Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is that money ‘mine’?

380 replies

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 17:25

I am disabled and receive ESA (so that’s my ‘income’)

Ive just been awarded PIP and have received backdated money. It’s quite a bit of money (for me). About the equivalent of 1 month of DH monthly wage.

dh wants to treat that money as ‘put it in the common pot’.
im thinking this is money to improve my quality of life, xtra cost due to my disability etc… Not to go and buy groceries or do some decorating.
ESA goes in the common pot.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 29/04/2023 21:01

Acheybreakyhead · 29/04/2023 19:18

Show quote history

These grants are only available to those on means tested benefits. I had to pay for mine.

Theunamedcat · 29/04/2023 21:01

Blushingm · 29/04/2023 20:12

If you need a hoist that then the NHS will provide it

They really won't

Look a friend of mine has just died and right before she did she ran out of her medication her consultant prescribed it her Dr refused to prescribe it despite letters from the consultant etc so she was desperately trying to get another prescription off her consultant HOWEVER the consultant could only give her a paper prescription not send it to her pharmacy electronically so she had to wait she died on the day of her appointment THAT is the NHS

And don't get me started on diabetic equipment you have to self fund asthma sufferers that need a nebuliser buying there own because the NHS would rather send an ambulance and take someone into hospital than give them one

In my area and many others you will NOT get a hoist

RandomMess · 29/04/2023 21:02
Flowers

It's sad how many folk on this thread believe how disabled people actual get what the need for equality via NHS/Social Care. Those days are long gone.

If you can use a manual chair but the pain it would cause is immense that's irrelevant you don't qualify for an electric one or get £200 only towards one.

Decent electric chairs (they are a custom fit) cost literal thousands and thousands even 2nd hand.

Everything is a battle.

Wet room - you'll get some basic ugly horrid thing that is just about legal with no care about whether it's a decent shower or suitable for your spouse as well.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
Bewilderedandhurt · 29/04/2023 21:02

Since it's a backdated windfall that you have not needed to access I'd save it for a time when you need to replace or purchase something where you'll be glad of the extra financial cushion.
I don't see the point of spending it on something that's not essential.
As for it being your OH money I would say that it's to support your disability.

AliceOlive · 29/04/2023 21:04

I think many of these replies are really weird and lacking in empathy today!

I am with you. If your family needed the money for necessities I would say use it for that, but otherwise it should be used to improve your quality of life to the extent possible.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 29/04/2023 21:06

The NHS won't even fund diabetic equipment let alone a hoist lol.

Op spend it on whatever makes your life easier, if a new carpet makes your life easier do that, if a new aid etc makes your life easier do that. It's your money to make your life easier not your husbands. Tell him to sling his hook.

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 29/04/2023 21:07

MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 20:46

ESA is now close to £500 a month.

What proportion of the household bills does that make up? How much disposable income is left? Household costs are nearly 2.5k by the time I pay the essentials food/ petrol/ bills/ mortgage/ I appreciate your household might be cheaper to run.

could you come up with a budget? Plan it out properly going by what’s most important to you so x number of months to pay for hoist then an ongoing cost of Y for therapy so by Z date you will start paying so much into the communal pot.

pam290358 · 29/04/2023 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why don’t you give your head a wobble !! Are you disabled ? Have you any idea what PIP is actually paid for ? If not, then you’re not qualified to comment are you ? You’re smugly advising the OP to spend the money ‘wisely and fairly’ and in the next breath telling her it should go into the pot for household expenses. How is putting a benefit specifically meant for the extra cost of disability into a household pot, spending it wisely ? And did you ever stop to think that benefit claimants are tax payers themselves ? PIP is paid regardless of the ability to work, so a lot of working disabled people claim it. ESA has a contribution based element - and it sounds as though this is what the OP claims, as her DH is earning. So she’s worked and paid NI contributions. Greedy ? Fucking hell.

