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Original poster

Do you expect your kids to come back after uni?

114 replies

sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 13:42

Have name changed. Just interested in views on this as I've seen very different responses depending on where people have posted.

We have 3 kids between us (second marriage). Eldest (22) is about to start a PhD and has suggested he should live back home after 4 years away. Middle child in second year at uni, settled in uni town and has said she definitely won't come back home permanently (boyfriend is there and she's living with him). Youngest is 16 and obviously not yet left for uni.

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 14/05/2023 13:46

I would want their to be rooms in my house for my DC until they had a permanent new home
My DC is finishing at Uni this summer, we are going to continue to pay her rent so she can stay on in Uni city ( until she gets a job)

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 13:56

I guess my point is more whether you encourage them to settle away from home permanently and become independent, or do you let them come back home for an easy life?

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 14/05/2023 13:57

Whatever they want

Interested in this thread?

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16 year olds Families
CurlewKate · 14/05/2023 13:58

I don't think these days it's coming home for an easy life-it's coming home because it's the least worst option!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 14/05/2023 13:59

Motheranddaughter · 14/05/2023 13:57

Whatever they want

But on a more adult footing. Not back as kids with mum looking after them.

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 14:00

@HereForTheFreeLunch I guess that's part of my problem. Eldest expects to come back and still have everything done for him.

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 14/05/2023 14:01

As long as you’re aware how expensive renting is so they need a decent job and income to be able to afford that. It’s not really a case of easy life vs moving out. It isn’t that straightforward. Mine stayed at home once he graduated until he could afford to move out (London)

IpanemaChica · 14/05/2023 14:01

We have already sold family home in London and are buying a house in south of France with eldest dc at uni in UK one dc on gap year and taking youngest dc with us to do IB sixth form equivalent. 6/5 bed so room for all.

We asked them UK or France and it was definitely France. Although we’ve lived overseas before and ours don’t want to work in UK in future so easy decision for us. If they end up with remote working jobs then I’ll be happy to have them as long as they want to stay.

WeightInLine · 14/05/2023 14:01

Have you seen the cost of rent? Property?

Coming home is not ‘easy life’ - it’s a sensible decision in the circumstances. I feel sorry for these 20-somethings. It’s hard out there.

Abracadabra12345 · 14/05/2023 14:03

sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 14:00

@HereForTheFreeLunch I guess that's part of my problem. Eldest expects to come back and still have everything done for him.

Definitely not. Mine did all his own laundry, shopping, meal prep and cooking, clearing and cleaning

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 14/05/2023 14:04

Our door is always open for adult DC, their partners and the occasional friend who needs a bed for the night. Short visits are OK, anything longer needs to be discussed. At a very minimum they need to contribute to bills, do a fair share of housework and either sort out their own food or cook some communal meals.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 14/05/2023 14:06

No, mine moved out four years ago and her and her bf rent a flat together as in permanently, not a Uni rental.
They've lived there for three years now, Dd is in first year, he's just finished his Masters which was five years.
They're settled and happy.

DustyLee123 · 14/05/2023 14:07

Both of mine who went never came home.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/05/2023 14:10

Twenty years ago there were affordable accommadation now in Ireland where I am it simply isn't possible.

I will be providing accommodation but expect them to contribute and act as adults.

SeasonFinale · 14/05/2023 14:12

I am guessing the one that wants to definitely come back after a 4 year PhD isn't yours.

frozendaisy · 14/05/2023 14:13

Hope not.
20s is a great life decade, it's when you can take career chances, go out and dance without sore knees, grow up.

I really hope ours don't come home.

But not at uni stage yet.

We would help fund their rents if need be.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/05/2023 14:14

My dd will always be welcome to come back at any time...I love having her around. However, I don't anticipate that she will want to.... she'll want to explore and spread her wings, like both of her parents did before her!

SunshineInMySprocket · 14/05/2023 14:14

Our door will always be open and we will soon be in the very fortunate position of having a home in the UK as well as the one we live in abroad (we work here). We are working hard on being able to give both DC a lump sum for a deposit on a home wherever they wish to live. I should imagine they’ll come home for at least 3/4 years.

somewhereovertherain · 14/05/2023 14:15

Would be surprised if they do come back but it’s up-to them. They will always have a room. One in a relationship and already living together in her partners parents. Other about to do a year in Malaysia as part of her course.

neither wants to remain in the uk long term. And thankfully have dual nationality so no issues loving and working in the EU.

we Will only be in the uk till elderly parents pass on. Then we will be out as well.

lavenderlou · 14/05/2023 14:17

I think it's very hard for young people to afford housing now.It was recently reported that the 2021 census showed a significant increase of adult children living at home compared to 2021. The region with the greatest number of adult children living with their parents was (understandably) London.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/moreadultslivingwiththeirparents/2023-05-10

I'm fully expecting housing to be even more expensive by the time my 11 and 13 year olds are adults and am anticipating them living with us until at least mid twenties. I'd rather they did that and were able to save up some money.

More adults living with their parents - Office for National Statistics

More families in England and Wales had adult children living with them in Census 2021 compared with a decade earlier

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/moreadultslivingwiththeirparents/2023-05-10

Whiskers4 · 14/05/2023 14:22

Ours wants to do a masters, but she'll have to fund herself, so coming home to work and save. Not easy when they've become used to living by their rules and timescale, but she's welcome back.

TumbleFloat · 14/05/2023 14:23

My eldest is at uni, has a whole plan of coming home when he finishes, he is doing a summer internship here in our home city with a view to that turning into a graduate job. He already has a LISA for a house deposit and plans to pay into that for 3-4 years whilst living here. We are lucky enough to have a house with several reception rooms so everyone can have their own space. Eldest has already run graduate jobs through a salary calculator to see what their net pay is, looked at mortgage calculators and house prices. They have a plan. We are more than happy to help facilitate it and the same for Ds2.

I don't want my children to rent, it is so much harder to save up for a house deposit when you have rent and utilities to pay. They are welcome here because we actually really like them as people. We have no plans to downsize or move anywhere as we need to be here for Dh's job. He is a long way off retiring at mid 40s.

ProfYaffle · 14/05/2023 14:24

HereForTheFreeLunch · 14/05/2023 13:59

But on a more adult footing. Not back as kids with mum looking after them.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Mine are 19 (first year at Uni) and 16. I expect them to need to come back for a bit to get on their feet but I would expect that to be as an adult sharing the house. I won't be fetching and carrying.

mybestchildismycat · 14/05/2023 14:25

I've given some thought to this recently and if I'm honest I hope they don't come back. Partly because DH and I will have retired and will want to move on to the next phase of our lives, but mainly because I think it's far better for young people to forge their own independent lives if possible.

I absolutely recognise though that housing costs make this much harder than when we graduated. We'd been saving for years to be able to give them each a deposit, but a recent inheritance means that, notwithstanding a calamity, we will be able to help each of them with a fairly substantial sum, which will level the paluyong field a bit between the opportunities they will have and what we had at that age. They are in their teens right now and aren't aware of this yet.

lavenderlou · 14/05/2023 14:25

the 2021 census showed a significant increase of adult children living at home compared to 2021

Compared to 2011 obviously!

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