How do you feel about the term "step mum"

[midnightblue12]

Just that really.

You're the main care giver, dad sees children weekly but childcare is around 80/20.

You're welcome to not like it, but from a legal standpoint, that is the title of a person married to someone who has other children. Same as your mum's sister is your aunt, regardless of how you feel about it. Kids don't run around shouting "stepmum, stepdad can i have a snack please?". They usually use first names unless the other parent is completely absent.

It's just a descriptor. If someone asks them, oh, is your mum picking you up today, "no, my stepmum is".

You sound like you'll be a nightmare if you ever find yourself in this situation. Your kids won't forget they have a mother just because their dad marries someone else

Hi @BillyNoM8s 👋🏼

Interesting that you say I'll sound like I'll be a nightmare just because I don't like the term "step parent" when you know nothing else about me!

It's ok for us all to have different opinions. I'm not attacking anyone else who doesn't agree with me, we can have a conversation without calling people names, can't we?

Also because something is legal doesn't mean I have to like it or not have an opinion on it either!

But thanks otherwise for the input! 👍🏼

But my SC's - which is what they legally are - spend 50% (minimum but that's another thread...) of their lives living in my home, in which I am a parent. So it is perfectly right for me to have a parental title. I cook for them, clean, wash and buy their clothes, do school runs, take them on outings, put them to bed, help them with every aspect of their lives- just like my DH does for my DC's.

It is entirely right that I have a parental title as I perform every function of being a parent- I'm just not Mum or Dad, I’m a step parent.

It's accurate, and fair.

That's not the same as someone the kids have barely met, not yet a stable relationship with their Mum or Dad, not living with them etc, however, stable, married, living with, and functioning as a parent (albeit on a slightly lower level than Mum/Dad) it only makes sense they have a parental role.

It's no different to granddad etc, there is a parental role involved, but still not dad.

Unless I've missed it, I still haven't seen an answer from OP regarding what she thinks of the terms 'step-brother/sister'?

I don't really have an opinion on that situation yet as not been in that position so not really generated any feelings towards it.
I don't want to say something that I don't necessarily feel. Also lots of posts on this thread so not able to respond to everything.

@midnightblue12 what will you do in practice to stop your ex's partner being referred to as step mum? Both by your chilfren and by others in conversation with you and your children.

As I said earlier, step parents don't appoint themselves step parent as some kind of accolade it's the name society gives to people married to others with children. How will you stop this happening?

It's doesn't really matter to you or others how I raise my children.
I was merely asking others opinions on the term "step mum".

I'm not going to share how I parent on here just to be shamed by a bunch of strangers on my or my ex's parenting. We have 2 very happy and very loved children who are brought up with good morals and respect and that's all you need to know.

That's a very aggressive answer to a simple question. I wasn't trying to shame you but perhaps prepare you for the reality that it's pretty much out of your control.

The way people refer to another adult is nothing to do with you but you've still started a thread on it....

@NewNameNigel it's not aggressive at all but I'm sorry if you've read it that way.
I'm not sharing how I parent because it's simply nothing to do with anyone and I have learnt a long time ago that MN will always tell you what you're doing is wrong or damaging for children. Always.

I have simply asked a question about how others feel about the term to see if others share my view. Some do, some don't. I don't need to talk about raising my children because it just isn't relevant to my question.

I have a slightly funny view because of my childhood. Mother, Father, Step-Mother, Step-Father, Grandmother and Grandfather are merely titles to me. They don’t actually mean anything about a relationship.

Whereas Mummy, Mum, Daddy, Granny, Papa, and step-Mum/step-dad signify the relationship with someone.

Anyone can be a mother or father but it takes effort to be a Mummy/Mum/Daddy/Dad.

Step-mother and step-mum are the similar. My DDs have a step-mother. She’s married to their father, but they’ve never met her. My Dss has a step-mum in me - his mum died when he was a toddler so since I married his dad (nigh on 15 years ago) I’ve been the mum figure in his life. In the beginning while we got to find our place I was his step-mother. Over time I became his step-mum.

I saw someone torn to shreds for being upset that her partner was being called "Steve-Dad" and the step dad "Dad". Heckin load of hypocrites up in here.

Anyone can be a mother or father but it takes effort to be a Mummy/ Mum/Daddy/Dad.

Respectfully, that's sentimental nonsense. All kinds of people call their awful, neglectful parents 'Mummy' and 'Dad', or have close and loving relationships with parents they call by their first names, or obscure nicknames. How you address someone doesn't imply anything at all about the quality of the relationship.

That’s why I was very clear that that’s my opinion that there’s a difference between the name for a legal relationship and the actual relationship.

My mother and father considered themselves Mum and Dad. But since they starved us, burned us with irons and were generally vile imo they were mother and father.

My grandparents who made the effort were Nana and Papa.

Ive brought up my step son from the age of 3. He sees his own mother once or twice a year and is now 21 and still lives with us at home.

He calls me by my name but also never corrects anybody who says "is that your mum?" or whatever. He occasionally calls me Mumsie.

AFAIC i am his mum as well as his step-mum as i have brought him up whilst his mum preferred firstly drugs and partying and now some weird church cult for the last 18 years. Im amazed sometimes how lovely and well rounded he is, and without any scorn for her. (BTW I have never been negative about her to him).

I donlt mind Step-mum as i am married to his dad, but we rarely use it.