Roundandnour · 29/04/2023 21:09

If nhs/social services quickly and easily fund various shower rooms, hoists, decent wheelchairs and more then why are people left on hospital wards for months on end?

It’s not always about waiting for a suitable care home,

Flopsythebunny · 29/04/2023 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What kind of person are you?
The op needs a hoist to improve her quality of life. That's exactly what pip should be used for!

MrsKeats · 29/04/2023 21:14

Is your husband's salary not communal?

Thelnebriati · 29/04/2023 21:15

Can you not tell the difference between wanting a new carpet and needing an electric wheelchair?

Rosscameasdoody · 29/04/2023 21:15

Roundandnour · 29/04/2023 21:09

If nhs/social services quickly and easily fund various shower rooms, hoists, decent wheelchairs and more then why are people left on hospital wards for months on end?

It’s not always about waiting for a suitable care home,

I agree, and anyone who’s ever had to apply for a disabled facilities grant, or a grant for adaptations to a Motability car will tell you it’s a long process and means tested to the bone. I’m staggered by the amount of people on here who think disabled people only have to click their fingers and whatever they need is provided.

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/04/2023 21:17

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 20:29

It is a bit disingenuous to overlook the fact that the OP's husband is the largest contributor to the OP's quality of life. To suggest that he is financially abusive because he expresses his opinion about utilization of funds is overlooking the value of his contribution.

Telling the OP to leave him should also include information as to where and how she will replace the both the funding and assistance that he provides.

I am always amazed at the number of people on MN who quickly classify a difference of opinion regarding finances as financial abuse. The OP's husband's opinion regarding the use of a limited dollar assistance hardly qualifies as abusive. It is not as though the husband could force or compel the OP to do as he says with the funds.

Did you not read the bit about the DH not wanting his wife to have an electric wheelchair? Because according to him she didn't need it. Fucking hell I despair. HE IS ABUSIVE .

Roundandnour · 29/04/2023 21:19

“And don't get me started on diabetic equipment you have to self fund asthma sufferers that need a nebuliser buying there own because the NHS would rather send an ambulance and take someone into hospital than give them one”

Same around here as well. I’ve had to purchase lots of things that I would have once gotten from NHS. My room would make an excellent gp room.

Strawberrydelight78 · 29/04/2023 21:22

You could put it into a savings account which is attached to your current account. Then you have something to fall back on like if the washing machine conks out or if you want a holiday. That's what I do with my daughters.

Strawberrydelight78 · 29/04/2023 21:28

That's what the money is there for so you can get buy equipment you need. You shouldn't have to be completely dependent on someone to leave the house. If you can do it indepently in an electric wheelchair. Your husband is an arse.

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 21:34

@Roundandnour
I am suggesting that before classifying the expression of a difference of opinion as abusive one should look at the entire situation, and that should happen in all situations regardless of the physical or emotional status of the parties involved.

The OP herself said that they could live on her husband's income alone. She did not suggest that he prohibited het from making purchases even those with which he disagreed. Many people seem unable to distinguish a difference of opinion or perspective from abuse.

I am not abusing you when I disagree with you. It does not sound as though OP is doing without anything that she needs even though ahead her husband may have different opinions about the degree of need for certain grades of equipment.

A very close relative of mine has both an EWC and a Hoya Deluxe Power Lift, and I fully understand the importance of both devices in providing a better quality of life and independence. Still expressing opinions related to any purchase is just that an opinion and it is not a form of abuse.

lookluv · 29/04/2023 21:34

This man provides a home, pays most of the bills, undoubtedly does most of the housework etc and people are crucifying him for having a different opinion to the OP.

i get she has needs and he may take a different view on what is essential but there may be some things on the house they could do with which may help him look after her.

i can see both points of view but seriously this man has not been a slouch and whilst his monies support OP, he does have the right to an opinion on what monies are being spent on and that includes her monies aswell. Exactly like she ahs an opinon on what his is spent on.

