Am I being horrible to say I'm envious of the stay at home mummy's

[pollyflickthekettkeon]

I'm just in from work. I'm tired after having little sleep after DD was complaining of a sore head last night (3am) I'm trying to get lunches/ breakfast/ myself ready for work and get my kids ready for school. I'm so tired. Anyway long story short, I, along with lots of parents are in a group chat with other parents from the school. Today whilst I was tired, busy and running on empty I kept getting alerts from all mums that's don't work ( some single parents, some with partners in decent income ) talking about meeting up for breakfast and going on a shopping day. I'm not overly friendly but I know these people well through the years of school pick ups etc. all nice people. But I've decided that I'm miserable bitch because I'm so cheesed off that they have all this wonderful, leisurely time to do fun stuff and I'm exhausted working and having nothing to show for it lol 😆

Anyone else like this today lol

Not just divorce: bereavement or your DP having to stop work for a health reason or something like that. Makes sense that both partners should be able to step up to full time work if necessary.

Sorry you are having a rough day @pollyflickthekettkeon hopefully you sleep better tonight and feel better tomorrow!

It sounds like you need a day to relax, book a day of leave for a few weeks time and make zero plans (plus keep fingers crossed that no child is poorly and has to stay off school) and try and recharge a bit. It is relentless trying to balance work and children, personally I'd hate to be a stay at home parent but I do very much enjoy the odd day of annual leave whilst children are still at school!

I don't think I'm taking it personally.

If someone responds/quotes me in bold then I'm usually quite happy to respond back and have a discussion. Isn't that the point?

My career is a big part of my identity, I enjoy it and couldn't imagine giving it up because it would also mean giving up a big part of who I am

Which is probably why I'm so bitter. I had to give up mine and yes I lost a huge chunk of who I was but it's not always a choice.

But these discussions always seem to stereotype sahms as being lacking drive, dull and unable to make adult conversation which me on my bad days aside really don't match up with the sahms I actually know.

YANBU. I work full-time now and love my job, but it was very hard going back to work originally, even part time. Working when they are nursery is no fun. Just endless juggling pick-ups and hoping they don't get sick.

From a financial independence point of view, its vital to work. From a one life to live perspective, it would be tempting not to.

The only SAHM's I know in real life do not have lifestyles I envy.

Some are the go-to for everything that needs doing for their family & home because their DH is the sole earner and as such often works long hours or works away. It seems quite a lonely and tiring existence imo - made worse by their 'D'H's treating them like their secretary/skivvy (I'm sure that's not always the case but ime it often is).

Others seem to be stuck in a kind of limbo where their DC are now at school but they are so used to doing wraparound care that they can't see how they could fit in a job - or have been out of the job market for so long they have lost their confidence & don't know where to start.

I know in mumsnet-land SAHM's have high earning husbands and/or trust funds/pensions to keep them independently solvent - and also have cleaners/gardeners so they don't have to demean themselves with housework. But in my reality, I don't know anybody in that situation.

So I really believe I am happier being a working mum - yes sometimes knackered, but mostly having a life of my own and being treated as an equal. I wouldn't swap that for being able to meet up for coffees & shopping on a random Tuesday. Unless I could be a mumsnet-land SAHM that is 😁.

I am jealous of them. I am surrounded by them, rich friends and family members they lunch nail and Botox it up and I am struggling every day. I love them dearly but some days I just want to be them

Well said. My two have ASD too and I can relate on the sleep side of things. It's exactly why I dropped to part time at the school years and then to where I am now. They needed more care in a way as they got bigger and needed me home for them.
The comment earlier implying every mum who's done maternity leave knows exactly what it's like to be a SAHM is thoughtless and flippant. Being home for the first year of your child's life is hard in its own way, but being home as they grow older is ten times tougher in other ways. It's all relative so we need to all be a little more empathetic to each other and a lot less harsh on ourselves.
@BigFatMummyOnTheCeiling you sound like you're doing a fantastic job with both your children, don't let anyone take that achievement away from you. You've done bloody amazing!

It wouldn't be my dream. I'd go off my head.

And that's why we have choices, ideally, and we each do things differently.

