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Original poster

So embarrassed can’t show my face here again

114 replies

Ohalpro · 15/05/2023 00:09

Being vague because this is outing. I help to organise an annual event locally. Lots of people help out but I’m the only one who’s been doing it consistently for 10 years

its a community event and I thought I was doing something for the community. I even used to say that it made me feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life

Anyway. Today I found out that people think I have taken over and ruined things. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I have never done anything unilaterally for this event but I have taken responsibility, especially since covid.

I am so ashamed that I ever thought I belonged here. These people are my near neighbours. How can I show my face? I thought I was doing something for us all but all the time everyone was secretly hating me. I want to move, start again. I hate myself

OP posts:
Changeforachange · 15/05/2023 00:15

Oh gosh, whatever has happened here it sounds so hurtful. I'm sorry.

Firstly, you needn't feel ashamed or embarrassed and certainly don't hate yourself. You were doing a good thing, putting time and effort into your community.

Is it really 'everyone' or is it a clique of 3-4 who have got their arses in their hands?

NewAnon · 15/05/2023 00:15

Oh OP, I bet it's more like 'some people' - there will often be a bunch of bitter assholes in any community group.

People who don't like people (women) who have the confidence to try to make an impact, or who challenge their tired and staid status quo.

These people aren't worth a second thought. I know it's hard, embarrassing and hurtful, but really - it's a them problem.

Hold your head high, find something else to share your time with, and fuck 'em.

Zorya · 15/05/2023 00:16

I think those people have been childish, ungrateful, and unkind. You thought you were doing something good, and it doesn’t sound like anyone else has spoken to you about doing things differently, or wanting to “take charge” instead. You’re not a mind-reader.
You are not the one who should be ashamed of your behaviour.
Perhaps you should ask them why no one has spoken up?

pickd · 15/05/2023 00:38

You haven't done anything wrong. Unfortunately some people are only happy when they're bitching about others. If they really had an issue with you then they're quite capable of talking to you. If all they're going to do is gossip between themselves then don't even worry about it. It's their issue, not yours.
Sounds like you've been really kind and thoughtful all these years, please don't let their unhappiness rub off on you.
Big hugs OP Flowers

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 15/05/2023 01:22

Easier for me to say than for you to do - but don’t take it personally. In a way, it’s a compliment because the moaners are jealous of what you’ve achieved, yet they will not for a moment think to help or do something nice for anyone else.
You are not one of them. You are strong, independent and capable. Don’t give them free rent living inside your head. Be proud of what you’ve done and achieved and (if you want to) continue to do so.

Dungaree · 15/05/2023 01:31

There's always someone at these groups complaining. It doesn't mean you have done anything embarrassing. I'd leave them to it.

mushroommummy · 15/05/2023 01:36

I’ve worked in the community for years, this is a common theme. Unfortunately some people never have a good word to say about others and it seems to stem from their own insecurities and jealousy.

Gallathea · 15/05/2023 01:48

mushroommummy · 15/05/2023 01:36

I’ve worked in the community for years, this is a common theme. Unfortunately some people never have a good word to say about others and it seems to stem from their own insecurities and jealousy.

This.

Hold your head high, love.

People love to complain. The same people wouldn't lift a finger given the opportunity, they just want to pretend they'd do a better job.

You do belong, they're just jealous.

MrsAvocet · 15/05/2023 01:54

Yes, i am also sure it is some people, not the entire community. There are always people like this. Usually the first to complain and the last to volunteer.
I have been in similar circumstances and I know it does hurt but I have developed a thick skin and now I just say "Oh, ok, if you're not happy that's fine. Over to you..."
Frantic back pedalling usually ensues immediately.
I know it is easier said than done, especially if you are feeling a bit vulnerable, but rise above it, there is almost certainly a silent majority in your community who don't feel this way at all.

lunar1 · 15/05/2023 02:02

If anyone felt this way they could have spoken to you. It sounds more like they enjoyed complaining. You have done nothing wrong by the sounds of it.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/05/2023 02:11

I am also sure it is some people, not the entire community. There are always people like this. Usually the first to complain and the last to volunteer.

Absolutely. Not willing to step up themselves, but very free with criticisms and complaints.

