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Original poster

Is that money ‘mine’?

380 replies

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 17:25

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Gemcat1 · 29/04/2023 21:56

This is difficult because able bodied people, even close family, do not always understand disability or how it affects someone even if they are, themselves, disabled. Both DH and I are disabled with different issues, he makes little effort to understand my issues even though I try to understand his. He puts his PIP in the pot to help pay for more heating, having a cleaner etc which is what PIP is for, helping you with your disability but not necessarily for equipment. I use mine to pay for physio which I need to keep mobile. Different needs, different uses. But that is why you receive it but definitely not for a new carpet unless it enables you to move more easily around the house or you happen to want it.

pam290358 · 29/04/2023 22:04

ThinkTheresBeenAGlitch · 29/04/2023 20:46

A lot of posters don't seem aware of the 'in sickness and in health' part of the vows - and clearly haven't bothered to consider for one second what their own life would be like if they became disabled. I'm finding those responses very hard to read, OP, so I can't imagine what it's like for you. Of course the PIP money should go on your personal independence needs, that's what it's for.

Show quote history

In my experience ‘in sickness and in health’ means nothing on MN. You only have to look at the replies to posters asking for advice when partners develop MH problems. LTB seems to be the order of the day, so it doesn’t surprise me that some posters are leaping to the defence of her DH.

Viviennemary · 29/04/2023 22:06

But its a bit whats mine is mine and whats hours is ours. Don't agree with this approach. Sorry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2023 22:07

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 18:33

I wouldn’t say he is financially abusive.
Rather a man who thinks that because he is a man he knows best/his needs come first. And he is earning the money so should have the last say (and from some posts here, he isn’t the only one to think that either….)

Spend it all on whatever you need to make your disability easier. If there'd anything left over, you can put it towards groceries. Hint. Make sure you spent it all in stuff you need.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 22:11

@Roundandnour
An adult sulking may be tedious and annoying but out is hardly abusive. I might classify it as immature, but immaturity and abuse are very different things

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:17

Viviennemary · 29/04/2023 22:06

But its a bit whats mine is mine and whats hours is ours. Don't agree with this approach. Sorry.

Would you agree with it if you had a disability which severely limits your mobility and were in receipt of a benefit specifically designed to contribute to the extra cost your disability incurs ? Would you be happy if the only way you could leave the house is if your DH pushes you in your manual wheelchair, and when you want a bit of independence he moans about the cost of a powered wheelchair, and a hoist to make it easier to get it in and out of the car, even though he knows it will give his wife more freedom ? It seems it’s fine for the OP to struggle as long as he’s happy. PIP was awarded on the basis of the OP’s needs, not her DH’s and if she has specific needs that this money can meet, then that’s what she should be spending it on.

If anyone doubts the significant extra costs of disability, they only have to go to the average website selling products and equipment for the disabled, to see how the costs mount up even for the smallest things. The NHS doesn’t provide equipment beyond the basics, Local Authorities provide equipment and adaptations in the form of the disabled facilities grant, which is means tested. Anything else has to be paid for, and it’s not cheap.

Robinni · 29/04/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Tilliemolly

She is disabled and is fully entitled to that money. It is an absolute pittance compared to a regular wage and she deserves every penny.

PIP is for her daily care and mobility needs to improve her quality of life so she is not impaired so much by contrast to an able bodied person.

It is not for the family pot unless it directly benefits her - adaptation to the house etc. or a short holiday for everyone to get a break because it is bloody hard for a family to cope all the time.

I have cared for multiple disabled adults (until death) and frankly your attitude is utterly disgusting.

”A lot of money” what a load of nonsense.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:19

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 22:11

@Roundandnour
An adult sulking may be tedious and annoying but out is hardly abusive. I might classify it as immature, but immaturity and abuse are very different things

And if he’s married to someone with a significant disability he can’t afford to be immature. He needs to grow up.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 22:20

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 20:00

Btw, thank you to all the posters who mentioned abuse, him being controlling etc…
im not ignoring it. I’m very much letting those ideas sink in.
Now that all the benefit stuff is more or less sorted, I will have the head space to start thinking about what sort of life I want (and if DH has a place there or not).

Just fair warning… MN users call abuse in any sort of disagreement. They are renowned for it.

ILikeCatsandDogs · 29/04/2023 22:21

This feels less about if the money’s yours, you know it is and you need things you’re not getting. You saw a lifeline with this back payment only to have it flipply taken away for something utterly useless.I can’t think of a way of speaking to him about this as it seems like it’s become a way of life for him if he can honestly moan about his wife needing an electric wheelchair with no shame. Perhaps someone you know might speak to him about this being unreasonable behavior. It might embarrass him into being a better person.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:24

ShowUs · 29/04/2023 20:49

You should put half of your total income in the joint pot.
He should put half of his total income in the joint pot.

The joint should be used for things that benefit you both - eg food shopping, rent, holidays, new carpet, utilities etc

The rest of the money should be spent on yourselves on things that you think you need - eg you a new wheelchair, him a new computer etc.

Of course it may not be 50% each it may have to be 80% or more each depending on your cost of living vs income but I don’t think all money should be put in the shared pot and I don’t think it’s fair that his money is both of your money, whilst yours is just his.

You should put half of your total income in the joint pot.

ESA is around £500 a month and PIP is around £700, assuming she’s on the higher rates of both care and mobility components. Her ESA already goes into the family pot - she made that clear in her first post. So she’s pretty much already doing that.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 22:28

@Rosscameasdoody
Sadly a spouse's disability does not prohibit the other spouse from having issues or limitations of their own.In fact , the one spouse may have become disabled during the course of the marriage, but immaturity is probably a characteristic with which the other spouse possessed as he entered the marriage.

pam290358 · 29/04/2023 22:29

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 22:20

Just fair warning… MN users call abuse in any sort of disagreement. They are renowned for it.

Show quote history

I’d normally agree with you, but I have to say I can’t get my head around anyone who would be happy to limit their disabled partners’ independence in the way the OP describes. If a powered wheelchair improved her mobility and a hoist to get it into the car is going to make her life easier again, why is he sulking ? I wouldn’t go as far as abuse, but it does suggest a degree of controlling behaviour.

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2023 22:30

Viviennemary · 29/04/2023 22:06

But its a bit whats mine is mine and whats hours is ours. Don't agree with this approach. Sorry.

Clearly you have no experience of disability and the financial toll it takes if you need adaptations or aids to allow you to live your life more easily. Im dumbfounded.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:32

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 22:28

@Rosscameasdoody
Sadly a spouse's disability does not prohibit the other spouse from having issues or limitations of their own.In fact , the one spouse may have become disabled during the course of the marriage, but immaturity is probably a characteristic with which the other spouse possessed as he entered the marriage.

Wouldn’t disagree with that. But either way he needs to step up. Her welfare should be his first concern.

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2023 22:34

lookluv · 29/04/2023 21:34

This man provides a home, pays most of the bills, undoubtedly does most of the housework etc and people are crucifying him for having a different opinion to the OP.

i get she has needs and he may take a different view on what is essential but there may be some things on the house they could do with which may help him look after her.

i can see both points of view but seriously this man has not been a slouch and whilst his monies support OP, he does have the right to an opinion on what monies are being spent on and that includes her monies aswell. Exactly like she ahs an opinon on what his is spent on.

And you think it's ok for a partner to veto a piece of equipment that will give someone more independence? Really?

Babyroobs · 29/04/2023 22:43

Robinni · 29/04/2023 22:17

@Tilliemolly

She is disabled and is fully entitled to that money. It is an absolute pittance compared to a regular wage and she deserves every penny.

PIP is for her daily care and mobility needs to improve her quality of life so she is not impaired so much by contrast to an able bodied person.

It is not for the family pot unless it directly benefits her - adaptation to the house etc. or a short holiday for everyone to get a break because it is bloody hard for a family to cope all the time.

I have cared for multiple disabled adults (until death) and frankly your attitude is utterly disgusting.

”A lot of money” what a load of nonsense.

Show quote history

I guess it depends what rates ? Enhanced rates are getting on for £650 every four weeks plus ESA support group averages at around another £500 a month so not insignificant amounts. If you just get one component at lowest rates then obviously it's not going to be a lot of money.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:47

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/04/2023 21:17

Did you not read the bit about the DH not wanting his wife to have an electric wheelchair? Because according to him she didn't need it. Fucking hell I despair. HE IS ABUSIVE .

