Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

[Lorrymum]

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc.
Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited.
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days?
I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog!
I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

Unless I am close to a couple or one of the couple I don't want to a wedding just because

I do think it's rude to ask about looking after a dog, unless you are friends, so I would say no

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset. Especially as you were there when she picked the dress.

I’m glad you’ve said no to the dog sitting though. They can do one. Surely it’s occurred to your friend you might be a bit sad not o be invited?

With respect, if OP moved in circles where it is considered a great honour to look after someone else’s grumpy snappy dog for a weekend I don’t think she would have started this thread.

Yes, I read that.

I get that, but equally there shouldn't be so many guests from the bride and groom's parents' social circles that there isn't enough space left for the bride and groom's own friends, or that the balance isn't right. My father in law wanted to invite around 40 of his friends to our wedding and my husband put his foot down. Even though my father in law was offering to pay for all these guests and the room was big enough to accommodate them all, we just didn't want a third of our guests to be people I wouldn't even recognise. He got to choose a few very close friends, and then invited different friends to his other sons' weddings.

"Family friends" is just another way of saying the parents' friends. These family friends may or may not be important to the bride or groom, but they are still primarily their parents' friends, who are only in their lives because their parents became friends with them when they were young. There's also a fairly high chance that they don't really know and have possibly never even met one of the couple.

Who are you to say that the bride and groom's friends are "transient"? The people the bride and groom are friends with today and want to invite to their own wedding that you consider "transient" might well be the "family friends" of tomorrow. Do you think the bride and groom should bump them off the guest list for their own wedding to invite people from their parents' generation and then invite them to their children's weddings in 30 years' time instead?

It's ok for the bride to invite/ or not who she chooses. As PP have mentioned this isn't likely a snub.
Equally you are under no obligation to mind her dog.

Exactly!
Also with people getting married older the B&G might very well be settled, with children and their own friends, who have provided invaluable support. 'Transient' is quite a snide remark.
When I made this point earlier nobody also engaged with the money point - a PP said a wedding was a 'joyous family occasion' where parents friends needed an invite, but also said she got married with 15 people.
Maybe she had no actual friends to invite :)
But the rest of us mere mortals have to make compromises.

Being there to pick out the dress is very very close friend territory.

I certainly wouldn't have had any of my mothers close friends at my dress choosing, but they were at our wedding which WE paid for.

I would think most people would want to include their parents dearest friends so that it would enhance their parents enjoyment of the day.

Not dozens of friends but certainly between 6-10 on each side.

If it is a tiny wedding I would let it go, but if its not and other friends are there, I could certainly understand your hurt.

No way would I be looking after the dog.

My friend was similarly hurt by an old friend that lived near her, apparently it was a very small wedding.
She is widowed.

But a couple of her friends "couple friends" were invited.
She shared her hurt with me but kept it to herself.

A year later she was recently retired from teaching, and was approached about child minding for two days a week as the daughter was desperately stuck and was returning to work.

My friend said if she had gone to the wedding she might have felt a bit obliged to say Yes, even for a short while.

But she was delighted to be able to say a firm No, without apology nor excuse.

Her friend told her she was a bit hurt that she hadn't even entertained it, as they are so close.....the irony🤔🙄.

They are still friends but there definitely was a cooling on my friends side, as she realised she had been a little too obliging and she has stepped well back from doing any favours.

She invested more in other friends and is really enjoying her retirement.

Her friend ended up taking early retirement to help her daughter, but isn't happy with how it restricts her and my friend is not around for pop in's as she is busy enjoying her free time.

It worked out well, despite her hurt at the time.

I hope it will for you too OP.

There is something inherently cruel with the invitation to choose dresses and be part of the excitement at close quarters and then to make the decision to not allow you to even see it in her big day.

I am amazed your friend has allowed this to happen, and I do wonder what kind of person she is if she has allowed this kind of mistreatment to happen in the first place, compounded by an insulting request to dog sit!

In your place I would meet for coffee and tell your friend the whole thing has been quite hurtful. There is a good chance this will sit between you otherwise.

No, it’s not your friend’s choice who is invited to the wedding, but it is your friends responsibility to ask questions to get dd, along the lines of if op is going to choose dresses it would be bad form not to then invite her. Have you thought about the guest list before invite friends to dress viewings.

I would have to talk this through, and say the lack of invite isn’t a problem, you understand numbers are limited but it’s hurtful given the dress viewings and dog sitting duties.

It's mixed messages isn't it. I mean if the bride had said, "You've always been involved in my life and I love that but we are having a small wedding and with family we just won't be able to include you but I'd love you to come to help me pick a dress and then we could go for lunch with mum." Then the OP would have understood from the start but the going along to the dress thing would make you think you were part of it so not getting an invite would be a bit of a let down and then being assigned to dog sitting would feel like a bit of a slap in the face.

I think I'd be left wondering what the next thing would be, can you have X and Y to stay the night of the wedding as they can't afford the hotel, or could you give A and B a lift from the church to the hotel. I mean who knows what else might be expected.

Agreed! It should have been made clear from the outset. I also agree that the dog sitting is going to be the last request. You are likely to be asked to go to MOB dress hunting next, flower appointment, tasting menus and endless hours and hours of detailed information about the progress of a wedding you are not even invited to.