MN will always tell you what you're doing is wrong or damaging for children. Always

Yup! Same for step mums. We are either over stepping and doing too much or hate out step children because we're not doing enough.

I'm not sure if the perfect middle position actually exists!

My OH's kids got a lecture from their mum about making sure they never called me mum, even by accident. So consequently I doubt they would ever refer to me as their stepmum if we ever got married.
Unfortunately it has put a real strain on the relationship between me and the DC because they feel disloyal to their mum and so our relationship has remained pretty stilted and awkward.
I feel it is really unfair on the children that they haven't been able to have a comfortable and relaxed relationship with me over the last 8 years. I have my own DC and wouldn't want to push my own insecurities down their throats.
I came into this relationship wanting to be a positive and supportive presence in my SK lives (yes, I said SK, even though we aren't married!) whilst allowing their mum and dad to parent them. I never tried to force myself on them as some sort of replacement mum, they have a perfectly good one and I made it really clear that I encouraged them to talk about her and there'd be none of the bizarre behaviour I've seen in other blended families where you can't mention the other parent.
It's a real shame that what could have been a normal, amicable set up between co parents has evolved into a strained and awkward dynamic. There was never any need for it. And I'm not the OW, just for context.

I didn't think much about it until being on MN, when I realised that a lot of people assume that if a title has "mum" or "dad" in it, it means you ARE a mum or dad. When I hear "step mum" I don't think "mum", I think "step mum", which is something much much lesser than an actual parent. It's sort of become a proper noun if you know what I mean, very much detached from it's technical meaning.

Since seeing the amount of people who jump to the conclusion that a step parent is akin to an actual parent, and should be expected to act like that in all the different ways that can entail, I do think we need a different term. I don't particularly like "bonus mum" either and I find it quite twee - perhaps I'm cynical but it just sends the message that yes, the step mum will still be expected to love and provide for their step child like they're their own child, the only difference is that mum's toes aren't being stepped on. I don't think that's right. Moving away from the term step mum should be liberating for everyone - mum doesn't feel like she's being encroached upon and step mum doesn't feel she is expected to give more than she wants to/can. Changing it to "bonus mum" addresses the former a bit, but not the latter. I don't think whatever term we use should include mum/dad.

For the record, the feeling of offence can go both ways. I'm a step mum and it offends me when people think that means I should be a mum to my step child and view him the same as my own DC.

@mauricemossmylove I think it's a shame that you feel them not calling you step mum has caused the strain on your relationship.
Your partner should be the one who is supporting you with your relationships seeing how it's his children and your partner.

Yeah I think bonus mum is a bit weird too.
I mean each to their own, if it works for you all as a family then go ahead I guess.

My dad isn't called grand dad to the children, he's called papa. He has his own reason for that. Never been an issue. Everyone just respected that's what he wanted to be called and no children were damaged and no relationship strained.

So if as co parents you agree that you don't like the term "step parents" and don't use them I don't see what the massive problem is tbh.

So you don't like step mum and think it should be changed to dad's wife etc. I have a step dad, he has been this since I was around 7, I am now 50. He is my step dad, he is not my mum's husband to me, in my relationship he is my beloved step dad. Who are you to say what I should call him?

My dad isn't called grand dad to the children, he's called papa. He has his own reason for that. Never been an issue. Everyone just respected that's what he wanted to be called and no children were damaged and no relationship strained.

I think this example kind of illustrates what I was saying about the word - granddad has Dad in it, but there isn't any implication that they are actually the child's dad. That's how I felt about step mum. But not everyone seems to see things that way, and that causes problems.

So if as co parents you agree that you don't like the term "step parents" and don't use them I don't see what the massive problem is tbh.

Yeah I think it's fine to not use them. The trouble is that it's often not handled well with the kids - child uses the term mum/step mum, either because they've heard the term elsewhere, or been encouraged to, or just wanted to - and the mum loses her cool and makes them aware this has aggravated her. Then it often becomes a problem.

Honestly, as the child of divorced parents who both remarried, I use it for my step parents for ease. Saying “my Dad’s partner” or “my mum’s husband” just feels so much clunkier than stepmum and stepdad. Neither of them would ever replace my real parents, but it is handy to have something to call them that runs off the tongue and is universally understood.

My daughter calls my new partner dad he’s been in her life since she was 2, if she’s talking about her real dad she uses daddy. She tells people she has 2 dads. My partners children are older secondary school age and don’t call me mum just use my name but if talking to their friends they use step mum. I don’t think it matters long as kids happy and loved in both homes.

As someone whos falls under the term 'step mum' I personally hate it.

I am dad's wife and before that was dad's girlfriend. My Husband and I did not request for this term to be used but both children decided they wanted to refer to me as that themselves. I am not sure if it was due to their mum's partner being called step dad they just associated it or not?

While I love that they look at me as a good role model / care giver I do everything in my power not to step on their mums toes.

They are amazing children, I love them dearly and will look after them the same as any parent. But they have a mum and a dad. Me and 'step dad' are just role models / guardians nothing more, nothing less.

Just to edit - I have been in their lives for 8 years, since they were 3 and 6. Mums partner 6 months longer so neither are short term relationships.

My children have a step mum. It’s what she is. I am their mum. No confusion whatsoever by anybody, or anyone they speak to. It’s what she is, and it’s not an issue.