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Original poster

Had a really fun first date but no second date planned yet

145 replies

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 09:46

I had a great first date earlier this week. We ended up drinking a lot but it was good fun. We spoke about going out again, doing all of these things.

We are still messaging but he hasn’t yet suggested an actual day for a second date…

I am just really getting into my own head that he’s losing interest. I’ve had a lot of first dates which have gone really well but then suddenly the guy has said he didn’t feel a spark or whatever.

I know I need to become less emotionally invested in first dates, but that’s just who I am. I care and I am sensitive, but I don’t want to stress myself out over nothing essentially.

Any advice?

I shouldn’t suggest a second date should I? Because as the saying goes - if he wants to, he will?

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 12:13

I just don’t want to ask because I think he should be the one to suggest it. Nothing so far is pointing to the fact that he isn’t keen. He’s been messaging me since the date and asking questions. Why would you do that if you weren’t keen. Maybe I am naive!

OP posts:
Catlord · 19/05/2023 12:29

Fine if that's what you want but accept you're working to his timeframe in that case.

Tighginn · 19/05/2023 12:31

Be your own second date and remember the misery bring another man into your life will bring.

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships
FrenchLilacs · 19/05/2023 12:32

Ask him. If he is vague about it then you can have your answer and move on.

Theredjellybean · 19/05/2023 12:43

What if he's not sure how you are feeling...he might be anxious about being rejected.
I honestly cannot understand the whole 'dont ask " thing...you'll spend weeks exchanging messages and not knowing where it is going...sounds exhausting to me.
Women want equality...you want to see him again...just suggest a date...

Doje · 19/05/2023 12:53

Jesus woman, just ask him on a date! If he dithers again then you can move on but if you want to see him again ask him!

I bet he organised the first date? Maybe he is thinking 'I asked her out first, it's her turn'.

An easy breezy message of 'are you free Saturday? We could do x'. If he's not free, the ball is then in his court to suggest another date.

Take some control and put yourself out of your misery!

redskylight · 19/05/2023 12:57

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 12:13

I just don’t want to ask because I think he should be the one to suggest it. Nothing so far is pointing to the fact that he isn’t keen. He’s been messaging me since the date and asking questions. Why would you do that if you weren’t keen. Maybe I am naive!

Maybe he is not asking because he thinks you should be the one to suggest it?

If he says "yes" then great, and if he says "no" then at least you will know where you are. Can't see how you lose really. But then I'm not a fan of game playing in relationships - tell each other what you want!

CuriousMama · 19/05/2023 13:03

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 12:13

I just don’t want to ask because I think he should be the one to suggest it. Nothing so far is pointing to the fact that he isn’t keen. He’s been messaging me since the date and asking questions. Why would you do that if you weren’t keen. Maybe I am naive!

Oh if he's been messaging that much definitely mention a date.

Jinnyinthecity · 19/05/2023 13:33

I'd like some of that confidence! @CuriousMama

Jinnyinthecity · 19/05/2023 13:35

I'm probably cowardly but I wouldn't suggest a second date if unsure.

LoveBuzzz · 19/05/2023 13:42

@CuriousMama I don’t think you sound up yourself at all; it’s about time women found the courage to acknowledge their strengths & know their worth.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 19/05/2023 13:44

Personally I would stop replying to anything that wasn’t date related at this point. He’s probably benching you for a rainy day/ easy sex. Men who are keen on you get that second date organised asap. I certainly wouldn’t ask him out. You’ve done more than enough to show your interest.

Indoorcatmum · 19/05/2023 13:46

DONT ASK!!!

You want to be able to walk away without having given too much of yourself to someone who isn't interested.

Men will pursue and initiate if they want to.
Act like you don't care and have plenty of options.

He will either be curious and want more, or he won't... But either way you can be confident.

Some people say this is game playing, but imo it's protecting yourself from players.

rookiemere · 19/05/2023 13:59

Either ask or take a different approach- don't reply to his messages quickly - make him think you have other options. I suspect he has two of you on the go, and is trying to decide who to date, so maybe try being less eager.

Tickledtrout · 19/05/2023 14:04

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/05/2023 10:10

I wouldn't be waiting for this guy. I certainly wouldn't be asking him out.

This.
And your friends know you.
Keep texting if you like but time for another first date or two, also

Bihan · 19/05/2023 14:09

@CuriousMama I love the confidence. More women should be like this. Well done.

GoodLies · 19/05/2023 14:14

Can you just say, any plans for the weekend? He might shut it down if he thinks it’s a hint or it’s a way in if he’s keen.

misssunshine4040 · 19/05/2023 14:18

Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 10:10

@CuriousMama well he did allude to us trying a bar that I was talking about in our messages. Maybe he’s just taking his time.

It really shouldn't be this hard.
He's happy chatting to you, enjoying the attention until someone he prefers comes along.
Sorry if it's blunt but don't waste anymore time.

misssunshine4040 · 19/05/2023 14:23

Curioussss · 19/05/2023 10:57

Gosh @CuriousMama you sound so up yourself

I dont think @CuriousMama sounds up Herat all. She is speaking the truth based on her experiences.
Why do women hate to hear other women call themselves attractive to men

misssunshine4040 · 19/05/2023 14:24

*herself ... I wish mumsnet had an edit feature

DancinOnTheCeiling · 19/05/2023 14:26

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 19/05/2023 13:44

Personally I would stop replying to anything that wasn’t date related at this point. He’s probably benching you for a rainy day/ easy sex. Men who are keen on you get that second date organised asap. I certainly wouldn’t ask him out. You’ve done more than enough to show your interest.

I agree with @Kickingupmerrybehaviour I wouldn't be replying unless date related or at least slow things down. You're investing too much at this point. I know it sounds very non feminist but a man who's interested will pursue you, and 'chasing' them can put them off. I know it sounds like game playing but I swear I have observed this a million times, have given friends advice and I am never wrong. It sucks as I'm the kind of person who wants to know/organise and cannot stand uncertainty but men operate in weird ways when it comes to dating. He sounds like he's keeping you on the hook but has other things going on. I hope I'm wrong...

if it was me I'd slow down my replies and not ask any questions. If he asks what's up I'd say I've been busy.. or even something like 'I realised we were messaging a lot when we don't even know each other well, and I'm more a face to face kind of person'. To which he would - if keen - say 'do you fancy meeting up again?'. And if he doesn't, what's the point. You're not looking for a pen pal are you?

(I used the above approval when OLD 9/10 years ago. This was after I was over invested/messages loads and was then ghosted so I decided I'll not message a lot until things are more serious with someone. If a guy messaged loads and asked loads I'd just say 'I'm more a face to face kind of person'. It worked every time as the keen ones asked me out and the not keen ones disappeared and that way I knew if someone was keen or not without actually having to do the asking out). Don't know if that makes sense

DancinOnTheCeiling · 19/05/2023 14:27

@CuriousMama you sound amazing. I wish we were all more like you 💪🏻

HazyDragon · 19/05/2023 14:30

I think he enjoys the attention of chatting to you and would probably go out again if you suggested it.
But I also think he would ask you if he was that interested.

Crunchymum · 19/05/2023 14:38

Why all the anguish?

Ask and then you'll either a) be able to look forward to a second date or b) know for sure he isn't interested.

Did you have sex with him on the first date?

Original poster
Overthinker018273 · 19/05/2023 15:38

@Crunchymum yes…. but, I don’t regret this and he told me it’s not what he is looking for. I know loads of people are going to be like “well he’s got what he wanted” - well you know what, I’d rather know after 1 date than be stringed along until date 5…

OP posts: