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Original poster

Do you expect your kids to come back after uni?

114 replies

sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 13:42

Have name changed. Just interested in views on this as I've seen very different responses depending on where people have posted.

We have 3 kids between us (second marriage). Eldest (22) is about to start a PhD and has suggested he should live back home after 4 years away. Middle child in second year at uni, settled in uni town and has said she definitely won't come back home permanently (boyfriend is there and she's living with him). Youngest is 16 and obviously not yet left for uni.

We want to retire overseas at some point and start our later life without adult kids at home. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 14/05/2023 14:26

There will always be a home for them, but not like when they were children.

They would be expected to pay some rent and pull their weight with chores, cooking, etc.
Independent adults who happen to live in the family home.

My younger brother did this until he was 27. No being home for meals or at reasonable time after a night out.
The only real rule was no shagging randoms. GF was fine but no ONS.

mybestchildismycat · 14/05/2023 14:28

Just to add, I think it where the parents live makes a difference. We live rurally so coming home after uni would be a backward step I think. There won't be much for them here. Whereas if we had a family home in London I can see it would be quite different.

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 14:28

@mybestchildismycat that's my thinking too. The two who are likely to come back are not planners and I can see them relying on parents for a long time. I don't think it's good for them.

OP posts:

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RainChaser · 14/05/2023 14:33

If they want to then of course. We do hope to move back to my home country at some point but we’re happy to wait til the kids are settled here. I am hoping they decide they want to move with us though.

MotherOfRatios · 14/05/2023 14:43

Renting is expensive if I could move home, I would put my job requires me to be in a different location.

Spendonsend · 14/05/2023 14:43

I dont think my eldest will. He would be very welcome but his room is tiny and his brother has complex needs. I think he will run for freedom the second he can.

My other son will stay with us until we find supported living.

MyGirlDaisy · 14/05/2023 14:46

Both of ours are back home after uni. Live in SE, houses very expensive, they can’t afford to buy at the moment and seems silly to pay rent when they can live at home and save. Both work, do their own washing and cleaning, help out with dog walking and with elderly grandparents. I do cook in the evening for everyone if they are here, otherwise they sort themselves out. I am sure they would rather not be living with us but we have made it work. They are welcome to have girlfriends to stay, and have done, have been very respectful. They can live here for as long as they need to.

BritishDesiGirl · 14/05/2023 14:48

Maybe you need to stop making assumptions as to what they will or won't expect. It is incredibly expensive to rent now and it sounds like you have already decided that you dont your DC home.

notsuchafrugalkitty · 14/05/2023 14:52

I expect ours to come home in order to save for house deposits, but I won't mind if they don't. Their choice, our home is theirs for as long as they need it.

That said, I have already decided what to do with each of their bedrooms when they've gone!

autienotnaughtym · 14/05/2023 15:00

Eldest stayed in uni city after graduating. Now travelling for a year. She plans to rent when she comes back. Middle one still at uni. I will keep their bedrooms until they officially move out.

JulieHoney · 14/05/2023 15:01

I'd rather hoped they would for a bit, but purely selfishly as I love their company. However, it is right and for the best that they are striking out in new directions. We're here if they need us, and we respect their independence.

Ellicent · 14/05/2023 15:03

I'm 39 and finally moving out of the family home this month!

If you told 18 year old me, 21 year old me, 25 year old me, or even 30 year old me I'd still be at home at 39 I'd have thought what a loser, what a failure, how sad. I think my parents would have thought the same too, to be honest.

But it's not been like that - we're a close family, fortunate to have a big family home. I've had significant spells away from my parents, but when I've changed careers and gone back to training salaries, etc, my parents have taken me in. This last spell happened because my fixed term job came to an end in 2020 and this coincided exactly with when I was evicted from my home as the landlord wanted it back for themselves. It made sense to come home while my job situation was volatile and I didn't know where I would need to live for my next job, then once I got my job we agreed I could stay while I was looking for my FTB property and could save rather than all my money on rent. That's finally just happened. My parents have charged me a 'cover the costs' rent of £400 a month so they've not been out of pocket and I didn't feel like I was taking advantage. As a single person with a modest wage affording housing in this area has been a huge barrier. What I can afford by myself is pretty soul crushing to be honest.

I think lots of people in my situation wouldn't necessarily have moved back home as readily as me over the years - I've always moved home rather than claim any benefits etc in times when I've been between jobs, or for a period when I was unwell. And I'm really grateful to have had the opportunity to do this and to know 'there's always a place for me' has been an enormous comfort even when I haven't needed it.

