Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

So embarrassed can’t show my face here again

114 replies

Ohalpro · 15/05/2023 00:09

Being vague because this is outing. I help to organise an annual event locally. Lots of people help out but I’m the only one who’s been doing it consistently for 10 years

its a community event and I thought I was doing something for the community. I even used to say that it made me feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life

Anyway. Today I found out that people think I have taken over and ruined things. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I have never done anything unilaterally for this event but I have taken responsibility, especially since covid.

I am so ashamed that I ever thought I belonged here. These people are my near neighbours. How can I show my face? I thought I was doing something for us all but all the time everyone was secretly hating me. I want to move, start again. I hate myself

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 15/05/2023 16:18

People grumbling about everything sounds about par for the course with things like this.

Just leave them to do it next time.

Lochjeda · 15/05/2023 16:19

I hate people that comment negatively like this about someone who is proactive and has put the effort in to organising something. Id like to see them having done it. Why don't you change it around then, put out the feelers to see if they want to have a meeting and then offer them the chance to take over this year and say you will step down as have too much going on. See what they say then.

Qbish · 15/05/2023 16:24

I'm going to go a bit against the grain here. Have you taken over? Might there be other people who would like to step forward, maybe do things a bit differently, or who have new ideas, who don't feel able to as you have always run the event?

This could be a good chance to broaden the event to other input. You can graciously take a small step back, and let others take on some of the responsibility.

Outdamnspot23 · 15/05/2023 16:24

I really don't know why some people have this reaction but as many others have already said - it's a thing. My family member stepped in to save a community event that was being shut down due to finance problems (the money was doubtless just resting in the previous organiser's account...) - and although presumably the hundreds of people who enjoy it were very happy it continued, he got so much shit from a mouthy few it was unbelievable, he lost people he thought were friends over it who said he'd taken over and ruined it.

Some people would happily bitch anything into the ground and have us living in a miserable wasteland of no parties, no events, no festivals, no sports, no joy.

So head up OP, speak to your real friends about it and next year if you want to make it bigger and better than ever, tell your mean neighbours they have no obligation to come.

SeeYaPals · 15/05/2023 16:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

gymwars · 15/05/2023 16:30

I would take a bet that there's just a couple of bitter gobshites who didn't like the fact that you've done a good job and have been vocal about it. The rest of the community are probably very appreciative of your efforts!

MumMcphee · 15/05/2023 16:30

Life’s too short for worrying about what everyone thinks, let it go and carry on as normal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/05/2023 16:31

Hold your horses, OP. You've been doing this for 10 years? And some people in the community now, after all this time, think you've 'taken over and ruined it'? Were those nay-sayers ever interested in managing or helping to manage this event themselves? I ask because there are a lot of people about who take an enormous amount of pleasure to veto and put their 'stamp of disapproval' on whatever they can. They would never do whatever task it is but, they rain on it because they can?

Could this be what has happened here?

I never say that an OP should be more specific about something when they want to be anonymous but in this case, I think you should be very specific as you have nothing to lose. You won't be doing the task anymore (I presume?) but if you can lay your ghosts to rest by talking about it in specific then that would give you peace.

You owe these people nothing and, if they're here and read/recognise you then that can only be to the good - you tried to do a good thing and they should read about it and feel ashamed.

I understand if you don't want to, OP, but know that there's a reason for the phrase 'no good deed goes unpunished'...

porridgeisbae · 15/05/2023 16:31

@Ohalpro I really doubt that most people feel that way about all the stuff you've done.

But running stuff can be stressful and you also run into nasty people with egos and internal politics. I've organized stuff in the past and wouldn't again. x

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/05/2023 16:31

Such a common issue. Please don't take it personally. I have volunteered for pta and been on my sport committees. At agms you just sit at the front in the firing line (wondering why you bothered) whilst insults are thrown at the decisions you made - that no-one else offered imput on, and work you did - that no-one else got off their arses to help with. It should be the members feeling embarrassed @Ohalpro, not you.

umscho · 15/05/2023 16:36

Why are they saying you're overtaking?
Are you dismissing input from other organisers?

3luckystars · 15/05/2023 16:37

This often happens. You get hurt and leave and everyone will complain to the next person that you did a better job.

what was said and by whom. I would not give up, I would have a meeting and ask for all comments and suggestions for improvements, a volunteer for a new coordinator and welcome all new ideas but STAY ON AND HELP OUT. Don’t give up if this is just a spiteful few who made these comments.

tailinthejam · 15/05/2023 16:37

Today I found out that people think I have taken over and ruined things.

How did you find out?

cakewench · 15/05/2023 16:39

First of all, I agree with the others here, you are NOT the one who should feel embarrassed here.

Second, I think this sort of moaning is par for the course with a few people. It's probably just a few but if you're like me, that'll be enough. You're giving your time and energy to this event, for the benefit of everyone. You should not be being made to feel like shit about it.

I highly recommend stepping down after the event. Do an email of FB post or however your group communicates, say you're proud of the event but it's time for them to find someone new to do your role.

I can practically guarantee that the moaners won't be the ones putting their hands up, btw.

