How do you feel about the term "step mum"

[midnightblue12]

Just that really.

You're the main care giver, dad sees children weekly but childcare is around 80/20.

Agree. What else would you call it?

my problem with the term stepmum comes from the other side: the bit where people insist that being in a relationship with a man with children somehow makes her responsible for parenting the children - more responsible than their father in some
cases.

The mum bit doesn’t help with that. People start projecting all the gendered expectations of parenting on to a woman who is not the child’s parent. But then the ‘step’ but kicks in if she wants to have any say in anything or doesn’t like what the parents are doing.

My DS has a stepmum and I feel in no way upset by her being referred to as such. It just means ‘his dad’s wife’ and that’s exactly what she is. I can’t imagine feeling upset about that. Regardless how involved she is in the care of a teenager stuff (not very as far as I know, which is fine).

I have a now adult dsd who I've known since she was 3. We've always had a great relationship. She stayed us on weekends and holidays but her main carer was her mum.
I never referred to myself as her step mum for very, very long time but that's how she introduced me, that's what my birthday and Mother's Day cards said. That's how her mum introduced me to other people. I took my cue from them. It wasn't up to me to give myself that label. To be honest, I don't really like the term step mum because I think it often comes with negative connotations. I preferred to think of myself as her dad's wife or her brothers' mum.
Dsd is now a mum and I am Grandma to dgc. Again, that was dsd's choice.

We have these:
Step-siblings are step-siblings.
Half-siblings are just brothers and sisters.
I'm (evil) stepmum and have my stepson also referred to as "my favourite child" to piss off my own children 😁

I think it depends on the relationship between the person and the DC. It should be child led, not adult.

I refused to call my dad's wife step-mum even though he tried to force it on me, and referred to her as Granny to my DC. I put my DC straight every time. My Dad's wife, came into my life in may 20's and never once did a motherly thing for me, and to refer to her as SM and granny is a massive insult to my own mother who did everything for us.

It's difficult and I suppose very subjective and dependant upon individual circumstances.

I am very active in my DSC lives. We are 50/50. I do all of our school runs (and sometimes more) mainly due to working arrangements. I volunteer at one of their hobbies and take the other to theirs. I have a more flexible working pattern so I tend to be available for them in the school holidays when their DM and DF struggle to get time off: we have some awesome days out just the three of us.

I do refer to myself as a step mum as it's an easy way to describe my relationship with them. I am married to their dad. They do not call me mum and I wouldn't let them. They have a mum and I would find it disrespectful to her. They call me by my first name and DSS calls me 'my 'first name'' when talking to his friends, which I find really sweet!

I don't think the majority of 'step mums' mean to cause any offence but I can see how it might. From my perspective I'm proud to be in their life and play even a small part.

I asked this yesterday but it was conveniently ignored.

Depends what impact they have to the child in my opinion. My ex husbands wife has no input to our child, he doesn't call her step mum or think of her as one. She's just called her name. Works for us.

No child addresses a stepmum as ‘stepmum’. Or at least that would be unusual.

Its a role description not a ‘name’.

They aren't sharing your title if they are the step mum because you are their mum.

I don’t see why you’d be bothered by this. You’re still your children’s mum regardless of how their father’s partner is referred to.

I’m a step mum. The only time it’s ever used it when my step daughter refers to me outside the house - it’s not something we really use otherwise, she just calls me by my name. Although sometimes she does call me her wicked step mother - that’s what she writes on Mother’s Day cards 🤣

She has her mum, which I will never be. But I am certainly more to her than ‘dad’s wife’ considering I do everything for her that I do for my biological daughter when she is here (50/50) - wash clothes, cook, take to clubs, chat to, hang out with etc. I love her with all my heart, I did before I became a mum and still do afterwards!

A step mum never replaces mum, it’s just words :)

I don't like it. I think it confers a level of expectation and obligation that is unreasonable and sets the whole situation up to fail.

Step mum should only really apply to women who look after the children of their partners full time.

If the children's mum is alive and present in their lives then the role 'step mum' is completely redundant.

