Do you expect your kids to come back after uni?

[sunlover69]

Have name changed. Just interested in views on this as I've seen very different responses depending on where people have posted.

We have 3 kids between us (second marriage). Eldest (22) is about to start a PhD and has suggested he should live back home after 4 years away. Middle child in second year at uni, settled in uni town and has said she definitely won't come back home permanently (boyfriend is there and she's living with him). Youngest is 16 and obviously not yet left for uni.

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

My daughter's are both at uni. They come and go as they please at the moment. I expect that to continue. Doesn't matter if we are here or not, so we can do the stuff we want to anyhow.

We are a family who all "muck-in" though, so it is easy.

This makes it sound like you want to use the fact they’re babied by their mum as an excuse not to have them live with you. It would be better to say so clearly if this is the case rather than blaming their mum or the kids themselves for things which have not yet happened.

TBH I don’t think it has crossed the mind of my DC who is finishing at Uni this summer , that they wouldn’t be able to come home
I suppose there will be a period of adjustment!

We've always worked on the basis that DS wouldn't return home after his 3 years at Uni (except for the odd day of visiting, Xmas, etc.).

We live in a run down, deprived Northern region with beggar all in the way of decent jobs, so it's always been our thoughts, which we've passed on to DS that he'll get a job after graduation in a city, and we "encouraged" him to aim for Blue Chip national/international employers with good prospects. It would be a travesty for him to return to his home town and end up with a dead end job which is sadly the reality.

In the event, it's exactly what's happened. He graduates this Summer and has a job starting in September with an international insurance company based in a city, the other side of the country, so we'll have him for a couple of weeks over Summer at best, and then he's off!

My two eldest are still at home at 28 & 26. They went to university locally so have never been away. They both lost good jobs during the pandemic which set back their savings. They are both working again. I think ds2 will buy a property in the next year or so and be off. Ds3 (16) will almost definitely go away for university and I would be very surprised if he comes home for anything other than holidays. I think ds1 will probably be with us for ever. I want to downsize and free up a bit of money for my retirement. Dh doesn’t want to move so ds1 suits his purpose! I would have any of them home, anytime, but I’m ready for them to fly the nest.

Unfortunately with the cost of everything going up it’s really difficult to come out of Uni and get a job instantly that is well enough paid to cover living costs.
I’ve seen more and more students returning home since the pandemic than before, it’s tough out there for them.

My mum couldn't wait for me to go! It hurt a lot. Made me feel unwanted.

Well you tell him that option isn’t on the table. Dd stayed at home for uni and might for her masters. Apart from buying food for the household I’ve done nothing for her (illness apart). The way I see it now, it’s like a house share. She’s an adult, she doesn’t have to ask us permission for anything, she can do what she likes but she does her own cooking, cleaning, laundry.

My son lived at home for university for a few reasons but he lived as independently as possible during that time - did his own cooking and laundry in the main because he wanted to.

He moved out a couple of weeks after his 21st birthday in his final year and got a flat with his friend.

He knows the door is always open to him to return but he would see that as a failure and, at the moment, he's doing OK.

He's renting at the moment and looking to buy somewhere in the next couple of years.

The way I see it now, it’s like a house share. She’s an adult, she doesn’t have to ask us permission for anything, she can do what she likes but she does her own cooking, cleaning, laundry.

That's how I saw it too.

Thing is, is this PhD actually necessary/ useful? Sounds like it’s unfunded which, if this was my DC, I wouldn’t be prepared to facilitate. It’s just 4 years when you could be earning proper money. I’m not being all “ university of life mate” but I do think there comes a time when “knowledge for knowledge’s sake” starts being somewhat self indulgent.

We'd probably have had a chat about that but if they were determined I would never stand in their way.

We had one come back just for 18 months during lockdown after renting in her uni city for a couple of years post graduation. It enabled her to save a house deposit so was a means to an end.

The other has two years left at uni, if he wants to come home for a while to save he can, but I can't see it happening as the sort of job he wants won't be round here.

I don't think I'd let it stop me moving house if I wanted to though.

I'm presuming you are with the 22yr olds father and he is not your child, if so then the 22yr old can go and live with his own mother if she is the one encouraging him to expect the unrealistic otherwise I would say if his PHD is unfunded he can not afford it as an option.

He wants to live back home so he doesn't have to shell out on accommodation, food and bills but will probably tell you he's an adult.....if its a funded PhD he's laughing as they pay ok and he can easily pick up extra cash assisting with first year undergrads!

