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Original poster

Was DP rude or our neighbour?

429 replies

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/05/2023 23:09

Name changed cos this is outing.
And it's going to be long. Sorry.

Background - our neighbours are in their 70's, Known them nearly 20yrs. Used to get on brilliantly. In last 5 yrs the wife (let's call her Jane) has got very bossy, disagrees with anything you say and looks for arguments - it's tedious.

So we've stepped back slightly but still look after each others houses/pets when away. DP does the odd DIY task for them.We have keys for each others properties.

Yesterday evening our neighbour came round. DP answered the door. Jane asked if they could have access through our back garden to access their back wall. A builder is coming to sort out the back wall but can't get a ladder up in their back garden (its tiered in a weird way and huge chicken house in way). Not an urgent job but builder is available

To access the back of our house you have to come through the garage and then through a connected workshop into back garden. You can't access the back any other way except through the house.

DP said shouldnt be a problem.Jane said it would be about 3pm (Tues - today) DP said "ah sorry no" as none of us would be in. And told her the times we'd be home.

Jane wasn't happy. Voice getting annoyed. She kept going onto DP about how do delivery people get to the back of house.... she was angling for DP to give her the fob for the garage and key to workshop. DP wasn't having of it and repeated times someone would be home.

Reasons DP didn't want her to have the fob and keys is because he's got lots of equipment in garage and workshop and was concerned the builder would be up a ladder at the back of our/their house and leave the garage etc with doors wide open. And also our dogs would go bonkers seeing a stranger in the garden (patio doors).

So (you can probably guess what's happened today)....

Earlier this evening we were in our garden. I noticed the guinea pig run I left by the fence dividing our gardens is in a different position. We looked up and obvious building work has been done on their wall.

Further inspection shows muddy flat grass and muddy footprints on our decking.

I can only think Jane has been in our house, snooped for the garage fob and workshop key. Made the dogs go crazy. Let the builder through.

I was/am fuming. But a tiny part of me thinks should we have given her the fob and key,???

DP seems cross and said he will deal with it tomorrow. Obviously I'm still stewing over this - DP is snoring.

It's rude isn't it? It's fucking downright out of order isn't it? Or is my way of thinking wonky (I am autistic so fuck up on social stuff lots).

OP posts:
MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 10/05/2023 12:25

I don’t like confrontation but I would be absofuckinglutely livid. I would want to report it to the police but I know my husband would want to handle it directly.

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/05/2023 12:27

I may very well be intolerant but my goodness OP, if the neighbours entered my house without permission like this I'd be knocking to tell them I'll be reporting them to the police in the hopes that provides a dose of regret. I'd certainly be telling them it's been recorded on camera.

The only exception to that would be if there is genuinely some sort of dementia at play, in which case I'd be calling their relatives to register my concern.

Either way I would be changing the locks ASAP. I wouldn't even tell them I had, sounds like she'll find out for herself next time she tries to let herself in.

What the relationship used to be I think, is moot. Ultimately they aren't family, or friends if this is their behaviour. They're just entitled shitty neighbours with no boundaries or respect. I'd separate sentimentalityfrom it, you don't owe them anything.

Adifferentheadspace · 10/05/2023 12:28

I would be livid with rage and report them to the police, then change the locks. It beggars belief that people can behave in this way. Just unbelievable.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/05/2023 12:34

I echo the other posters suggesting you change the locks, @CurlyTandtheTangles. Given how your neighbour has betrayed your trust, I would not trust them with the key any more.

If you have a Yale lock, you can buy a new barrel and keys, and change it easily yourself.

amoretti · 10/05/2023 12:36

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 10:09

If she has early stage dementia or peri it's irrelevant tbh. Neither of these make her behaviour acceptable and it's not your problem. And btw I laughed out loud at the idea that being perimenopausal would be a justification for this.

I would get the locks changed and calmly return the key and say politely and without aggression that you no longer trust her having seen her enter your property. And leave it there. Calling the police etc is pointless escalation which will result in you losing the moral high ground. It's unclear whether a crime has been committed and even if one technically has you will lose the moral authority by trying to pursue this with an elderly neighbour who was formerly a friend.

Just establish your boundaries with dignity and walk away from them.

Peri at 70! The mind boggles 😂

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 12:43

Update pls OP once DH has spoken to them

katemulberrybush · 10/05/2023 12:47

What they have done is inexcusable

I think you need to politely show them the doorcam footage and ask for the keys to be returned

They have broken trust
Try not to get angry as that could escalate things

They're in the wrong so try to stay on top here. Keep it dignified. There could be dementia at play

katemulberrybush · 10/05/2023 12:48

Adifferentheadspace · 10/05/2023 12:28

I would be livid with rage and report them to the police, then change the locks. It beggars belief that people can behave in this way. Just unbelievable.

Don't involve the police obviously 🙄

theresnolimits · 10/05/2023 12:55

I would be absolutely livid at this. The point is that they had asked you and you had already refused for very good reasons. And they've totally ignored you and trespassed into your house.

I'd go round there with their key, ask for yours back, return theirs, say how disappointed you are when you'd directly said no but had offered alternative times and then walk away. I don't see you need to change the locks if you get your keys back?

I'd keep it calm and civil because you still have to live next door to them, but withdraw completely other than nods etc. If they are getting dementia, they're only going to get more unpredictable and therefore a bit of distance is a good idea.