True. But he doesn't consider her anything but his dads wife. That's it in his eyes. Not considered a step mum

I would go with whatever the children want to call parents/partners/ or girl/boy friend whatever

My stepkids would disagree with you.

They had a traumatic early start, their mother doesn't bother with them and emotionally manipulates them when she is around. If they could sack her off and call me mum then they honestly would. They call me by my name and refer to me as step mum because that's what I am. If my DH dropped dead tomorrow they'd want to live with me.

It doesn't bother me what my label is, it definitely bothers them.

Surely people do whatever works for their personal circumstances.

Some people have terrible relationships with their birth parents.

Speaking as a step dad…. Although to be honest, one of my girls calls me dad, the other step dad, after 12 years of being there for them.

The biological dad floats in and out of their life, as it suits him. he is more concerned about ‘how it looks’ in his dealings than the impact on his children. He gets a new partner, he gets involved with his first kids for 2 months, when he has big family things, like a wedding (including his own) he makes an effort to woo his girls back and then pay for dresses and transport to the event - then they don’t hear from him for 6 months, in one case he went 6 years without contact.

I met mum about 3 months after their separation, treaded very carefully, allowed the kids to determine their terminology for me, chose not to be hurt when in the early stages strangers would mention “you’re dad” in relation to me, and they would shout “he’s not my dad”. (Decided to own that, and get in earlier and say, I’m not their dad or I’m mums boyfriend).

12 years on, dad, step/dad whatever, I think it meant something once, but I think of them as my daughters, I will likely pay for their house deposits, weddings, I have two grandchildren from them and I’m referred to as grandad by the one who still uses step. I think the only bit that might hurt is the walking down the aisle bit, because I expect one of them to ask sperm doner as they refer to him.

Labels. We can choose to be upset, but actions always speak louder for me.

Love my daughters, even if I’m not their biological father.

My eldest has a step mum. She has always been there for him when he's at their house. We've not always seen eye to eye but think that's fairly normal.

I also am a step mum. When dsc are here, we're a family. Dsc prefers me to take them clothes shopping, or wash their hair, help with homework, the small things.
Im not in anyway replacing their dm at all. But i am a SM.
But ive welcomed them into my home, with my family, they are treated exactly the same as my dc, whether that be treats, days out 1:1 time. Equallyif they do something out of line they have same consequences as my /our dcs.

That’s all a ‘stepmum’ is. Really. It just means dad’s wife.

The term is misleading. And often doesn’t suit anyone involved (except perhaps men who want to stamp their feet a demand childcare and housekeeping service on the basis ‘you’re their stepmum’).

I don't know, does it just mean 'dad's wife'?
For me it's more than that.
That's why my kids don't have a stepmum, their dad just has a partner. Nothing really to do with them at all (they are older)

I am either dad's wife or my first name. I hate being called step mum and have no interest in being titled as one.

They have a mum so no need for me to be a "bonus mum". The kids are my husbands discussed as his and I don't introduce them as my step children.

I probably sound like a Disney villain

It's fine, my daughter has a stepmum and a stepdad - both been in her life since she was a baby.

I don't have a problem with my ex having a partner and I love the idea of my children having another person who cares about them in their life.
I don't however think that person needs to have a parental title. Obviously as I said in my OP every situation is different and I get that some wonderful people stand up and pick up the peices and those people are truely admirable, however, in the situation where both parents are active I just don't feel partners needs parental titles.
I have taken what a lot of you have said on board and I obviously have a very sentimental attachment to being a mum and i wear that name like a badge of honour. You have to remember we all have different stories and experiences which make us feel certain ways.
Anyway we will see what the future holds.

But you would need a title by default anyway, otherwise it would be fathers wife? Everyone does just as a descriptor otherwise it would be very confusing ...?

I also think of it just as a descriptor.

My DC refer to their step mum by name to her face and to me, but will mention her as ‘step mum’ to people who don’t know her. I also use the boy’s step mum to refer to her. She’s their dad’s long term partner and their half sister’s mother so I don’t think it necessarily related to being married either.

Have to say it has never bothered me before, not sure I’d even thought about it being hurtful/offensive until this thread.