Chickmad · 29/04/2023 21:36

I think in an ideal world married couples would share finances....but also in an ideal world everyone would be able bodied. And those of us unlucky enough to be disabled would not have to fight tooth and nail for everything from help to respect to empathy.

Working on the assumption that the PIP was assessed and paid out in 6 months (unlikely) and that OP got only the higher rate mobility then that makes her husband's income at min 40k.

This means no grants/charities will be available.

By OP's admission his wage covers the household expenses even without her working, so in theory her PIP could be used for exactly what it was intended...giving her personal independence. And it is the OP that gets to chose what is best for that. Not her husband, not even an OT as they often don't assess for electric wheelchairs in case they are then forced to fund them.

Why, if it can be afforded, would you want to make your partner's life more restricted? Why would you not want to help? The fact that his thought is not first how this money can help his wife and that carpet is more important tells you his priorities.

Also....please tell me how the OP is supposed to leave him? Try finding an adapted bungalow as a private tenant when your own income is "benefits". They sat letting agents are no longer allowed to say "no DSS" but they still discriminate. Try finding a council one...well you are waiting for existing tenants to die.

Also, sometimes simply existing takes up the only spoons you have, let alone all the hoop jumping for forms etc.

You cannot trust your husband to have your best interests at heart so you ring fence your PIP.

Life with a disability is not like waiting for a broken arm or leg to mend. It immediately makes people regard you as less than, including yourself if you are not careful, scrounger or a malingerer. Newsflash...no one wants to be disabled!

SittingOnTheChair · 29/04/2023 21:37

I get PIP OP (MS).

Where ever the money goes, my problem here is that your DP isn't wanting to make your life easier. That's not okay, particularly as he could cover the bills on his wage (it would be different for me if you didn't have food and were needing to choose between food or medical equipment).

Original poster
MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 21:39

@Chickmad yes dh is a high rate tax payer.

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 29/04/2023 21:46

@Mari9999
So another adult sulking when they don’t agree is fine?

Original poster
MoneyMine · 29/04/2023 21:47

Chickmad · 29/04/2023 21:36

I think in an ideal world married couples would share finances....but also in an ideal world everyone would be able bodied. And those of us unlucky enough to be disabled would not have to fight tooth and nail for everything from help to respect to empathy.

Working on the assumption that the PIP was assessed and paid out in 6 months (unlikely) and that OP got only the higher rate mobility then that makes her husband's income at min 40k.

This means no grants/charities will be available.

By OP's admission his wage covers the household expenses even without her working, so in theory her PIP could be used for exactly what it was intended...giving her personal independence. And it is the OP that gets to chose what is best for that. Not her husband, not even an OT as they often don't assess for electric wheelchairs in case they are then forced to fund them.

Why, if it can be afforded, would you want to make your partner's life more restricted? Why would you not want to help? The fact that his thought is not first how this money can help his wife and that carpet is more important tells you his priorities.

Also....please tell me how the OP is supposed to leave him? Try finding an adapted bungalow as a private tenant when your own income is "benefits". They sat letting agents are no longer allowed to say "no DSS" but they still discriminate. Try finding a council one...well you are waiting for existing tenants to die.

Also, sometimes simply existing takes up the only spoons you have, let alone all the hoop jumping for forms etc.

You cannot trust your husband to have your best interests at heart so you ring fence your PIP.

Life with a disability is not like waiting for a broken arm or leg to mend. It immediately makes people regard you as less than, including yourself if you are not careful, scrounger or a malingerer. Newsflash...no one wants to be disabled!

Thank you @Chickmad
its a really good and accurate description of the situation

OP posts:
Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 21:55

Why are so many posters leaping to defend this financially abusive man? I cannot get over him, a high rate taxpayer, begrudging his wife an electric wheelchair which allows her to not rely on people pushing her.

And despite her already contributing £500 a month separately, they’re defending him and agreeing that all her money should go to be spent on (let’s be honest) whatever he decides. Christ, their bars must be low.