Am I being horrible to say I'm envious of the stay at home mummy's

[pollyflickthekettkeon]

I'm just in from work. I'm tired after having little sleep after DD was complaining of a sore head last night (3am) I'm trying to get lunches/ breakfast/ myself ready for work and get my kids ready for school. I'm so tired. Anyway long story short, I, along with lots of parents are in a group chat with other parents from the school. Today whilst I was tired, busy and running on empty I kept getting alerts from all mums that's don't work ( some single parents, some with partners in decent income ) talking about meeting up for breakfast and going on a shopping day. I'm not overly friendly but I know these people well through the years of school pick ups etc. all nice people. But I've decided that I'm miserable bitch because I'm so cheesed off that they have all this wonderful, leisurely time to do fun stuff and I'm exhausted working and having nothing to show for it lol 😆

Anyone else like this today lol

I'm not sure that's fair. As children go to school from 8.45am to 3.15, once you take drop off and pick ups into account that's a sahm looking after her children from 7am-9am and then 3-7pm, with six hours in the middle to do household chores - cleaning, cooking, life admin, washing, with maybe an hour for lunch, for 39 weeks of the year, with an additional 13 weeks of the year doing full time childcare (holidays plus inset days).

Just because working parents manage with a patchwork of childcare and holiday camps doesn't mean a stay at home parent's role can just be reduced to "unemployed". For the record, I am a working parent but I freelance from home so I take on both roles at the same time and it's a hard juggling act. So I would say I was jealous of people who can stay at home and not work, but I would never say they were just unemployed. Now, being a "stay at home wife", that's different 😂😂

I work full time and deal with similar issues that you describe! It’s hard, but doable and the sense of pride, identity and esteem you get through being in work, are to me, invaluable. It’s hard, but a lot of parent hood is like this.

^ this

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I look like a sahm to school age children, from the outside and most of the parents I've gotten to know assume that because I can do all the pick ups and drop offs, wearing jeans and dress down clothes. The reality is that I work for myself, around the children. I can and do go to meet up with some of the school mums for lunch, but I pay for it later, because I'll have to spend that evening working until the small hours, the struggle through the next day on very little sleep. It's not always as rosy as it looks.

This is why it's pointless to compare. There are a million variables between two given women's lives and it's simply not possible for anyone to assert that one way of doing things is definitively harder or easier than another.

I don't think it's patronising though to point out that being a SAHM indefinitely is different than taking maternity leave, knowing it's temporary and that your career is waiting for you. The biggest challenge for me during my time as a SAHM was the loss of identity which was a kind of cumulative effect of years of providing almost 24/7 childcare and also losing my career. I didn't experience anything like that the first time, when I took 11 months of mat leave and then returned to my job.

OP im a SHAM and while my friends with kids say they couldn't do it- being a working mum is SO much harder IMO! You have to do everything we do but also manage to work!

Can you book a day of AL and go and do something on your own?xx

Mine are at school now but I've never gone shopping with friends. Long dog walks, yes! Or garden centre with DH as today. Hobbies and a couple of village committees too.
But the time does go quickly - eldest comes out of school at 3.15 or 1.30 on one of the days. Two hours a day spent on school run too.

I am a SAHM. I love it. I can warch my series when the kids in school, go to gym, shopping and go out with my friends.

but have single income only good if your DH is a high earner. I dont think i’ll be happy as a SAHM if i atill struggling with money

There are definitely days when I think it would be nice to be back in the office where people (sometimes...) listened to me and said Thank You occasionally.

But generally I take my hat off to parents who hold down jobs. I genuinely don't know how the fuck you manage to do it all.

(Although I'm not precisely a SAHM since I home educate my three monsters, but at least we don't have to leave the house early every morning.)

The grass is always greener…

You don’t sound like you want to be full time at home or lunch.

Can you get in some more help, work a day at home - practical stuff. Do you have a partner? And if so are they pulling their weight?

YABU to use the term stat at home mummies BTW - Tis patronising.

What’s your series. Watch the telly?

You could easily if you wanted to though

@Abcdefgh1234 as much as I love being at home with my 17 month old (and hopefully new baby soon) I can't wait to do this when they're in school 😂 I couldn't be a SAHM if money was tight, we do alot of classes and they're expensive!

@DarlingClementine85 ”I'm not sure that's fair. As children go to school from 8.45am to 3.15, once you take drop off and pick ups into account that's a sahm looking after her children from 7am-9am and then 3-7pm, with six hours in the middle to do household chores - cleaning, cooking, life admin, washing, with maybe an hour for lunch, for 39 weeks of the year, with an additional 13 weeks of the year doing full time childcare (holidays plus inset days). “

Many working parents have to do those household chores and admin before/after they get home though, whilst simultaneously looking after children. Do they really take six hours a day five days a week? They could probably at least half that and have three to four hours time to enjoy themselves in the day. Which they probably deserve, I hope women in that situation do get time to relax!