OP, if this is something that you enjoy don't let a few gossipy whiners run you off. Next time you're organizing something send out an email saying something like "As I don't want to seem like I'm 'taking over', I'd like some input/suggestions/volunteers...". You very likely won't hear a peep, but can't be accused of running a one-woman-show.

greenspaces4peace · 15/05/2023 02:18

Stay strong, whatever you’ve done has been helpful, and probably appreciated by most.
It is a very common issue in groups.
try and learn something from the experience maybe be open to new members or other ideas. All while continuing to do your best.

mightymam · 15/05/2023 11:17

Is this the community book club you help organise and you were responsible for creating icebreaker activities for new recruits? Apologies if not but there was a very similar thread to yours quite recently.

Original poster
Ohalpro · 15/05/2023 14:52

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I’m so hurt but trying to focus on other things. I feel such an idiot!

@mightymam no that’s not me - this is more of a family event, like a street party

OP posts:
HolyFuckerRooney · 15/05/2023 15:03

That's so hurtful, who told you this? I'm sure most people are very grateful to you

CoronationKicking · 15/05/2023 15:06

I'd be willing to bet that this is one spiteful neighbour spreading things that just aren't true.

LighthouseCat · 15/05/2023 15:08

I know I would react the same way and feel so hurt etc. but listen to us who are looking more objectively at it: it will likely have been one or two envious/petty individuals who like nothing better than a grumble. Please don't let this get you down or stop you making an effort for your community. I'm sure many really appreciate it.

Saucemonkey · 15/05/2023 15:09

You have done 10 years, now time to move into something else. That will let the other gossiping people now know how hard it is to organise an event when they have to take it over.
i would say that you don’t want to hog the event seeing as there are people who are keen to take over, then quit. Hold your head up high, you have done a lovely thing!

Strathyre · 15/05/2023 15:13

I agree with previous posters - it won't be everyone, it will be a small number. Some people are very good at convincing themselves and others that they speak for everyone, but it doesn't make it true. People like this can be quite intimidating and difficult to speak out against. I've been on the receiving end of this at work and it's horrible.

The feeling you have will fade.

Paperbagsaremine · 15/05/2023 15:14

Really everybody?
Or just "some people"?
Because we all know that some people can be dicks sometimes. Even ourselves on occasion;)

Stop and think OP.
If it's someone you have every reason to respect having a gentle word with you that maybe you would ideally be doing stuff a bit differently - hey, fair enough. Listen, reflect, change.

But...

If it's randoms who do nowt but bitch and gossip ... I would say, treat their opinions accordingly. Sure it might be hurtful but you can't fix stupid.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/05/2023 15:15

Saucemonkey · 15/05/2023 15:09

You have done 10 years, now time to move into something else. That will let the other gossiping people now know how hard it is to organise an event when they have to take it over.
i would say that you don’t want to hog the event seeing as there are people who are keen to take over, then quit. Hold your head up high, you have done a lovely thing!

I'd be doing this. Sorry, OP. It must feel so shit 😪

mainbrochus · 15/05/2023 15:16

I have run charity events many times and can tell you that someone always complains, and they very rarely do it to your face, but always in the guise of ‘some people think that ……..’

I promise that your neighbours are just jealous, and they like to complain. Whatever you had done, if you’d left it then they’d say ‘oh I can’t believe Ohalpro just left the event, what a cow !’.

you could ask them directly for feedback or offer to give them the reins. Tho then there is the danger they’ll not do anything then leave you pick it up all again.

Haters gotta hate. You did a thing, be proud of yourself and ignore them.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 15/05/2023 15:17

Please don't be embarrassed. I bet there more people who appreciate what you do than there are critics.

A local businessman fell foul of the community arseholes for some of the stuff he organised for years. Off his own hard work, some of his own money and the rest raised through charming other businesses for donations he arranged for Christmas lights for the local high street and a community Christmas event.

It ran wonderfully for about 5 years, then the critics started wading in. Unsurprisingly he stopped and asked on social media who was taking over so they could store the lights for the community to use for the following Christmas because he wasn't paying for their storage anymore. Also unsurprisingly there was complete radio silence. Not one person or business was willing to take over because it was such a huge job that he'd been doing completely for free. It's all gone to ruin now and I can't see it ever restarting.

If you feel you need to step away, then do so with your head held high. Let the critics run the event and see how little reward they get for their time - they'll be expecting gratitude and plaudits but are more likely to be criticised themselves.

HatchetJob · 15/05/2023 15:21

I would step down and just say, I’ve done my turn, I think it’s time to let others have a go. It may fall to pieces but sometimes that’s the only way.

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 15:21

Don't be upset

Lots of people will appreciate your help

Obviously now is the time to take a step back and let others do the hard work moving forward

Don't give a reason just say you no longer have the time

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