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Original poster

So embarrassed can’t show my face here again

114 replies

Ohalpro · 15/05/2023 00:09

Being vague because this is outing. I help to organise an annual event locally. Lots of people help out but I’m the only one who’s been doing it consistently for 10 years

its a community event and I thought I was doing something for the community. I even used to say that it made me feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life

Anyway. Today I found out that people think I have taken over and ruined things. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I have never done anything unilaterally for this event but I have taken responsibility, especially since covid.

I am so ashamed that I ever thought I belonged here. These people are my near neighbours. How can I show my face? I thought I was doing something for us all but all the time everyone was secretly hating me. I want to move, start again. I hate myself

OP posts:
MomFromSE · 15/05/2023 18:15

Unless there was a vote on the community WhatsApp group I doubt its everyone and whoever told you was very rude if they put it that way.

If you've actively blocked other people helping / ignored ideas / made huge unilateral changes etc then its probably worth some reflection. However, these things are typically fairly thankless tasks that people are grateful someone is willing to pick up!

Strawberrypicnic · 15/05/2023 18:18

You sound like you have too much self awareness for this to have happened in the way they are claiming! Someone has to 'take charge' of these things to some extent otherwise they don't happen at all, unfortunately you then become an easy target for bitching (for a small number of individuals) even if you're genuinely doing your best. Just step away quietly, no excuse, no apology needed. Don't linger on it, it's not worth it.

Paq · 15/05/2023 18:20

Take a moment to check in whether you have genuinely worked for the common good. Not all volunteers are a positive force, I've left community groups because of issues ranging from incompetence to downright fraud. Some have a very fixed idea about what an event/activity/service should be, even if their constituents need something different.

oakleaffy · 15/05/2023 18:21

Gallathea · 15/05/2023 01:48

This.

Hold your head high, love.

People love to complain. The same people wouldn't lift a finger given the opportunity, they just want to pretend they'd do a better job.

You do belong, they're just jealous.

Show quote history

A thousand times this!!

You are very brave@Ohalpro
Stand tall above your detractors.

Channel your inner Linda Snell ( From the Archers)

Don’t let the whingers bring you down!

HappenedHere · 15/05/2023 18:29

I have been in your situation OP. At the time I had no idea that people could behave like that. It devastated me. I was an active community volunteer who was really focused on the role itself. I later found out that a small group of ladies really didn’t like me. I left the role and would think twice about volunteering for the community so actively again.

I should note that these ladies weren’t prevented from volunteering. There was plenty for them to do and they had lots of opportunities to take part but did not.

HappenedHere · 15/05/2023 18:45

Inadvertentlyspring · 15/05/2023 15:59

WHY are groups of people so like this, do you think? It’s such a clear pattern, one of the reasons I can never be bothered to lead volunteer things (perfectly happy to do grunt work in the background and not complain about it!)

Sometimes I find the destructive patterns people can’t help themselves engage in fascinating.

Yes I want to know too!

Manichean · 15/05/2023 19:22

OP you are one of the good ones, don't let the twats grind you down.

CoronationKicking · 15/05/2023 20:22

I've got a role where we have to be very active on social media. I'm criticised left right and centre by the same old trolls over and over again.

Fuck them OP, they don't speak for everyone and they're just doing it to be nasty.

CombatBarbie · 15/05/2023 20:28

And I'll bet those "people" are the keyboard warriors whinging about everything but never offering to help out.

blacksax · 15/05/2023 22:52

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/05/2023 17:02

Sorry to hear this OP.

How did you receive the feedback? I ask as a few times in my life I've been told "Everyone thinks X about you Koba" and later I've found out that's not true but was the person saying it had an agenda whether to hurt me or get me to move aside as they wanted what I had / was doing.

That's what I was thinking. Sometimes the kindly bearer of bad news who tells you what other people are saying is the shit-stirrer behind it.

Whyhellodaffodil · 15/05/2023 23:00

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 15/05/2023 15:17

Please don't be embarrassed. I bet there more people who appreciate what you do than there are critics.

A local businessman fell foul of the community arseholes for some of the stuff he organised for years. Off his own hard work, some of his own money and the rest raised through charming other businesses for donations he arranged for Christmas lights for the local high street and a community Christmas event.

It ran wonderfully for about 5 years, then the critics started wading in. Unsurprisingly he stopped and asked on social media who was taking over so they could store the lights for the community to use for the following Christmas because he wasn't paying for their storage anymore. Also unsurprisingly there was complete radio silence. Not one person or business was willing to take over because it was such a huge job that he'd been doing completely for free. It's all gone to ruin now and I can't see it ever restarting.

If you feel you need to step away, then do so with your head held high. Let the critics run the event and see how little reward they get for their time - they'll be expecting gratitude and plaudits but are more likely to be criticised themselves.

I think you might live near me @LittleLegsKeepGoing as that sounds really familiar, I agree, it’s really sad :(

tailinthejam · 15/05/2023 23:03

"...all the time everyone was secretly hating me."

This sounds very much like what bullies do. The bully tells their victim: "Nobody likes you, they told me. They all hate you because...." and the poor victim believes every word of it.

MomFromSE · 16/05/2023 09:02

Whyhellodaffodil · 15/05/2023 23:00

I think you might live near me @LittleLegsKeepGoing as that sounds really familiar, I agree, it’s really sad :(

Show quote history

Why are people like this?! Its so awful

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/05/2023 21:54

HappenedHere · 15/05/2023 18:29

I have been in your situation OP. At the time I had no idea that people could behave like that. It devastated me. I was an active community volunteer who was really focused on the role itself. I later found out that a small group of ladies really didn’t like me. I left the role and would think twice about volunteering for the community so actively again.

I should note that these ladies weren’t prevented from volunteering. There was plenty for them to do and they had lots of opportunities to take part but did not.

It's always the way.

Plenty of complaining, but not prepared to put the effort in.

I used to act as secretary for a committee and one woman constantly complained about my minutes ("too detailed" "took too long to read"). SHe'd worked in Big Business and this wasn't how minutes were done.

Maybe they weren't perfect but I didn't want to miss anything out. In the end I handed her my notepad and the her to get on with it as I'd love to see how "proper" minutes looked.

I haven't taken a minute since (thank heavens - I hated that job). Four people rotate it now and none of their minutes are as good as mine, and jobs don't get done because nobody knows who's supposed to be implementing decisions because it's rarely minuted. I don't care.

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