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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 10/05/2023 09:12

No, your DP hasn’t been rude at all. He politely offered a way to help. At the same time he wanted to protect his property and belongings. Quite right.

But your NDN has betrayed your trust. After 20 years of being helpful and reliable, things have changed and NDN has uncharacteristically become bossy and taken advantage against your explicit wishes. I would also be very upset and angry.
I would calmly go round, hand their keys back and firmly ask for yours saying the key arrangement no longer works for you. Don’t give them a chance to talk about it. Just take your keys and leave without argument. Don’t let it escalate.
( you may want to sell one day) Only if they deny it should you tell them you have evidence.
And also change the locks as it seems the habit of having entry to your house has become a free and easy entitlement in your neighbour’s mind.

MinnieGirl · 10/05/2023 09:13

It’s a shame as you have got along for 20 years, although she does sound like a bit of a bossy boots… but she has now crossed a line that is not acceptable. If it was an emergency well you could get round it, but just to let a builder in? No way. Your DH said no and yet she still entered your property rummaged around and let the builder in. I would be absolutely fuming and would feel really violated.

I think DH going to talk to them is wise. He sounds a bit calmer lol… but I think he does need to impress upon them both how serious her action has been and how it has made you feel unsafe in your own home. And that from this moment going forward, they are not permitted to enter your house. And that they will have to make alternate arrangements for their own pets. And give their keys back.

He might also add that you have noticed some changes in her behaviour and do hope she is not unwell. There is little mention of the husband in all this. Is he as bad as her? Can you have a quiet word with him about her behaviour, especially as hubby says he has noticed changes.

I would never be able to trust them again sadly and would be looking very closely at security. You need to feel happy and safe in your own home and a CF neighbour letting herself in when your husband said no is not acceptable. Does make you wonder how often she’s done it before…

WickedSerious · 10/05/2023 09:15

Pringleface · 10/05/2023 08:10

I don’t think anyone’s asked ‘could she have ASD? yet but give it time.

Show quote history

She might be Ukrainian.

Shelby2010 · 10/05/2023 09:15

There’s nothing to show if the husband knew DH had said No. Could be that she didn’t say anything to him, just let the builder in.

Inkpotlover · 10/05/2023 09:16

DP thinks lines have blurred.

That's got to be the understatement of the year! It's good he's going to tackle it calmly, but I do hope he is absolutely firm in relaying how outrageously they have behaved in the light of him categorically saying they couldn't access your property at that particular time. It shows a complete disregard and disrespect for your boundaries (literally and figuratively) and if he doesn't convey his annoyance they will of course do it again. They'll think they got away with it, because your DP isn't that annoyed, so where's the harm next time?

happypoobum · 10/05/2023 09:20

I would go batshit and would contact police, unless you are thinking of moving in the foreseeable.

I agree the idea of fucking with her house would also appeal. Dining chairs all on the table, mirrors removed from walls or turned around, that type of thing.

rainbowstardrops · 10/05/2023 09:23

I'd go crazy!!! Why wait until this evening? That's mad!

AudibleEyeroll · 10/05/2023 09:23

I would have been round there as soon as I’d seen the footage. If they can’t respect your boundaries, don’t respect theirs

Funkyslippers · 10/05/2023 09:24

Disgusting behaviour from your neighbour. Your OH was not rude by telling her that 3pm was not convenient and I would have done the same. I'd be confronting her (with OH!) ASAP

Shelby2010 · 10/05/2023 09:26

Mumto1boyo · 10/05/2023 08:03

Ah I was wondering how long until the "maybe it's dementia " posts turned up.

It's never the fact that some people just show their true colours of being a right wanker.

But hiding your true colours for 20 years is quite a feat. And if you’ve ever seen this change in someone close to you, you’d realise it’s quite gradual and only when they do something that ‘no one in their right mind would think acceptable’ that you start putting the pieces together.

Maybe she has just got more entitled as she’s got older, but if changes have been pronounced enough for a neighbour to remark on, then it’s worth considering dementia.

17Degrees · 10/05/2023 09:36

Unbelievable! I agree with others, return keys, keep it factual, no escalation and minimum interaction moving on. The last thing you want is a complete breakdown of "neighbourliness"

FernGully43 · 10/05/2023 09:39

Gobsmacked reading this, op. I'd be livid. Definitely pull them up and change the locks

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2023 09:42

While I'd be massively put out by this I think your DH is right about the blurred boundaries. If she see you almost as family then she'll have thought as you were both used to going into each others houses then this was the easy answer to her problem, just let him in and you'd never know. Obviuously that doesn't make it right but it's done now, all you can do us make sure she doesn't have the chance to do it again.

readbooksdrinktea · 10/05/2023 09:43

Inkpotlover · 10/05/2023 09:16

DP thinks lines have blurred.