Which is why you need to talk to your friend, if she knows your feelings have been hurt hopefully she will be more sensitive in the future as to how much she shares and invites you to. I am sorry to say, but it seems she takes your friendship for granted because you have done so much for them over the years. Time to pull back.

I can see why you are upset, my adult kids will say my best friend is like an Auntie to them. She sometimes looks after my dog but I see it as a massive favour and I try to avoid asking her - I would say no to the dog sitting. I hate weddings though - so would be happy to avoid - the ultimate in cheeky fucker behaviour will be sending you a gift list - let’s hope they refrain from that faux pas.

I had wondered about a wedding gift!
The bizarre thing is that I am putting my own dog into kennels for the day while I attend my nieces wedding in a few months. My friend has also been asked to my nieces evening do. As I said, our families have been close over the years.
I have made my peace with it and will move on but thanks for letting me sound off!

I really love my dog - he’s spoiled to a ridiculous degree - but I don’t expect anyone one else to love him or look after him and if they did I wouldn’t consider it an honour for them - it would be a massive favour to me and I’d be showing my gratitude.

The other thing here is that I think there are definitely two categories of “parents’ friends”. My mother has a very close friend she met at a U3A type thing; they have a shared interest and have been on holidays together, that sort of thing. I’ve met her a few times - she’s a very nice woman. But she is definitely “my mum’s friend” and wasn’t someone I’d have asked to my wedding. On the other hand, my dad’s university friend has been like an involved godparent to me all my life and definitely was invited. Equally, though, while I’d feel perfectly comfortable to phone dad’s friend and beg a favour/a bed for the night/dog sitting (if I had one), I wouldn’t dream of doing the same to my my Mum’s friend. And I think this is what sticks in the craw for the OP - she’s treated like a close family friend when it comes to favours (looking after the dog), but is relegated to “random pal of the bride’s mum” when it comes to invitations. And I don’t think you can have it both ways.

OP,

Are other friends invited?

If they are, and you are not, then unfortunately she sees you as a doormat, and mosy certainly is not a real friend.

Does she possibly see you as a "close USEFUL friend" rather than a "close friend"?

There is a difference.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave
Its not at all that I "cant be bothered" to see them. Not at all. My mother sees them regularly but I live 100+ miles away so when I visit (rarely due to a difficult situation) I only see family not my mothers pals. But I speak to her regularly so I get regular updates on what her pals are up to as they do about me.

@2nd Thats how I feel and it’s why I usually leave our dog with trusted (paid) dog sitters who can host him at their house.

I personally view it as a massive favor to be asked to stay over and pet sit for two nights-I’ve only asked friends to pet sit when we’ve been in a last-minute bind and vice versa. The bride presumably has several weeks/months to arrange kennels or a professional pet sitter…she just doesn’t want to spend the money. 🤔

At first o was like oh no I'd be cheesed off too but then thinking about it, would I want my mum's friends at my wedding? Probably not. But I wouldn't expect my mum's friends to look after my dog either so you're within your rights to say no..

When I married my first husband in 1972, my parents invited all their friends. I only invited 7 as they were paying which was then traditional and there was no budget for more. I'm glad my parents got enjoyment from it, but frankly I felt the only bit that was actually about me and my new husband was the ceremony itself!

So I'm absolutely of the opinion that you have no right at all to consider yourself slighted by not being invited, in this much more modern decade.

As to the dog, I have 5 myself but even if I had just one, I'd be far more concerned for his or her welfare than to leave them in the charge of someone they had no relationship with rather than a licensed kennels which had trained personnel and an insurance policy! So absolutely, say no to the dog sitting. That could go horribly wrong in so many ways.

We didn’t initially invite MILs best friend of the same number of years and my god, you would have thought I’d started WW3.

I’d never met her. dh hadn’t seen her since she was a teenager.

We we’re only having 15 people (costs) and we had to un invite someone so she could come.

I don’t understand it when parents want their friends at their dcs wedding.

I’ve got an adult ds, he’s known a couple of my friends since he was born. I wouldn’t even think of them being invited to a future wedding of his. It honestly wouldn’t cross my mind. The wedding would be for ds and partner to invite their own friends.

*he was a teenager

We’ve had no contact with her in the 12 years since that has passed since our wedding either. But she had to come to avoid a huge strip from PIL.

When my mum and dad got married in the early 80s my grandfather paid for the whole thing, decided the budget, decided which relatives and which of his friends would be invited, and then told my parents how many spaces were available for their friends. They couldn't invite quite a lot of my mum's friends, which caused ill feeling as they were all a big group and local to the wedding, and as a result my parents didn't get invited back to most of those friends' weddings. The rest of the couples in that wider group are all still quite tight knit and have been on holidays together and things like that over the years, which my parents weren't invited to either.

For anyone indignantly spluttering about how long term family friends should be invited before "transient friends" of the bride and groom, the reason you have long term family friends is because you've been a big part of each other's lives for a long time. Who will be the bride and groom's long term family friends 40 years from now, the people who will become their children's godparents and honorary aunties and uncles, if they have to cut half their own friends from the guest list in order to accommodate their parents' friends?

Obviously there is a balance to be struck and I think it's nice to invite a few parents' friends if numbers allow, but the event should primarily be about the couple, not their parents.

YABVU. I did not invite any of my parents’ friends to my wedding.