So embarrassed can’t show my face here again

[Ohalpro]

Being vague because this is outing. I help to organise an annual event locally. Lots of people help out but I’m the only one who’s been doing it consistently for 10 years

its a community event and I thought I was doing something for the community. I even used to say that it made me feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life

Anyway. Today I found out that people think I have taken over and ruined things. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I have never done anything unilaterally for this event but I have taken responsibility, especially since covid.

I am so ashamed that I ever thought I belonged here. These people are my near neighbours. How can I show my face? I thought I was doing something for us all but all the time everyone was secretly hating me. I want to move, start again. I hate myself

I live in a village and I can assure you that people like you are totally invaluable and well respected by just about everybody. You always get a few nasty people but don't live your life being measured by them. If you enjoy what you do, ignore these nasty people. They're just jealous.

I'm sorry they've upset you. nasty.

However, as practically everyone has said, it'll just be the few gobby ones that like to bitch whilst doing Jack shit.

Did you enjoy organising it, or did it become a chore you could do without?

Have a think about whether you want to keep doing it, or stop. Then have a conversation with other neighbours.

I expect most of them are happy that you take charge & organise it each year.

I totally agree. I have done a few community things since moving to my village and this sort of moaning does happen. Usually by people who haven’t ever volunteered themselves.

It is absolutely impossible to keep everyone happy. I used to be a wedding and events manager and the stupid things people complain about....I mean I could write a book on the subject.

People don't realise what has to happen in the background for these events to happen. And there is an order things need to get done in. And a way things need to happen. It sounds like these people just want the glory but don't understand the work you do.

Since this is a voluntary thing, pull out and let them handle it. You've done nothing wrong but they need to experience what it's like without you before they appreciate you

2 thoughts:

Is there a way you can step aside gracefully, and start something which is totally your baby? That way you can do the whole community angle and run it totally your way, with all of the enthusiasm that shines through your post. If you weren't invested, it wouldn't have hit you so hard.

Less welcome thought, sometimes things have run their time. I don't want to be too outing either, but something that I am a part of is coming to the end of its life in its current form. I think it will continue, but most likely in a smaller form.

Don't let them grind you down!

It'll be one person . That's all OP, you always get one person who bitches.

What you say is 'ive heard that others want to take the reigns for the next time so I'm gl
stepping back so they can have a shot'. Then step back. Don't do anything.

Bet that same person calls you a lazy arse for not helping. I guarantee it.

This isn't about you. Please don't take it to heart that you're chewing over it for ages.

Most people will be grateful OP, you won't hear that so much though.

Similar happened with our parents and teachers association, one loud group of mums thought they could do much better than the lady who treated it like her full time job for years. Turns out they couldn't at all and quickly stepped back.

These things always look easy from the outside and some are quick to moan.

Carry on if you enjoy it, of course invite ideas from the wide group and let others contribute. You will not please everyone though best to take with a pinch of salt.

That said I'd be sorely tempted to announce you are taking a year out for some personal reasons and ask who is taking over the reins in your absence..

There are always people that think they can do better themselves. Is really everybody that thinks this or just one person?

Has attendance dramatically dropped since you became involved? If not then you haven't ruined anything, and I guarantee far more people appreciate your work than not.

Some people just don't like change.

Is there a way you can measure whether or not you've been successful with facts rather than gossip?

A bit tricky without knowing what the event is but for example, have participant numbers increased? If it's a charity event has the amount raised increased? Is there a participant survey which might give a wider view?

I wouldn’t lose sleep over this.

In my experience there’s always people who love to complain and bitch about anything they can. They’re also often the first to point out someone’s “mistakes” yet can never take responsibility for their own.

Just because they’re the loudest doesn’t mean they’re right or their view is shared by others.

Has someone whose opinions you value taken you aside and said ‘everyone is upset and no/one wants to attend as a result of what you’ve done’?

If not, and you’re just hearing rumours, then I guarantee it’s a few moaning minnies who complain about everything and want it all done their way - but won’t lift a finger to make it happen.

That saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ is very often true when it comes to organising community events - that’s why so few people take on the organisation of them.

As Midge Maisel would say, tits up - and fuck ‘em.

And this is why I restrict my organising to paid commercial stuff- anything with a community element seems to attract criticism from a load of bored moaners

Keep in mind that the ones complaining about you 'taking over' might well be using this as their excuse for not doing more themselves. Wait and see how active they are (and for how long) after you step away. They will need a new excuse!

People will always say stuff, they're never the ones with better ideas. Just brush it off. They'll be 10 people very grateful for the 1 moaner.
How many people have thank you for the event or said something positive? I'm sure it's been lots over the years. Remember those, not the couple mean ones.
If someone genuinely thought you'd ruined it and wanted to change it, they would've.

This

Pls don’t take one or two twatty people’s opinions ruin all the hard work and dedication you have put into this event. There will always be those who want to bring you down to their level. Head up and carry on and keep being you. Fuck them. Pricks.

I think @SirChenjins has it spot on. Who was it told you this? Was it a trusted friend who told you this with advice on how to take this information, or was it someone who would t necessarily have your best interest at heart ?

I do a lot of community events. There are always one or two moaners - I have even had hate mail from one desperate soul. Don't let them run you off if you enjoy doing it. You can guarantee the moaning minnies won't step up and do any actual work. When you stick your head above the parapet you can be sure that some lazy cunt will try to shoot it off. Stand firm.

I'm willing to bet that if you were to step back, the people doing the complaining won't fill the void.

I wouldn’t take it to heart, OP. Some people possibly/probably do think this. Others will be delighted at whatever changes you’ve instituted. Most people won’t have a strong opinion either way, or just feel vague relief someone else is doing the donkey work. But I would say that you should be organising whatever it is because you think it’s a worthwhile event in itself, not in expectation of general gratitude — that way madness lies!

WHY are groups of people so like this, do you think? It’s such a clear pattern, one of the reasons I can never be bothered to lead volunteer things (perfectly happy to do grunt work in the background and not complain about it!)

Sometimes I find the destructive patterns people can’t help themselves engage in fascinating.

As others have said, it will just be one or two miserable bastards who like to complain about everything. In my experience they are the least likely to take any responsibility for anything as that could open them up to criticism. And they just want to opportunity to watch from afar and point out all the things (they think) have been done wrong.

I am very curious though to know what you have heard and how? If it is one person who has said something like 'some people think....' 'a number of people have commented....' then it might well be the opinion of the person telling you which they are trying to dress up as representative of others when it isn't

This sounds much like what I used to hear when I was organising school PTA events. I started off on the periphery, and got more involved as the years went by, and by the end I was organising things myself. I expect some people bitched about me but I don’t know for sure.

However, there was another Mum who joined and started helping. She was brilliant - didn’t have a job so she had more spare time than I did, and worked so so hard getting stuff done for the school events. She was confident and strong and generally an all-round asset to the PTA.

But astoundingly, quite a few parents took against her, and felt she was trying to take over events. These were invariably parents who barely helped, and would offer to do some tiny job at the 11th hour, having done nothing in the preparation. Yet somehow they felt indignant that someone was taking control. I think it made them feel uncomfortably aware of how useless they were, so they directed that discomfort at the helpful Mum.

After I left they basically hounded her out, she felt so unwelcome she moved her child elsewhere. It’s a few years now, but the last I heard they PTA were really struggling to find parents who’d help. Serves them right.

There's always a couple of people who will moan no matter what.

We had a community group (run totally by volunteers) that closed after receiving one too many complaints - now everyone complains that there's no community group anymore 🤦🏻‍♀️