Show quote history

As I understand it, the OP has the electric wheelchair and now wants the hoist to get it in and out of the car easier - which her DH is objecting to on the grounds that they could use the money for other things they need/want. I don’t think it’s abusive exactly - I think, like some contributors here, he can’t get his head around the fact that PIP was awarded for the OPs needs, not his own, and he’s only seeing the lump sum it’s brought and not the fact that it should be used for the OP’s needs. I’m concerned that he seemed to be happier for the OP to rely on him to get out and about, than for her to have her own independence - that indicates a degree of controlling behaviour that she needs to think about, but it’s not easy for someone disabled to just up and leave, as they will invariably lose their support network, such as it is.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:49

Babyroobs · 29/04/2023 22:43

I guess it depends what rates ? Enhanced rates are getting on for £650 every four weeks plus ESA support group averages at around another £500 a month so not insignificant amounts. If you just get one component at lowest rates then obviously it's not going to be a lot of money.

Show quote history

She’s already contributing the £500 ESA to the family pot. ESA is for day to day living, PIP is awarded based on her own needs, so that’s what it should be used for. Anything left over goes into the pot.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 22:52

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2023 22:34

And you think it's ok for a partner to veto a piece of equipment that will give someone more independence? Really?

Show quote history

Some posters are doing their very best to ignore the fact that the OP is disabled and PIP is awarded on the basis of that disability aren’t they ? There’ an awful lot of assumptions in that post too.

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 29/04/2023 22:59

Floralnomad · 29/04/2023 17:36

Any money that comes into this house is communal money .

This, we don’t have a shared pot and our own to spend, we just get what we need. Unless there is issues with one partner spending frivolously.

longtompot · 29/04/2023 23:07

Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 18:58

What sort of a man begrudges his disabled wife an electric wheelchair to allow her independence outside of the home? And who immediately tried to get hold of her benefits to spend on something he wants? Fucking hell.

Absolutely this. I would use the money to get the things you need to make your life easier and then, if there is any left, if you want to, it can go on the pot.
Its a shame your 'd'h can't take on your disability and you be responsible for his day to day quality of life.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 23:09

@vipersnest1
The spouse has an opinion ; he does not have veto power. The OP is disabled, but she is neither a captive nor a slave without any agency of her own. He was not in favor of the EWC , but the OP got the chair.

In any marriage or relationship there are usually differences of opinion. The OP's marriage is no different; there can and should be open expression even when one or both parties have disabilities. That does not mean that anyone is being abused or mistreated. In spite of their different views the OP got her EWC , and my guess is that she will get the type of lifting device that she wants

The OP has a medical condition that obviously effects her ability to be mobile. She has not lost her cognitive abilities , and she does not need to be treated as some fragile hot house plant.

Her disability does not mean that their marriage is on some kind of life support. They are a couple working their way through a disagreement. To suggest that some kind of abuse is occurring is a massive stretch.

sugarrosepetal · 29/04/2023 23:12

Unrelated to the question OP but if you are receiving ESA and PIP, please speak to Citizens advice to make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to, as you will probably be entitled to DLA and other supports too.

vipersnest1 · 29/04/2023 23:13

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 23:09

@vipersnest1
The spouse has an opinion ; he does not have veto power. The OP is disabled, but she is neither a captive nor a slave without any agency of her own. He was not in favor of the EWC , but the OP got the chair.

In any marriage or relationship there are usually differences of opinion. The OP's marriage is no different; there can and should be open expression even when one or both parties have disabilities. That does not mean that anyone is being abused or mistreated. In spite of their different views the OP got her EWC , and my guess is that she will get the type of lifting device that she wants

The OP has a medical condition that obviously effects her ability to be mobile. She has not lost her cognitive abilities , and she does not need to be treated as some fragile hot house plant.

Her disability does not mean that their marriage is on some kind of life support. They are a couple working their way through a disagreement. To suggest that some kind of abuse is occurring is a massive stretch.

And did I suggest that it was abuse?
I merely said that this particular portion of money should be OP's, to spend to help herself.
You've made a massive leap with nothing to base it on.

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