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Original poster

Am I being horrible to say I'm envious of the stay at home mummy's

147 replies

pollyflickthekettkeon · 09/05/2023 16:43

I'm just in from work. I'm tired after having little sleep after DD was complaining of a sore head last night (3am) I'm trying to get lunches/ breakfast/ myself ready for work and get my kids ready for school. I'm so tired. Anyway long story short, I, along with lots of parents are in a group chat with other parents from the school. Today whilst I was tired, busy and running on empty I kept getting alerts from all mums that's don't work ( some single parents, some with partners in decent income ) talking about meeting up for breakfast and going on a shopping day. I'm not overly friendly but I know these people well through the years of school pick ups etc. all nice people. But I've decided that I'm miserable bitch because I'm so cheesed off that they have all this wonderful, leisurely time to do fun stuff and I'm exhausted working and having nothing to show for it lol 😆

Anyone else like this today lol

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 19:54

oofmehip · 09/05/2023 19:04

This!! (Apart from the rather be at work bit) 😁

Show quote history

I'm just glad I have nicer school Mom friends than many on here. They're just nice people, like me. If you're a decent person who people generally like why assume everyone else at the gate is a bitch?

Bluerhododendron · 09/05/2023 19:56

On here, school mums are bitches, especially if SAHMs, and how awful if you had lunch with one of them.

NCT groups are also bitchy and cliquey. See also toddler/baby groups.

In RL, mostly they are just nice women …

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 19:57

JUSTwhyCantI · 09/05/2023 19:13

I class SAHM as a parent to who looks after a child who isn't in school full or hard of the day. I'd class a parent with school age children as unemployed.

My twins have gone from 3 hours to 6 hours. I'm not sure how 3 extra hours a day for 39 weeks a year minus bank holidays suddenly makes me an unemployed waster rather than a SAHP doing what she thinks is best.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 20:02

kfiend · 09/05/2023 19:17

I don't envy SAHMs who have pre school age kids at home.. that is hard work 🤣. But def don't understand women with school aged kids not working.. and to be honest I wouldn't wanna hang around with them if I had 'free' time that didn't involve the kids.

Out of interest, what assumptions are you making about them then that you know you'd never want to socialise by choice?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/05/2023 20:03

I didn't take that as a sweeping generalisation. She says she values her sanity, salary and identity.

I feel the same way which is also why I couldn't be a SAHM but of course not every SAHM is going to have poor mental health.

I'm a student (degree number 3), a committee chair, trustee of multiple charities and do another type of volunteering linked to my previous field of work as well as being a sahm (and thats before you get to all committees linked to having kids like the pta). I get plenty of adult conversation and definitely have an identity beyond "mummy". My sanity is questionable but it's why I'm a sahm rather than the other way around. Most of the sahms I know are similar to me combining voluntary work with studying so it feels like there is definitely some generalisation going on.

DaphneduM · 09/05/2023 20:05

I've done a bit of both. Actually I found I lost a lot of confidence being home all the time. It's not SAHMs versus working mums, I think the moment you have a baby you have massive challenges either way. Personally speaking I'm now retired and see my darling daughter with exactly the same challenges I had, but one generation on. Plus ca change.......

I had a cleaner when I worked, so does she. We are both lucky with very supportive husbands, but there's no slack is there? What I can say with absolute certainty is that I absolutely value the autonomy of having my own work pensions now that we're retired, and not having to rely on my husband, albeit he is very generous. Everyone has to find their own way and do what suits them best.

FlyingOrCrying · 09/05/2023 20:06

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2023 19:57

My twins have gone from 3 hours to 6 hours. I'm not sure how 3 extra hours a day for 39 weeks a year minus bank holidays suddenly makes me an unemployed waster rather than a SAHP doing what she thinks is best.

Show quote history

Don’t let them bother you.My youngest is 14 and I haven’t gone back to work. I don’t care if anyone wants to label me SAHM, unemployed, retired....or lazy. 😅These threads always end up with slagging off SAHMs but it doesn’t really help the OP who is shattered.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling OP. I hope you get a really good nights sleep tonight. 🤞

ThreeRingCircus · 09/05/2023 20:07

I work 3 days per week and find that the perfect balance (I fully recognise we're privileged to not need two full time wages coming in.) I get the interest of work, going to the office, adult conversation etc but have two days a week to myself during school hours to get errands done, go to the gym, meet up with a friend etc. Only working 3 days is what keeps me sane, if I worked full time I'd be ridiculously stressed and if I was a SAHM I know I'd feel unfulfilled.

