How do you feel about the term "step mum"

[midnightblue12]

Just that really.

You're the main care giver, dad sees children weekly but childcare is around 80/20.

I'm not going to get pissy about more people wanting to love and care for my child. How ridiculous.

I have a friend who refers to her "bonus mum"

My stepmum gave me a lot of care when I was growing up and in adulthood I'm closer to her than my mum. She's also a really hands-on grandparent to my kids. She raised me as much as either of my biological parents, so If anything, I'd rather give her a title more suggestive of the closeness of our relationship than stepmum.

I never called my self "Stepmum" the children choose to call me that, they choose to send me cards with happy birthday Stepmum on them or Christmas cards to our Dad and Stepmum. My adult children choose to call me Husband "Stepdad" No matter what anyone thinks a Woman married to a man with child is legally a Stepmother.

Bonus Mum is a really lovely term that’s used within my family. That might be an option for people who find step mum old fashioned.

I don't think of it as suggesting that they are the child's mother at all. Any more than mother in law does or grandmother. It's just a way of describing the relationship.

I also have never heard a child call their stepparent that directly "stepmum, pass the salt" or whatever, it's more "my stepmum asked me to post this letter".

I think you're making it into more than it is, it's not the same as them calling their step mum just "mum" which I would understand you finding hard

My dc have a step mother. They don’t see her a huge amount, but that it what she is, given that she is married to their father - she is therefore their step mother.

My kids are older so I wouldn't expect them to feel like their dad's partner was anything more than that, really. Nothing much to do with any of us.

I can see how younger blended families might work differently. Ideally up to the kids to decide what to call their parents new partners.

You sound lovely and I’m so happy your stepchildren have naturally called you stepmum. And the same from your adult kids to your DH.

That is definitely ideal and the best outcome for everyone all round.

I don’t know this as an adult but have seen it as a child and in DH’s family now - when it isn’t great. When the mother is still around and there’s point scoring against her by abusive ex and ow turned stepmother it can cause serious hurt and damage to the children and their mother.

I wasn’t even a main player and my step mother in law to be got me in the kitchen on my own and warned me in no uncertain terms that she’d heard I got on well with my fiancé’s mother and that would not go down well in SMIL’s household. Horrible experience, scary stuff

I'm a stepmum because I married man with DC. It is as simple as that.

They call me by my name and we all get on happily - that's all that matters here.

You obviously have strong feelings about it. Even if you don’t like the term, it might be one that your DC end up using and I hope you won’t make them feel bad about that.

It’s not an insult to you or your role in their lives. It’s just an accepted term that’s easily understood by everyone. If a football coach asks who’s picking them up, it’s going to be easier for them to say ‘my stepmum’ than, ‘Anna, she’s my Dad’s partner.’ Stepmother suggests someone they can be safely handed over to. It’s easy for them to explain their family set up to their friends - Dad and stepmother, Mum and stepfather.

It’s not necessarily something you call somebody, it’s a way of describing someone. Mother-in-law springs to mind as an equivalent.

I'm a stepmum to two, now adults. I've watched them grow up, they were toddlers when I started going out with their dad. I've never tried to take over from their mum, but she has let me know they think very fondly of me.

I've split with their dad but will alway remain their stepmum, I wouldn't ever give up on that, they are part of my life forever.

I now have a boyfriend, been with him 3 years. I get on well with his adult children, but it's not a stepparent relationship. Same with my kids, they think he's great, but as they're older they don't see him much, so I don't think they'd ever see him as a stepdad.

I'm just happy every likes each other.

My parents split when I was an adult and therefore my step mum provides no care at all. But she is my step mum because she married my dad.

That's really lovely

Well, isn't that why your ex's new partner/wife isn't called your children's mother or 'mum' without the qualification of 'step-'?

I think it's a term with a lot of cultural baggage, certainly, from Grimm's fairy tales onward. Some friends of mine who have married people with children from previous relationships opt not to use it, often because the children are older, and, while they have a very amicable relationship, it's not one that in any way approximates any kind of parent/child model, and it feels a bit ridiculous. Having said that, some of the people I know who do use the term 'step-parent' also have a friendly but definitely non-parental relationship with their partners' children. I don't think that opting to use or not use the term 'step-parent' necessarily implies anything about the quality of the relationship.

Can't possibly use that... it implies something positive... people will not like the idea a step parent could be something positive... 🙄

Thank you. We just excepted we were a blended family with many people involved. I have never played the point scoring game. My step children's mother is nice and we have no reason to dislike each other. My adult children have a step mother, who again seems lovely but they only ever call her by her name or refer to her as "my dads wife" They know i wouldn't be upset if they called her step mum but they just don't see her that way.
The way i see, the more people in a child's life to love and care for them the better but it is a shame that that is not always the case and some step parents are not that kind to the children in their care.

It’s the “-mum” part she’s baulking at so I highly doubt it…

I've been married for 9 years and my dh has 2 sons aged 11 and 13.

I've done school runs, looked after them when they're sick, read them bedtime stories, cooked for them bathed them and loved them. I'm absolutely their stepmum.

If I was a girlfriend who had nothing much to do with them and left it mainly up to my partner, then I'd call them my partners children.

It depends on the relationship.

No I don't like the term and wouldn't use it

I actually think 'Bonus Mum' sounds terrible, much worse than step mum. that really is rubbing the mothers face in it imo.

we do this as well - at the kids instigation. However, we all get on well and there is no animosity which is key. If it upset the kids mum then I would have tried to subtly change what they referred to me as out of respect to her.

That said, my son calls his step brothers and sisters mum his bonus mum as well, and I always get her a Mother’s Day card and present from me for her to say thank you for letting me be a part of their family.

My son has only met his dads partner twice in 10 years and just refers to her as his dads girlfriend. I do baulk slightly at the idea of her being called his step mum, so I appreciate my double standards. It just shows that there is no right or wrong answer though, just what fits and is most respectful in individual circumstances.

I agree with you. There seem to be some very angry people on here that have allowed their bitterness to insult and demean other people. They see no irony.
A) marriage does not make a parent. Many people never get married. Someone who has been in a dcs life for 20 years may be more of a parent than someone who has married an ex after knowing them 3 months.
B) carrying a child does not make you a good mother. Parenting makes you a good mother. Millions if adoptive mothers weep whenever people assert that they are not real mothers as they didn't carry or birth heir child.
People need to stop thinking their personal situation invalidates other people's experience. Some step parents are fabulous and better than the bio parents. Some step parents are emotionally more available. Some are not. There are no set rules.
Your experience doesn't invalidate others. People need to stop their anger making sweeping statements

OP what do you think of step-brother or step-sister? Do you feel that is an affront to biological brothers and sisters?
What about half siblings?

I’ve got a step son - most people refer to me as his step mum (including myself and DP) but we don’t make a big deal out of it, he calls me by my name.

We do 50/50 with his mum. I look after him when his Dad is at work and when we have him me and his Dad share everything - I wash his clothes, cook his dinners, make his packed lunches, I’ve cleaned up sick, comforted him when he’s sad, taken him to appointments, looked after him when he’s not well, bathed him, put him to bed, read him stories, I play with him constantly.

I may not have given birth to him but I love that little boy with my whole being and I think the title of step mum is a special one and I’m glad that I have it and his mum is very grateful that I love and care about him so much, she doesn’t have an issue with it.