Staying at home with kids is difficult! The real luxury is being at home without kids. A colleague of mine works one shift a week, purely of her own will in Order to revalidate, and her fiancé begs her not to work! He pays into a private pension etc for her. She has a cleaner, gardener, they have joint accounts so access to her partner’s income. I’m very jealous!! They don’t have kids and no plans to.

I’m in the same boat except I work part time (3 full shifts a week) and both my kids aren’t yet at school.

Work is a nice “break” but being at home would be far easier than having to go to work. At least I’d be able to take it easier when feeling like absolute dog shit rather than having to perform at my job which is very go go go.

None of my colleagues understand how I can even function sometimes when I come in with barely an hours sleep. Luckily I’m fairly used to it now and I just tend to completely crash at 6pm.

It would be so much easier for myself and my partner if I was to stay at home (for both our sakes, he’s up with the kids a lot as well and that would take some of the pressure off him), but we just have to plough on.

I do enjoy my job and like having something that is “for me”, that contributes financially and the social aspect, but life would be so much easier if I was a SAHM.

Not long left though. Another year and a bit and they’ll both be in school. I will hopefully feel like I’m no longer chasing my tail then, as I often feel like I am now. Currently I just feel like I don’t have enough time at home to keep on top of the household stuff, but I also don’t have enough time at work to do everything I want to do.

But hopefully it will all balance out when school rolls around.

(I have no issue with SAHMs though, my own mum was one due to my sibling having SN and as his was quite severe there was never a hope of her being able to return to work. I grew up seeing how hard it can be. She certainly didn’t have time to swan off to the shops or go for brunch. It was incredibly hard work and isolating for her, but adding in the extra complexity of work would have almost certainly broken her).

@giraffeinabath I'd be wary of a man who begged his partner not to work. What's his motivation? Sounds controlling tbh.

I missed your previous post before about why you no longer work. I can understand where you're coming from and you are right, it isn't always a choice.

Unfortunately stereotypes exist either way. Working mothers don't raise their children and only work to buy designer handbags.

Whatever you choose in the earlier years is difficult. I worked and remember lots and lots of occasions thinking this is bloody rubbish. There were many many times when I wanted to chuck it all in and stay at home. However, I didn’t and there are a few reasons why I’m glad I made that choice for us.

I’ve set a fantastic example for all three of them that women are equal to men and dads also pick them up from school and cook tea (my husband fully did his bit)

People consider the early years to be critical - and certainly they are cuter and harder to leave 😂 In my opinion (and this may not be everyone’s) the teenage years are more important and I’d got to the stage in my career by then where I had more flexibility and could be around more.

There are a number of my friends who had career gaps and have never really recovered. They now feel a bit adrift because their children are gone and sadly, their husbands do not always treat them as equals.

Unfortunately the grind that is childcare and running a home is undervalued by almost everyone. As is the reality of being a working mother. All of us are doing the best we can with the resources we have.

I completely understand your thoughts OP - I had them all the time - but hang in there, it gets better.

The comment earlier implying every mum who's done maternity leave knows exactly what it's like to be a SAHM is thoughtless and flippant. Being home for the first year of your child's life is hard in its own way, but being home as they grow older is ten times tougher in other ways.

People who work still know what it's like to be at home with their children though, sometimes for prolonged periods ie when they're poorly, holidays (some nurseries etc also do school holidays) or whatever else- as well as of course weekends, mornings and evenings and when on leave. Maternity leave alongside that gives a pretty decent flavour as to what it's like, not sure why people pointing this out is thoughtless. I have a lot of respect for women who choose to stay at home (I feel sad for those who don't have a choice and it's not what they would choose though) because I know I would hate it- I love my job. For others they would hate to work in a demanding job outside of the home with children; it's whatever works best for us an individuals and as family units. Neither is right or wrong and people have a different idea of what's 'harder', it's not a competition. I don't get offended when people say work is easier or a break, i don't feel it's the case but aren't fragile as to be offended by others views.

Jazzyjezzabelle · Today 16:46
I honestly can’t think of anything worse than trying to occupy my time by coffee and shopping with other random mums.

me too. just random women whose kids happen to be in my child's school

I have been a SAHP, worked part time and now full time. All come with sorrow and bliss. My sympathies are with those with a toddler / baby combo. That's the hardest of all times.

