How do you feel about the term "step mum"

[midnightblue12]

Just that really.

You're the main care giver, dad sees children weekly but childcare is around 80/20.

So you are a step mum but their dad only sees them weekly?

No I'm not a step mum.

But just after general opinions of that term being used when the mum is the primary caregiver.

Regardless of how often the dad sees them, if he's remarried then his wife is the step mum.

I personally hate the term. I think it's out dated and they should be referred to as their dad's girlfriend/wife. Two parents are enough. Sometimes one parent is enough. I'm not bitter about it, my son doesn't have a 'step mum' so it doesn't affect me personally, but it wasn't since I had my son that I knew what it was to be a mother. May also be because my dad's partner has never been referred to as a step mum and we are extremely close. I don't think a different title would have changed anything.

I think it depends if they play a caring role, really. My dad remarried when I was 20, I would never refer to his wife as my stepmum.

I have friends with 'stepchildren' who are not (yet) in that role - they see the kids if their dad has them when they're with him and hang out as another adult in their life, but they don't feed or bath or sort their clothes for school or discipline etc etc. I wouldn't see them as step mums, they're dad's partner (or in one case, wife, but the kids are a bit older, 10 and 13, so don't 'need' care in the same way and that relationship hasn't really developed).

But then I have a friend whose step son is only with them at weekends but she's got a very active role in his life when he is there - helps with homework, does the odd football pick up in the week, helps with bath and bedtime, cooks for him (alongside his dad, obviously) - generally has a caring/parental relationship with him. She's what I'd class as a step mum.

My kids had this role suggested to them within weeks of dad having a girlfriend so it has negative connotations to me and was instigated by the adults not the kids and its was all too soon. It send my kids into a free fall which their dad didn't believe was happening as they only showed it to me.

A year or so later when i got a partner we never used the term step dad and never have. Its the kids choice as to what they call him and how they explain their relationship to people outside of our family. To strangers they may call him their step dad as it helps people make sense of the situation. Years later in their own time they were asking to acknowledge him on fathers day etc. They asked and i was quite
Surprised. But i am really careful about that card i choose etc. And make sure it doesn't say Dad. They only have one Dad and he is good to them.

It can be tough for kids as mum or dads choice of partner isn't necessarily their choice of parent. So forcing a parent label on it isnt helpful if they dont have those feelings.

I guess ultimately you let the kids lead the dialogue on it.

My lovely "bonus" children call me their "bonus" mum.. a lot nicer than step .. children and step mother

Being my children's mum is the greatest privalidge I've ever, and will ever had.
I was lucky enough to carry them, give birth to them, do every single night feed, sacrificed pretty much everything to give them the life they have.
Like a PP said, I never knew what it was to be a mum until I was one. I thought o knew but it didn't.
They are my home, my love, my everything. I never walked out on them and I never would. Even though they see their dad I'm available to them all week.
They are my little boys always and im their mum always.

I don't know why a parents partner needs to don the term "mum" or "dad". I find it really offensive.

And I know that everyone's situations are different and I know that partners can love those children a great deal. But I just cannot accept another person sharing my title and I would never accept them calling someone else "dad" whilst they have a dad who loves them too.

I just really dislike it.

I mean no offence to anyone who has accepted the term or is happy to use/share it. This is just my opinion which has been created based on my own life experiences.

I agree with you op. I never ever considered any of my dad's many girlfriends or his brief second wife as a stepmum, even the one I got on with the best. But then I had an atrocious dad who I dreaded visiting and much less often than 20%. Thank goodness he never expected me to address them as stepmum because I'd have flatly refused!

I have a mum who birthed, breastfed and raised me. That relationship can't be replicated/imitated by just dating my feckless dad for a bit

I think it’s the appropriate term to use for the new wife of a remarried father. That’s really all I think about it. It’s not really about whether you find it offensive for someone to ‘don the term mum’ because that isn’t what they’re doing, they’re just being factually described as the stepmother. If they aren’t really the stepparent of the child then it’s odd to use it.

Personally I think a step parent is one who plays a role in the child's life. I always find it weird when people refer to themselves as step parent when they only see the child EOW and even then they don't do much with them. I don't see what makes them a "parent" if they don't.

My DH is DS's stepdad, he's been in his life since he was almost 3 and is a dad to him in everything but name. There is absolutely no difference between our DS's even though one is biologically his and one isn't, both are treated the same. I know both DS and I are lucky that DH does that - DS has a relationship with his dad (albeit a distant one) so he has a bonus parent in DH.
That to me is a step parent, one who takes on a parental like role.

Well my step-mum was more of a mum to me than my mother ever was so I can’t agree with you op.

My ex has remarried, very quickly. And his new wife is pregnant. My ex has started calling new wife 'Second Mummy'. And now has my 7 yr old. I fucking hate it. I am happy that my child has another adult they are happy with, but she does absolutely bloody does not 'love him like a son'. Especially after only 18 months. She is due in 6 weeks. We'll see how things go with my child then. It shows absolute disrespect for MY relationship with my child on the part of my ex. And my child is getting drawn into conflict because of it. I say, no I am mummy, she is daddy's wife. You can call her anything you like, but she is not your mummy.