That's got to be the understatement of the year! It's good he's going to tackle it calmly, but I do hope he is absolutely firm in relaying how outrageously they have behaved in the light of him categorically saying they couldn't access your property at that particular time. It shows a complete disregard and disrespect for your boundaries (literally and figuratively) and if he doesn't convey his annoyance they will of course do it again. They'll think they got away with it, because your DP isn't that annoyed, so where's the harm next time?

This. They need to be firmly told to stay away from your property when you're not there.

princessconsuelabananahammock91 · 10/05/2023 09:47

Wow, pure cfery

seventyfour75 · 10/05/2023 09:55

This is not ok. You said no and she went against your wishes. It's a breech of trust. Go around and get the key of her and explain why. Then cut all ties.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/05/2023 09:57

You can't let them away with this, it's outrageous!

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/05/2023 09:59

Don't fall out with your neighbours. It's never worth it.

Bloody outrageous behaviour but let your DH deal with it as he sounds more mild-mannered. (I'd be going bat shit like you!)

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 10:09

If she has early stage dementia or peri it's irrelevant tbh. Neither of these make her behaviour acceptable and it's not your problem. And btw I laughed out loud at the idea that being perimenopausal would be a justification for this.

I would get the locks changed and calmly return the key and say politely and without aggression that you no longer trust her having seen her enter your property. And leave it there. Calling the police etc is pointless escalation which will result in you losing the moral high ground. It's unclear whether a crime has been committed and even if one technically has you will lose the moral authority by trying to pursue this with an elderly neighbour who was formerly a friend.

Just establish your boundaries with dignity and walk away from them.

friendlycat · 10/05/2023 10:15

It was a very silly thing of her to do, but I do agree with your thoughts that it may have been easier all round to have let her have the fob with the agreement that she tended to the dogs and stayed on your property to look over the equipment etc. After all you've been happy enough for her to look after your pets etc when it has suited you previously.

That being said, of course it is not right what has happened. She was told no and given times that were OK with you.

It's extremely disappointing what has happened, but your DP sounds level headed about this and presumably will handle this appropriately later on. Of course he needs to express how disappointed you are with their actions and that it is a breakdown of trust. I would return keys and ask for yours back.

But they will still remain your neighbours and surely it is best to state your case in a calm but measured way, then move forward without the same level of interaction previously enjoyed but without deep animosity etc.

Feraldogmum · 10/05/2023 10:17

Well my thought ,as others,was this lady has dementia. This being the case her having your keys is a liability,also she has allowed a third party into your home. Did she open the door or actually give them the keys? If the latter ,that is absolutely out of order and very worrying.Anyone could now have a copy of your keys and if your insurers get wind of this if you’re burgled,good luck them honoring the insurance.
Hate to say this,but you are going to have to get your locks changed now, just getting keys back will not give you any sort of security .
As regards to them getting access through your property,they landscaped their garden awkwardly and they put a chicken shed in the path of access. When they did this landscaping they should not have assumed a neighbour would have to let them use their home as access, that’s self entitled to the extreme. It’s for them to rectify the situation they created which hindered access. Ordinarily I would always try to stay on the right side of neighbours, but she has gone too far,she has violated your space against your wishes and put your security at risk ,plus it sounds as if she will not be living there too much longer if she dies have dementia.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/05/2023 10:27

Lochjeda · 09/05/2023 23:11

Get your key back off her. That's absolutely out of order.

This!

How DARE she!

And stop any further access.

Crazykatie · 10/05/2023 10:28

I wouldn’t start a fall out with neighbours because you never know where that will end, especially if dementure is becoming a problem and she gets more entitled.
However I would change my locks so that it couldn’t happen again, the usual euro locks are easy enough to change lock barrel.

stillherenow · 10/05/2023 10:29

My estate agents did this, I went on holiday and was clear I didn’t want any viewings while we were away. It was obvious when I came back that they’d been in. People never cover their tracks effectively enough! I felt awful for ages .

Hellno45 · 10/05/2023 10:35

Its a huge breach of trust. I would change the locks. You could get the key back but they possible could have got a copy.

Your neighbours having a key to your house can also invalidate your household insurance.