@Starplekk you did see earlier I stated I've been a full time working parent? As well as then part time, sahm/student and now wfh? So I know there are different struggles regardless of what we do.
The comment was thoughtless because it sounded like the person's saying staying home for mat leave is just the same as being a sah parent for the long haul. Which it's not.
It is hard for everyone, that's my whole point.

I’m currently at SAHM, youngest has ASD. It’s definitely become more challenging as DC has become older. I was a nurse for 9 years but gave up as I couldn’t cope with the lack of sleep after years of juggling, the amount of appointments and issues with DC mainstream school. So why it may seem like I’m living the dream, I’m certainly not. Way less income, lots of paperwork, meetings and house chores to do.

I don’t have school mum friends as previously always worked so I spend my time alone, tired, attending appointments or cleaning mainly. I feel less organised and never take time for myself as always something to do around the house because my OCD is pretty bad at the moment. I think working part time is the best way to go if you can afford too. Sorry you had an awful day OP.

@Badtasteflump I can see how it could be controlling- he doesn’t want her to work as he’s retired from a ££££ career in finance and wants somebody to enjoy his retirement with. He’s very fit and only in his 50s, colleague is a couple of decades younger… homes abroad, wants his partner to be able to travel with him etc.

There are definitely days when I’m envious. I find my evenings are very full on and I would like more time with my children. I am also envious of people who have the holidays off. Mumsnet can be so black and white sometimes but in reality there are plenty of school mums off midweek capturing:

• part-time working mums, full time working mums doing shifts, weekend work or compressed hours
• sahms with small children/babies *sahms with only school aged children who do yoga and lunch
• sahms who volunteer
• working mums off sick
• sahms who are rich, sahms who are poor and would love a job.

It is silly to put anyone off mid-week into one homogenous group and say you’d hate having lunch with any of them.

For what it’s worth, I’d love it if it were possible to do my job in 2 days a week. My absolute ideal would be intellectually stimulating, high paid work for 2 days a week 9-3 , some lunching/yoga for another couple and perhaps some volunteering. Not going to happen sadly.

I think whoever has a choice is lucky.
Some SAHPs aren't able to work because it doesn't make financial sense in the short term, or their partner's career is more dominant or has volatile hours/working away.
Some have children with additional needs or carer's duties.

I love working part time but I am in the privileged position that I love my job.

If you're working to just make ends meet and you're having a bad day OP, YANBU to feel a bit gutted that others at least have the choice of going for a coffee or lunch on the middle of the day. Of course they may or not feel lucky but I hear you.

It sounds as though you need a break. I reached breaking point just before the Easter holidays and managed to get away. It did me the world of good.

Perhaps you and DH could give each other a mid week night off every other week - run yourself a bath, watch a couple of episodes of something with a glass of something with an early moght? We used to do things like this for each other and they were lovely things to look forward to.

It will get easier eventually ❤️

When I was on maternity leave with my first baby (who has since been diagnosed with ASD), I spent most of the time trying to stop him screaming. I sometimes met other mums for ‘coffee’ (drinking really fast inbetween him waking up and screaming!). When he wasn’t screaming he was feeding. Shopping was out due to the above. In theory these things sound wonderful but if you’re looking after small children they rarely are. If they’re doing solo coffee and shopping then I am jealous!

With my second child my mat leave was spent during lockdown, trying to look after a hyperactive toddler when I’d been up all night feeding his sister. No coffees with friends even allowed. So I don’t miss those times. There were even ‘deadlines’ of a sort as my eldest was ill a lot and I had to take him to multiple medical appointments, sometimes at hospitals I had never been to before which were complicated to get to.

I think it was my post you were quoting. I have three children, I’ve had them a fair while now, the youngest is 2.5. I’ve spent significant periods of time at home with them all, I know what a day at home with children looks like, it is patronising to every single working mother when sahp state that a day at home with the children is relentless because every single parent surely KNOWS what it’s like.
I wasn’t being flippant by comparing it to mat leave, being at home for 9 months with three children is, as far as I am concerned, a reasonable insight to what being at home with children is like, why do you feel that incorrect?
I don’t envy sahp in the way the OP does, I have a hard won career which I absolutely love but it is very hard for my husband and I to fit in the physical and mental load of children, work and life admin and the rhetoric on threads such as these is that working parents have no idea what it is like to be a sahp which I actually think is inaccurate and quite patronising.