Do you expect your kids to come back after uni?

[sunlover69]

Have name changed. Just interested in views on this as I've seen very different responses depending on where people have posted.

We have 3 kids between us (second marriage). Eldest (22) is about to start a PhD and has suggested he should live back home after 4 years away. Middle child in second year at uni, settled in uni town and has said she definitely won't come back home permanently (boyfriend is there and she's living with him). Youngest is 16 and obviously not yet left for uni.

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

We have found their first summer back from Uni to be very challenging - I wasn’t very well and they assumed I’d do everything for them and I assumed given I wasn’t well they’d do more to help out. Things improved after that but they have realised that we all benefit from living independently. We there for them when we’re needed but they need to behave like adults.

Haha yep I totally get that! I think my parents would have thought the same back at the stage you're at but life just takes funny turns sometimes and we've all embraced the multi-generational living. My parents went on a month-long cruise in March - I know they enjoyed the break from me! - but it was useful having me in the house for security and keeping the seedlings on track etc. Swings and roundabouts and all! :)

On Mumsnet everyone under 30 still lives at home but the ONS stats say that it's around half of 18-25 year olds and about a quarter of 25-29 year olds. Just to put it in perspective

I think the way to do it is to tell them when you are planning to move and tell them that's when they need to get housing sorted out for. Ideally you give them a good amount of lead in time and can help them with a deposit of possible.

@DHiscookingalerttheworld that's because on MN everyone has a 5+ bed mortgage free home and can afford to have the dc at home for as long as they want. Unfortunately it's a luxury for lower income families, especially those reliant on UC, even though they are working FT. I'm private renting, with a disabled dc and I can't afford to keep mine at home as student loan is considered income and I will lose housing benefit. It's utterly heartbreaking as it then means that my dc will never have the chance to save and get on the property ladder.
I'm fully expecting to be in the workhouse myself in the next ten years!

@sunlover69.
You say " or let them live at home for an easy life.
I suspecting this is a step child.

The natural order of things is for people to move out and become independent.
So someone that age wanting to move back I'm suspecting has other issues going on.
Perhaps incredibly tight with money? Maybe very astute and realises he needs to live at home?

Perhaps something else going on? Emotionally or mentally...
I think however most of us in mid 2os unless life hadn't been a straight path woud want to move out and be independent so I don't think one of could phrase this as an easy life

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

No, that's not unreasonable, OP.

But you need to communicate this with your adult DC and make sure that they fully understand the ramifications for them, and the proposed timetable.

And be mindful that the 16 year old doesn't get the shitty end of the stick and miss out on the years of being helped out that the older two might have had. Aim for a fair balance and good communication.

My parents only held our rooms “as is” for us, for two years after we left. I think they’d still have any one of us back though.

One of my children is likely to live with me forever so I don’t mind if they all do.

Fair point re the communication.

The other thing we have to contend with is that with the kids who aren't mine, their mother babies them and is still happy to do everything for them and is encouraging the eldest to go back home rather than be independent. So we have two different households with different approaches. It's not easy.

We moved when eldest DD finished uni, middle one was 19 and youngest in primary. Middle one stayed in home town, oldest moved to London and rented a room.
I think having a space for them to stay is enough.

Mine don't want to come back! If they did I would be fine with it, but not so that I could do everything for them. Also, if you want to move overseas in the future you should do it and they will have to look for somewhere else.

Mine would always be welcome home if they need it but I think once they are settled in careers and have their own home it's unlikely.
They each came home to live after graduation and stayed for about a year. One bought a house at 24 so I view that as permanent. The other still rents and has bounced back 3 times for a few months but is now living 60 miles away.
Uni teaches them independence but sometimes work or accommodation doesn't work out.

I would hate u as my mum op. Ur meant to love and look after your kids not throw them out!!!

Well it’s not likely you are going tomorrow. If it helps him with costs I would let the oldest stay, but he does his own washing cooking (he buys the food etc)and pays a small rental fee to cover electricity etc.

He's not going to be working - his expectation is that we pay his costs.

How exactly is his PhD being funded?

I don’t understand why you’re asking this question. They’re your DC/SDC, it’s your life and your house. What does it matter what other people do? You need to do whatever is best for your particular circumstances, and manage it appropriately. There is going to be nobody with exactly the same circumstances as you on this board.

@AutumnCrow I don't know TBH. I think he's still working out the details.

I'll always want them to feel that they are welcome here. If they were working and living here permanently I might want rent or food money it would totally depend on circumstances. I have three who come and go at the moment (at uni) and one still at school. If I wanted to move abroad I'd still do it though but I don't!

I think this all comes down to communication. It is perfectly reasonable to tell them that you’re planning to retire abroad in 2030 (or whatever) and that you’re very happy to have them at home until then but that’s the absolute deadline. It’s also perfectly reasonable to be upfront about who does what, who pays for what etc. Things like the fact their mum babies them shouldn’t make a difference- they’re old enough to understand that different people have different arrangements. I think these things go wrong when people aren’t clear and there’s a mismatch of expectations.

Being upfront about your plans is fair on the kids as they can plan accordingly. You don’t have to change your plans at all.

DH’s mother met someone new, got married again and sold her house within six months of DH going to university, so he never had a choice in the matter! I think that was a bit of an extreme way of telling him he was on his own, and I couldn’t imagine ever telling our dc that they couldn’t move back home any time they wanted to.

I'm always a bit surprised when people say things like "they will always be welcome" because while I don't think many people want to move abroad, I wouldn't have expected that many people to want to maintain a family sized home indefinitely.

Part of our financial planning for retirement includes downsizing - partly because of maintenance costs as well as releasing equity

Ours came here. They were at university when we met, both his and my dd chose to live with us (of of each of ours, the others have housing elsewhere for different reasons, not with other parent).

I'm not soft on them, the do own laundry, clean their shared bathroom, vacuum their floor including their rooms and stairs up there but I cook evening meals for all partly because I don't want them in the kitchen when I'm cooking, partly because I cook healthier food and partly because eating together once a day makes for a more cohesive household (they met as adults so it's not straightforward)

I would not be surprised if ds wanted to come home as a stop gap between uni and a reasonable paying job and would support if I was able. I wouldnt consider my job done and him fully launched until in employment.

Things like the fact their mum babies them shouldn’t make a difference- they’re old enough to understand that different people have different arrangements.

I think you're saying that from the perspective of someone who doesn't have experience of those circumstances. Habits form, which are difficult to break. I don't want to spend my life nagging an adult to do stuff.

Mine all fended for themselves after uni - house shares followed by private rents. 15 years later 3 out of 4 have bought houses with minimal help from me. I'm hoping my youngest may stay home a bit longer.