I fully understand if you're working full time it's really, really hard. I hate it on my working days when other mums are stood chatting after school drop off and I have to leg it home for a meeting. Then again, maybe those SAHMs are thinking they'd like to be in work/meet people at the office/go for a work night out etc?

ShandaLear · 09/05/2023 20:08

I’d rather coat my head in honey and pop it into a wasps nest that go for coffee and shopping trip with a bunch of yummy mummies.

Bluerhododendron · 09/05/2023 20:08

It is a bit odd on here that work - paid or voluntary - is seen as the only ‘worthwhile’ past time.

Does that hold true if you work in an abattoir, or for bailiffs, or one of those barely legal refinance loan companies? My friend worked for BT, trying to sell expensive phone / broadband packages over the phone often to vulnerable people who didn’t know that what they were signing up for was not needed.

How about if you work for a gambling organisation? Or admin for UKIP or the BNP, or even the Tories, according to some on here.

Are they still ‘better’ and make you a more interesting, rounded person than the boring SAHMs who dare go to lunch?

Bluerhododendron · 09/05/2023 20:08

ShandaLear · 09/05/2023 20:08

I’d rather coat my head in honey and pop it into a wasps nest that go for coffee and shopping trip with a bunch of yummy mummies.

Because …?

Withnailandeye · 09/05/2023 20:10

Do the Sahm on here realise we actually have children? That most of us have done mat leaves with all of our children at home and actually know what a day at home with children is like, what with us actually having them?!

I’d take a a day with my children, who drive me mad but I actually love, over tax planning and high stress fee earning work for clients who drive me mad and I actually dislike. And add to the stress of my working day is trying to fit in dropping off at wrap around care at two different settings and then commuting into work. Fuck I know my day at work today was a thousand times harder than being at home with my children.

BriarHare · 09/05/2023 20:12

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Fwiw, when I was a SAHM, I was bored shitless much of the time. The coffee meet ups soon pall. The best balance imo is working, but part time.

Inkypot · 09/05/2023 20:15

Having been a full time working mum when my kids were babies/toddler, part time when they started school, student/stay at home over lockdown and now work own business from home, I can confidently say that no matter what it is exhausting either way. Every option has lonely bits, tiring bits, annoying bits, sad bits, busy bits, crazy bits and kinda nice lovely bits.
But no you are not being horrible in how you felt. It's understandable.
I would ask why is your partner not doing lunches or breakfast rather than leaving that to you? That seems a pretty uneven split if you were also up to 3am and working.
Hope you get some rest soon and that little one feels better.

WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 09/05/2023 20:16

I hate work today, so I am 100% with you.

I was a sahm until my youngest started preschool though and that was fucking rough. It genuinely was. I work ft now and this is easier. Not even exaggerating. (Yes, I know I'll look back and miss those days and in some ways I already do. But I honestly felt as if I was losing my mind with stress, exhaustion and boredom).

I'd love to be a sahm now they're at school. Homework sessions with them when they got home to a sparkling clean house with a lovely meal cooking and their fit and healthy, (from all the running and yoga, natch), and not overworked mum there smiling beatifically. Sounds {chefs kiss}

Original poster
pollyflickthekettkeon · 09/05/2023 20:16

Withnailandeye · 09/05/2023 20:10

Do the Sahm on here realise we actually have children? That most of us have done mat leaves with all of our children at home and actually know what a day at home with children is like, what with us actually having them?!

I’d take a a day with my children, who drive me mad but I actually love, over tax planning and high stress fee earning work for clients who drive me mad and I actually dislike. And add to the stress of my working day is trying to fit in dropping off at wrap around care at two different settings and then commuting into work. Fuck I know my day at work today was a thousand times harder than being at home with my children.

