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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 10/05/2023 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Totally agree. According to mumsnet anyone over 45 has dementia, anyone under has some sort of SN.

While it possible that they had jobs where they could take time off with no notice (my Dad did as it was his own business) it has nothing to do with age

Butchyrestingface · 10/05/2023 14:49

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

JFC, get your keys back ASAP.

Do you think your husband has the cojones to see this through? If you genuinely think she may have dementia, I'd treat a lot more carefully than I would with say, a fit and hale 30 year old. But get those key back by hook or by crook, I would.

Fraaahnces · 10/05/2023 17:14

Was it just her you spoke to or both of them? I think you (or DH) need to go over and speak to both of them and show them the footage on your phone and ask why she felt entitled to trespass onto your property despite being told expressly that she did not have permission to do so and demand your key back. Perhaps have a chat with her DH about how her behaviour has deteriorated in the last few years and express concern for her mental health. I would let him know that you are happy to be there for him if he needs assistance, but you need to ensure that your own boundaries are respected for your own safety, for her safety and for that of your animals. You need him to understand that if his wife were to trespass onto your property again, you will take no responsibility for injuries that may occur, as she does not have your permission to be there.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/05/2023 17:44

Please do come back when your DH has had an opportunity to speak with them and let us know how he gets on.

ZekeZeke · 10/05/2023 20:58

Well OP?

bakebeans · 10/05/2023 21:03

She's an inconsiderate fucking loon! YANBU.

RatatouilleAndFeta · 10/05/2023 21:32

RosaCaramella · 10/05/2023 00:49

It might be worth considering that if she’s only become bossy and argumentative in the last five years, then this could be linked to a health issue.

I was thinking that. She could have dementia.

Still completely outrageous to come in your house!

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 21:33

I'd tell her some tools are missing from your garage , will she please return them?

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/05/2023 21:45

RatatouilleAndFeta · 10/05/2023 21:32

I was thinking that. She could have dementia.

Still completely outrageous to come in your house!

Show quote history

From what OP said, it wasn't just her in the house, it was her husband, too - or have I misunderstood?

Piscesmumma1978 · 10/05/2023 21:50

I would be fuming. Definitely changed the locks as they might have copies.

Bang out of order. Did she let the builder walk through your house??

boredsolicitor · 10/05/2023 22:18

Over invested in this - want to know what happened next!

ohfourfoxache · 10/05/2023 22:47

Sounds horrendous

No matter what happens now, unfortunately there is no going back now. The relationship will never be the same

Original poster
CurlyTandtheTangles · 10/05/2023 23:49

Sorry. I ended up working late.

DP went next door. Jane was out, husband was in. He'd not been in when builder came and appeared to not know how access was gained. Was under impression it was agreed with us. DP informed him it was via our property and door bell cam shows this. And we are not happy.

DP said husband (who is lovely) seemed caught off guard and flustered. DP said he's told them he will be round tomorrow to discuss.

Apparently builder not finished. Needs to return. DP told husband no access unless our permission given. Husband totally agreed. (Like no one would ever think of just helping themselves).

Not very interesting really.

DP has said to me he does not want 'war' between us because we have to live here (and our roof needs redoing so we might be hanging around their property). But he will be very clear it's unacceptable, verging on criminal, trust has gone etc. He's good at firm, unemotional.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 10/05/2023 23:55

Thanks for the update OP. I am fascinated by these CF scenarios and wonder what lovely NDN will say to his wife, who appears to be the CF here.

I agree good relationship should be maintained, BUT boundaries need to be revised and made crystal clear.

I have had minor issues with a neighbour in the past, resolved now by me making it clear what my boundaries are.

Promisedmeamiracle · 11/05/2023 00:01

I wish more people (inc myself) were firm and unemotional. It could save a lot of fall outs.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/05/2023 00:07

I think this is the first time I have ever said this on MN but I think your DP handled the situation perfectly.
I'm absolutely gobsmacked at what the neighbours have done, 100% change the locks and after them doing this I'd definitely refuse them access completely now. All they had to do was rearrange it for a convenient time but now they've fuxked it now and ruined any friendship you had.

Original poster
CurlyTandtheTangles · 11/05/2023 00:31

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/05/2023 00:07

I think this is the first time I have ever said this on MN but I think your DP handled the situation perfectly.
I'm absolutely gobsmacked at what the neighbours have done, 100% change the locks and after them doing this I'd definitely refuse them access completely now. All they had to do was rearrange it for a convenient time but now they've fuxked it now and ruined any friendship you had.

He's certainly handled it better than I would. But obviously not disclosing that to him nor your comments (but will whisper it into the dog' s ear).

I swing between disappointed, don't make a big deal out of it, to fucking fuming.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 11/05/2023 00:42

did he get the key back though

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2023 02:27

I bet Jane has the keys on her keying. Crazy batty lady.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/05/2023 03:58

Get the keys back. And hide the garage opener.

suburbophobe · 11/05/2023 04:05

They did enter our house.

WHAT??!

Words escape me as to the CF of this...

Change the locks!

MovinGroovinBarbie · 11/05/2023 04:39

I'd be absolutely lived that she'd let herself in after being expressly told no.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 11/05/2023 06:33

She was going to do it again wasn’t she, next time the builder wanted access she wouldn’t have even mentioned it, just let him in.

rwalker · 11/05/2023 07:48

Just read update about u getting roof done and might need co operation from them
tried carefully even those she’s in the wrong

if it’s going to cause you problems could be a home goal

cosmiccosmos · 11/05/2023 08:15

Sounds as though your DH has taken the right approach.

Jane should now be hot footing it around to yours ro apologies. Somehow I think she won't which in my world would mean it needs escalating as she has shown she doesn't care and thinks she can do as she pleases.