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 16:40

You allways come across a couple of whiney ungrateful useless Arseholes 💩💩💩in this life
@Ohalpro

they either feel discomfort at the fact you are dynamic get things done achiever, and it makes them realise how little they have accomplished in their entire lives so far,

Or
and
they feel bit/somewhat envious jealous that you are more capable, good people's skills ect,
it makes them feel bit/somewhat a lot, inadequate irritating so, gets under the skin,

they can't handle their feelings properly ect, so need to make you feel a bit 💩in some way, so they feel better about themselves ect.

drpet49 · 15/05/2023 16:41

Not necessarily. I would love to hear the other side to this then form an opinion. OP thinks she’s made it better. That is subjective.

brightspice · 15/05/2023 16:43

Snipers. Ignore them. It's so easy to complain and much harder to 'do'.

They know who you are. They know what you do. They could easily get involved in a proactive way but have they?

Nope. Thought not.

I help organise a mini conference every year around a hobby interest. It's me and 2 others who do most of the work. I love to get involved and enjoy it.

Then last year one of the people who used to attend (hadn't been for a little while) said something along the lines of 'it might be good to put more thought into the date, location and agenda so it worked for more people' (ie him and his wife), but gave no suggestions as to how. As though we hadn't already been doing that (we had been actively canvassing opinion etc from the group) but he kind of swanned in with this one comment then swanned out. Happily my other 2 co-organisers seemed more incensed than I was!

Needless to say we didn't give much weight to his opinion.

itsgettingweird · 15/05/2023 16:45

Well you've done it for years.

Who else has taken control?

Next time everyone meets to arrange it I'd say out loud "I'm going to take a step back this year as a I'm aware some people think I've taken over. I'm happy to a job if asked".

Then step back. Enjoy the event with your friendly neighbours and DO NOT give any advice or contacts or help beyond this.

However - I expect when you say that most people will disagree and want you to step up again this year. This is where you decide whether you want to or not?

If you do then you say "I was very hurt to hear those comments but it seems it's a few who aren't actually willing to step in so I can step back so I'll do it this year but absolutely will not continue if anymore comments are made"

If you don't then say "I'm not willing to support something to be spoken badly about behind my back. It's a shame those who have been saying it aren't willing to step in now. But someone will have to"

WilkinsonM · 15/05/2023 16:48

Think about Lynda snell in the archers...people tried to take over the annual show and village events and then found they were crap at it and needed Lynda after all...I bet none of the people moaning about you would do half as good a job as you've done!

FortofPud · 15/05/2023 16:49

I doubt anyone has ever pulled off an event of more than 10 people where there wasn't someone who had some negative comment or other. The more people, the higher the number of grumbles. It's just statistics, not you! The unfortunate bit is that you heard so it's knocked your confidence. See it through, keep you head held high (because remember the majority will be v happy with your efforts) and reassess your feelings for next year when the dust has settled.

WickedSerious · 15/05/2023 16:49

mushroommummy · 15/05/2023 01:36

I’ve worked in the community for years, this is a common theme. Unfortunately some people never have a good word to say about others and it seems to stem from their own insecurities and jealousy.

Yes,our town carnival used to be a huge event but it's been ruined by people like this.

MargaretThursday · 15/05/2023 16:50

Qbish · 15/05/2023 16:24

This could be a good chance to broaden the event to other input. You can graciously take a small step back, and let others take on some of the responsibility.

I was wondering this too.

Because it's all very well everyone here comforting the Op and saying people are bitter/jealous and she's totally loved by everyone except the few, but if that isn't true (and no one here can know either way) then that really isn't helping anyone.

OP:
Who told you? Why did they tell you?

How has the event been going?

Do lots of people come?

Are there lots of other volunteers?

Have numbers of attendees/volunteers dropped over the last few years?

Do others volunteer or do you have to ask? Do volunteers stay a long time, or do they drop out quickly with mutters of "being a bit busy"?

How do you feel when someone comes up and says they want to help?

But also to think about:
Do you listen to other people's idea?

How many of other people's ideas have you done? How many of your own?

Do you talk to others before doing things and get their input?

How would you react if the organising group discussed your idea and a different idea and voted against you?

Because if generally the event is going as well as it ever has, and there are similar number of volunteers and people who volunteer stay doing it, then I wouldn't think you are the problem.
If you're seeing a lack of volunteers and people coming then it could be that the event is less popular, but it could be that it has become something that's more about you than the event.

I've seen the situation where someone was accused of taking over something-they weren't, and they were very good at making everyone feel valued. However some of the people from outside saw them as a "queen bee" and assumed that they were dictating everything. In fact very few of the ideas were their own, just they were good at taking someone's idea and making it grow wings, and especially good at making sure that credit went to everyone including the quiet ones who did the boring tasks.

Equally well I know someone who if they aren't In Charge, they aren't interested. They are apparently astonished that any committee/group they join to do such things dwindles away and leaves them on their own. The only people they want round them are people who tell them what a wonderfully organising person they are that the events would never happen without.

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 16:50

I can better a lot of money if you ask them.for help support or stepped aside, they either wouldn't be interested or they moan about next person who got involved with this line of volunteering work,

I think it depends where this comment coming from@Ohalpro if it's a genuine trusted friend with no axe to Grind, who usaully gives out sound advice, or anybody else who is similar or closely fits this type of description ect?
then fair enough,
Could well be real something, in this kind of talk, therefore heed advice.

If its local gossipers and back stabbers fraternity in area, then I wouldn't give much credance to this whatever

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 16:51

Typo mistake whatsoever

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 16:52

Typo mistakes" I can bet" ect

Flip

1 2 3 4 5