Do you expect your kids to come back after uni?

[sunlover69]

Have name changed. Just interested in views on this as I've seen very different responses depending on where people have posted.

We have 3 kids between us (second marriage). Eldest (22) is about to start a PhD and has suggested he should live back home after 4 years away. Middle child in second year at uni, settled in uni town and has said she definitely won't come back home permanently (boyfriend is there and she's living with him). Youngest is 16 and obviously not yet left for uni.

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

We did the same.
but I do understand the “ draw” of many parents to keep their kids close. One dc is now around 100 miles away- just about doable drive back and forth on a long day, I see them about every 6 weeks. The other is in london , about 270 miles away. With london crossing and stops it’s 5 hour drive really or 3 on train. Not doable in a day . They only have so many weekends and holidays so i don’t see him more than 4 to 5 times per year , I plan more once I get my OAP rail card 🤣🤣🤣 . But it’s the price you pay.
it was no different for my parents, there were years when maybe I only went “home “ once and they came on flying visits to me maybe a couple of times.

so, I can see why many parents couldn’t cope with that

@Whiteroomjoy

my concern about allowing them to live at home is you have to go to where the jobs are. You can’t afford to limit your options, especially with a phd , to a job within commutable distance of a specific location, unless you’re in london probably. Certainly not your first job. My kids knew that- we’d moved up and down the country anyway based on where jobs were, so they’d always known that.

but as I say, they must be prepared to move anywhere. No great degree is going to help if individual only applies to jobs within commutable distance of home or city they went to uni in.

Fully agree with those points. We'd been discussing job locations as far back as the GCSE years with our son when he was pondering careers as a basis of choosing his A levels, so he was fully aware that he'd be leaving home for Uni and coming home again as local decent employment opportunities are extremely limited - basically schools or hospital neither of which appealed. He chose a career in financial services which dictated his A levels and degree, and knew he'd have to move to London or another larger city after graduation, which is where the few big employers are.

NOT coming home again, that should have read.

You've talked about what their mothers attitude is. But what about their father's?
Shortly that's the bit that matters. The mum can't dictate that you have the step son live with you.

My DD came back as she left uni at the time of the financial crisis, with no graduate job to go to. She got a temporary job as a TA while she planned her future, paid her way, and helped around the place.

I'm not a step mum basher, but it does sound as though you want the step kids out of your life, to be honest.

Our eldest is in Uni and we won't be encouraging either way, it's totally up to him if he stays or comes back.

If he comes back, there will be no chance of him having an "easy life". He'll be getting up off his arse and getting a job and paying his way. As far as coughing up is concerned at that point, our job will be done.

Same happened to me and I survived.

I'm not a step mum basher, but it does sound as though you want the step kids out of your life, to be honest.

To be completely honest, I want all the kids (mine or not) to be independent asap. My health isn't what it used to be and I don't want adult children living with us when I'm well into my 50's. It should be our time to enjoy life.

It partly depends where you live. We live in London so our kids came home because that’s where their jobs were. On the other hand, the girlfriend of DS virtually received a letter from her parents saying ‘we have moved to the countryside and look forward to seeing you at Christmas.’ While my own mother took me to one side and said ‘when you finish uni, you can’t come home’. In other words, it depends on your family relationships and where you live and what you want out of life.

My son is going to Berlin to do his degree as his girlfriend is German and they will be living together there.

I don't expect him to come back and we had a conversation yesterday about visiting him.

We will be keeping his bedroom for him for a few years though, and his permanent address will still be here for the duration of his degree.

@sunlover69

He's not going to be working - his expectation is that we pay his costs.

What's your partner/husband's viewpoint on this OP? 🌹

Mine are a long way off with eldest at 12 but it wouldn't surprise me if they came to live at home. We are easily commutable into London so gives them a lot more job options without paying expensive London rent .

Well he thinks he should work for a start. And that the PhD is a way of delaying the real world.

Has DS done a masters or is he going straight from undergrad to PhD and is it funded?

Most post graduate students work even if this is being a lab assistant for undergrads (depending on the degree).
A PhD is essential for academia/research and some work areas but it is bloody hard work and your DS is in dreamland if he thinks anything to the contrary. The drop out rate on PhDs is also quite high as they are so specific on that one topic!

I'm in the minority in my work for not having a PhD (I did my masters and that was enough!) But I am a very niche scientific area

Our son is now 25 and flat sharing with one other in London- he has had a couple of 6 week spells back with us when between jobs , but had a job to go to but on the whole I would rather he didn't come back on a permanent basis. He has been flat sharing since 2 weeks before he was 18 and it's done him a world of good.

@Scottishskifun he's done a master's. But I'm not sure re the funding for the PhD.