A PhD is not short course! Explain to him he's an adult he's 22 and if his life decision is to follow academia for longer then he needs to pay for himself!

We're about to move to what will be our retirement property, we're buying a bungalow big enough for dd (off to Uni in September) and dsd to live with us or visit as they want to.

If DD comes home after university she'll have to get a job and contribute financially and practically but she'll always have a room in my home.

I have primary aged kids so obviously no idea what their opinions will be on this. But we've planned our housing needs with the door open to them living here as adults. Partly because we have a house in London, so it will be a good place to start their career and save for a deposit. Also we live in a lively, central area, so it's a good place for young people to live. And it's a big enough house that they can have their own space.

We do plan to downsize when they've settled somewhere more permanently, because we won't cope with all the stairs, and it makes financial sense. I don't think I'd ever choose to live in a different country from them though, because I'd like to be involved with dgc if possible.

@TomatoSandwiches & @Scottishskifun I couldn't agree more with both of you.

Mine will always be welcome to live with us if they need to. We are anticipating that at leat one of them will want to or need to at some stage. Fortunately we have a granny annexe and so they can at least live a bit separately from us.

DD had a horrible first year, Covid, then commuted in 2nd & 3rd year. She has just finished and is planning a year teaching English in South Korea. I am sure she’ll be back home after that. SE England.

Ok, is eldest saying he wants to move back home whilst doing his PhD? Bit confused …
id probably accept this, more so if it was for 12-18 months post PhD study whilst writing thesis. Thesis writing is hard, isolating, and in my experience will never ever get completed if they just start work prior to fully submitting the thesis. They have to get it all done before they get a job really. My db went home for a year to write up his- but I think he hated it more than my parents 🤣🤣

but, if he’s done and dusted his phd, thesis completed, I’d put a time limit to return. For mine we said 5 months min contribution in order to slog at finding the right job, then the rest of 12 months where they contributed, and then they’d need to look for a house share with an “ any job”

my concern about allowing them to live at home is you have to go to where the jobs are. You can’t afford to limit your options, especially with a phd , to a job within commutable distance of a specific location, unless you’re in london probably. Certainly not your first job. My kids knew that- we’d moved up and down the country anyway based on where jobs were, so they’d always known that.

id also be a bit worried that they didn’t actively want to cut the apron strings. Living at home means they’re sticking with same social group they’ve known since school, mum and dads house rules etc etc. I didn’t want that at their age, nor did my siblings or any of my peers I knew from school or uni..we were champing to leave home finally once we had jobs. Yes, I know housing is more of an issue, but none of us could afford back then much better than student level digs in house shares . Still very basic, we’ll be honest, shit holes 🤣🤣🤣. But we weren’t studying any more, had control over our own money earnt and had a ball. Most of us ended up n london and south east, so those early years post had were continuing stud nt lifestyle but better funded 🤷🏼‍♀️😉

I think back then when just 10% of population went to uni proper, it was never expected to go home post graduation. By then all our old non uni school friends were working, moved out of home and into nicer houses than us. None of us expected to find jobs near “home”, we were ready to set up “ home”:wherever jobs took us.

id start by asking him why he wants this, and then asking him how he will mitigate against the above concerns.

I want them to live their lives and have fun and be independent. So no, I would prefer that they didn't come back (as would they) - but if there was a compelling reason to be here (eg a job nearby, or the need / desire to save for something, then of course they're welcome to live here. It's their home.

But it's a small house with one bathroom / toilet so really it's more suited to a couple rather than a four-adult family with frequent overnight visitors (partners etc).

I think that comes back to which degree. Some young people are frankly wasting 3 years on a degree that won’t open graduate jobs to them. It’s a big con really. Too many post grads and not enough grad jobs . They end up in service roles, call centres wasting their education through, I will say, no real fault of their own.
for those with degrees that are in demand and are needed for jobs technically or have good degrees in traditional subjects from “well respected “ universities they’ll not have any difficulty in finding a starting role within 2-5 months at a good starting salary of £30k plus. One young person I know is registered disabled, took 6 years to complete studies, never completed his msc thesis due to mental health problems, ben I’ll for last 12 months, but Just started his first grad job on £38k. They have a STEM degree and that’s in demand.

but as I say, they must be prepared to move anywhere. No great degree is going to help if individual only applies to jobs within commutable distance of home or city they went to uni in.

Same here.

Nope I would hate that 🤣