We have co-parented for over 2 years very amicably and now he asks me why I'm angry 'at everything '. I'm not. I'm angry at this. Stop this bullshit about second mummy and all will be right with the world.

Sorry to go off on a tangent....to answer your question...I don't have a problem with step-mum at all. If they are married. Either way, they are just 'Joan' or 'Sandra'. No need for more.

My DNs parents have never been together. Her father (my BIL) has never taken an active role in her life. He last saw in 2019. His wife is legally her stepmother, but is not in a parenting role either.
Her mother has been with her partner for at least 12 years. Not legally married, but live together and have children together.
DN refers to him by his name or Dad. Or uses the term stepdad when with our family (she slipped up once with the dad when with me once, and confessed Dad seemed natural as he treats her and her younger sisters the same)

The fact is that families can come in all shapes and sizes. Mum and Dad mean a lot more than just a legal or biological link... and its what the children feel that is the most important.

You know you've earned the Mum title. Dont be made to feel insecure by anyone else.

If you read the stories on here, it's very common for dad's partner to be doing more parenting than dad including looking after the kids alone or doing chores like the school run. Plus lots of them financially contribute towards their stepchildren- for example it seems very common for dad to buy stepchildren's gifts while mum buys the gifts for the shared child which is unfair. Those women are parenting imo.

My ex is remarried and our kids don't call her stepmum. She's never looked after them alone or cooked a meal etc They call her by her first name and both sides are happy with that.

Assuming they have some level of input into the child’s life then I just consider it an easy and quick way to refer to a particular relationship between an adult and a child. I don’t consider it to denote anything about the quality of that relationship, any more than dad and mum as titles necessarily indicate whether somebody is a good or bad dad or mum. It’s mostly just easier for language purposes.

I agree it’s outdated. Second marriages after a mother died were far more common.

Often for practicality. My DGM lost her mother when she was 9. Her widowed father remarried - a widow. Together they brought up the 9 children as a blended family. It was a very practical solution for both of them.

Today the mother is usually on the scene and I think we need a different word for stepmother

I agree with you Op. I also think it is an outdated term that maybe should only be used when the mother is deceased.

I’m a step mum, my step kids refer to me as their step mum and I think they started doing it when we’d been living together for a while.

I’m also a mum which happened after I became a step mum. I’ve always been quite involved as they were young when we got together. My role as their step mum takes nothing away from their mum, it’s not disrespecting her role or their relationship, I can’t see why it would.

Being a mum isn’t really different to how I thought it would be and I feel no different about the concept of step parents as a result. I have a step mum, she never did any parenting and I was a young teen when we got together. She and dad didn’t marry for 10 years but she was our step mum long before then because she was my dad’s serious, committed, cohabiting parter and part of our lives. Loads of couples never marry so I think getting hung up on that as a condition of using the step parent term is ridiculous.

I find it strange you feel your kids having a step mum or referring to her that way is an affront to you as their mum. I doubt she’s pretending to be their mother or wishes to replace you. If you’re confident in your place in their lives why is someone else so threatening?

I'm assuming the term 'step' mum or dad came about many years ago when death was much more common and if a husband or wife became widowed and would remarry hence the new wife/husband would 'step' in to parent the existing children.
suppose it is an outdated term nowadays as the natural parent is usually still living so no need for the new husband/wife to step in to parent. But it is still a common place term we use and to be honest I suppose not many people give it much thought. they're just used to parents new wife/husband being referred to as the step parent as its so commonly used.

I don't know why a parents partner needs to don the term "mum" or "dad". I find it really offensive.

My step children would find what you have said here very offensive.

And I know that everyone's situations are different and I know that partners can love those children a great deal. But I just cannot accept another person sharing my title

It's not sharing your title it is a totally separate title. Thankfully neither parent in our situation took the view you do hence everything working as the children were the priority not the adults.

I am not the childrens mother, they know it, I know it they have a perfectly wonderful mother but I am a step mother to them something entirely different as is their step dad to their dad.

Asking this gently, are you secure in your relationship with them?
To me a stepparent it just the title given after a marriage, I don't think anymore of it, some are involved stepparents some are not.
I'm wondering if it's something deeper than just the word?

I feel this.

I dont have a stepmom, as my dad never remarried (or even had a partner for long enough that he wanted us to meet), but my mom did.
My stepdad never parented me or my brother (we had a mom and a dad for that), but hes been there for over 30 years of my life.

Its just a term. Its not replacing anyone.
I just find it easier to say "my stepdad" than to say "my mothers husband".
In my language, we have words for stepdad, mum and children, but not for the extended family, like a step aunt or cousin. And it was always such a faff to refer to them as my "stepdads sister",that I refer to them as just my aunt/uncle/cousin.

It describes a relationship not the quality of the that relationship. It's not a badge of honour. There are plenty of absolutely terrible and abusive mothers out there. It doesn't change their title.

I'd be more concerned about helping to facilitate a positive relationship between the stepmother and your kids than about any perceived slight over the use of a perfectly normal title. Your kids will feel your resentment.

@SadOrWickedFairy Im sorry your children would take offence to my post which wasn't intended for them to read.

I understand it's a technical term but there is very much an emotive response behind it for many.

Im glad that many find peace with the term but for me I just don't think it's necessary. I won't be asking my children to call partner step dad.