ILoveMyCaravan · 14/05/2023 15:05

@sunlover69 we want to do the same!

Eldest is finishing uni this year. He will come home if he doesn't land a job by the end of summer. All his mates are in his uni area so there's no real pull for him to come back, only for somewhere to stay while he's job searching. He's definitely not looking for an easy ride, he wants to be out there working and travelling hopefully.

We really want to move abroad as soon as possible. Realistically we won't be too much further away travelling wise from where we are now for him.

Our plan is that when we sell the UK house, we are thinking of either buying a small property and giving them first refusal for renting it (subsidised) or giving a cash sum for a house/flat deposit.

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 15:09

This might sound harsh but if the kids keep coming back til their late 30's we'll likely be dead before we can enjoy retirement on our own!

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 14/05/2023 15:10

There are two questions there.
Do I expect DS to come home after Uni, yes. We live in the south east commutable distance to London, I'd rather he come home and save than spend money on rent.
I did the same, parents not in a position to give house deposits etc but had us back home after uni. I bought my first flat at 25 , if I'd been paying market rent I couldn't have. Not sure I could ever have whilst renting and with a single income in this area tbh.
The second question is are you unreasonable to move overseas, no. Your life is also for you, and there are many people who can't go home to live with parents after uni for myriad reasons. Eould they come and live with you abroad?

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 15:12

@UndercoverCop I don't want them to live with us abroad. I think they should be making their own way in life, and we're likely to want to downsize rather than having to buy a property big enough to house everyone. They can come and stay, but live with us? No.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 14/05/2023 15:13

I don't think I'd ever feel like that about DS at 21 having just graduated. It's not that easy these days

MintJulia · 14/05/2023 15:14

As long as ds is working and contributing, I wouldn't mind but I'm not doing laundry or cleaning up after an adult.

PollyPeptide · 14/05/2023 15:18

I'm with you op. I didn't mind them coming home in order to get themselves sorted for their working life but it wasn't a permanent option, just a transient stopgap.

We have plans for our retirement and it doesn't include being a b&b for children, girl/boyfriends, and grandchildren as much as I love seeing them all.

CampfiresAndGuitars · 14/05/2023 15:19

sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 15:09

This might sound harsh but if the kids keep coming back til their late 30's we'll likely be dead before we can enjoy retirement on our own!

Thats really unlikely though isn’t it. There’s a difference between coming back after uni for a few years than coming back til they’re nearly 40. Most that come back after uni have moved out by mid-late 20s. They want their independence as much as parents do.

I think being there for a few years after uni is a part of parenting, more so with how costs are increasing.

CampfiresAndGuitars · 14/05/2023 15:20

MintJulia · 14/05/2023 15:14

As long as ds is working and contributing, I wouldn't mind but I'm not doing laundry or cleaning up after an adult.

If you’ve brought them up well, they wouldn’t expect that.

Original poster
sunlover69 · 14/05/2023 15:20

@CampfiresAndGuitars I was responding to a previous poster who went back home til her late 30s. But yes, unlikely.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 14/05/2023 15:26

I really, really hope not.

DS (20) and I are very probably both on the spectrum and our relationship is so, so much better now that we live apart.

Since he has moved out, my mental health has improved so much and I don't think I can/will ever allow anyone to live with me again.
I am still recovering from the impact of my mother coming to stay for a week over Easter!

His mental health has also improved since he started living with his girlfriend, and he is gradually becoming more rational, thoughtful, stable and less reactive.🤞

TomatoSandwiches · 14/05/2023 15:29

If you and your husband both feel like this I would try to start managing their expectations now so they have more than enough time to prepare to be ready and put when you need them to be.
The 22yr old imo would be OK to move back to complete a PHD so long as they adjust their attitude about having things done for them, because by the time your 16yr old is in their second year at uni they should be finished with it.

My eldest is only 15 so we have some time, however I expect him to stay home long enough to save a decent deposit, I don't want him wasting money on rent unless he make a pointed choice to live that way.

familyissues12345 · 14/05/2023 15:34

Mine is hoping to not come back and stay on in his Uni town, but is being realistic that he might not be able to. He is in a fortunate position though that if he'd like to start his working life there he could commute as we live 40 mins away - so best of both worlds really.

His mate is absolutely adamant he won't be back but is at a Uni in London. I'm hoping he's right but fear he's going to be a bit disappointed if it doesn't happen. I think he needs to prepare himself for how expensive it is to live and work in central London as a new graduate. Good luck to him if it works though, he's a bright hard working lad so if it'll work for anyone he would definitely deserve it