I agree. I didn't like to
Say it on my own post but yes. Being at home all day with little ones can be tough but there are no deadlines, no judgment if your hair isn't washed or make up isn't on. A bit more time to stress over what's for dinner but knowing you can nip to the shop when it suits to get something sorted. Time to have a quiet coffee while the kids are busy wrecking the house. I love the independence that my job gives me but some days it's hard to be all things to all people

I think just being a mum is tough regardless.

OP posts:
Puppers · 09/05/2023 20:21

Bluerhododendron · 09/05/2023 20:08

Because …?

Show quote history

Because they are sexist and have made a moral judgement about what kind of woman would choose to be a SAHM rather than undertake paid work, based on a heap of misogynistic ideas about the role of women and motherhood.

Mumto32022 · 09/05/2023 20:23

I was a sahm for a few years and I hated it. It was mind numbing. Found myself getting irritsble because of lack of adult interaction and every adult interaction revolved baby/toddlers/kids and talking about them.
I was Busy all the time but yet so bored. I much rather go to work and actually enjoy my kids on my days off (house work is a lot harder to fit in though!)

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/05/2023 20:25

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/05/2023 20:03

I didn't take that as a sweeping generalisation. She says she values her sanity, salary and identity.

I feel the same way which is also why I couldn't be a SAHM but of course not every SAHM is going to have poor mental health.

I'm a student (degree number 3), a committee chair, trustee of multiple charities and do another type of volunteering linked to my previous field of work as well as being a sahm (and thats before you get to all committees linked to having kids like the pta). I get plenty of adult conversation and definitely have an identity beyond "mummy". My sanity is questionable but it's why I'm a sahm rather than the other way around. Most of the sahms I know are similar to me combining voluntary work with studying so it feels like there is definitely some generalisation going on.

But that's you. The previous poster and myself weren't talking about SAHM's in general, we were talking about how we would feel as SAHM's.

My career is a big part of my identity, I enjoy it and couldn't imagine giving it up because it would also mean giving up a big part of who I am. Volunteering and studying without my career wouldn't be the same for me.

Having my own salary is also something I highly value.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 09/05/2023 20:27

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/05/2023 17:12

Be as envious as you feel you need to be but remember you're likely seeing only part of the story.

I'm a sahm because I had postpartum psychosis after dc1 was born and I was in no fit state to return to work after maternity leave. My then psychiatrist was determined I should quit and work on developing a bond with my baby. I did and I've regretted it ever since. The truth is though that episode shattered my sense of self so much I can't see me ever getting a "proper" job again.

One of the school mums I know has an abusive controlling dick for a dh and he won't let her do volunteer work let alone paid work. He will let her go out for breakfast tho as long as its with a "suitable" bunch of "ladies" (who knows why he thinks I qualify!).

Another sahm I know is a full time carer for her daughter.

I try and make the most of what I have but I'm absolutely envious of women who kept their sanity and their careers. Everyone rants, it's perfectly normal. Speaking as someone who got three hours sleep last night, I hope we both get more tonight!

Could you perhaps do some short term volunteering to get your confidence/self esteem back? In an area that you might enjoy and that works around family?

I hope you find your way soon x

StressedToTheMaxxx · 09/05/2023 20:28

@Dinosauratemydaffodils sorry, volunteering may have been mentioned already, I havent read the full thread!

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/05/2023 20:29

I work 50% and I find the days I’m home with my kid more exhausting than the days I’m at work. Work is a break! I know it’s different for everyone but the grass is always greener.

BigFatMummyOnTheCeiling · 09/05/2023 20:29

I’m a SAHM to school age children. Youngest 2 both have ASD. Neither has ever slept through the night. They usually tag team and sleep one at a time, which means I have to stay awake with the other.
i haven’t had a block of sleep more than 3 hours in 7 years. It’s affected my mental and physical health.
my youngest starts school in September and instead of going back to work I’m going to sleep all day.

HowToLearnToLoveMyself · 09/05/2023 20:29

No it wasn't particularly and sort of landed on my feet as a family member opened a company and i wfh for them.
But i know im lucky in that respect and i enjoy it

Bluerhododendron · 09/05/2023 20:30

But no one is saying you should, @SouthLondonMum22 . I guess that’s what I don’t understand about these discussions: people take other peoples choices so very personally and feel they have to alienate themselves from them with exaggerated claims of not wishing to have lunch with women who don’t work Confused

it’s very strange.