:53

@misssunshine4040 but why though? I’ve got friends who had sex with their boyfriends of multiple years on the first dates

Because it's a gamble.
Sometimes it turns into more but for the most part it doesn't.
There's nothing wrong with it but it's just the way things work.

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 17:07

Thank you @MirrorMirror1247 for re-assuring me! A lot of people are just telling me he’s in it for the sex, which if I am honest not getting those vibes. I kind of wish I hadn’t started this thread as I need to trust my own instinct.

That’s my plan now. No more messaging now over the weekend unless he does. If he doesn’t then I’ll ask him if he fancies a drink next week. Then at least I’ll know!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 19/05/2023 17:10

Why on EARTH don't you take the initiative?

If there is a next time, maybe stay sober so you can assess his reactions better.

2bazookas · 19/05/2023 17:14

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 16:47

@Prettylittleroses I don’t know why there’s such a thing nowadays around having sex on the first date. If the vibes were there and you enjoyed each other’s company, why is it such a bad thing. I did it because I trusted him.

And maybe his POV was " she drinks too much and is easy. I wonder how many other men she gor drunk with and shagged last week".

If you want to be respected, first show that you respect yourself.