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Original poster

How do you feel about the term "step mum"

125 replies

midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 15:00

Just that really.

You're the main care giver, dad sees children weekly but childcare is around 80/20.

OP posts:
Original poster
midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 16:18

Gorlad · 16/05/2023 16:11

It describes a relationship not the quality of the that relationship. It's not a badge of honour. There are plenty of absolutely terrible and abusive mothers out there. It doesn't change their title.

I'd be more concerned about helping to facilitate a positive relationship between the stepmother and your kids than about any perceived slight over the use of a perfectly normal title. Your kids will feel your resentment.

I don't have resentment to the person. I'm happy for them to have someone else in their life who cares about them. I just don't agree with the title and it won't be used for my partner either.

OP posts:
RaininginDarling · 16/05/2023 16:19

Gorlad · 16/05/2023 16:11

It describes a relationship not the quality of the that relationship. It's not a badge of honour. There are plenty of absolutely terrible and abusive mothers out there. It doesn't change their title.

I'd be more concerned about helping to facilitate a positive relationship between the stepmother and your kids than about any perceived slight over the use of a perfectly normal title. Your kids will feel your resentment.

This, all day long.

HeddaGarbled · 16/05/2023 16:20

I think your circumstances are making you attach emotion to accepted terminology. Like mother-in-law.

I also think we should stop trying to think up convoluted new expressions to pander to a minority of over-sensitive people when everyone understands the existing terminology. Like cervix-havers.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NewNameNigel · 16/05/2023 16:24

I don't know why a parents partner needs to don the term "mum" or "dad". I find it really offensive.

As a "step-mum" myself can I just point out that I didn't "don the term." The term existed long before I was born and I didn't chose it. It seems a bit odd that you are taking it a a personal attack against your position as a mother.

I actually have no idea of if DCS refer to me as their step-mum or not. Who cares? I think the fact that we get on well and have a good relationship is much more important that the terms we use for each other.

NewNameNigel · 16/05/2023 16:25

I just don't agree with the title and it won't be used for my partner either.

You can't really control how other people refer to your ex's wife. That's not how it works. How do plan to police other people referring to her as a step mum?

SadOrWickedFairy · 16/05/2023 16:26

and if your children decide to refer to either one as a step mum or step dad in the future what are you going to do @midnightblue12 ? Make a huge issue of it because you feel aggrieved by the term or are you going to be an adult and accept that the term does not undermine or cast doubt on your role in any way whatsoever?

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2023 16:26

It should be about the relationship to me.

If a parent remarries and their spouse plays an active role in the children's lives and is taking on some parental duties in general life then that's a step parent to me.

If a parent remarries or doesn't marry and the spouse is another adult in the household, has an amicable (hopefully) relationship with the children but is very much the parent's partner then they aren't a step parent

I might get flamed for this but I do think some adults like to use the stepparent role as a way of pushing their new partner into the children's worlds and trying to play happy families/trying to prove that their new partner is a better parent to the children than the children's actual parent.

Original poster
midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 16:30

@SadOrWickedFairy this thread isn't about my parenting in ten years time.
I'm asking how mums feel about the term step mum.

OP posts:
SadOrWickedFairy · 16/05/2023 16:30

NewNameNigel · 16/05/2023 16:24

I don't know why a parents partner needs to don the term "mum" or "dad". I find it really offensive.

As a "step-mum" myself can I just point out that I didn't "don the term." The term existed long before I was born and I didn't chose it. It seems a bit odd that you are taking it a a personal attack against your position as a mother.

I actually have no idea of if DCS refer to me as their step-mum or not. Who cares? I think the fact that we get on well and have a good relationship is much more important that the terms we use for each other.

Agree with this - when the children talk to me they use my name, when they talk about me they call me their step mum, their choice, the same with their step dad. If necessary when asked I identify myself as their step mother which is what I am by the way the term is used and understood, how else would you like me to describe myself @midnightblue12 ?

CornishGem1975 · 16/05/2023 16:31

Bimbom · 16/05/2023 15:14

Regardless of how often the dad sees them, if he's remarried then his wife is the step mum.

This.

As for using it, nobody actually says "Oh hi stepmum/stepdad" it's just a term used to reference them. It would be ridiculous for my children to talk about my husband and call him "my mums husband". Calling him that would also kind of intimate that they don't like him, which is far from the truth. He doesn't parent them, but he is their stepdad.

