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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
GasPanic · 10/05/2023 10:38

CurlyTandtheTangles · 10/05/2023 08:58

But I do like the idea of letting myself into their house, sitting there drinking their tea, eating their cake, reading their books, waiting for them to come home.

Sometimes the best way to get empathy is to describe a similar situation happening to them and see how they would react. Not a million miles away.

It does sound like if there has been a change in behaviour that there could be some sort of medical issue.

To me they have certainly crossed a line.

Maybe a word with the partner when they are on their own might be a better way to proceed.

Oh, and of course get your keys back or better still change the locks (it would be entertaining if they tried to get in and found out they couldn't), because if this has happened once it can happen again as and when they feel like it - and if there is a medical issue then their behaviour is not going to get more reasonable over time.

murasaki · 10/05/2023 10:41

Definitely change the locks, and they do need to be called out on it, I hope dp-s calmness doesn't lead to them thinking this is normal. It's not. I'd be livid.

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 10:45

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

What? I'd be straight round asking for an explanation. I wouldn't go in guns blazing, I'd go in calm and friendly and say oh I see you got the wall done. Just checking it was you who moved the GP run...once she tells you what's happened ld demand the key back. She can't be trusted. Of course, it could be that no-one used the keys and they 'hopped over'...either way she has taken liberties and can't be trusted.
Using someone's keys without permission is outrageous.

Ariela · 10/05/2023 10:46

mrsbyers · 09/05/2023 23:16

I think it’s more likely they’ve used ladders to access via the fence at the rear

This ^

murasaki · 10/05/2023 10:48

They are caught on the ring doorbell.

AFishCalledKeith · 10/05/2023 10:49

You are more patient than me, OP.

If I caught neighbours helping themseleves to stuff in my house by entering without permission, I'd be fucking fuming.

Like heck would they ever get anything from me again (access, favours, delivery acceptance etc).

alwaysandforevernow · 10/05/2023 10:50

Popcorn

GabriellaMontez · 10/05/2023 10:52

Jane needs to move her chicken shed so that any future work can be done in her garden.

She wouldn't be welcome in mine again.

What a nerve.

Topseyt123 · 10/05/2023 10:58

Ariela · 10/05/2023 10:46

This ^

Show quote history

OP has ring doorbell footage of the neighbour entering her house at a time when they had specifically told her not to.

Whichnumbers · 10/05/2023 10:59

If you dh goes to talk to them, then they are very lucky - many people would call the police for entering the property

This is so terribly sad to have had this happen, Jane is extremely out of order but whether you'll be able eotget her to understand that, im doubtful

readbooksdrinktea · 10/05/2023 11:09

She doesn't sound like she has dementia, with OP's latest comments it sounds like she just doesn't listen to them or respect their boundaries.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/05/2023 11:09

I wouldn't talk to them about it, that won't achieve anything. I would just change the locks, return their key and keep them at as long an arms length as possible. I think if she has changed dementia has to be a possibility but its still very calculated behaviour and a total lack of respect.

TheShellBeach · 10/05/2023 11:17

I used to be the matron of a dementia care home, I don't see that the neighbour could ever have been organised enough to burgle your house. People with dementia don't generally have these abilities.
Yes, they lose their sense of social boundaries - but physically and deliberately going into your house to get a key fob and use it - no. That requires a degree of planning and forethought which dementia patients are not capable of.

MoggyMittens23 · 10/05/2023 11:21

Yeah I would not be ok with this. I mean I wouldn't have given someone a key to my house in the first place, but it would definitely be taken away now! What about insurance? What about if something got broken or whatever, or they left something open and your dog got out/someone got in. No, no, no!

friendlycat · 10/05/2023 11:25

Out of interest how much snooping would have been required to actually find the garage fob and workshop key? Or would she have known where they are kept and gone straight for them?

Not excusing anything here but interested to know, out of curiosity, how easy it would have been for her to locate these?

It adds a somewhat heightened level of CF if it's a case of her rummaging through kitchen drawers and various places to actually locate these things as well.

HoleyShit · 10/05/2023 11:29

Yeah from what you've said, Jane thinks she knows best. Jane will freely ignore to satisfy her own agenda. Essentially Jane sounds like a fucking nightmare.

I wouldn't call the police, I think that's OTT given the prior reciprocal arrangement and key swapping.

However, you need to be VERY assertive here. Firm but calm. Any sniff of weakness and Jane will exploit it to her own gains and twist it so that you're the unreasonable one.

I would definitely change the locks and back right off from them.

BowiesJumper · 10/05/2023 11:33

Wow. Can he talk to the husband if you think Jane might be either unreasonable or is showing changes in behaviour? Maybe she told him you had said yes though. Either way, get your key back!!

WisherWood · 10/05/2023 11:36

I'd be absolutely fuming, but then I can be quite territorial. So I'd deal with the situation as calmly and factually as possible, to try to avoid my rage getting the better of me. I'd change the locks - I don't trust them and I wouldn't want any insurance to be invalidated.

Then I'd go round to theirs and return their keys. I'd say I'd prefer to have mine back, but just to let them know, the locks have been changed so they will no longer work if they do try to use them again. If they ask why, I'd say I had proof that they had entered the house when I'd expressly asked them not to and that this is a breach of trust. Then I wouldn't engage further. I'd also find alternative pet sitting and never swap keys with them again.

MsRosley · 10/05/2023 11:45

This is honestly one of the most shocking things I've ever read on here. I would go nuclear in your situation. World class CF-ery.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 10/05/2023 11:49

Have the builders finished? Or will they need access again, do you think?

clpsmum · 10/05/2023 12:11

NewAnon · 09/05/2023 23:18

Scare her.

You worry that someone broke into your house as "things have moved, and the door wasn't shut properly".

Say that you've reported to the police, and they have asked neighbours for Ring/Nest doorbell footage.

Say that the police are taking it very seriously due to a spate of similar issues in the area.

Did she see anything?

Then let her stew for a while.

A few days later "the police have seen a person or people going into the house - they won't give you any details for GDPR reasons, but they are investigating where that person or people came from, and whether they attempted to break into any other houses on the street".

Omg this

Softoprider · 10/05/2023 12:12

Just change the locks and when they ask tell them someone went in the house at the time the builders were there and you couldn't call the police as they have a spare key

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 10/05/2023 12:16

Technically it's burglary as she's entered with intent to steal even if she didn't managed to steal. It's enough she just entered without your permission. You can report to police and she could get arrested and interviewed for it.

Gillbil · 10/05/2023 12:18

Wow! That's unacceptable.
Dementia might be a real issue here when u talked about the change in behaviour. But they unfortunately cant be trust with your keys.

If they were younger and no chance of mental health issues, id say mess with them!
Play dumb and say you're expensive bit of equipment has been stolen, did they see anything? And watch them squirm.
But for the peace probably not, definitely invest in more cameras, around the place and maybe one in the hallway and inside the garage

LiveAHappyLifeBePositive · 10/05/2023 12:20

If the landscaping and chicken sheds are in the way of them maintaining their own property why don’t they move it all out of the way.

This is not a normal situation where their house may form a boundary and they need to access to yours for maintenance.

There isn’t access to theirs via yours in the normal way of rear/ garden access. They have to go through your property! That’s not reasonable access. It could never be an easement. I really think now is the time to suggest they move everything of theirs that is blocking their own access.