I think it much more likely they just didn't want to hear what you were saying because it didn't suit them but the invasion of my 'safe space' in my home would put them beyond the pale.

And for those who ask why the neigbours might have a key, ours have one for those times when we lock ourselves out.

CovertImage · 10/05/2023 12:56

Pringleface · 10/05/2023 08:10

I don’t think anyone’s asked ‘could she have ASD? yet but give it time.

Show quote history

Maybe she has both - a MN double-whammy

verdantverdure · 10/05/2023 12:59

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2023 09:42

While I'd be massively put out by this I think your DH is right about the blurred boundaries. If she see you almost as family then she'll have thought as you were both used to going into each others houses then this was the easy answer to her problem, just let him in and you'd never know. Obviuously that doesn't make it right but it's done now, all you can do us make sure she doesn't have the chance to do it again.

Aren't family members allowed boundaries then?

Hasn't "No" always meant No?

In what sort of family does hearing "No" lead people to push on regardless but in secret?

MollyRover · 10/05/2023 13:02

theresnolimits · 10/05/2023 12:55

I would be absolutely livid at this. The point is that they had asked you and you had already refused for very good reasons. And they've totally ignored you and trespassed into your house.

I'd go round there with their key, ask for yours back, return theirs, say how disappointed you are when you'd directly said no but had offered alternative times and then walk away. I don't see you need to change the locks if you get your keys back?

I'd keep it calm and civil because you still have to live next door to them, but withdraw completely other than nods etc. If they are getting dementia, they're only going to get more unpredictable and therefore a bit of distance is a good idea.

I think it much more likely they just didn't want to hear what you were saying because it didn't suit them but the invasion of my 'safe space' in my home would put them beyond the pale.

And for those who ask why the neigbours might have a key, ours have one for those times when we lock ourselves out.

Yep, this.

porridgeisbae · 10/05/2023 13:03

I would definitely ask for the key back off them @CurlyTandtheTangles . She's let herself in your home.

Are there other neighbours that you can develop a cat/plant sitting relationship with?

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 10/05/2023 13:13

Other than the guy who used the Mexican (I think?) holiday apartment multiple times for his family without asking, this HAS to be the most CFery thread of all time!!! Unbelievable!

I'd go absolutely spare but that's why I'm not allowed to deal with our own CF neighbour; my DH has to do all that nonsense. 😂

mycoffeecup · 10/05/2023 13:23

What do you want for the future? Can you find someone else to look after your pets when you're away, 100% reliably? if so I'd change the locks and let her know why. but if you need her help in the future it's harder.......

Waterfallgirl · 10/05/2023 13:29

I am speechless that they thought they could enter your home when you are not there.

But the fact you had already said no to her is just breathtakingly rude.
I would be livid.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2023 13:54

@verdantverdure of course families are allowed boundaries, I was just trying to give a slightly different point of view. In the NDN 's head they are close and going in and out of each others houses for various reasons has been quite normal, so they may have convinced themselves that this was no different. If you read enough AIBU threads on here you'll see that lots of people tell themselves they're entitled to do things because it suits them, the fact that it's not reasonable at all completely escapes them.
In the Ops place I'd just be quietly having a word and changing the locks, the NDN is clearly not to be trusted

luckylavender · 10/05/2023 13:59

Hellno45 · 10/05/2023 10:35

Its a huge breach of trust. I would change the locks. You could get the key back but they possible could have got a copy.

Your neighbours having a key to your house can also invalidate your household insurance.

100% this. Change the locks.

Mumto1boyo · 10/05/2023 14:12

Also in what reality was your dh rude?
You'd have to be pretty dense to think he was being rude. Tbh he sounds like he has the patience of a Saint.
Like you I'd be bloody furious for her letting herself and all and sundry in.

UnctuousUnicorns · 10/05/2023 14:12

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MissConductUS · 10/05/2023 14:16

Our house was burgled many years ago. We now have a Ring system with a doorbell camera, two exterior cameras, and one inside that looks down the main hallway of the house. The system is set up so that the hallway camera only comes on if it detects motion and the alarm is set to Away, i.e. the house is supposed to be empty. After reading this thread, I'm very glad we put it in this way.

OP, you might want to consider adding some other cameras if your door camera is the only one. I'm sorry you're going through this. We felt really violated after the house was burgled.

Mumto1boyo · 10/05/2023 14:17

Shelby2010 · 10/05/2023 09:26

But hiding your true colours for 20 years is quite a feat. And if you’ve ever seen this change in someone close to you, you’d realise it’s quite gradual and only when they do something that ‘no one in their right mind would think acceptable’ that you start putting the pieces together.

Maybe she has just got more entitled as she’s got older, but if changes have been pronounced enough for a neighbour to remark on, then it’s worth considering dementia.

Show quote history

It's possible. People like that can and do work hard to establish trust and friendship then will fuck you over as and when they want. It's always something wrong not that SOME old people can be just downright nasty bastards.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2023 14:26

I think I'd calmly give them their key and ask for mine back. If/when they ask why I'd simply say 'I'm pretty sure you know exactly why' and nothing more.

But I would still change the lock barrels. Better safe than sorry.

porridgeisbae · 10/05/2023 14:37

I suppose it is worth changing the locks, as she has an incentive/reason to want to carry on getting in and having a key, as she might want to for workmen or whatever.

It's not like my neighbours in the flat next door where they are not the type to want to randomly get in my skanky flat for no reason.

BetterFuture1985 · 10/05/2023 14:41

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