Don't get hung up on it just because you don't like it. How much time they spend there has zero to do with it. And quite frankly, you don't get to decide the relationship they have or the terms they use when they're not around you. If you try, well that's just shit parenting on your behalf.

SadOrWickedFairy · 16/05/2023 16:32

midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 16:30

@SadOrWickedFairy this thread isn't about my parenting in ten years time.
I'm asking how mums feel about the term step mum.

Okay, well the mum in my case felt absolutely fine about it and used it without any issues whatsoever as any sensible reasonable adult would.

NewNameNigel · 16/05/2023 16:32

midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 16:30

@SadOrWickedFairy this thread isn't about my parenting in ten years time.
I'm asking how mums feel about the term step mum.

I might start a thread saying I find the term mum offensive because I am their step mum and I feel like it's stepping in my toes.

Hobert · 16/05/2023 16:33

Step-mum doesn't imply any particular closeness or specialness or whatever it is you're bothered about though. It's just descriptive of a relationship.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/05/2023 16:37

So just out of curiosity op, What do you think of the term step brother or sister?

mysonsmother82 · 16/05/2023 16:40

My husbands daughter is 13 and I've been in her life since she was 3 has never called me step mum and I wouldn't really encourage it either, she has a mum, I'm her dads wife. We're very close and have always had a good relationship. I think it's quite an old fashioned term, fine if you want to use it but shouldn't be forced on anyone.

MissSammy · 16/05/2023 16:40

My kids have 2 step mums, technically, but really only refer to one as such. A good step mum can be a gift. Using the term step-mum doesn't take anything away from me. Im happy if they have good relationships with them both.

JadedTeal · 16/05/2023 16:41

"How do you feel about the term "step mum" - I don't feel anything really, I use the term but if someone didn't want me to I wouldn't because I don't really care one way or another.

If you don't like it don't use it, UABU if you want others to stop using it because you don't want to.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/05/2023 16:42

mysonsmother82 · 16/05/2023 16:40

My husbands daughter is 13 and I've been in her life since she was 3 has never called me step mum and I wouldn't really encourage it either, she has a mum, I'm her dads wife. We're very close and have always had a good relationship. I think it's quite an old fashioned term, fine if you want to use it but shouldn't be forced on anyone.

How do you know she doesn't call you step mum? Its only a name she would say about you, not to you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2023 16:50

If my step kids referred to me as their dad’s wife they’d be describing my relationship to/with him. When they refer to me as their step mum they’re describing their relationship to them. That’s completely normal and not hurting anyone. It wasn’t pushed on them, they started doing it by themselves.

You can’t stop your kids referring to your partner as their step dad if it’s a committed relationship and you all live together. Other people will do it for them even if they don’t initiate it.

I’d recommend unclenching about the whole thing, you’ll find things easier.

LittleCity · 16/05/2023 16:52

I agree with you OP. There’s no need for the term to be used imo. Use names or describe each other as my partners children or my dads partner etc. I think using the term parent or children, even prefixes by step, gives an expectation of how they’ll behave.

The 2 successful and happy blended families I know don’t use the term. The partners of the parents don’t try to parent the children and it works well for everyone.

SkandiSkando · 16/05/2023 16:57

Pick your battles OP, your ex has moved on and stepmother is a legal term.

Your beloved boys will have a much easier childhood if you don’t show animosity to your ex and his partner(s) over such little things.

Original poster
midnightblue12 · 16/05/2023 17:08

@NewNameNigel you're free to do that if you want to 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
LittleCity · 16/05/2023 17:09

NewNameNigel · 16/05/2023 16:32

I might start a thread saying I find the term mum offensive because I am their step mum and I feel like it's stepping in my toes.

Show quote history
Confused
larlypops · 16/05/2023 17:11

My kids call their step mum by her name but when talking of her say she’s my step mum.
they stay there every other weekend so I am their main parent but personally never bothered me.

FrillyGoatFluff · 16/05/2023 17:12

I'm a step mum. My step daughters live with me and their dad. I am intrinsically the primary carer as dad is away a lot with work.

They have no contact with their mum.

I'm NOT their mum and never will be, they have a mum, however fucking useless she may be, but I'd be pissed off to just be referred to as their 'dads wife'. I'm more than that to them and mores the point they're more than my 'husband's children' to me.

Step-mum works just fine 🤷🏻‍♀️