Why the sneery face? If that's what she wants to do with part of her time and she enjoys it, who are you to try and belittle that?

Having done both, I agree that being a stay at home mum to school age kids is easier in terms of work load (at least during term time!). It's incredibly hectic and stressful having two working parents but yes people make it work.
But that's not what I was responding to. I was responding to the poster who said that stay at home mums of school age kids have no job - that they are unemployed. I'd argue that it's still a job for much of the day. Just because working parents make it work doesn't cancel that out. Yes I reckon stay at home mums to school age kids have more time to themselves at home but sometimes I do miss being paid to have a lunchbreak, sick day or five weeks of holidays lol.

@DarlingClementine85 but could you then argue that a single childless person without a job is still doing a job, as they will have household chores to do too? Where does the line get drawn?

I get five weeks of holidays... but probably like a lot of parents almost every single one of those days always goes on covering the kids holidays/sick days/hospital appointments... so don't think SAHMs should be too jealous of that!

Having been all of them - full time working woman with no kids, full time working woman with kids, part time working woman with kids, and full time stay at home mum with kids, I can honestly say I LOVED being a full time stay at home mum (SAHM) when the kids were at home more than ANYthing. I did it for 9-10 years. Best years of my life tbh. It was the best life IMO.

I have 2 kids - a year apart, and I worked part time til they were 6 and 7, but found it so hard, as I was still doing everything in the house (as OP is, and as most women do!) and although I worked 24 hours (and not the 36 hours full time everyone else did,) I still did as much work as them over the week(s.) Indeed I seemed to do more than some full timers. And I got Royally fucked off with the scornful 'part-timer,' and 'it's all right for you' type remarks. SO when they were 6 and 7, I gave up work, and stayed off for 9-10 years.

However, I would never entertain being a full time SAHM forever, as I think you're making yourself very vulnerable. You are taking yourself out of the working world, and dispensing with any career you may have had, and if your husband fucks off and leaves (when your kids are grown,) you are on very shaky ground.

I have seen many women in their 40s and 50s, who have spent 30-35 years at home with the family, and their husbands have left them, and they are forced out to work, and have had a terrible problem even getting a job stacking shelves. Most of them get a job as a carer because they can't get anything else, (and anyone can get a job as a carer.)

I have seen them fight tooth and nail to get hours, and scrabble down the back of the sofa to find coins because they're on the bones of their arse. No support from the husbands because the kids are grown. And the kids either sit on their arse doing nothing all day, or they have a part time job but earn very little.

Seems great being a SAHM all your life, but it can bite you on the arse later on in life. So don't be too envious @pollyflickthekettkeon

Also, saying SAHMs with children at school are unemployed is inaccurate and nasty. That kind of comment comes from jealousy and bitterness. There are quite a few snide and catty remarks on here at SAHMs who love their life. Speaks volumes about those particular posters.

Because a stay at home parent is caring for their kids for at least 7 hours a day (7-9am, 3-7pm) on top of school holidays where they are the default parent for 12 hours a day. And a lot of the life admin is to do with the kids (mountains of washing, school stuff - concerts, sports days, homework etc, meal prep, appointments) In no way is it the same as a person who doesn't have kids, as you well know!

I'm not saying working parents don't have that life admin either, in fact I'd argue that they're doing TWO jobs, rather than arguing that the sahm does NO job lol.

@DarlingClementine85 I do agree with you up to a point... a certain amount of the kids admin can be voluntary though - my ex has never been to a single nativity, sports day, concert etc yet and my eldest has been at school for three years!

Once the kids get a bit older, though they're technically still school age perhaps there is less caring to do? I don't remember my parents doing much for me between 7-9am and 3-7pm once I was in high school after age 11 and could get my own breakfast, do my own homework, read, watch tv on my own etc. I walked myself to and back home from school. They did have to make sure all the bills were paid and food was in the house etc, but I was doing my own washing and even cleaning bits of the house like the bathroom.

Ah yes! I was thinking primary school age, but yeah stay at home parents of teenagers are different!

I was a SAHM for years. I had horrendous postnatal anxiety, OCD and depression.
Breakfasts and lunch out with my other mum friends made me feel "normal" for a while. It got me up, dressed and out of the house.
It's very easy to judge but I'm guessing the mums on your What's App group are not all living a life of luxury and bliss without a care in the world.